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Original poster

how to protect myself emotionally & financially my relationship.

36 replies

Mantii24 · 08/09/2025 19:40

got pregnant a few months into our relationship i rent my house privately and dp owns his own house.

I moved in with him at the start then we had our child. Now we are moving as need something bigger. My credit rating isn't good and he will be buying the new house in his name only, I won't be named on the mortgage yet until my credit score improves which could be years.
I work part time so can only afford to put a little towards the mortgage when he will be paying 3/4s of it.
i want to protect myself emotionally and financially as if we split i will have to start again from nothing.
he wants me to a sign a deed of trust when we move to new house even though i wont be on the mortgage. as far as im aware this only protects him ? and doesnt cover custody arrangements if we were to split also.
is there any other option for me ?
I have been advised that i should just marry him as its more protection ? but we could only afford a £2k wedding.

I don't want to split I'm just asking to protect myself as not with a mortgage but in the past I have been financially N emotionally shat on !
Thank you any advice would be appreciated
xx

OP posts:
MouldyCandy · 08/09/2025 19:44

How old is baby now?
You need to go back to work FT.

WrylyAmused · 08/09/2025 19:45

In your situation, you absolutely want to get married.

As it's for the legal protection, a couple of hundred quid in the local registry office with two witnesses will give you what you need. The "wedding" part can come later, but you need the legal protections ASAP, so do not let "saving for a wedding party" delay it. The piece of paper gives you the protection you need.

And ideally don't sign the deed of trust.

But if I were your partner I wouldn't necessarily be very happy about it.

mylovedoesitgood · 08/09/2025 19:54

I’m confused why he wants you to sign the deeds of trust when it’s not even your house you’re moving into, or even partly your house, and you’re not married so you wouldn’t have a claim to it if you split (unless I’ve misunderstood).

Forget about the big wedding, a registry wedding costs about £500 and it’s the marriage you need for your protection. Have you discussed this with him?

Original poster
Mantii24 · 08/09/2025 19:57

MouldyCandy · 08/09/2025 19:44

How old is baby now?
You need to go back to work FT.

9 months. we cant afford full time child care so thats why im part time. i understand what u are saying but thats not the question i asked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mantii24 · 08/09/2025 19:57

MouldyCandy · 08/09/2025 19:44

How old is baby now?
You need to go back to work FT.

9 months. we cant afford full time child care so thats why im part time. i understand what u are saying but thats not the question i asked.

OP posts:
jamnpancakes · 08/09/2025 19:59

What does the deed of trust say?

GC2023 · 08/09/2025 20:00

If you are not working to cover childcare this is saving your partner money and enabling him to work. This is your contribution to the household. Do not sign anything, you should have a claim also. I agree, you should consider getting married legally to get this confirmed.

Tiswa · 08/09/2025 20:03

Yes what does the deed of trust actually say it could very well just protect him

and get a civil partnership easy to get with your budget IF that is what you want and it’s the best way to protect you as you have no financial assets to protect!

and nothing will set out custody until a split actually occurs

Rightandwrong · 08/09/2025 20:05

but we could only afford a £2k wedding

Why on earth does that matter OP?

You would be getting married for the security and protection being married would give you. You don't have to have.a big expensive wedding. Actually small intimate weddings can be really special.and enjoyable.

Sodthesystem · 08/09/2025 20:14

You doing the extra childcare at the expense of your career - is work. You are doing your share and should be compensated. This man does not see you as a partner that he wants to love and protect.

You need the marriage, NOT a wedding. But if he wanted to he would. I'm sorry but you are this man's place holder until something he likes better comes along.

He is telling you - 'i don't want to care for you', 'i don't want you protected if we split'. That's not a man or a partber. It's someone who is only in this for himself.

stayathomer · 08/09/2025 20:17

Is he separated/ divorced op? Or is this a usual thing? Yes I see why he wants to be protected, it’s mostly his house, but I also find it kind of terrible too

Elektra1 · 08/09/2025 20:20

Mantii24 · 08/09/2025 19:57

9 months. we cant afford full time child care so thats why im part time. i understand what u are saying but thats not the question i asked.

Show quote history

By “we can’t afford childcare” do you mean “my wage doesn’t cover the cost” or “our JOINT incomes don’t cover the cost (and leave enough over to pay mortgage and bills”? If it’s the first version, don’t be a mug. You’re not married, so you have no financial protection if you split up. He’s chosen to have a child with you - a child you BOTH created. The cost of childcare does not fall to you and your wage alone. You are a family. The early years are brief and your career is long. He should be shouldering at least half of the cost of childcare for the child you are BOTH responsible for. Get yourself back into a decent job asap.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 08/09/2025 20:38

In terms of the question you asked in your thread title, you can’t, that horse has already bolted.

