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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can someone tell me how bad this sounds? Am I making a big deal of nothing?

88 replies

JimCharke · 07/09/2025 11:59

I have posted about my marriage under another name and NC for this as I just want to ask about this one thing, separately.

DH and I have various issues but a big one is sleep. Around 2022, he started snoring, big time. It would wake me up and then I couldn't get back to sleep, meaning I had to go to work often on 3h sleep.

I talked to him about this many times but he brushed it off. He didn't seem to think it was an issue.

Meantime, I got more and more desperate. I started to feel ill. One day at work, I realised I couldn't feel one side of my face. In fact, it turned out to be a tension headache but at the time, I thought it might be a stroke.

That evening I broke down in tears and said I couldn't live with so little sleep. He finally seemed to get it, and we borrowed an old camping mattress and I started sleeping on the living room floor. At first, it was a relief just not to have the snoring.

But soon, I felt resentful. The living room floor was not comfortable. I began to get pains in my hips from sleeping on the thin camp mattress. I started to say to DH I wanted to look at different solutions. He wouldn't engage.

Not only that, but he made me feel really shitty about it by huffing and eye rolling if I suggested I didn't like the camping mattress arrangement. He would do things that wound me up, probably out of proportion, like when I had set my bed up for the evening, sitting in his chair and propping his feet up on my pillow.

This went on for 15 months before I massively lost it with him and told him he HAD to swap sometimes so I could sleep in a normal bed or I'd leave.

Now, we are in a different house. I have my own room (which DH didn't like) with a normal bed. But I can't get this period of our relationship out of my head. I feel it has shown me that DH deep down does not care about my needs and I cannot rely on him.

How would you feel? Am I over-dramatic? I'm feeling really raw right so if you think I'm wrong, please be nice.

OP posts:
Typicalwave · 07/09/2025 13:16

No. You’re not being over dramatic

Original poster
JimCharke · 07/09/2025 13:18

@mugglewump yes I think you are right! But then, how can you address these things? If just raising it makes him get defensive, how can I discuss?

I'll freely admit after months I probably became a bit of a harpy about it. I'm only human and did feel pretty desperate.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 07/09/2025 13:23

You are not to blame. And you don’t need his agreement or consent to leave.

Take a brief while to reflect. You are young enough to rebuild your life. And you are old enough to realize that life is short. A good dh would never—WOULD NEVER—have treated you this way. You deserve a good dh. Snd no dh is better than the one you’ve got.

ReacherOMGyes · 07/09/2025 13:25

JimCharke · 07/09/2025 13:18

@mugglewump yes I think you are right! But then, how can you address these things? If just raising it makes him get defensive, how can I discuss?

I'll freely admit after months I probably became a bit of a harpy about it. I'm only human and did feel pretty desperate.

You didn't become a harpy OP, you became a sleep deprived person trying to keep it together whilst realising you were married to an ass hole.

Re-frame this completely, he's totally in the wrong. A decent partner comes up with solutions to issues that effect the other not make the matter even worse.

You don't need to engage with him, he's a selfish twat and no matter what you say you'll be in the wrong in his eyes. Get them ducks lined up and free yourself

AAudreyHorne · 07/09/2025 13:30

He has shown you who he really is and how much you, and your needs, matter to him.
He completely disregarded any potential solutions to his snoring because you had solved the problem.
He didn't give a shit that you spent a year and a half sleeping on a camping mattress on the living room floor .... say that out loud to yourself as if your best friend was telling you that was how they had been treated ... its fucking appalling.
What a self centred wanker.

Itiswhysofew · 07/09/2025 13:31

That's awful OP. 15 months?! He's been really disrespectful and mean towards you.

Has he heard his snoring? Tell him you'll record him, just so he realises how loud it is.

What are you going to do?

DP sometimes snores, I wake him and he always offers to go to another room.

Hadalifeonce · 07/09/2025 13:31

My DH used to snore, sometimes very loudly. I didn't like to 'do' anything, but did mention it in the mornings.
He told me if his snoring woke me up to wake him up to let him know. Sometimes he would move into the spare room if it went on for a few nights.

That's what a loving DH should do, not basically tell you to suck it up.

ChampagneRose · 07/09/2025 13:44

This happened to me and I divorced him. I put snoring as the top reason and the lawyers told me it wasn’t a good enough reason (this was about 15 years ago) but it killed our relationship as I felt it showed how little dp cared for me and my feelings.

I look back and I do regret not giving him another chance but it totally killed our relationship and my feelings for him

LarrySherbert · 07/09/2025 13:45

Why was he ok with you sleeping on the living room floor but not happy about you having your own bedroom?

ChampagneRose · 07/09/2025 13:47

So yes I get it, I totally get how it’s made you feel - I honestly think it’s very hard to recover from it

Original poster
JimCharke · 07/09/2025 13:52

@LarrySherbert he says, because the bedroom feels permanent and the camping set up was only temp. And he hoped I'd come back. To which my response would be, well why not make it possible by addressing the snoring?!

@ChampagneRose yes that is it. I guess, it's "just" snoring. On the face of it. But it feels instinctively like so much more.

If I raise it now, he will claim in retrospect that he thought it was helpful to "just leave me to it" as I would get better sleep downstairs than with him. I honestly find that kind of gaslighty.

OP posts:
BusyExpert · 07/09/2025 13:56

He has behaved appallingly and it indicative of his underlying nature my husband snores, not loudly, but it is very irritating
I say “you are snoring lay on your side”and he sleepily says sorry babe and turns over
he can be grumpy during the day but I have always believed that someone’s true nature comes out when they are half asleep and their defenses are down and my husband is a kind man. He would also hate for us to be sleeping separately as would I.
I think you have some fundamental problems in your marriage, counselling may help

Endofyear · 07/09/2025 14:04

It's not the snoring per se but the lack of concern and care for you and your wellbeing that is the problem. If it shows up in other areas of your relationship, I'd seriously consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who shows such little care for you.

