Need help understanding - adult siblings with different childhood experiences

[moreorlessthesame]

Adult A - eldest - feels like the scapegoat, thinks parents were extremely critical and still are, feels that parents and other family members are disrespectful. Factually, the parents were extremely violent to Adult A, hit adult A frequently on the face, legs, backside leaving bruises, there were a lot of loud arguments and screaming and shouting in the evenings which would escalate quickly, only involving Adult A, not siblings. Adult A says that their belongings would frequently be thrown out of cupboards onto the floor and they then had to pick them up, that they got no sleep because of stress, that there were no apologies, no attempts to reconcile. Adult A left home as a teenager and is very low contact with parents, and fairly low contact with siblings. If siblings get in touch, these issues are raised, feels other siblings should acknowledge the situation and validate Adult A's feelings.

Adult B - middle child - experienced violence but for fewer years, the violence stopped when Adult B was 13 whereas for Adult A it continued until they left home. Parents have made many efforts to reconcile but have never spoken about the violence, and Adult B hasn't raised it. Adult B is close to Adult C and thinks that Adult A should stop holding on to grievances which go back decades. Has received a fair bit of money from parents as an adult (Adult A has not received money). Sometimes gets on well with parents and sometimes doesn't.

Adult C - youngest - experienced no violence and no mistreatment, has always had a very close relationship and has been supported by parents financially and emotionally through childhood and adulthood. Thinks that Adult B is right, and that the reason why there were problems with Adult C is because of Adult C's behaviour as a child, and has high regard for and dependence on parents and finds the criticism of parents to be very upsetting. In fairness, Adult C says that they do not like conflict, they were described as "passive" by parents when they were a child, they suffer from depression.

I have tried to make this so balanced that it will not be possible to try to guess which one I am because I would like the most balanced advice possible! Please don't try to guess which I am even if it is obvious! There have been some recent family events which have required everyone to talk, and suddenly these issues from childhood have blown up and I want to deal with it as well as possible.

Did A try to please their parents or did they very early ‘give up’ as nothing they did was right? A being female potentially meant the parents had higher expectations?

My H had an A, B, C sibling set up except he was the favoured firstborn, so had the status of B in Op's situation. His 1 year younger brother had the status of A. Both parents hit both kids, proper beatings with a dog leash or wooden spoon, but H's brother by far got the worst of it because he was more "difficult".

Their sister arrived 5 years after my H and was definitely a C. She witnessed the beatings and was mocked relentlessly - the mockery was relentless, stemming from FIL, who wielded it against his wife and kids. MIL also engaged in it against the kids, and H engaged it against his siblings. A trickle down of humiliation disguised as jokes.

By the time I came on the scene, when H was on his 30s, MIL and FIL had obvioudly stopped the beatings (kids too big and could fight back), and the mockery was more watered down. And they were putting up a pretty convincing happy family appearance, which the kids played along with quite devotedly (it sure fooled me). The kids and MIL were all still in thrall to FIL. But I noticed how distant the kids were with each other. They were not friends, did not consider each other as friends, had little to do with each other outside family get together. It was... odd.

But BIL clearly HATED his mother, even though it was FIL who mostly beat him. The resentment was palpable, and sometimes burst out at family get togethers. MIL found this upsetting and talked about it with H, me, and SIL. She seemed to regret how she and FIL had parented the kids.

At one point, we encouraged MIL to talk to BIL. They sat in his car and he told her exactly what he thought, how he had experienced his childhood, and how he felt then and now.

MIL was shattered and crying. But the next day, she told him, and then us that BIL was "exaggerating, we weren't that bad, we were loving parents who made a few mistakes" and BIL should "forgive and forget instead of walking about with all this excessive anger".

This is how dysfunctional families work. The dysfunction comes from the parents, who make all of the children feel unsafe, which makes them competitive for parental approval (because it protects them from beatings and mockery), which terminally poisons the relationships between the children. This poison resonates on and on into adulthood.

From what I've seen in my IL family, it's almost impossible to overcome this. The divisions go really deep, and the historical pain and injustice just never gets addressed and the family remains this dysfunctional mess, where the poison erupts every now and again in a violent conflagration that everyone then rugsweeps.

And it starts to affect the next generation as well, the envy and competitiveness and currying for Gramp's or Granny's favour starts to emerge in the cousins.

It was really bad in my IL family and I withdrew myself and limited contact between my kids and the ILs because of it.

