Would like advice/suggestions on how to make my wife feel loved.

[ConfusedManNeedHelp]

Hi.
Background. Wife late 40s - me early 50s. We have been married for 20+ years with 2 kids - 17 and 12.
A few times a year my wife's has emotional outbursts that last a day or two. These are in the form of her saying her life is not satisfactory - she does lots for the family and I do now. I don't show her any love or care. She will also bring up incidents from years ago to illustrate her point.
The trigger for these episodes appear to me to not make sense sometimes. For example - she will ask about her contribution to family finance and I will say husband and wife should share equally but due to her 'traditional' upbringing she will say the man has to contribute more financially.
We get paid the same per hour but she works more hours (double) so her income is higher. She does not believe in joint accounts and also refuses to do calculations of family spending.
All the bills are paid by me. Her contributions are not less - she mostly pays for big items like holidays.
The arguments are not always about finance but also that I don't show her care/love.

These episodes used to be at the time of her period but she is now menopausal or pre-menopausal (very intermittent periods). Not every period but the argument/complaining would always occur around her period time. In the last few years she has started fasting 72 hours once per month and our disagreements will be during her time of fasting.

After the emotional outbursts things go back to normal and she acts almost like they did not take place.

We live with my mother in the house I grew up in. Most of the time it is fine but my wife prefers to be busy out of the house as she feels pressure when at home.

My wife will not consider reducing working hours. She does not believe in date nights saying they are a waste of money and we should include kids. She does not want gifts - jewellery/handbags/scarves given are unused. I do most of the cooking and all the shopping. We share other chores. I do lots of DIY for the house which is needed. I do all the admin for the house and kids schooling.

Financially we are comfortable with 50k savings and maybe 300k equity.

What can I do to make her feel love and cared for? Welcome suggestions for things I can do to improve the situation.

From what she's said, what specifically is it that you understand to be her complaint?

Why don't you have your own home without your MIL? Sounds like your wife hates her living conditions

Why do you only work PT?

Sounds very imbalance all over.

We live with my mother in the house I grew up in. Most of the time it is fine but my wife prefers to be busy out of the house as she feels pressure when at home.

Ah, I missed this bit. I suspect that this is key. She doesn't feel comfortable in her own home.

It is not ideal but common in our culture. My wife will not discuss moving out - it was her idea at the time.

I definitely wouldn't want to live with my MIL. Maybe suggest getting your own place to see if that's the root cause?

Financials though, we put in proportion to our wages. It's not fair one pays everything while the other gets to save.

But again moving into your own pad might change the mindset a bit.

What is the "pressure" she feels at home? What are her objections to moving out?

Would you ask a woman that?
Especially one that pays all the bills? 🤔

Well the first thing you can do is stop blaming her hormones for her feelings. A key point in so-calle dhormonal outburts is that the feelings are generated by the hormones. It's just that ourability to subsume those feelings reduces. She feels what she feels all the time. Trust me.

I have no idea what she needs to feel loved. If you really are doing your share of the financial and physical load, my guess therefore might be more appreciation and acknowledgement and/or forethought. You seem to want to show love by buying her things or taking her places. Perhaps she wants you to recognise her contributions - does she take care of your mother? Does she do all the thinking and mental load in your home? What does she do for your children?

If she's had a bad time at work, are you ready to listen? To run her a bath? To pour her a glass of wine?

Doyou think ahead? Knowing that she has a long day, do you prepare dinner in advance, without asking her what's needed? You say she pays for holidays, does she also do all the thinking and planning and would she prefer you to be involved?

Shes earning more than you but wants you to be the main breadwinner. Why does she earn so much more if your per hour salaries are similar? Are you refusing to work full time hours? Perhaps that is the issue?

I don't know. She could just be her own worst enemy. But these are things I can think of off the top of my head.

You sound very disconnected. A lot of focus on the financials, even the gift giving - you’re buying her traditionally ‘feminine’ gifts such as scarves and handbags - are they her style? Does she seem to like them at the time or are you just assuming women like this stuff and then wondering why she doesn’t use them? My ex bought me clothes, bags etc and he knew my taste, chose colours that I regularly wore, and knew not to get jewellery as I don’t wear any. Those gifts scream “I don’t know my wife, a shop assistant chose this”.

You dismiss years worth of arguments/grievances based on their timing. Yes she probably did get to the end of her tether at certain times of the month, as many of us do. That doesn’t mean she wasn’t really angry about those things, or that once the oestrogen worked its magic and she able to be compliant and calm again that her issues resolved themselves. Maybe try actually listening to your wife. Treat her as a partner, not an accessory, ensure she feels she has agency in her own life, find out what her hopes and aspirations are, ask her what she would actually appreciate as a gift or treat. Women are not a homogenous mass, asking us won’t help you here. You need to ask her. And actually listen to her answers. Radical I know.

She feels smothered by the living arrangements.

Can you imagine a woman genuinely wanting her marital home to be her mother in law's house. Don't tell me you both sleep in your childhood bedroom?

She's working double the hours that you do, while she fully admits she thinks the man should contribute more. You're contributing much less.

I think she wants seperate finances because you don't earn enough money and she doesn't want to pay for you.

I think it needs to be much more even. Can you take on more work? And you need to move out to a place of your own. Otherwise she won't ever be happy I don't think.