If he wants to marry you, although at this stage it will only really benefit you and not him, so unlikely, you should bite his hand off at the offer, book a cheap one asap and worry about a party/honeymoon etc later. You need the financial and legal protection marriage brings if you’re relying on him while on Mat leave.

If he doesn’t want to marry you:

  1. Do NOT pay anything towards the mortgage of a house you don’t own and have no claim over.
  2. Only pay proportionally towards any other costs to enable you both to have equal spending money once the joint expenses of running a house and caring for a child are covered
  3. If he pushes for anything else, leaving you financially disadvantaged, move out, put in a claim for maintenance, apply for universal credit and buckle in for the single parent life. If he won’t provide for you while you’re doing the important work of raising his child, he’s not a partner and doesn’t deserve the title or position.
Framesite · 08/09/2025 20:45

You're in a very precarious position, having put your career on hold to raise a child by a man who has no financial obligations to you whatsoever. From your POV it is essential you marry.

If that's not a possibility, you must go back to work FT, and build your own financial security. Childcare is a joint cost, it doesn't come just from your salary.

I think it's likely you will need to sign away any right you might have to the house before he can get a mortgage. Lenders won't usually lend against a house that has another adult living there , without them signing to say they have no financial interest in it.

DorothyStorm · 08/09/2025 20:52

You need to get married. Speak to a financial advisor yourself, too. I do not buy his mortgage excuse at all, especially with the deed of trust. Speak to a solicitor too. Do not sign anything or agree to anything until you have spoken to a solicitor. Also, what will be be doing to improve your pension contributions and savings while you cannot work full-time because of childcare costs?

Dippythedino · 09/09/2025 01:10

This is a prime example of why people shouldn't rush into having kids so early on in the relationship. You hardly know each other & you're tied to each other for life because of a child. Do not have anymore kids with him and get your contraception sorted out.

I really wouldn't move in with him, let him buy and maintain a property on his own. I suspect the only reason he can afford to buy is because you'll subsidise him.the childcare bill should be split between the pair of you.

MeTooOverHere · 09/09/2025 03:03

What do you mean by this?

"i rent my house privately ...
I moved in with him at the start then we had our child. Now we are moving as need something bigger."

Do you mean at the time you rented and now you live together?
Or do you mean you are paying off a house that is rented out?

MsSmartShoes · 09/09/2025 05:19

You’re being screwed over. You can’t afford childcare so you’re taking the hit on your earning potential AND being punished for it by not being named on the deeds etc!! But still being expected to contribute towards the mortgage. What about your pension? This is not fair at all.

Zanatdy · 09/09/2025 05:22

Protect yourself and get married. Who cares how much you spend on it. Either that or go back full time as otherwise you’ll be entitled to very little if you do ever split down the line, with minimal pension too.

DorothyStorm · 09/09/2025 05:30

So you‘ve been in a relationship with this man about a year and you are damaging your salary, earning potential, savings and pension. And in return he wants you to have no rights to the ne2 family home he wants?

You have talked about the cost of the wedding you could afford, but is this even a possibility? Id be surprised if he actually wanted marriage given his efforts to make sure you remain financially insecure.

suggest the £2k wedding for before you buy a nee house.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/09/2025 06:44

Does the child have his surname too?. If so this is yet more power all too easily handed over to him. Marriage to him now is not looking likely either.

And you can be named on a mortgage document . He does not want you on this deliberately. Do not pay anything towards his mortgage you are not named on. And I’d move back into your former home giving the current tenant notice to leave.

CopperWhite · 09/09/2025 06:58

If he’s already got you to sign a deed of trust, he probably doesn’t want to get married and give half of everything he has away to someone who can contribute nothing financially.

OP, don’t rely on a man to provide for you just because you got pregnant. You can work and start your own savings fund, and look into how to improve your credit rating.

millymollymoomoo · 09/09/2025 07:34

He’s being sensible. Youbrushed I to a baby very quick. You don’t really know each other. He’s paying for 100% of house and presumably has deposit etc. it’s right he should protect that.

you could get a deed that is 90:10 or 80:20 or whatever.

have you actually say down and had a proper conversation about money ? Childcare, pt income, your roles in the relationship etc. and explained that you want some level of protection? That’s the place to start

Girlmom35 · 09/09/2025 10:11

This whole relationship is built on an unfair situation.

Do not pay anything towards a mortgage when you're not co-owner of the house. Not even 1/4.

Time to have a very open conversation with your partner about his willingness to protect your well-being in case anything ever happens to him or in case you ever break up.
You're in a relationship and raising a child together. You both need to feel safe. And you both need to be profiting from the life you're building together.