So all I can say to you, OP, is that A is justified in her pain and anger and desire for her siblings and parents to acknowledge how horribly she was treated. But it's unlikely that that acknowledgement will ever come. All A can do is accept this, decide how much contact with her abusers and their sibling collaborators she can tolerate, try to heal with therapy, and live a full rich life with her FOO in either her periphery or in her rear view mirror.

this was horrific to read....why all this to Adult A

Yes unfortunately when there is a parent(s) who have a lack of empathy there are going to be fractured limping sibling relationships. It is the only way it can be with a disordered parent at the helm. It’s not your fault there’s no magic way to be heard and validated. I can’t spend time with people who make me promise to act as if certain things haven’t happened, things that forever tore my sense of safety. I can’t support someone else’s need for an alternative reality to what actually happened to me. I would never feel comfortable telling someone what they can and can’t talk about with me. I would sooner avoid someone then ever hear myself say that to someone.

Adult b and c have no right to demand Adult a put aside the physical and emotional abuse they received as a child.

in demanding this they are invalidating the abuse and are facilitating their abusive parents.

To a point although how one could be close to people who abused a child is beyond me.

‘well they were nice to me’ is a pretty lame viewpoint

This.
Your parents were violent abusers.
I feel very sorry Sibling A, they had a horrific childhood and possibly should report his parents for their abuse.
They clearly have never owned what they have done.
They have bought off the other two children.
Neither sibling B or C have much going for them character wise.

Sibling A is right to keep their distance.

The other two siblings are CF's to suggest they should move on.
More likely they should report their violent abusive parents.

I would urge A to seek counselling. A very toxic family dynamic is at play here and A would be better served talking things through with a professional. I understand A’s want for acknowledgement from their siblings but they clearly aren’t willing and if A stay on this course, it probably won’t end well.

A needs to focus their energies on working through their trauma with professional support and who knows, if all goes well, maybe there could be an opportunity to invite B and C to family therapy.

I don't identify with any of the siblings, but I feel sad for all of them. They have all been damaged in some way. I hope they can eventually find their own peace.

My husband is adult A in your post. His dad was a bullying violent alcoholic. Husband worked hard got into uni, never looked back.

Younger siblings had a vastly different experience the two below him remember a bit of the bad times, but also remember the sober dad.

The youngest 2 don’t remember alcoholic dad at all.

Husband is the only one who has moved away and is low contact with all of them. They don’t understand that he has a vastly different recollection of childhood to them and blame him for the lack of contact without seeing his side of it.

We don’t live in the same country, none of us.
I’m in contact with B and my mum, twice a year or so, by phone. C has blocked everyone and I don’t blame him.
The past came up a lot once I had DD. We’re all on the same page, but million planets away from our parents, who see nothing wrong. But even if we all know what happened, B is still trying to get our parents’s approval and love. C is destroyed by it all.

I don’t take any of it personally. Literally, they are all people I know, but I don’t expect anything and I offer very little.

I still don’t understand what are you trying to get to the bottom of.

I am also Adult A in this scenario and I agree. It's often the eldest children that take the worst in abusive families. Awful.

I think B and C should stop minimising the abuse that child A suffered.

If they have a shred of decency, B and C need to ensure the inheritance goes 3 ways when their evil parents actually do something nice for a change.

I am close to example C (although didn’t escape the chaos entirely but received it to a much lesser extent). I am extremely aware of what A&B went through and continue too to some degree. I am also reminded frequently of how each had a harder time then me etc. I have no trouble reading people I never buried my head in the sand.

The chaos defined my siblings life whereas as witnessing the shitshow I was able to adapt how I dealt with things/parents and so managed to escape much of the harm but not all of it. I also became a peacemaker and general fixer of all problems and sometimes the weight of that responsibility was heavy as it continued well into adulthood until it was dragging me down and I had to go low contact with A&B for my own wellbeing. Actually mostly low contact with A. They don’t realise the affect these continual conversations have on everyone. They wouldn’t know how I feel as I never tell them. Maybe B&C need a break or just want to move forward and not look back …in my experience that’s all I wanted to do. Consequently, I had to set some hard boundaries as C. Because the conversations, and even a few weeks ago the trauma dump (releasing new info I had no memory of (which she sought out from an old family friend as her validation) momentarily had an immense effect on me at a time when - unbeknownst to them - I’m dealing with so much other stuff.

As C, I seem to be A&Bs go to for these conversations - which having suffered less is a role I have accepted. But it doesn’t mean person C doesnt suffer. We are just dealing with the things in the way that works for us! B&C can set whatever boundaries they like and those which are best for their mental health. It’s not lost on me that I can push past my past and they can’t. Sometimes I wish A could just move forward. But it’s not my story it’s theirs.

In my case, as a result I am LC with A which she finds difficult but my own mental health / wellbeing is much better. And with a family of my own that’s is my priority.

