When is enough enough?

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Just curious of people's opinions.
I don't really have anyone to talk to about this so all advice/opinions welcomed.
To cut a long story short there have been niggles in my relationship that I've pushed back and pushed back. We often argue over silly things but the small arguments can turn in to blazing rows.(More often when my partner has been drinking)
The initial point of the argument is lost and it all comes back to the same row where I'm told..... I'm nothing, I have nothing and I never will and That he goes to work so I can "sit on my arse all day doing f* all"

I'm told he's the reason I have anything in life and I'm nothing without him. His exact words are you're nothing but a fat ugly free loader.

Now I will say the nasty comments are worse when he's drunk but conversation is the same regardless.
Sometimes I fear I'm staying because I feel sorry for my kids and the thought of what our future would look like without him, and I question whether it's easier to just stay.
Then other times like straight after a row I'm ready to leave, but come the next day when the dust has settled if you like I'm left questioning if I'm just being silly.

My partner usually wakes up and goes on as if nothing has happened and when I bring it up he just says brushes it off as nothing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is if there's anyone who is in the same situation or has been. What was your breaking point/wake up call when you decided enough is enough, and did you stay and find a resolution, or did you go your separate ways??

He’s a pig and I’m sorry he’s doing this

drunk words are sober truths

🩷

I couldn't live with someone who got drunk. My father got drunk in the evenings when we were growing up and used to say the most horrible things. As an adult, I realised he was in blackout and doesn't remember any of the abuse. Could it be your partner doesn't remember what he says?

Are you working? If you can, get out of this situation. Living with someone drinking and abusing you is unsafe and will wreck any self esteem you have left.

Leave with nothing as he says amd build up a beautiful life for you and your kids. He is abusive and you deserve more

I'm sorry OP but it sounds as though he actually despises you.
I don't understand how you are still in this relationship after he has said these absolutely appalling things to you. And that's without even talking about the fact he is a drunk.
What on earth is this teaching your children about relationships?
If I were you I would be taking steps to leave.

I'm trying really hard not to come across as poor old me or that I'm playing the victim as I'm so aware there are many people in far worse situations.
I feel trapped a little, financially I have nothing, when we first got together 10 years ago when I was 17 he'd always said i want to provide, come and live with me I dont want you to pay a penny I'll look after us, that sort of thing.
Now I feel foolish for almost not trying hard enough to be self sufficient all those years. I think I've relied on him too much.
We now have 2 beautiful children that I wouldn't change for the world, but I find myself thinking I dont have many options, and all I want to do is right by them.

I feel completely and utterly drained like nothing I do is good enough. If I say I've had a tough day with the kids, I'm told to get over myself and that other women get on with it. I'm constantly scalded if the house isn't tidy when he's home and told its my job to look after the kids/tidy etc because he works 7 days a week to allow me to stay at home.
I don't want to sound ungrateful because I know he provides for us but I just dont feel respected..sorry to go on a tangent. Basically I wouldn't know where to start when it comes to leaving?

You've been in this since you were quite young, so it's probably difficult to see what other possibilities there are for you. If your children are old enough to go to school / preschool, you could look for some work and start to put some money away for yourself. Not necessarily to leave, but just as something for you. Or, you could start some study or training in an area that interests you, that may lead to work. Is your partner older than you?

I definitely think this is him, he either pretends he doesn't remember or he was genuinely that drunk he doesn't.
Either way I'm not sure what to think, I've been called so many names and he's said so many things like "ill smash your face in" or "i hope you die in a car crash" that I've almost become immune to it. I think I just make excuses for him because he's had a drink and the next day is just followed with you know i dont mean it.
I feel it's gone on so long now I'm not sure what's normal anymore

Yes, I'm fearful that he's right!!
that I've been with him so long I'd struggle!!
my son is 3 and daughter 10 months. I'm struggling at the moment but I do want to start earning again because since the kids I've been 100% relying on him.
Yes he's a little older he's 33

If he's drinking every night and going into rages like that, it sounds as though he has an addiction issue. Do you have family or close friends that you can talk to? It's no being disloyal to him to tell people what's happening. You need support.

I know you don't know me, but I just want to say clearly to you that his behaviour is abuse and you are not wrong in feeling this isn't ok. It's not ok for your children either. He's not a 'good man working hard so you can stay home'. He is an abuser who locked you into this at a young age and now has a lot of power over you because you don't have your own money or resources.

