Need help understanding - adult siblings with different childhood experiences

[moreorlessthesame]

Adult A - eldest - feels like the scapegoat, thinks parents were extremely critical and still are, feels that parents and other family members are disrespectful. Factually, the parents were extremely violent to Adult A, hit adult A frequently on the face, legs, backside leaving bruises, there were a lot of loud arguments and screaming and shouting in the evenings which would escalate quickly, only involving Adult A, not siblings. Adult A says that their belongings would frequently be thrown out of cupboards onto the floor and they then had to pick them up, that they got no sleep because of stress, that there were no apologies, no attempts to reconcile. Adult A left home as a teenager and is very low contact with parents, and fairly low contact with siblings. If siblings get in touch, these issues are raised, feels other siblings should acknowledge the situation and validate Adult A's feelings.

Adult B - middle child - experienced violence but for fewer years, the violence stopped when Adult B was 13 whereas for Adult A it continued until they left home. Parents have made many efforts to reconcile but have never spoken about the violence, and Adult B hasn't raised it. Adult B is close to Adult C and thinks that Adult A should stop holding on to grievances which go back decades. Has received a fair bit of money from parents as an adult (Adult A has not received money). Sometimes gets on well with parents and sometimes doesn't.

Adult C - youngest - experienced no violence and no mistreatment, has always had a very close relationship and has been supported by parents financially and emotionally through childhood and adulthood. Thinks that Adult B is right, and that the reason why there were problems with Adult C is because of Adult C's behaviour as a child, and has high regard for and dependence on parents and finds the criticism of parents to be very upsetting. In fairness, Adult C says that they do not like conflict, they were described as "passive" by parents when they were a child, they suffer from depression.

I have tried to make this so balanced that it will not be possible to try to guess which one I am because I would like the most balanced advice possible! Please don't try to guess which I am even if it is obvious! There have been some recent family events which have required everyone to talk, and suddenly these issues from childhood have blown up and I want to deal with it as well as possible.

What is your question?

I’m adult A in your scenario. Big age gap between A and C, I’d say out of all of us, C is the most fucked up.
I’m in my 50s now.
It doesn’t matter who scored the most points out of all of us. None of it matters when it comes to ‘what actually happened’.
What you need to understand is that your parents did what they knew. It’s not personal, that’s all there is to it. They did what they could, within their capacity/intelligence/education/intergenerational trauma etc.
What matters is what you do with what was done to you.
I’m the only one who got out. Decided my past doesn’t need to define me. And not because I’m anything special, I became a mother. The other two don’t have kids.

Is your post correct? In your description of Adult C do you mean Adult A when you say ‘problems with ..,,’?

You need a question like why did parents treat the kids so differently or you are C and it’s hard to believe A’s story because you had a great life.

I feel bad for A since money and sucking up to the golden child has meant that they have lost an ally in B. While I understand that B may be doing it so that they don’t end up being treated like A, it must really hurt A.

C probably knew not to be like A from a young age and their passivity is also an attempt not to be in the parental crosshairs.

Very sad all round

Anyway I would guess that C is passive and has depression because they saw and felt what happened to A and B. They would have gone into protect mode to ensure they didn’t experience abuse. I would guess they have difficulties forming relationships and reading people. I suspect A is male and B and C are female?

if I were A I would be no contact without an apology. It’s easy for B and C to think A should move on, how can A move on when there’s no acknowledgement or understanding?

Yes, sorry, you are right.

Thank you very much for your post. Do you have any contact with B and C, and does the past ever come up?

My reading of the situation

A had a really shit time of it, and is resentful for the relatively easy time the others had. While I'm sure they realise sibling weren't to blame, the lack of acknowledgement is hurting them and blocking a closer relationship.

B also had a shit time, albeit less so. However has been bought off by a large cash gift and so feels they can no longer criticise. They seem to have chosen their parents money over supporting the sibling through the shared trauma.