Agree, the minimising of child A's abuse is beyond horrific. Completely agree with @CinnamonJellyBeans.

Agree with so much that is posted here.

i am sibling A. Exactly the same dynamics as op.

not sure what the question is but can say that (I). Having abuse unrecognised or denied by siblings, or even having it unequally dished out makes for fractures between siblings that don’t heal, as @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta says.

also yy to inter generational trauma continuing

the best thing the siblings can do is openly acknowledge each other’s experience and offer some measure of validation. But also accept that each one will have a different relationship with parents. And respect it.

Great post.
That is why I find it unbelievable when posters allow their abusive parents access to their children because they are so misguided in thinking it is somehow their parents right to have a relationship with their grandchildren.

So seriously fxxked up.

This is completely invalidating to A. I would guess it would make them feel like utter shit. I'd say they should forget these people.

To me I think sibling C could be more effected by the family dynamics than they let on.

I'm one of two older siblings in a family where the younger ones got a very different set of parents and life experiences. The brother close to me in age experienced a lot of the same things but we dealt with it in completely opposite ways (I kept a low-profile, started distancing myself as much as I could very early, and left ASAP while my brother handled it by being the center of the chaos and forcing our parents to do battle with him). I went through the process of setting firm boundaries and limiting contact when my younger siblings were early teens. They're adults now and we've never really discussed how difficult my childhood was, nor do I seek validation about my feelings towards our parents from them. My oldest brother and I have at times but I find we have a better relationship if we limit it. I think that's all ok - I don't get to prioritize my feelings and need to work through anger at my parents over their need to love and feel stable in their own parent relationships. I have plenty of other people I talk to about it, but I don't think my siblings owe me that.

You haven't really described what C and B are wanting in terms of "letting things go". If that means they're guilting A into having a relationship with the parents, trying to convince them their experience wasn't that bad, passing on information to parents that A has asked to be kept away then that's not acceptable and A should limit contact as needed to protect their boundaries with the parents. But if all B and C want is for A to stop bringing their parents up and trying to change how B and C feel then honestly I think that's a reasonable boundary for them to set. A will need to decide if they would rather have a relationship on those terms or not at all.

Do you and your children have a relationship with your parents? Have your parents ever expressed remorse and regret for the way that they treated sibling A?

You had a completely different childhood than your siblings, particularly A and I hope she has some good friends and has sought some therapy to deal with the abuse she suffered and the rejection from one of her siblings because she is too 'difficult'.

I presume that the abuse that A suffered was bad enough that she is unable to just 'move on' like you have done. What your parents did is a crime and your sister is the victim. Your parents have ruined her life, for ever.

A, B and C are all victims. They were all parentified.
A was used by the parents as a scapegoat and the recipient of all of their anger.
B was the child who had to hold the family together, who had to forgive years of abuse and witnessing their sibling to through horrible things, but also feeling responsible for acknowledging the efforts of the parents to do better.
C was the child who has to remain blissfully unaware that their parents were anything other than wonderful. This child carries the burden of validating the parents' self esteem and pride.

They are all still living in the old dynamic and dancing to the tunes their parents have played all their lives.
All siblings have their own trauma, and all siblings are still living the roles their parents needed them in.
They need a 'bad child' who they can blame for everything that went wrong.
They need a forgiving child to show them that it's not their fault that A can't fogive them, because B surely could so what's the problem?
They need a success child, to prove to themselves and the world that they were capable of being good parents, and that it was A's fault that they weren't.

Every child is still exactly who their parents need them to be.
None of them has grown beyond their childhood roles.
As long as they are still living up to what their parents need/expect from them, none of them will be able to hear the truth of the other siblings, acknowledge the other siblings' pain, see the victimhood in all of them.

For reference, I am A. My younger brother is B. I have a half sibling who I've never met, who I suspect is C.
It happens all the time.
It has put a serious strain on my relationship with my brother.

A big thank you for all the posts here, and for your time. And thank you to those who shared their own experiences, and answered any questions.

Im so glad my DD is an only child. I really have come to the conclusion thar siblings from dysfunctional homes just trigger the shit out of each other with absolutely no intention of doing so just by what they represent. So tragic.

I think A is unlikely to get what they're looking for from B or C - whether that's closure or support or validation of their experiences and memories, or simply a feeling of belonging and shared history.

So while it really stings to hear they don't want to talk about it, it's also clear that no good will come of these conversations for A. They need to find someone outside of the family to work it through with.

One of the awful things about family dynamics like this is that everyone ends up very alone with their memories, there is no common ground or shared sense of reality because it was so chaotic and unpredictable.