Would you stay or leave if you were in my situation?

[prettytoxic]

I’ve been with my partner for over a decade, and we have a young child together. From the outside, our life looks fairly stable but there have been incidents with my partner over the years that I’ve tried to rationalise or minimise, including:

Lack of care/empathy towards me.
For example, he refused to drive me to A&E or accompany me there during a cardiac scare last year, despite being able to do so (it was a Sunday and we were both relaxing at home with our child). I ended up driving myself there alone feeling quite unloved. For context I am not someone who seeks unnecessary medical care.

His lack of empathy/dismissiveness is evident in more subtle day to day actions too although I always chalked it up to him being more avoidant in his attachment style. E.g, even when we were first dating he'd always walk on ahead of me when we were in public, dismissed my feelings at times, and has ignored me for hours when we were out with friends etc.

Potential verbal/emotional abuse:
During a recent conversation where I had expressed that I was unhappy in our relationship and that I was considering separation, he called me a "terrible mother," and said I have "no personality,". He’s previously criticised my personality and appearance/choice of clothes. He’s said I’m "not normal" due to mental health struggles. and claimed therapy is useless for me as I will “never change”. He has not sought therapy himself.

Controlling/intimidating behaviour:
Incidents include physically intimidating behaviour on an isolated occasion while I was heavily pregnant, driving aggressively/too fast when annoyed with me and more recently slamming my laptop shut aggressively while I was using it (I think he felt he was losing control as I had talked about separation earlier that day and he knows I need my laptop for work).

Dismissal/denial:
He frequently denies or dismisses events I recall, then quickly wants to move on, accusing me of misunderstanding or not forgiving him/moving on fast enough

Financial control:
At points he has restricted my access to joint savings while I was left with most daily and childcare costs, leading to me having debts I cannot currently repay (although looking back I should have stood up for myself and not gone into debt trying to manage). He’s been very critical of me about this and told me I ‘deserve to pay’ for this although he later denied ever saying that.

He has also at times claimed that our jointly-owned house is “his” and claims to have "bought" items for me when actually the money was from joint funds. I think he sees the money in our savings as his, as a significant amount was gifted to us by relatives on his side of the family (who explicitly said the money was for us both, not just him).

He doesn’t identify any of his behaviour as abusive or controlling, and even seems genuinely confused by my feelings when I’ve tried to share my perspective. He is currently trying to show me that we can make our relationship work and overall he has been much more thoughtful and considerate recently. But his unpredictable nature concerns me…will this change last? He can also be helpful and caring and is generally a good Dad and reliable day to day.

I don’t want to break up our family as we have a young child but I don’t see how I will ever truly trust him again on an emotional level. Even if he has truly changed. Sometimes
I feel like I don’t truly know him which is strange after being together so long.

I’m really sad that he’s acted in these hurtful ways as if the safety and respect were there I think we could have worked through any relationship challenges we have.

I am at a crossroads and feeling like I’ve messed up my life. I have zero money and few friends right now (none nearby). I cannot turn to my own family for help for complex and multiple reasons. I’m also dealing with some health issues that makes finding consistent income challenging and our child is quite high needs and requires a lot of attention and care although she is in school now.

I feel so confused as sometimes he seems kind and reasonable and like a good person. I start to wonder if I’m misinterpreting his actions and behaviour and believing he’s being cruel or cold when he isn’t.

Is it possible to have a healthy relationship after relationship issues like these? I’d welcome your honest opinions and advice on my situation.

I’d be very careful about those joint savings now that you’ve expressed a desire to end the relationship. You need to have any child benefit paid into your own account, and if you do decide to jump ship, move at least half of the joint savings into your own account.

It’s good that you are married. I would use joint savings to pay off your debts (it’s only what would happen in the divorce settlement anyway). He might think the house is his but 50% is yours.
Get what money you can into your own accounts.
And get out. He will only get worse.

And I’d decided you should get rid with the Hospital incident. You are not safe with this man. (It was extremely dangerous to drive yourself to A&E under those circumstances.)

I didn't need to read any further than your first example which was bad enough, but did so and what a catalogue of vile behaviour followed! Please leave and don't look back. You have had lots of good advice on here so please take steps to separate from him ASAP. As you are married the house is half yours so get financial advice urgently, and also get your half of the joint savings into your account as soon as you can.

And BTW he is not a good father! A good father loves and respects their child's mother first and foremost and he treats you with none whatsoever.

This sounds eerily similar to my situation with my ex and young child. Nothing overt but it’s all very covert isn’t it. The disharmony and anxiety, and mental health struggles perpetuate how you feel. I can 1000% promise you that when you leave, your mental health will improve ten fold without the uncertainty, distrust, walking on eggshells environment you’ve had to endure.

I am wishing you the very best OP - but please leave in whatever way you can. I would recommend speaking to a domestic abuse service, they can provide brilliant support to you at this stage.

Thank you all for the support. I will contact women’s aid today, I have once before and they were very validating.

That’s great OP. Wishing you all the best

Don’t give him any clue that you are investigating separation. You are being domestically abused and the pattern is for this to escalate. Your physical and mental safety is the priority - speak to WA or another support service to create a safety plan.

The money his family has given to your family is exactly that family money - if you were to split today you are at the minimum entitled to half. He is not above the law no matter how much he bully’s you or tries to tell you otherwise - he is then just committing another crime of coercive control to add to his slate.

He will turn nasty on divorce negotiations but you don’t need to be drawn in - that’s what solicitors are there for.

Hold your nerve, look to your goal and take steps each day to get there.

