Please can someone tell me how bad this sounds? Am I making a big deal of nothing?

[JimCharke]

I have posted about my marriage under another name and NC for this as I just want to ask about this one thing, separately.

DH and I have various issues but a big one is sleep. Around 2022, he started snoring, big time. It would wake me up and then I couldn't get back to sleep, meaning I had to go to work often on 3h sleep.

I talked to him about this many times but he brushed it off. He didn't seem to think it was an issue.

Meantime, I got more and more desperate. I started to feel ill. One day at work, I realised I couldn't feel one side of my face. In fact, it turned out to be a tension headache but at the time, I thought it might be a stroke.

That evening I broke down in tears and said I couldn't live with so little sleep. He finally seemed to get it, and we borrowed an old camping mattress and I started sleeping on the living room floor. At first, it was a relief just not to have the snoring.

But soon, I felt resentful. The living room floor was not comfortable. I began to get pains in my hips from sleeping on the thin camp mattress. I started to say to DH I wanted to look at different solutions. He wouldn't engage.

Not only that, but he made me feel really shitty about it by huffing and eye rolling if I suggested I didn't like the camping mattress arrangement. He would do things that wound me up, probably out of proportion, like when I had set my bed up for the evening, sitting in his chair and propping his feet up on my pillow.

This went on for 15 months before I massively lost it with him and told him he HAD to swap sometimes so I could sleep in a normal bed or I'd leave.

Now, we are in a different house. I have my own room (which DH didn't like) with a normal bed. But I can't get this period of our relationship out of my head. I feel it has shown me that DH deep down does not care about my needs and I cannot rely on him.

How would you feel? Am I over-dramatic? I'm feeling really raw right so if you think I'm wrong, please be nice.

call it what you like it ends up being massively cruel and dangerous to your health.

My DH snores VERY LOUDLY - I bought a blow up double airbed which we have set up in the lounge, and we take it in turns to sleep downstairs.

We are very much of the fact its no ones fault as such (yes he's a little heavier right now) and there is no blame. We are both mindful of what the others needs are for the next day/s. So if he has a busy day then he sleeps upstairs, and same for me.

We are not perfect, but we are a team, and this is how we think a team works.

@TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne
I’m better than I could have ever imagined in the early days of finding out about the OW. I have rebuilt myself and a life that I love.
BUT not without scars and trauma that I possibly never get over. I spent a lot of time and energy to educate myself on covert narcissistic abuse and on emotional abuse. I was shocked to discover how textbook he was/is. and how oblivious I was. That is something that scares me endlessly and has so far prevented to engage in any kind of dating. I was completely blind. I now live with a calm nervous system for the first time in over 20 years. It is mind blowingly different to how I used to feel. I still can’t get my head around how much damage his abuse and aggressions and hidden mind games have done to me. everything he did was so tiny, hidden, behind closed doors…it only existed in a foggy in-between world no friend or family member would have seen…invisible to my cognitive conscience. but my body was hyper aware: the unexplained face rash, the hives no doctor could explain. the chronic fatigue syndrome that disappeared with him. I have learned that the body knows more than my brain, and I started to listen to it more. So overall, life is good. better than with him. but if I could have chosen a path without ever meeting this man, I’d wish that for myself and any other woman.

If he has sleep apnoea:
Has he declared this to the DVLA?
Is it declared on your driving insurance?
He could lose his driving license, or, if he has an accident and hasn't declared it he could be prosecuted.

All of this is rubbish, and I wouldn’t get over it either. But I really can’t understand why you wouldn’t get to have a birthday just because you’re a mum? What? Does he get his own mother birthday presents? It’s just bizarre and against the wider picture speaks to him not placing much value on you (especially now you’re a ‘mum’ and therefore… what?)

I hope things improve for you. You have worth, deserve to be cared for by your partner and your needs are valid.

@Whatachliche I'm so glad you're okay! You went through so much.

I wonder if your ex is behaving the same way with the OW.

I dont agree with the camping mattress or the feet on your pillow however I am apparently a really bad snorer since ive gained weight.
I've tried nose strips, doctors, high pillow,nasal spray, nose cleaner and nose steaming to no avail. I have to now sleep in my sons bottom bunk to give dp rest. The bottom bunk destroys my back.
I feel the seperate beds have destroyed our relationship, sex life and closeness.
Im trying to loose weight but I do feel pushed out of my own room for something I can't help.
Im not saying this to offend you and I get we all need sleep im just sharing from a snorers perspective x

The older you got the more important is that somebody you live with really does care for you. What's the bloody point otherwise? I was really really shocked when you said that you had to go and sleep on the camping mattress and not him. He's so selfish. He will always always put himself first. What do you think living without him would look like?

@Merseymum1980 have you been assessed for sleep apnoea? I was referred by my neurologist as I get migraines and apparently this can be a contributory factor.

Turns out I have sleep apnoea and scarily poor sats that are now treated by my CPAP. And honestly, I now no longer snore, the machine is very quiet, I sleep way better and it feels like I got my brain back again. Also means I am not waking DH or keeping him awake.

I won’t lie: diagnosis made me feel pretty shit about my weight for a bit. But it all went out the window after my first night on CPAP. I am not a good sleeper, but that machine has been a life- and marriage-saver. Might be worth asking your GP for a referral if it could get you back in the marital bed? 💐

No the GP sort of laughed it off.
Ive just ordered monjourno so im hoping it will help with the weight gain.
Thank you xxx

There are various apps you can use to ‘listen’ to you sleeping that will give you an indicator or whether they think you have a problem.

Download one, use it for a couple of nights, and if it says there’s an issue, report it in your GP practice’s online system and ask for a referral to the sleep clinic on the basis that you have evidence you can supply to them. There is a good chance in most practices you’ll get a callback from one of the doctors who may just rubber stamp it if you’ve got some kind of proof of what’s happening.

I look back on the data from my Apple Watch where it logged my sats before and after the CPAP and it’s really clear how bad things were, so again, if you have sats data from a smartwatch, that’s something they can’t ignore.

So pissed off on your behalf because sleep apnoea is more than just snoring and it can have a huge knock-on effect on the rest of your life. Your GP needs to wake up and do their job. You deserve to be taken seriously and helped xx

So much to unpack but propping his feet up on your pillow seems to be the biggest sign of disrespect for me. Horror.

I hear you OP. I had an exH just like this (note ex). I was absolutely destroyed by lack of sleep because of his snoring (overweight and with nasal issues but didn't give a toss and refused to seek medical advice). He used to laugh at me and and say "well it's not keeping me awake". It's unkind and why would anyone be so utterly selfish and dismissive. I have a phrase. 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them'. The feet on your pillow has me enraged for you. Just urgh.