C was the golden child, or possibly just lucky to be born at a time the parent were emotionally more stable. Them victim blaming A for the abuse they suffered as a child is pretty unforgettable, so I understand why A would want limited contact.

My reading of the situation

A had a really shit time of it, and is resentful for the relatively easy time the others had. While I'm sure they realise sibling weren't to blame, the lack of acknowledgement is hurting them and blocking a closer relationship.

B also had a shit time, albeit less so. However has been bought off by a large cash gift and so feels they can no longer criticise. They seem to have chosen their parents money over supporting the sibling through the shared trauma.

C was the golden child, or possibly just lucky to be born at a time the parent were emotionally more stable. Them victim blaming A for the abuse they suffered as a child is pretty unforgettable, so I understand why A would want limited contact.

Thanks very much for this, really helpful analysis. In relation to C having problems reading people, any chance you could explain why this would be predictable?

to answer your question, A and C female, B male!

B wants A to dismiss or rugsweep A's childhood experiences, in essence negating A's lived experience. B has a financial incentive as B has gotten money from the parents. C has gotten a completely different experience than A, including financial and emotional support.

B and C can fuck off with their rugsweeping bought and paid for bullshit. Just because they had different experiences and financial support mean A didn't experience what A experienced.

If B and C weren't trying to get A to rugsweep, but merely said something like our experiences and responses are different, I'd feel differently.

A is sounding like the scapegoat. But, A can't really expect B and C to validate their experience. They aren't A and are free to choose their responses.

I’m not too sure of your question but I would assume all are valid experiences. Parents often prefer one child over another and their parenting style changes over time so each child will have a very different view of what their parents were like.

Thanks for this. B and C have told A that they no longer want A to talk about it or refer to it in any conversation from now on in front of them. Tough but reasonable?

Thanks for all the posts so far, all very helpful. I am really grateful.

I think A would be better off out of this toxic mess. B wants to ignore A's legitimate desire to be seen by her family in favour of being bankrolled by his abusive parents. C wants to blame A because it's uncomfortable to know that your parents have the capacity to be cruel.

Does C have kids? Does she have standards for their behaviour that include physical punishment? What could they do that would warrant violence?

That is super unreasonable!,,

It is well known that different siblings have different childhoods full stop.
B and C should be backing up A instead of victim blaming her for how your parents treated her and still treat her- given that they have withheld all support from A her entire life.

There needs to be acknowledgement that your parents were abusive, most especially to child A. Who else can A talk to about her childhood other than her siblings?

B and C are bought off/bribed by money and affection to ignore and minimise what they did to A. Your parents are pitting B and C versus A, which just continues the abuse into adulthood and probably after their deaths.

I don’t see why it would be difficult to understand. All the children had very different childhood experiences. Each of them needs to choose how much of a relationship they want with parents and each other. The siblings all need to respect those boundaries. For example, it’s fine for sibling A to decide to be NC with parents and with sibling B. If they are still close, sibling C should respect that and make the effort to maintain an independent relationship with them away from the rest of the family if that’s what they want. I’m just using the above as an example, not because that’s what the relationships you describe are like.

No one should tolerate any guilt tripping from anyone who isn’t happy about this arrangement. No one should share information with others without consent of those the information is about if they are NC.

Those who are struggling would probably benefit from some therapy to unpick their feelings about their family relationships. The problem is theirs more than it is the one who isn’t (I assume the ones who are struggling to understand are C and maybe B).

Basically, no one owes anyone anything. Everyone is free to live their lives from the perspective of their experiences. If anyone can’t respect that, the problem is theirs to sort out, not anyone else’s job to make them feel comfortable.

I may be C, though maybe not. I watched the shitshow that was A and B and learned to keep my head down.

It wasn’t easy. I actually read other people’s emotions really well because DM was sufficiently volatile I lived on egg shells. No self esteem. Depression etc.

