AIBU - is my MIL wrong or am I?

[Bella6761]

Okay so for context both me and hubby are from a south Asian background - so our culture might influence the way we r.
So recently my sister in law got married, so my MIL went to the jewellers to get gifts for her, she went with her other 2 daughters. When she was there buying gifts for the SIL getting married she also brought something each for the other daughter. I said to my husband she could have got
somerhinf for me and my other sister in law ( also a DIL) to which he went off on one started calling me jealous saying I always want stuff and that I shouldn’t talk about his mum and she can buy for her daughters if she wants.
I told him I’m not saying anything rude, I’m simply saying that I feel like she could have got something for us aswell, doesn’t have to be on the same value but a little
somethinf too. Bear in mind, in all events it’s me and the other DIL doing everything and running round not the actual daughter. And for this specific event, I sorted out the make up artists, hair stylist, etc, all last minute for them.
I then said to my husband ok your saying for her daughters but what about our daughter ( the only grand daughter ) something for her at least and he said he isn’t upset so why am I.
idk maybe im wrong? But I just think I treat her like a mother I go above and beyond and to feel like she doesn’t treat me like a daughter makes me upset and wonder why they expect so much of
me.
even for my wedding she didn’t contribute financially, I ended up selling my gold to help pay for
the half my husband was putting it, she didn’t buy me clothes or anything which she explicitly expected her daughters in laws to buy. And also expected them to pay for everything. So I’m left feeling sort of disrespected or
like I don’t have value ?
idk

Sorry I'm with your husband here.

If she wants to treat her daughters she's entitled to do that without having to treat everyone.

YABU. Sounds like you just don’t like her and are looking for an excuse to be offended. Of course she can buy something for her daughters and not her DIL’s. You sound grabby as fuck. If anyone has reason to be offended it’s your husband and his brother (assuming the other DIL isn’t married to one of his sisters) if their mum bought their siblings gifts but not them.

Also with your DH. You're not her DD.

I love my son in law dearly, but he will never be on the same level as my own sons. I do treat him equally but, unless he was on a shopping trip with me in person, which has never happened, I don't think I'd buy him something to make it equal. That said, sometimes I have bought the odd thing for him if I see something I know he'd love.

You are entitled to be upset if you feel that MIL doesn’t appreciate you and never do anything nice to you. And you are entitled to moan to your DH about it.
However her buying something for her daughters is not relevant at all.

YABU. I wouldn’t expect my mil to get me anything in this instance, even if I do things for her & had to pay towards my own wedding. Although I do acknowledge that I don’t fully understand the south Asian cultural norms. Is buying for DIL’s in this sort of situation the done thing op?

YABU

YABVU

Your her DIL not her daughter. Why on earth should she treat you the same.

Im with your husband

YABU and grabby.

No I understand you having to sell your gold for your own wedding would make me feel quite sensitive to any perceived slight

And I do think your daughter should have been gifted actually I think you should have been too considering how helpful you have been maybe next time don't be so helpful

YABU but you need to stop doing all the stuff.

I understand.
learn from my experience do what you want but you will always be an outsider. Stop running around. Stop being a “good” dil, it will get you nowhere.
in many families in the south Asian culture we are expected to act like a daughter but get treated like a servant. Drop that rope.

Leave the organising of events and the running around to MIL's own daughters. Why do you and the other DIL have to do this? Is it expected in your culture that DILs have to help and support their MILs? If so, it sounds as though your MIL is picking and choosing which traditions she follows. If there is a cultural expectation that your husband's side contribute to the wedding, but they didn't, I'd ask him why not.

Totally agree with the above. You can only control what you do. You run Yourself into the ground and get no respect from your mil or, it seems your husband for it, so just don't do it. Do the bare minimum if you have to. I am from a S Asian background but don't have an Asian mil. Mine gets me better gifts than she does her DS so my experience is from my mum and GM's toxic relationship but running around after them is going nowhere.

Selling your gold would have been very painful. However, one might suggest it’s a personal investment in your marriage. I hope very much that you are able to slowly replace it.

However, if you do work for MIL in the future, do it with the adage “no good deed goes unpunished “ and it will help you keep perspective and decide where your assistance stops.

Stop running around and being a mug for starters. I’m from a South Asian background and it pisses me off how women in 2025 in the Uk still act like slaves for their in laws

Secondly, stop being so greedy over wanting gold of all things. Have you any idea how expensive Asian gold is now? I’m with your DH. They are her daughters.

