I’ve been with my partner for over a decade, and we have a young child together. From the outside, our life looks fairly stable but there have been incidents with my partner over the years that I’ve tried to rationalise or minimise, including:
Lack of care/empathy towards me.
For example, he refused to drive me to A&E or accompany me there during a cardiac scare last year, despite being able to do so (it was a Sunday and we were both relaxing at home with our child). I ended up driving myself there alone feeling quite unloved. For context I am not someone who seeks unnecessary medical care.
His lack of empathy/dismissiveness is evident in more subtle day to day actions too although I always chalked it up to him being more avoidant in his attachment style. E.g, even when we were first dating he'd always walk on ahead of me when we were in public, dismissed my feelings at times, and has ignored me for hours when we were out with friends etc.
Potential verbal/emotional abuse:
During a recent conversation where I had expressed that I was unhappy in our relationship and that I was considering separation, he called me a "terrible mother," and said I have "no personality,". He’s previously criticised my personality and appearance/choice of clothes. He’s said I’m "not normal" due to mental health struggles. and claimed therapy is useless for me as I will “never change”. He has not sought therapy himself.
Controlling/intimidating behaviour:
Incidents include physically intimidating behaviour on an isolated occasion while I was heavily pregnant, driving aggressively/too fast when annoyed with me and more recently slamming my laptop shut aggressively while I was using it (I think he felt he was losing control as I had talked about separation earlier that day and he knows I need my laptop for work).
Dismissal/denial:
He frequently denies or dismisses events I recall, then quickly wants to move on, accusing me of misunderstanding or not forgiving him/moving on fast enough
Financial control:
At points he has restricted my access to joint savings while I was left with most daily and childcare costs, leading to me having debts I cannot currently repay (although looking back I should have stood up for myself and not gone into debt trying to manage). He’s been very critical of me about this and told me I ‘deserve to pay’ for this although he later denied ever saying that.
He has also at times claimed that our jointly-owned house is “his” and claims to have "bought" items for me when actually the money was from joint funds. I think he sees the money in our savings as his, as a significant amount was gifted to us by relatives on his side of the family (who explicitly said the money was for us both, not just him).
He doesn’t identify any of his behaviour as abusive or controlling, and even seems genuinely confused by my feelings when I’ve tried to share my perspective. He is currently trying to show me that we can make our relationship work and overall he has been much more thoughtful and considerate recently. But his unpredictable nature concerns me…will this change last? He can also be helpful and caring and is generally a good Dad and reliable day to day.
I don’t want to break up our family as we have a young child but I don’t see how I will ever truly trust him again on an emotional level. Even if he has truly changed. Sometimes
I feel like I don’t truly know him which is strange after being together so long.
I’m really sad that he’s acted in these hurtful ways as if the safety and respect were there I think we could have worked through any relationship challenges we have.
I am at a crossroads and feeling like I’ve messed up my life. I have zero money and few friends right now (none nearby). I cannot turn to my own family for help for complex and multiple reasons. I’m also dealing with some health issues that makes finding consistent income challenging and our child is quite high needs and requires a lot of attention and care although she is in school now.
I feel so confused as sometimes he seems kind and reasonable and like a good person. I start to wonder if I’m misinterpreting his actions and behaviour and believing he’s being cruel or cold when he isn’t.
Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after relationship issues like these? I’d welcome your honest opinions and advice on my situation.