As an aside, untreated sleep apnea can lead to severe health problems such as heart attacks, stroke, high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. Your DH would be wise to try the cpap machine, my son uses one and sleeps much better for it.

pinkorchid1 · 07/09/2025 14:10

It does show a complete lack of respect for you. After I was complaining about my DP about his snoring for a while, he took it upon himself to use a sleeping app to record himself. He was quite shocked when he heard how bad it was and took steps to try and improve it. Ultimately we now sleep in separate rooms and both get a decent night’s sleep!

CharmCharmCharm · 07/09/2025 14:14

It sounds like he didn’t understand how badly it was affecting you and thinks you were making a fuss and being dramatic. My DH snores quite badly and it doesn’t bother me at all because I’m so used to it but I completely get how unbearable life would be if it did. He probably doesn’t like sleeping separately but if he won’t take medication there is no other alternative. I’d say he wasn’t sympathetic at the time but the situation is resolved now with the new house so try and let it go if you can.

Bathingforest · 07/09/2025 14:23

I absolutely understand you. I cannot sleep around snoring and also if don't get enough sleep which for me has to be at least 8 or even 9h, I go so exhausted that literally fall down..

Daisydoesnt · 07/09/2025 14:27

JimCharke · 07/09/2025 13:52

@LarrySherbert he says, because the bedroom feels permanent and the camping set up was only temp. And he hoped I'd come back. To which my response would be, well why not make it possible by addressing the snoring?!

@ChampagneRose yes that is it. I guess, it's "just" snoring. On the face of it. But it feels instinctively like so much more.

If I raise it now, he will claim in retrospect that he thought it was helpful to "just leave me to it" as I would get better sleep downstairs than with him. I honestly find that kind of gaslighty.

OP I’m so saddened reading your posts. My DH is a bit of a snorer at times (he has shoulder problems, so sometimes can only sleep on his back). He takes himself off to the spare room though, or says wake me up and I’ll roll over if I’m making a racket. That’s what a normal loving partner does.

Im amazed your DH’s behaviour over the past years - not his snoring, mind - hasn’t completely killed your love for him?

Shitmonger · 07/09/2025 14:53

No decent man would allow his wife to go sleep on the floor because of his snoring. That alone is completely indicative of his character and the fact that he views himself as more important than you (and probably than all women).

What you do is up to you. I wouldn’t tolerate it.

Out of curiosity, was the sudden start of this snoring due to weight gain or increased drinking? Or both?

Nevereatcardboard · 07/09/2025 15:28

It’s the contempt he showed towards you that is making you feel this way. My first marriage ended because once I saw that look on his face, I knew I could never be intimate or share a bedroom with him again. Do you want to stay married to someone who doesn’t care about your well-being?

Original poster
JimCharke · 07/09/2025 15:42

@CharmCharmCharm I think you are right, he thinks I should just get over it - but somehow I just can't. I made this post because I wanted to figure out why. It sort of... sticks in my throat I guess.

@Shitmonger no neither. He is a tiny bit overweight but more like BMI 24/5 on a skinny frame iyswim. Almost certainly not clinically overweight. He doesn't drink. He has always snored, but it used to be that he could roll onto one side and it'd stop. Not now. It's loud and goes on. Also, I've changed. I used to sleep like a log, but like many middle aged women I find it harder to sleep. If I'm woken at say 2am, I might lose 2h of sleep or more. I get up around 5-5.30 most days, and I would like awake desperately trying to sleep through the noise and feeling frantic and tearful as I knew my alarm was going off in 90 mins... 75 mins... 50 mins... and I'd have another day with a pounding headache, getting by on black coffee and gritted teeth. Once I really did start crying, which sounds pathetic but I was desperate.. he woke up and asked me if I was okay
I said, honestly, no. He said "oh" and went back to sleep.
It's stuff like that I can't get past.

OP posts:
Whatachliche · 07/09/2025 15:57

He sounds like my ex husband, and since our divorce I remember more and more occasions where his wants and needs were firmly placed over mine. I bet it would be the same for you, these kind of men enjoy being dominant in small everyday ways that feel slightly off, but never quite enough to walk away from the relationship…their gaslighting also keeps you in your place.
Imagine being with him when you need care - absolutely horrendous I bet.
I wouldn’t stay with a man like that ever again.

EmptyHandles · 07/09/2025 16:06

He sounds like my ex too @Whatachliche . He tried telling me he was hard done by and I was awful because I wouldn't stay in the same room and lie awake all night listening to his snoring. Different words but that's exactly what he meant. Prick.

What's he like on your birthdays @JimCharke ?

whatwouldlilacerullodo · 07/09/2025 16:09

He treated you like shit, and now you know he doesn't care about you, and that you can't count on him. That's why you can't get it out of your head, and you're right.

pinkbackground · 07/09/2025 16:11

I’d struggle to get past his selfishness.

WoahThreeAces · 07/09/2025 16:24

The way he has acted is awful, OP, but when people talk about going to the GP etc - is there actually anything they can do? My DH and I haven't shared a bedroom in years because his snoring is so awful, and doctors just can't / won't help. He was tested for sleep apnea and because he doesn't have it, theres no further help. We've spent a fortune on "cures", none of which work.
My DH will always take the less comfy bed, sleeps on the sofa on holiday etc, but it's all quite shit really.