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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Inappropriate messages?

28 replies

Annie05 · 09/09/2025 10:36

I don't know what to do. I don't think I trust my husband and it's making me act differently around him but I don't feel I can confront him about it, because I'd have to tell him I check his phone from time to time. I know this is a massive breach of trust but I feel that way because of things that have happened in the past - a couple of messages he's received (one he said was sent to him in error by a work colleague and the other was from someone in the gaming community he didn't know). I believed him but now don't know if I was just naive in the past. When I've checked his phone recently a lot of his history is cleared and his messages are too (apart from ones to family and boy mates). I've recently seen a message from someone in his football coaching group saying "Morning 👀 xx". His Twitter searches were "pussy" and "dm me", and he's searched on Instagram for some gamers who don't wear much. He also has Snapchat in a secure folder. I feel completely sick typing this, but my gut just feels something is off and I'm questioning the person I feel safest around. We've been together for 10 years and have 2 kids (1 a stepchild from his previous relationship).

OP posts:
Just3ok · 09/09/2025 10:40

Well it certainly looks very likely op

Although if you put aside your suspicions, is this even a happy marriage?

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 10:43

His Twitter searches were "pussy" and "dm me
gross

Girlmom35 · 09/09/2025 10:44

OP, I absolutely believe your gut instincts here.
You deserve better.

Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 11:27

Yeah believe your gut, I get checking his phone isn't great and a breach of trust but it seems your inclination to check was right. I would maybe look to build some evidence of whatever is actually going on, have a think about what this means for you and your future and then confront him with it

Sorry you are going through this, its an awful awful feeling.

DaisyChain505 · 09/09/2025 11:28

The Twitter searches are absolutely gross.

Any adult who has Snapchat is a red flag in its self.

You don’t trust him.

What’s the point in this relationship?

ThatWildMintSloth · 09/09/2025 13:02

Snapchat is shady in itself but then in a secret folder is definitely a huge red flag

Original poster
Annie05 · 09/09/2025 13:34

Thank you all. I don't know how I feel. The thing that's upsetting me the most is the person I've known and loved for 10 years, who I've seen the rest of my life with, may not be that person - it's making me feel sick to my stomach that my future might look completely different and be one without him. That's not to say I'm going to roll over and accept what I've seen. I don't know how I feel, I don't know if things change whether my trust can be rebuilt. I'm thinking of bringing it today as I can't sit on this any more. I don't know how to challenge it - do I say that I know this is going to challenge his trust in me for looking at his phone but this is what I've seen?

OP posts:
Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 13:38

I wouldn't worry too much about acknowledging you looked at his phone, you had suspicion and it was proven right - its just as well you looked really.
I would ask him directly, and see if he admits or digs himself a hole and starts lying - will give you an idea of how much of a coward he is, and whether when given the opportunity to tell the truth he takes it or not.

Good luck x

Original poster
Annie05 · 09/09/2025 13:41

I just don't know if my trust can be rebuilt and the fact that I won't stand for this, I deserve better. But my heart is breaking at the thought of not having a future with him and everything that means for me and our family unit. I'm so conflicted.

OP posts:
Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 13:46

Do you have kids together?

I totally understand not being able to imagine a future without him, but the alternative is not being able to trust him, and the anxiety and paranoia you would feel potentially for the rest of your relationship. That isn't good for you either.

ThatWildMintSloth · 09/09/2025 13:51

I wouldnt mention it yet because have you decided what you want to do?

I mean, are you wanting to leave him because the trust is gone? Or is it that you're wanting him to stop searching dodgy things online?

You have no physical proof just yet so he could (and most likely will) just deny and explain away SC being hidden and turn it round to you going through his phone.

Original poster
Annie05 · 09/09/2025 13:53

We have a child and my 12 year old stepchild, who I've known for 10 years. I know, it's a hard pill to swallow thinking we may not be together but at the same time I'm better than this. My husband has been rock and has been so supportive of my mental health issues in relation to anxiety triggered by losing my Dad, and so supportive of my hobbies. We have always been a team - another reason why I feel like the rug is well and truly being pulled from underneath me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Annie05 · 09/09/2025 13:54

But I've seen the searches on his phone - Twitter being "dm me". I would challenge why he's searching this and bring up the previous two messages I've seen and feel naive now to have ignored. I want to open this up to talk to him about and see what he has to say, and go from there.

