AIBU - is my MIL wrong or am I?

[Bella6761]

Okay so for context both me and hubby are from a south Asian background - so our culture might influence the way we r.
So recently my sister in law got married, so my MIL went to the jewellers to get gifts for her, she went with her other 2 daughters. When she was there buying gifts for the SIL getting married she also brought something each for the other daughter. I said to my husband she could have got
somerhinf for me and my other sister in law ( also a DIL) to which he went off on one started calling me jealous saying I always want stuff and that I shouldn’t talk about his mum and she can buy for her daughters if she wants.
I told him I’m not saying anything rude, I’m simply saying that I feel like she could have got something for us aswell, doesn’t have to be on the same value but a little
somethinf too. Bear in mind, in all events it’s me and the other DIL doing everything and running round not the actual daughter. And for this specific event, I sorted out the make up artists, hair stylist, etc, all last minute for them.
I then said to my husband ok your saying for her daughters but what about our daughter ( the only grand daughter ) something for her at least and he said he isn’t upset so why am I.
idk maybe im wrong? But I just think I treat her like a mother I go above and beyond and to feel like she doesn’t treat me like a daughter makes me upset and wonder why they expect so much of
me.
even for my wedding she didn’t contribute financially, I ended up selling my gold to help pay for
the half my husband was putting it, she didn’t buy me clothes or anything which she explicitly expected her daughters in laws to buy. And also expected them to pay for everything. So I’m left feeling sort of disrespected or
like I don’t have value ?
idk

Oh op, im from the same background. Im surprised you haven't realised that you are a daughter when it suits them, and not in the family when it suits them.
This is how it is.

My apologies I should have been a little more specific - I mean SOME south Asian women in the UK, not all.

i still see it’s prevalence within the community. Though you are right, a part of me thinks this post is almost made up as it’s hard to believe some of the stuff people post on here

Because she isn't her daughter?!

I don't imagine she sees her as a double decker bus for the same reason 😳

She's allowed to treat her own daughters without having to treat everyone.

@SirHumphreyRocks ans @RainbowBagels
my famitLy Did pay and also buy me all gold and clothes so I’m not missing out for my side, my family did not like my husband or his family and did not want me to marry him, obv in the end they said it’s up to me and I did marry him. His family didn’t put anything in or plan the wedding. Me and my family did it all, he was expected to pay from his side his mum didn’t offer or say she would maybe idk. But as he didn’t have enough to pay half towards, that’s what it was with that tbh they are not like typical SE families, well I assumed they weren’t and my MIL just didn’t assimilate with the customs but now 2 of her daughters have got married and she’s very much expected and wanted all the things she didn’t do for me from her daughters in laws.
so I guess that’s where my resentfulness comes from.
and @Rorys thank you for understanding, that’s exactly it, it’s that I’m expected to be a daughter but not act treated like one
but like a few of you have said
lesson learnt and to take forward

I see it both ways. My MIL treats me the same as her two DDs, we invite her dinner once a week - DH collects her but I do the cooking. But despite that I think it would be reasonable for her to buy jewellery for her DDs and not for me.

I agree that what you put into the family relationship should be up to you.

But for the rest, based on what you have said this was a love match which neither family wanted. Yours relented, but his didn't - they knew your family didn't like them or approve of the match. Even outside the SE Asian culture that would cause great tension.

It's an often overused phrase here, but I think your problem here isn't your MIL. You have a husband problem. I still don't think it is reasonable for you to expect her to buy you jewellery as she would her daughters. But your husband allowed you to sell your gold to marry him rather than him tackle his family. To be honest, and you shouldn't need me to tell you this, he allowed you to marry in a "shameful" way. If you had equally funded your marriage, in traditional culture, you are to be respected. That didn't happen. Frankly he is pathetic. He brought nothing to the marriage, he never stood up for you then, or now. But traditionally that reflects on you. It shouldn't, but it does. Add that MIL knows your parents don't like her or her family, and you have a bad situation. I doubt she's a bad person. But your husband should never have allowed this to develop as it has and he'sthe best place to fix it. If he doesn't show his respect for you, his family won't either.

But op is expected to act like a daughter
and as pp are saying culturally it is expected that she would receive a gift as a daughter/helper.

so op is finding it unfair that she is expected to act and serve like a daughter but is not treated with the same acknowledgments as a daughter, surely you can see that? Op is obviously aware the woman didn’t birth her.

I’m South Asian and if my mil had bought a gift for all of her daughters, she would certainly have bought something for me too. I would have found it very hurtful and strange if she hadn’t. She calls me her daughter and does treat me as such.

My mum would never buy a present for me and my sisters and leave my sil out, she is like another sister to us and Alhamdulillah we all get along really well. In fact I’d say my mum buys more gifts for my sil than she does for us but none of us mind that.

