How do I get over this. Feel pathetic

[ThatAquaRobin]

In the great scheme of things this is nothing compared to what others ar going through. You can see the background via my old threads but I ended a relationship with someone I adored in early August.
We only dated for 2 and a bit months but he was my first since my divorce. (Ex H left 2021 and divorced 2023)
My recent ex was such a sweet damaged guy, not conventionally good looking, short and charismatic and charming. Turns out he is probably drinking way too much and I suspect has a coke habit. But functioning with work.
He lit me up all summer. Electric sex, sunny nights out, dancing and he adored me. Or seemed to. Love bombing really.
In the end I had to end it because my anxiety/nervous system was screaming at me.
I'm having counselling and was already on SSRI anyway.
I did have one date last weekend and I'd have seen him again but he didn't feel it with me. I've tried the apps again and was asked out twice for real life dates but I just cannot do it.
Nothing comes close to the excitement I felt.
I'm trying hard to wean myself off from checking my Ex bfs socials. I know that every time I do it, it prolongs the withdrawal.
I know it was wrong..I know he was an addict with avoidance.
But I wish he'd leave my headspace and I could move on.
Any tips?

Stop dating for a while until you're over this other guy.
You had a short, intense fling. Don't invest more to it than that.
Keep busy, get on with your life.

Yes I get that I need to stop dating. Definitely
It's the obsessive mind loops and checking online. Requires discipline I don't have.
All the pics and mementoes are gone and I don't have his number.

You talk of the red flags for your ex, but you’re also displaying some quite large red flags too. You’ll need to work on this before you attempt the dating scene again.

I hope that doesn’t sound harsh, certainly not meant that way.

I agree you’re not in the right headspace to date. You won’t make healthy choices and you could end up in another similar situation.
Take some time to heal and do things that make you happy. When you’re busy you have less time to ruminate over a man who wasn’t right did you. I found journaling helpful.

Can you point out the red flags? Interested...

I'm trying hard to wean myself off from checking my Ex bfs socials. I know that every time I do it, it prolongs the withdrawal.

It takes willpower. I was keen to hear bad news about my ex and his "amazing" new supply but I soon realised that anything about them at all, even just seeing his or her name, was detrimental to my wellbeing. He was abusive so my head was already fucked with all I had endured so I had to work hard at trying to fill it with other things so there was less room for him. Doing things for me and filling my life with things I enjoy and will benefit from.

@ThatAquaRobin it's probably the lovebombing that has you so hung up after such a short time. It's a tactic to hook you. It worked. Your anxiety/nervous system was trying to protect you - you listened to it - well done. Now you need to work that wee bit harder to further protect yourself.

If you feel the compulsion to look at his socials, wait half an hour. If you still feel the same after that half hour, wait another half hour. Or block yourself, if you can do such a thing. And go out and do other things. Go outside and look for plants through the alphabet, that kind of thing.

You really need to delete all dating apps, not think about dating at all on focus on yourself.

You can’t be in a happy and healthy relationship at this point in your life.

Go to therapy, read self help books, focus on making yourself the best version of yourself and then you can think about inviting someone into your life.

Yes journalling like crazy. I've filled pages and pages

Thankyou for 'getting it" and the tips.
Anything I can't reverse I can manage ok. Like getting rid of photos, playlists and knick-knacks.
Also deleted his number and any back ups.
It's anything that I can pick-at that trips me up. I've tried blocksite on my phone and PC. I just kept entering the password.
I'm trying to tell.myaelf that every time I resist checking, it starves the cycle. It's hard.

I’m not the only one seeing them, others are commenting on the things you need to do. I’m not saying you have red flags that need to be ran from or that can’t be helped. Red flags are usually a sign of some dysfunction, trauma or mental health issues in the person displaying them. They don’t make that person bad, but that they need some work before they date or become involved with others. Obviously some red flags are screaming and that person won’t work on their issues, most people just need a bit of time and help to get themselves sorted.

My DH and I split up a couple of years ago, some people told me to get straight back out there, but there’s no way I’d have been a good option for anyone. I recognised I wasn’t anywhere near ready and I’d have been a massive red flag. I’m not a bad person, but I had issues. As it happens DH and I are back together, we’re not living together though, not until my head is right.

Oh and journaling helps me massively, I have books and books of just regurgitating brain dump. When I’m ready I’ll shred them of burn them. I certainly don’t want to read them.

I know my issues. I have a childhood trust wound. My dad had affairs and I was the only one who knew (as a young teenager) and he died leaving a huge amount of debt that we only discovered when he died.
Also still damaged by the way my husband blindsided me leaving in 2021. We get on ok now and he's a good man as an ex. Supportive, pays his way etc.
So the red flags as I see it (from my side) are anxious attachment and hyper vigilance. I'll own those Hence the therapy.
This man presented himself so normally on his profile. He parented, he worked, he always texted and rang when he said he would. He cared. He didn't present the usual red flags. Admittedly I ignored the over effusiveness and affirmations he poured my way- like being on a pedestal. And the sex was addictive. Probably due to coke (not mine!!) in retrospect.