OP posts:
Just3ok · 09/09/2025 13:58

The thing that's upsetting me the most is the person I've known and loved for 10 years, who I've seen the rest of my life with, may not be that person

oh come on op. You can’t expect us to believe that this was the romance of the century given the man we’re talking about. He sounds utterly gross and that won’t just have popped up now.

Original poster
Annie05 · 09/09/2025 14:01

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 13:58

The thing that's upsetting me the most is the person I've known and loved for 10 years, who I've seen the rest of my life with, may not be that person

oh come on op. You can’t expect us to believe that this was the romance of the century given the man we’re talking about. He sounds utterly gross and that won’t just have popped up now.

Sorry but can you at least show some compassion? I've been completely blindsided about someone I've been in a relationship with for 10 years and married to for 4 years. It's upsetting me that the person I thought I knew clearly isn't that person from the things I've found. I feel sick that the future I saw for me and my child may completely change - I might not get to see my child every day or have their bedtime with them if we split up.

OP posts:
Just3ok · 09/09/2025 14:03

It is the children I mainly feel compassion for OP truth be told. Not a chance this has been a decent chap for the last decade.

I feel for you insofar as you seem to love him

but really…. Reread your op. I wouldn’t want this man within a 3 mile radius of my children

Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 14:05

@Just3ok there is absolutely no reason not to believe OP that they are completely blindsided by this. And unfortunately some men can appear completely trust worthy and reliable, and turn out not to be when temptation appears/they get bored.

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 14:07

Mumto21234 · 09/09/2025 14:05

@Just3ok there is absolutely no reason not to believe OP that they are completely blindsided by this. And unfortunately some men can appear completely trust worthy and reliable, and turn out not to be when temptation appears/they get bored.

I check his phone from time to time. I know this is a massive breach of trust but I feel that way because of things that have happened in the past - a couple of messages he's received (one he said was sent to him in error by a work colleague and the other was from someone in the gaming community he didn't know). I

this hasn’t come out the blue

Original poster
Annie05 · 09/09/2025 14:12

Those messages were recently, in the last few months. They were messages from other people with no replies from him and I believed him in what he said but wanted to watch out for myself and so occasionally checked his phone and didn't find anything. Last week something was bugging me and I saw his Twitter searches. So yeah, it has been recent and to feel like I was getting over a small query of trust (from a few months ago) and now be blindsided, you can know someone for years and then feel like do you really know them.

OP posts:
ThatWildMintSloth · 09/09/2025 14:12

Annie05 · 09/09/2025 13:54

But I've seen the searches on his phone - Twitter being "dm me". I would challenge why he's searching this and bring up the previous two messages I've seen and feel naive now to have ignored. I want to open this up to talk to him about and see what he has to say, and go from there.

Edited

This sounds like a good plan.

I'd maybe ask to use his phone to check for something on twitter and then "stumble across" the twitter searches

I think I spend too much time on Are We Dating The Same Man groups😳

Alwaysinamood · 09/09/2025 14:17

Sounds like maybe he’s using Snapchat for porn or Twitter to search for chat models if they’re a thing?! Or talking to only fans type girls. Can you check internet search history? Have you checked all message apps?
He could potentially has light you and lie and twist it to you being insecure and mental for checking his phone- this is what men tend to do!

Alwaysinamood · 09/09/2025 14:17

Meant to say gas light!

Just3ok · 09/09/2025 14:22

The fact he’s clearing his history and messages would indicate he already suspected your checking his phone op

so I wouldn’t worry about having to admit to checking

Lmnop22 · 09/09/2025 20:24

Check his WhatsApp for archived messages as these will be hidden.

If you confront him, have him go in his secure folder and open Snapchat for you and look at it together. Do not give him a chance to delete anything and then gaslight you over a breach of trust.

If he has nothing to hide, he will stay calm and allay your concerns to show you he is faithful. If he kicks off, calls you the unreasonable one for checking or refuses to show you his apps/messages together then you have your answer.

OchreRaven · 09/09/2025 20:42

Why don’t you just ask him ‘do you have Snapchat?’ If he says yes ask to see it. If he says no ask him why he is lying to you.

You don’t need to say how you have seen things or why you are questioning him to begin with. You have the upper hand because you know the truth. If he says you don’t trust him you simply agree - you don’t trust him and without trust there is no point continuing the relationship. If he wants to stay together then he needs to be open and honest to prove he is trustworthy.