It does feel like a slight snub to me, OP, especially as you said you help out a lot. It wouldn’t have hurt her to buy something small for you and your other sil.

YABU. Don’t expect gifts.
stop doing all that stuff. It’s shouldn’t be linked to gifts

But with respect - did you also sell your possessions/dowry to fund the wedding for your husband to be? Because her husband allowed her to do that rather than tackle his own family about their refusal to contribute towards the marriage.

a lot of people here won’t get the culture at all. I do, I married into and after 10 years of it I get you. I think it’s just a way of showing kindness and affection. It’s treating you all as one and she’s not. Especially if you’re she’s not done traditional things like buying outfits for you or contributing to the wedding. So i get it speaks very volumes to you. That’s more what it’s about etc

How odd. When my Mil gets my DH or her niece a gift I don't expect to get anything? Why should I?

I think you sound very entitled and it's making you unhappy and it's not becoming. If you were my daughter/sister I would be very embarrassed for you.

YABVU. You sound very grabby and entitled. And obviously jealous of not being included, when it's really nothing to do with you who your MIL buys jewellery for!
Leave them to their business and you concentrate on yours!

Hi I can understand how you feel. I think you need to show yourself more respect in front of her Don't run around after her. Don't run her errands. Just keep your dignity and try to develop a little distance ftom your MIL without being rude. Do you have your own family who can support you a bit?

Wtaf is wrong with all these grabby , selfish posts on mumsnet tonight

You sound grabby OP.

Culture or not, it depends on personal relationships, what she can afford and what she wants to spend her money on.

I married an Indian and people on here are massively dismissive of cultural norms to the point of racism in calling you grabby.

what happened at your wedding is extremely odd, those in-laws would be pariahs in the community for not participating in the traditional gifts to a new daughter in law.

when I married, family gold was used to have something made for me, as is tradition. When my nieces married, they had the same.

everyone is given clothes, to the point of insanity, it makes Christmas gifts look like a few trinkets.

you are not grabby, and I expect you are still deeply hurt that you missed out on so many cultural aspects of your wedding.

It’s just step back time I think ‘oh I’d love to help but I’m too busy’ and step away. No more running around doing stuff. And if your husband notices you say you were right. She has her daughters. And I’m so much more relaxed now I’m not running around doing all
this stuff for her knowing she won’t appreciate it, so win win.
im not sure about your dh. I wonder if your family were onto something when they didn’t want you to marry him. If he expects you to work hard helping out his mum while her daughters don’t, and to also not expect her to value you at all, then step back from him too. Role modelling to your dd is far more
important than pandering to an entitled man.

She bought her children a gift. Absolutely fine and perfectly normal

Those of you who are just being plain rude - wtaf.. I’ve realized Mumsnetters are a bunch of arsey people these days, besides a good little bunch
i asked if I’m being unreasonable to get clarity.. sometimes we are more emotional than needed. I’m recently postpartum and on my periods so you know… whole reason I posted was for clarity, idm being told I’m unreasonable but those of you who are just being plain rude please do me a favour and bug off

anywho thank you to all you lovely lot for the advice and especially those who can understand me and what I’m saying - it wasn’t at all about the gift,and to @lunar1 i think you are probably right I may be holding on to some resentment

also just to add clarity - my family never once gave the impression to him or his family that they didn’t like him - they simply said they don’t think our personalities align, MIL and my mum have a good relationship, me and MIL have a good relationship.

a few of you have said that I should question why my husband never stuck up for me and tbh I’ve never thought about it in that way before, he just simply said that his mum expected them to pay for their own weddings. At the time I thought that is the wh she is and I’m not going to try and shit on a person and how they r. But obv now being in the familty I’ve seen how she is and what she’s expected for her own daughters. And ensured that she’s gotten from her daughters IN LAWS not just husband.
So that’s where my issue comes from.
i think it’s more than just that isolated gift

She doesn’t have to buy anything for anyone she doesn’t choose to. Also daughters and DIL are not the same thing.

Bear in mind, in all events it’s me and the other DIL doing everything and running round not the actual daughter.

Time to stop doing that then. He actually daughter (multiple?) can do all the work instead.

Just responding to your first paragraph as I haven’t read this thread inf detail but personally I have noticed MN replies getting more and more rude and aggy unnecessarily recently. I don’t know why and it’s not needed.

But she’s not a daughter. The issue is that the op feels resentful as she did stuff. Stop doing the stuff that makes you resentful.

@choccychipcookies1988 100% and there is no need as you said. We are meant to be supporting one another lol, being kind and guiding. Not tearing each other apart. Like that one PP who said they would be embarrassed of me.

& yes to those who advised to take a step back I will hopefully be doing that, I just hope it doesn’t cause issues between me and DH as in he will say I’m just being ‘petty and malicious ‘