Would like advice/suggestions on how to make my wife feel loved.

[ConfusedManNeedHelp]

Hi.
Background. Wife late 40s - me early 50s. We have been married for 20+ years with 2 kids - 17 and 12.
A few times a year my wife's has emotional outbursts that last a day or two. These are in the form of her saying her life is not satisfactory - she does lots for the family and I do now. I don't show her any love or care. She will also bring up incidents from years ago to illustrate her point.
The trigger for these episodes appear to me to not make sense sometimes. For example - she will ask about her contribution to family finance and I will say husband and wife should share equally but due to her 'traditional' upbringing she will say the man has to contribute more financially.
We get paid the same per hour but she works more hours (double) so her income is higher. She does not believe in joint accounts and also refuses to do calculations of family spending.
All the bills are paid by me. Her contributions are not less - she mostly pays for big items like holidays.
The arguments are not always about finance but also that I don't show her care/love.

These episodes used to be at the time of her period but she is now menopausal or pre-menopausal (very intermittent periods). Not every period but the argument/complaining would always occur around her period time. In the last few years she has started fasting 72 hours once per month and our disagreements will be during her time of fasting.

After the emotional outbursts things go back to normal and she acts almost like they did not take place.

We live with my mother in the house I grew up in. Most of the time it is fine but my wife prefers to be busy out of the house as she feels pressure when at home.

My wife will not consider reducing working hours. She does not believe in date nights saying they are a waste of money and we should include kids. She does not want gifts - jewellery/handbags/scarves given are unused. I do most of the cooking and all the shopping. We share other chores. I do lots of DIY for the house which is needed. I do all the admin for the house and kids schooling.

Financially we are comfortable with 50k savings and maybe 300k equity.

What can I do to make her feel love and cared for? Welcome suggestions for things I can do to improve the situation.

Yes. Do not tell her she is “amazing and a great mother”. Those are cheap words that show you have not actually seen her, seen her specific and unique qualities.

As an example: “when I see your patience with child X, and how you helped them tell you about their difficult day, I feel so grateful that you are their mother” is a loving statement, while “you’re the best mum ever” is a meaningless statement

Thank you. I will try to find this book. Past experience is she makes herself too busy to read this type of stuff.

Sigh. The book is for YOU. YOU need to read the book. (In fact it's a completely ludicrous book, anyway, but no one is suggesting you bob out and buy a self-help book, hand it to your wife, and sit back and wait for it to 'work'.)

I find it interesting you haven't answered any of the questions about why you work so few hours compared to her, nor commented on the suggestions that perhaps she wants you to show that you actually value her. Nor have you answered anythign about what it is SHE does for the household.

And the one you have engaged witn is a book that you've now decideed it's upt o HER to read even though you're supposedly looking for things YOU can do? I can assure you, that adding something to her "to do"pile, especially if its how she can change her attitude, is NOT going to be the answer.

Regarding work. My job was only offered as job share with another colleague and I think work life balance is important. Due to my wife working so much - one parent needs to do the family admin/school runs/clubs/etc.
Hoildays - I make all the plans and bookings for holidays - recently I have been the one to pay for them.

I don't mean to be unkind but does she still have feelings for you and respect you?

Just want to add that she has said she would not work less if I did more work. I don't want to live in a stressful way rushing around work and kids when it is not financially necessary.

You both sound very family oriented. This is a good thing.

Tbh a mum saying on here that she was working part time to do kids drop offs etc with 2 kids at secondary school would get several responses suggesting it’s time she worked full time. That may or may not help your wife feel loved and cared for.

It is rather worrying that she doesn’t want date nights with you. I would try and apply a little imagination to that one. Does she see friends? What does she do with them? I loved it when dp took me to a favourite activity of mine.

I’m like some men who post on here in that feeling desired and sexy is part of what makes me feel loved. But in a lot of relationships adding to the sexual pressure in the relationship isn’t going to make the woman suddenly feel loved if it’s not happening already.

BOTH people have to work on the relationship, not just the husband who has to deal with the wife's immature outbursts. She ALSO has to work on herself and her insatisfactions in life.

This.

Your wife is immature. You sound like you already do more than her and more than many husbands. I'm of similar age, and while people can tell you to stop blaming things on the hormones all they want, sorry, but before the period, things do seem way more negative than they seem after the period. I know it and I learnt to calm MYSELF down during those times. My DH definetely annoyes me much more before the period than after.

If your wife needs to feel loved, she needs to communicate to you how exactly she wants it to be shown. It's not up to you to guess, everybody is different! And she has to show you love as well. You talk about her insatisfaction, but surely, you also have needs and it doesn't look like your wife is the type to worry about them.

Why don't you try therapy? And in the meantime, do focus on yourself and your needs as well, you sound like you only think about the kids and her.

Thank you @Anuta77 and @Tvburnsout

I think my wife's upbringing as the youngest of 4 has caused her to be immature at times but is not a deal breaker.
I will try to show more affection and attentiveness as I think that is something I could do better.

Sounds a bit naff maybe but how about doing couch to 5k together?

not naff to do but I can’t think of anything else

However, I didn't say that YOU have to do more for her or excuse her immaturity. She's no longer a child, she has children herself and it's time to grow up.
If she's miserable inside, and does nothing about it HERSELF, no matter what you do (while erasing yourself), she will continue being miserable and drag you into it. So nothing will change.