I’m the peacemaker. I find a way to turn situations round so that as many people as possible are ok.

I hate it when my older sibs infer I’m spoiled. I’m not. I work damn hard at smoothing things over and managing relationships.

In my case, my elder sibs went to boarding school and complained they were ‘sent away’. It’s only recently they’ve realised that at least they got to grow up and build friendships away from our awful mother. I had her constantly.

Are you sure you understand the dynamic correctly? I don’t see how you can, as only one of the three.
Were the parents better over time? Or was the youngest cleverer at avoiding conflict?

Whichever, all three are entitled to their own experiences and their own interpretations. All each can reasonably say is, ‘I’m sorry, that sounds awful.’

Along with, ‘I really don’t feel qualified to talk about all this, I’m afraid of saying the wrong thing. Have you considered counselling?’.

Im the Adult A in this scenario and I was pitted against Adult B during all of our childhood. In adulthood we've become close and B sees our parents exactly for who they are so I feel validated with that.

Adult C is a nice person but can't or won't see any wrong in our parents, specifically our mother. It means I can't tell them anything as it all gets brought back .

Adult A and B have gone to loads of therapy and avoid their parents as much as possible. Adult C has never gone to therapy and wouldn't see the need as my mother has saved and protected them their whole life - right down to providing childcare so they didnt need to look externally

I would add though that from my experience, B & C would do very well to brace themselves for what is likely to come. I was very much the favoured child. The one who got all the money. I am still as far as I know the primary heir in my mum and stepdad’s wills.

Until something really bad happened and I spoke up and set some boundaries. Then all hell broke loose. Do not underestimate the fury of manipulative people who have been used to getting their way (or buying favour and compliance). All the abuse and manipulation and the lies that were previously only for everyone else suddenly got rained down on me. I didn’t see it coming. B & C definitely aren’t safe (unless both parents now dead).

I am NC with my family now. I want nothing to do with them ever again. If you had told me at 39 that at 40, they would turn on me, I never would have believed you. In dysfunctional families like this, no one is immune, no matter how long you’ve been the prized one or how much money has been showered on you. Do be careful.

Everyone in the family had different experiences.

Totally unreasonable for B & C to try to silence A. Her experience is different from theirs and equally as valid.

People have different coping strategies - sounds like B & C have opted for "quiet life, don't rock the boat". Which they are entitled to do, for themselves.

But not entitled to try to insist that A also does that, especially as, even as you wrote it, A had a very much worse time of it than the others.

Try empathy with the person who is clearly hurting the most.

I feel very sorry for A, who is still suffering the after-effects of their abuse, and now their siblings (particularly B) are minimising it, and telling A that bygones should be bygones. B and C are both in the wrong here.

As B is male, did the violence stopping at 13 correlate with when they got big enough to hit back?

It if so i doubt very much that their behaviour/choices are the reason the violance stopped stopped, the parents continued to be violent to both children for as long as they were physically stronger. Just something B should reflect on before victim blaming A by suggesting they brought it on themselves.

Your parents were disgusting abusers and Adult A bore the brunt of it. For Adult A, it never stopped. There has been no apology or attempts to make amends. They have received no money or help from parents.

B and C are totally unreasonable to expect A to never talk about their dreadful childhood experiences in front of them. They are trying to just brush it under the carpet and are being completely unfair. These abusve, violent parents should be in jail. I wish A would report them to the police.

@moreorlessthesameI think C will struggle reading people because growing up there would have been no consistent behaviour from your parents. I suspect the abuse of A was just non stop but then with B it continued but was unpredictable. C possibly could not predict or was so nervous about how to behave that they masked their behaviour in order to not get abused. They may have become a people pleaser, realised it worked with everyone and never learnt that it’s important in life to be able to deal with different people and adapt. People pleasing all the time is incredibly draining and would lead to depression imo.

I’m just speculating, I don’t have any professional qualifications so poss this is way off!