It is hard. You really, really have to make the effort not to re-enter that password. What about changing the password, to something you can't remember? Write it on a piece of paper and put it in a place that isn't easy to get to, somewhere you need to climb up to or at the back of a very full cupboard on the lowest shelf so you can't just reach in with ease.

And if you feel the pull of having a look, wait half an hour, if you still feel like having a look, decide you'll go and find the password after you've cleaned the windows. You'll get the picture. It really does take the effort not to do it, but it is worth it

Just so hard. Life feels grey.

A tip I was given was to only allow one timeslot a day when you are allowed to indulge thinking about them .
to begin with I still thought about them but some days I would miss my ‘allocated slot ‘ and overtime I just sort of didn’t anymore .
If they come into your head at any other time , you have to say no , I can think about them at 10am.
somehow it worked .

Just feeling crap because I ended up for good reasons but the end was messy and ambiguous and nobody else comes close.

He was exciting and probably the first person you felt something for after your divorce, that’s why it was so intense. Focus on yourself now and doing things that give you a natural high (exercise, seeing good friends, fun events etc). Get some new clothes and have your hair done, normal things to boost your self esteem’.
You did the right thing breaking up with him if he was doing drugs and drinking too much.
get some things in your diary to look forward to, avoid sad music etc and things will look up for you soon. When you feel better about yourself you will be ready to date again. It’s not your fault he turned out to not be the right person, you left when you realised the red flags, it’s just how it goes sometimes.

Thankyou.
He lit up my world and I loved him.

Just think of him like Fun Bobby off friends, without the drugs he’d be really boring!

I've had 3 therapy sessions now. Yesterday I spent the hour going through facts (things that really did happen and things he said/did) with her. I'd inputted it all to Brenda and Frank ( ChatGPT) but wanted to have a trained professional verify it too. I love AI but I'm wary of it because it can tell you what you want to hear and overly validate things it shouldn't.
Anyway.
Upshot is narcissistic abuse, manipulation gaslighting made worse by substances.
It bugs me that he gets to keep doing this to women in plain sight.

There is a great book with a audio hypnotic down load by paul mckenna
It's called i can mend your broken heart.
It's really good for these intense feelings and ive felt better after a couple of days.
Sometimes its because you feel it could of possibly worked.
You did really well to end this rather than carrying on hoping It will change .
Not sure if you like to exercise or walk but I always feel like a different head space after doing this
Definitely drop the dating and consider cbt. Ive done talking therapy and it didn't help me but cbt did x

It bugs me that he gets to keep doing this to women in plain sight.

That's what bothers me too. We can learn from what we've been through, protect ourselves in the future and try and help others with our knowledge. But these men just move on to the next one, usually with overlaps, and never even consider what the common denominator might be in their 'poor me' narrative, let alone make any effort to work on themselves.

It's understandable I suppose; it's their weakness that makes them behave the way they do so they're hardly going to have the strength to consider they might be less than perfect. Deep down they know, but they'll shout and bluster till the end of their time rather than face reality.

And in their wake they leave destruction, but from rubble, to misquote Freya Riding, grow castles 💪❤

Most women have been here OP. You will get over him and meet someone without the issues who will suit you better xx

In my immediate post break up madness I texted his ex for some clarity. Not proud of it but we had a lovely chat. Mainly I wanted to ask her if she's ever seen him using (coke) She had. All she told me he was still messaging her after id slept with him twice!

6 -7 days after I dumped him he's back with another ex from 2024.

I don't bear the one he's with now any malice and I won't be contacting her because I'm not unhinged. But it makes me so mad he gets to continue this adoration, devalue and discard cycle. I got rid before the inevitable discard but he still somehow seemed to make me feel it was all my fault

Ah OP I had one like this two years ago. I ended things because same- my nervous system felt like it had been fried. 6 months in total and I still think about him now.
As you know now, addicts can be fantastically charismatic. I can’t prove it definitely but my ex I’m sure was taking all kinds of drugs, it was never too early for him to drink, sexually I wouldn’t be surprised if he was bi and held down an incredibly responsible job.
One scab I kept seeing of his was he actually had no empathy. Not for animals, his son, his mum. No one. He was intelligent so could play by societies rules but there was a big hole in him.
For me, because I’ve never met anyone like that before or since, he stays with me.
Be proud of yourself for eventually tuning in and trusting your gut. I’ve no doubt in my mind that he probably would have ruined your life given enough time.
it helped me realise that I probably hadn’t received enough ‘spotlight’ as a child and young adult, so I’m making more effort now to shine a bit myself ☺️ good luck OP, I think you’re doing all the right things