What is her “love language”? Touch, acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, or gifts? You could both read the book (5 love languages)

Say thank you and tell her you appreciate how hard she works. Ask her what you can do to show her she is loved and important. Make sure you don't make her feel 2nd place to your mother! Listen to her, be genuinely curious without offering solutions or telling her what you think she should do/ say / feel.

think about your wife and what you admire in her, what delights you about her, what qualities she possesses. Then tell her.
“I love you you’re an amazing mother” will NOT make her feel loved.

I do ask what I should do but get no answer.

You don't sound as if you know her at all -- blaming her unhappiness on her hormones, buying her generic presents, asking strangers on the internet what you can do to make a woman you've been married to for 20 years feel loved?

Maybe your marriage has just come to an end, and you'd both be happier apart.

Is this correct. I should not tell her she is amazing and a great mother?

Yes I would, as the household sounds really imbalanced and unhappy.

Parity is not gendered.

Are you from different cultures?

Have you posted before? I remember reading something super similar a while back

But what exactly is amazing about her? Tell her that. What I like most about my DH is that he's clever, observant, well-read and funny, he gets things done, has a spirit of adventure, he's capable of dealing with a very stressful job with grace in a way that I never fail to admire, and even when he's on the other side of the world, he has my back (and DS's).

which is in itself an answer. She probably wants you to know.

Here's an example from my life. Broadly, me and DH are happy and he's a great husband, loving ,, considerate, thoughtful. But one of the things I've always found a bit upsetting is he just doesn't think ahead, and that includes about ME. So he does make a big thing about my birthday... but my gifts are almost always whatever he can find at our local (not very impressive) mall the day before. He doesn't think a few weeks ahead so that he's got time to order something I really want, o rpersonalise something or whatever. He doesn't bring flowers or chocolate home. These are small things but for ME (and this i ME, not all women), it's not about the flowers or the chocolate e- it's the idea that when he ws not with me, he was thinking about me. Which I have always deeply suspected he does not do.

I just want him to THINK about me. I suspect, from what you're saying, your wife is the same. It's not about the gift, the chocolate, the meal. It's about you thinking about what she would actually like and doing it.

It’s possible that she’s unhappy but it’s not fixable? That’s hard to live with.

She clearly has a strong belief that you as a couple should be living with parents and ?caring for them. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel the strain at times, and it also doesn’t mean that she wants to break that arrangement as she would then be living in a way that’s contrary to her values. Just like most of us moan about our kids but wouldn’t stop being parents, or moan about our jobs despite believing strongly we should be at work. Does she feel well treated by your MIL? Do you stand up for her?

Or it may be nothing to do with that. She has her own inner life; it may be something else that’s very important and going unaddressed.

Something that’s important to me is to know that my dp is strong enough to cope with me being unhappy at times and will spend the energy to comfort and listen to me without falling over himself. He tells me so many times that he loves, fancies and adores me, and he puts himself out for me, but he also really listens to me.

He has given me some amazing presents - the best of all was a top of the range travel coffee mug which keeps the coffee really hot for a long time, because that makes a difference to my life, because he really knows my life and my job. He did give me a scarf when we barely knew each other but he wouldn’t do that now, several years in.

For those who have asked. She gets on well with my mother, more so than me.

The way you talk about her outbursts here sounds pretty dismissive. You describe them as emotional outbursts and link them to her period / fasting times. This seems to imply to me that you think these are unreasonable outbursts that only occur because she’s at the mercy of hormones or her body, and they’re too emotional. Perhaps you’re right and they match with these times, and perhaps you’re not, but even if they do match up, have you considered that these are the times when she is a little lower in patience and says what she really thinks, rather than she says something unreasonable at these times?

Also, you say she says “you don’t show her any love or care” then you talk in your post almost entirely about finances. Do you think love and care are the same as finances? Is that what she is talking about, or something else? What are the examples?

When she asks about her contribution to family finance, what is she asking about? Clearly you both disagree on how family finances work, and both have assumptions on this which appear to clash. It’s not fair of her to refuse to discuss family spending.

Tbh if there isn't a back story, she sounds like someone who isn't happy with the way her life has turned out and feels frustrated and is taking it out on you.

Often I think they feel they picked the "safe" social option and they haven't achieved as much as they wanted or turned into the person they wanted to be.

It sounds like you're dedicated to her, its a nice family environment at home but maybe she thinks she "could" have achieved more.

You pay all the bills (and sounds like you'd be supportive if she wanted to work less)

but there are some women who still want the social status of an alpha "high earner" husband.

I think the physical changes in her 40s tend to reinforce this feeling.

Not much you can do to help her unless she decides to take responsibility for her own happiness.

There's men like this as well - they pick fights to calm themselves down. Even if they have a lovely supportive partner and a stable life they think they "deserve" someone younger and more glamorous.

If she's consistently being aggressive or intimidating or creating a "mood" its abusive. Doesn't matter if its a man or a woman.

I assume you want to stay in the relationship...I'd honestly just start working on yourself and your own wellbeing?

Start exercising, find a hobby, start meditation, do quiet days out without her. Just grey rock her if she's in a mood and starts an argument and refuses to talk. If she wants to sort herself out she can join you.