I'm a 39F and neurodivergent. I've been in a LDR with a guy in the U.S. for a year now (I'm in the U.K) who is a bit younger than me (33) and diagnosed autistic. He is high functioning, in that he has a complex professional job in software development, lives alone, etc.
We get on really well, have a lot of shared values, hes intelligent, kind and hardworking. Although I wouldn't normally be interested in a LDR, it's been OK so far especially as I can work remotely and travel.
I've just been out to see him for a month - my longest trip so far - and have had a rude awakening with his household management skills.
I'm posting this as I've not actually had to deal with this before as previous partners for the most part have been very competent - more than me, and I'm confused by it, and second guessing myself
He knows it's important to me that things are 50/50. I have a professional job, my own home, and I like a comfortable, clean environment. I would be the breadwinner if he moves out to be with me, which has been the plan so far. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do have an idea of the 'average' cleaning a competent man will do if he intends to contribute.
He said he intended to make a big effort to ensure sure his place was in a good state when I came out, and tried to prepare for my visit.
When I arrive, I found things.... weren't great. I spent 45 mins cleaning his bathroom the day after I arrived as it hadn't been done properly - the bottom half of the toilet may not have been cleaned in a month, and was pretty gross, there was dust all over the shower, piles of dust in the corners of the bathroom, etc. He also had new black towels which had created black fluff all over the bathroom.
I told him it upset me, and he said he'd do better, but by the end of the trip I'd spent another few hours cleaning the rest of his house, mostly on my own, as he 'forgot'. The one time he did clean the bathroom in his apartment I had to re-do some of it as it hadn't been done properly. I was wfh in his place while he was out and I just wasn't comfortable in an unclean environment. It's surprised me, as my previous partners were mostly very competent, better able than me at doing stuff, made my life easier etc.
Another example - he used a fan every night that was literally black from being covered in dust. He cleaned that as I insisted.
I also cooked most of the time I was there as I don't trust his cooking. His food is great but he uses a lot of oil when cooking and doesn't make vegetables so it didn't feel healthy.
For his birthday I planned a big thing for him, during our trip to Mexico. On my birthday he got the logistics wrong for travel in his area so we ended up driving for literally 7 hours, with no free time to spend together. This guy was in the military for years, it blows my mind.
He only had one set of sheets, and 3 forks, and no decent pans. I bought him 2 new pans to cook with as the others were so old / gross.
When he visited me he cleaned the kitchen every night and put the bins out, did all the washing up without asking. It gave me the impression he was very capable.
Writing it all down upsets me. I feel like his mom.
I now feel if he moves to the UK to live with me that I'll either have to do everything, or micromanage him. He's said just teach him and he'll do what I say... but that is a lot with a 33 year old man. Yes I could get a cleaner as friends have said, but I also feel I have to carry the mental load - I can't trust him to organise a birthday party for example. Everyone finds him to be a really kind, lovely man, and he is. But this can't be normal? Should I be accepting this?
I don't believe you should expect anyone to change. It's hard to ascertain if it's a lack of knowledge or a lack of care. I know plenty of women have been through this, there's also the autism angle. I'm beyond frustrated!