Could you make this relationship work?

[MoonEmu]

My marriage broke down last year. In March this year I got together with a really great guy, so lovely, handsome, kind, attentive etc. He had also just come out of a marriage. It was so fun having a BF.

The issue was he had no boundaries at all. He told everyone about us after just a couple of weeks, including his DC and his ex-wife - and seemed completely taken aback that they were discombobulated and upset. He told his flatmate every detail - and then she got upset, despite him being kind of aware that the flatmate maybe fancied him. He told his colleagues (we know each other loosely through a professional network). He canvassed everyone’s opinions and fed them back to me.

It was just chaos. I felt like I was having a relationship with people I had never met. I ended it.

Six months have passed - mostly no contact - but we missed each other (we are well suited). And now there is a possibility we might get back together.

Could you make it work with someone who doesn’t really understand boundaries like this? He is really worth it. All tips welcome.

If he was worth it then you would never have walked away.

For me, no. I don’t want a relationship with 15 people and I don’t need the opinions of people I don’t know on my relationship, I couldn’t be bothered.

Nope. If a grown man can't understand how inappropriate this behaviour is then he wouldn't be for me. I doubt these will be the only non-existent boundaries in any future relationship.

Absolutely not for me. He’s a blabbermouth witn no boundaries or filters - I’d be embarrassed by him and that’s not conducive to a relationship.

The fact you were both freshly out of LTR’s maybe shows you need more time to work on yourselves and your boundaries rather than jumping into a rebound.

The thing is it’s not really about him blabbing to everyone, you could put that down to no boundaries or even just joyful sharing the good news. The problem for me would be that he didn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. Yours especially, but also his flatmate, ex, his children and colleagues. He didn’t give any thought about how and when he should share the news or if he should at all. At best he’s a pillock.

If you want to be with someone who just crashes on with whatever they want regardless of anyone else, he’s your guy.

I think it sounds like he lacks the emotional intelligence to recognise when his actions cause upset to others (or he's so self-involved that he's not even considering their point of view)

I would be really uncomfortable with him canvassing people's opinion of your relationship and feeding back to you - why is he so interested in other people's opinions? Suppose you have a row, is he going to go and blab about it to his family and friends and get their opinions about it? Would you have privacy or would he be talking about your private business with all and sundry?

You broke up with him for a reason - it's very unlikely that he is going to change. Are you truly missing him or just lonely and missing being in a relationship?

I think you are assuming the best here.
It’s quite a callous way to act, rubbing your new romance in the face of your ex and other people who might get upset. He knew what he was doing. No one is this obtuse.

I think you’re assuming the worst!
I was taken aback when my current bf told everyone about us two dates in -including his grown son and in/laws (he is a widower) because he was so happy to have found me and just assumed we were going to be in a long term relationship. He was naive because he’d only ever been in a long happy marriage (wife’s death was not sudden - two years of terminal illness) so not familiar with ‘dating’ protocol. Unsurprisingly his son and in laws weren’t happy -he had no no intention of upsetting them/assumed that they would be happy for him. I was taken aback when a mutual friend told us how pleased they were that we were together -again because he just was so happy telling people.

Well if you’re determined to find reasons for not going in the date -simply don’t go 😀 no need to go into the minutiae of dish stacking eventuality😂😂😂

I guess you found the reason he's divorced.

I couldn't put up with his behaviour.

If he's telling EVERYONE everything about you, how would you feel if he told EVERYONE about your personal details? That time you got a tampon stuck? That time you thought you had BV because there was a funny smell? That time you had a stomach bug and threw up in the car? What you told him about your ex and his sexual preferences?

Because that is what he will do.

If you are walking around a forest and you keep returning to the same tree, you are lost.

Op From what you have said you simply do not know what may be around the corner with guy.
Walk away before it is too late.

From my own experience, I would be wary of someone announcing to everyone about our relationship so soon. It's a ploy often used to make it more difficult for you to back out.
Couple this with now considering getting back together - has he hoovered (emotional abuse term, if you're not familiar) you back in? I'm smelling manipulation, here.

Absolutely. I dated a man like this after I split with DH. Within weeks he was announcing to all and sundry we were an item, posted ‘in a relationship’ on SM making sure the world knew. Looking back he was marking his territory!

He was just as you describe, being vocal about our sex life, making inappropriate comments on SM about personal stuff and sharing f private conversations. When I voiced my discomfort I az told I’m being uptight and why am I ashamed of him?

It didn’t last long - but long enough! Big difference between being open and being an over sharing gobshite

It's one thing to be excited over a new relationship; it's another to tell everyone, including the milkman's horse. hate to rely on the latest things, but does he have a problem where he cannot filter what he says?
I cannot help but think his flatmate, for instance, must feel very awkward, especially if she had feelings for him, and his work colleagues must dread seeing him or they get told the latest episode.
my biggest worry would be what else would he blab? A night of passion? maybe even a big surprise like a pregnancy if that was applicable

I don’t know why you’d even consider it, OP. He’s a blabbermouth with the emotional IQ of a sofa.

Could you make it work with someone who doesn’t really understand boundaries like this? He is really worth it.

You're making a very big mistake. You can't say that he's worth it, except...
It doesn't work like that.
He's either worth it - all of him, who he is, even the things you don't like about him. Or he's not worth it.

You broke up with him already because it wasn't worth it then. Why would that be different now?
You're very different people. He has no sense of boundaries and privacy. If those things are important to you, don't go there.

The only reason you're even thinking about it now, is because you're probably a bit lonely and bored.
Those are terrible reasons to start a relationship.

It's hard to believe that the behaviour you've described isn't part of a wider issue with boundaries/considering other people's feelings. I think you would find (if you didn't already) that this trait of his would affect your relationship in other ways.

Absolutely not. That level of oversharing is really unwise and unnecessary. You’re entitled to your privacy and if a date can’t understand that he shouldn’t be a partner. Some people are like this. But I couldn’t cope.

I would guess that as he was newly divorced it was a case of him proving he was fine, nothing to see here and "look at me with my new GF, not hurt or affected by the end of my marriage at all

When both of you run into problems in the relationship, he will run his mouth like a tap to everyone.

He will consider everybody’s opinion on a matter and even use them but disregard any of yours.

This sort of over sharing is a clear sign of an underdeveloped adult. He clearly missed some stages because at this point in life an adult uses the brakes in their brain to restrain their words and not cross boundaries.

His self esteem is at-10 so even with you adding 10, he is still at 0. He will constantly need validation from others

Ultimately, it will end up being a parent child relationship where, before you meet up with friends, you’ll find yourself prepping him on how not to talk too much, how to read a room, how to not dominate conversations etc

This does not bode well.

OK, thanks - I appreciate all the responses.

I think the telling people was some emotional incontinence - excitement and showing off and also just being part of things. Being newly single can be quite lonely.

He absolutely does need a lot of external validation. (Which he has - he is successful and recognised for his work.)

The issue is that he really is a lovely person - yes, really - but sort of unable to stop himself discussing the things that worry or bother him with people he thinks might have an interest.

Is there anything to be done?

Yes, walk away. Value yourself. Save yourself from potential unhappiness and dissatisfaction.

A lovely person is able to recognize that it is not fair to pour your concerns on everyone who has an ear. A lovely person understands reciprocity. That if I am constantly talking about my needs and worries then I am ignoring that those listening to me have their own worries and needs.

So it is with a man-child which is essentially who you’re dealing with.

I wouldn't put up with this because its not the way I would behave in the early days so it would feel way to much for me.