Didn't you work at all before you had kids? Id suggest going to work, or go and do some training. You need to be able to support yourself and improve your self esteem

Yes, I worked full time before I had kids (not a high paying job) and part-time in-between the 2 of them.
I feel slightly stuck between a rock and a hard place currently as both grandparents still work full time so aren't able to help and unfortunately even if I went back to work full time my wage would barely cover child care fees in order for me to go.
And he has point blank refused to help as he said he pays for enough.
I'm starting to think maybe finding a job working nights might be the best option for a while to try and build some money up.

The initial point of the argument is lost and it all comes back to the same row where I'm told..... I'm nothing, I have nothing and I never will and That he goes to work so I can "sit on my arse all day doing f all".... I'm told he's the reason I have anything in life and I'm nothing without him. His exact words are you're nothing but a fat ugly free loader.

I'm so, so sorry. None of this is anything close to OK, or anything like what a relationship should be.

He's not right if he's saying those horrible things like I wish you'd die etc. That's pure abuse. Your children are so little, that's tough!

Reaching out here is a start and over the next few months maybe start thinking of things you're interested in, something for you. The more other people you talk to and positive activities you're involved in outside of him will give you more perspective.

You're valuable to your children, you are their everything. Start to make your plans for a better life for you, but it will be a long term plan with children so young. Don't listen to him, he's talking dribble and is drunk. You are strong and you'll make a good life for yourself and your children.

How old is he now?
Sorry just seen your answer.
He was 23 and you were 17 when you got together.

Speak to your mum. They would probably help you. I would if it was my daughter. If that's not an option contact womans aid. You don't need to put up with this. Its domestic abuse. Coercive abuse is an offence. Doesnt matter if he's drunk. Good luck ❤️

Do not stay in a marriage just for the kids. My mum did that and it was hell. It impacted me massively as a child and into adulthood!
please work on a plan to leave, you are young and have the opportunity to change the course of yours, and your children’s lives.

He thinks he has you trapped, he doesn’t!

Could you speak to your parents? If this was my daughter in fifteen years time I’d have her and her kids back here in a heartbeat.

Contempt in a relationship is a very bad sign.

This is psychological abuse, with threats of physical abuse. If you stay, you are choosing this for yourself and your DC & believe me it will cause long term trauma for them as well as you. Please get legal advice and plan to leave. Don’t tell him; it will put you at risk.

This Is awful for you and the kids. He is being adusive. But knowledge is power. Without letting him know, take the next step. Book an appointment with a solicitor so that you will understand your financial situation when you are ready to split. If you are married, you will be entitled to at least half of everything (especially if you’ll be looking after your children). If you are not married you will still be entitled to help such as child support.

Good luck OP - you have done the right thing in recognising that this is wrong and coming on here for advice.

I agree. No one should live with someone who despises them. And your DC are learning that his appalling behaviour is acceptable.

Agree in speaking to your parents. You’d be entitled to benefits and social housing and could get back to work as you’d get help with childcare costs. You’re fortunate to live in a country where there is financial aid so it’s possible to leave. Hopefully your family would house you temporarily until you are housed. Don’t stay in this abusive relationship. You and the kids deserve better.

It’s not you, it’s him.

your first step is realising that he is a complete and utter abusive cunt.

your next step is to get your self and your children away from him, you need to leave FOR your children, not stay for them, there could be nothing worse for them than growing up watching their father abuse their mother.

your next step is to work out how to leave him. Do the maths. You are unfortunately not married so you don’t have any rights to his assets. (And anyone reading - do not have children with someone who says they will protect you and you should give up your job) . So you need to start amassing some money. Think about how. Maybe a side hustle. Don’t tell him. Maybe some child benefit money. In to a secret savings account. Don’t tell him.

look up what help you can get. Find out about the housing situation. You’re kids are young, you’re not tied to the area.

do it all stealthily, the knowledge you’re doing it will give you a secret hidden strength and smile.

Sorry, you are 10 months post-birth and your husband is calling you a fat freeloader?! That’s despicable and it’s abuse. You have worked in the past and contributed, both financially and domestically, to your life together. He doesn’t get to speak to you this way unless you continue to let him. Think about whether you want your daughter to think this is how a marriage should look, or whether you want your son to end up treating women this way. Speak to Women’s Aid. You’re being abused, and by extension, so are your children. None of you deserve that. He will be banking on the fact that he’s worn down your self-esteem so far that you won’t have the balls to leave. Prove him wrong.

When is enough, enough? When it makes you unhappy and you ask Mumsnet strangers for advice. Its over. Live a happy life away from this nob. Do it for your children not to have to see their dad acting this way