Stop bending over backwards and then getting upset because you’re not being given the same in return.

thanks guys for all your responses
to the poster who asked if it would be culturally normal it would be yes,
and to the one who said about wanting gold, it’s genuinely not that I wanted gold i just felt that we could have been given something too, didn’t have to be gold but a small something, as ir was given to the other daughters due to one getting married it wasnt just a random buying for them if that makes sense.

and within the south Asian culture in these situations you would buy, I certainly am not looking for an excuse to be annoyed with MIL as I prefer to get along with everyone and even with this would never act on how I’m feeling, besides maybe just expecting less. It’s just the case of from being in the family I see how she excepts her daughters to be treated for example, she said to future son in law, make sure you have gold for my daughter before you get married and brought her clothes ( culture tradition from South Asia ), but for me when I married her son, she didn’t do any of that for me if that makes sense, so I feel like she just wants it for her own daughters but didn’t think I should have for that?

idk maybe you guys r right and I’m wrong, at least I have some perspective
from outsiders so thanks guys x

Do they? I certainly don’t act like a slave for mine, and I don’t know any others (UK) who don’t either.

You really have to be aware that MN is in not representative of the real world and is a really bizarre place to be sometimes. You can’t assume that what people say on here is entirely true of the real world. It really isn’t!

YABU and grabby.
They're her daughters.
You and SIL aren't.
Stop helping so much if you feel help should be rewarded with gifts.

OP do you have family? Why didnt they make sure you were treated properly when you married? Why did you have to sell all your stuff to pay for the wedding?

YANBU.
But also she’s NBU. I think the issue is, I imagine she wants you to act like a dd, but then when it comes down to it, and how it suits her, she doesn’t want to treat you like a DD.
I think your DH is being unreasonable for getting so angry. I think you should just take this as a clear message about how MIL sees you. And that’s fine, she doesn’t have to see you as a daughter, but you can be hurt by that and also you can take that message going forward when she wants things from you.

The people saying about you being grabby and expecting to be rewarded with gifts are presumably being purposely dense.
it’s not the gift itself, it’s that it’s a clear signal she does not see you as a daughter. She has that right, but it doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful particularly if she has expected you to act certain ways.

I don’t think you’re wrong. I think your MIL could easily have recognised your help with the wedding by giving you a gift.

I wouldn’t be putting myself out to help any more - I’d just tell her that you’re busy and her daughters can sort out all the family events from now on, since you exhausted yourself on her DD’s wedding and you are not sure that help was wanted or appreciated, you’d rather step back.

Im from an Indian background and I would definitely be upset too, so you have my sympathies. You are expected to act like a daughter in the family and make the appropriate sacrifices, yet your MIL won't reciprocate. In my extended family DILs woukd be treated the same.

You sold your gold to help them!

I personally couldn't stay in such a family, and your husband doesn't seem supportive in the least. I'd just keep my interaction with them to a minimum, be civil but don't go out of your way in helping with anything.

It sounds like you resent all the work you're putting in for your (husband's) family. You do more than a fair share AND are not thanked/appreciated for it? A gift like your SILs received, even something smaller, would have been one way for MIL to acknowledge your contribution and show that she appreciates it. If it's traditional in your culture to buy these kinds of gifts for family members helping out with a wedding, it feels like a slight that she skipped some family members who helped a lot. I would say that perhaps she expects your parents to be treating you the way she treats her daughters, so she doesn't have to. But I also see a contradiction in her telling her daughter's fiancé that he should be giving his wife-to-be gold - by that logic, why didn't she expect her son to provide for your wedding?

You could stop contributing so much. Just say you can't right up front. I know it's probably not that simple - perhaps you want to contribute AND to be appreciated and thanked - but you can only control your own behaviour and continuing to hope for thanks you're not getting will make you increasingly bitter over time. Unresolved resentment may also be making you pull in things to your argument that aren't directly related - e.g., having to pay for your own wedding, or MIL's relationship with your daughter.

Also, I wouldn't be thrilled that your husband called you jealous and said you always want things. I can understand his wanting to defend his mother and feeling like you're being unfair to expect a specific gift, but it also sounds like he doesn't understand what's really upsetting you and is automatically blaming you without bothering to find out. It's hard to tell if you're communicating clearly and he's ignoring/blocking you, or if you haven't communicated clearly but it would probably be worth it to try again to let him know why you feel hurt/taken for granted.

This was my question too. I have many SE Asian friends and have never known either bride or groom to pay for the wedding - the parents come to an agreement about what is settled on the couple / paid for as part of the wedding. Admittedly on occasions, with a more "westernised" couple the wedding may be something bride and groom arrange, but that is still not all that common, and doesn't sound like the case here.

Your MIL's job is to look after the interests of her daughters when the marry - why didn't your parents do the same for you? In the end I would expect that gifts of gold etc would come from your husband, not the MIL. What you do or don't do for your husbands mother or family is not relevant to that.

Based on what I know of SE Asian culture, it feels like there's something missing here.