Even more similar to my experience. Would put himself out for others even strangers! It was to make himself look good so I now question whether it was genuine empathy or just his ego to make him look like a good guy.

Leave but be clever. Get lots of legal advice whilst smiling along. Once you have support from a lawyer you trust, you will feel better and stronger and more able to go through the divorce.

MN is a great resource for stuff like this. People on here have been there, done that and got the settlement to prove it.

Move important documents to somewhere safe, maybe outside the home but don't let him know what you are doing until you know EXACTLY what you are doing.

He walks ahead of you. He drives fast to scare you. I was you. It never got better, it only gets worse. Run!

Your husband is abusive - emotionally and financially. DA isn't only physical violence. Your husband dismisses your feelings, gas lights you into believing you are to blame for any issues, critises your appearance/style/parenting abilities and uses your MH as a weapon against you. The fact early on in your relationship he showed these same traits, and wasn't loving, caring and affectionate towards you, tells me that he doesn't really love you. You are a toy he uses to control, and enjoys the power he has over you. Of course he's making an effort, he needs to make sure you won't leave! Once he thinks he's reeled you back in, making you believe he's 'changed', he will revert back to type. Without extensive therapy your husband won't change. He's aware of his behaviour, because he's toned it down to the point you think he's 'changed'!!! He won't change, long-term. You are married, any assets are joint, there's no 'his' and 'your' assets. Unless he legally ring fenced any inheritance, then it's a joint asset. Savings, investments, pensions and property are joint assets. Gather as much financial information as possible, seek some legal advice and take steps to leave. Keep a diary of any incidents - date, time, incident.

It’s also illegal to hide assets. A forensic accountant would uncover anything and he would be in hit water. Don’t let any of his words intimidate you - that’s what he will do but he is not above the law - which is in place for people like him.

You poor woman.
Your posts are both chilling and terrifying to read.
You have been horrifically abused and are clearly the victim of Coercive control....which is a serious crime.

Please allow Women's aid help you and consider involving the police.

He is a horror.

Oh love, please leave.

All the times my DH behaved abhorrently I chalked each one up as a "once off". Because the vile behaviour didnt happen all the time, it's easy to overlook.

Trust me though. I have wasted nearly 2 decades with my husband. The final straw was when he very aggressively tried to yank down my pajama bottoms after I had quite literally said "No, I don't want to".

When I think back to these "one off" incidents, like the time he screamed in my face(unprovoked), called me a useless cunt & abandoned me in a foreign city late at night whilst on holiday, I wish I'd left sooner. Maybe I'd still have some dignity & self esteem.

Thank you for all the support. My head is spinning again. I keep wondering if it’s me. Maybe I’m an unreliable narrator and have misunderstood his actions or not communicated well which led to the misunderstandings/things I listed.

Also I definitely could have managed some things differently/better with hindsight (eg discussing the finances and not taking on more than my share of the bills, plus paying for all childcare and essential items/clothing for our child when I had unreliable income.) I was striving for independence after he’d suggested that I stop working due it not being financially viable. But it backfired on me as ultimately the load of parenting and working so many hours caught up and I crashed and then started struggling with chronic illness alongside my ADHD & previous mental health stuff. Once I couldn’t earn money like I had been he could truly rage at me for being irresponsible and destroy what was left of my self-worth.

Since then it’s been the story that I don’t “pull my weight”, my ADHD makes me “annoying” and even an accusation of being a terrible mother, which I disagree with as I truly feel I’ve been a secure and loving parent consistently since DD was born..

I also feel I more than pull my weight in terms of household stuff, especially cooking and cleaning. We have a large home so I spend many hours a week just staying on top of the basics and laundry plus dealing with some major issues with mould and water damage due to him not wanting to spend money on maintenance. My life is pretty much just cleaning and crying lately.

He might spend a bit more time taking our child out to the park etc but usually because I’m cooking or cleaning, not because I’m lounging around the house or out having fun. I do every bedtime and breakfast and spend quality time with my child every day. I also have always been the one to see to her in the night if she wakes (and always have). Plus the mental load as I’m sure I don’t need to tell any of you about…

That being said. I’ve not exactly been showing up as my best self and he would say I’m cold towards him and not interested in spending time with him. I have so much resentment inside me now. Both towards him for his lack of empathy and care towards me and myself for idealising him and not having more self worth. I can’t believe this is my life and I can’t see things getting better for me now.

I’ve made so many mistakes and have no resources or support. I don’t even live close to where my friends are and I dislike the area we live in. It’s so remote and rural. Now our child is settled at school I guess I’m stuck here for at least another 12 years as we will (rightly) need to prioritise stability for her if we separate.

I know this sounds like I’m being a victim, I guess I’m having a bad day. I will pull myself together as nobody is coming to save me and I can’t give up for my daughter’s sake.

MercuryRisingBeware
Your experience sounds awful. I’m sorry you went through that and glad you’re out now. But yes, the impact on self-worth is immeasurable. I hope you can recover in time 🪷

I don’t have access to that account as he manages it but he’s been clear that we don’t have any savings left now.

Thank you. It’s validating to hear that you can see his behaviour can be controlling and abusive. I don’t think it’s severe enough to warrant police action though? Maybe if the physical intimidation or violence escalated again but I don’t think that will as those incidents have been rare. I don’t think he’d do anything that would make him look bad to outsiders as he values his image and how others see him.

Don’t worry about what you’ve done wrong. You might have done some things you shouldn’t have, you might have made some miscalculations. We all have, no one is perfect. But even if you have, that doesn’t make the things he has done ok. Two wrongs don’t make a right. You don’t have to be perfect in order to leave.

This is really kind and validating of you to share and I will take your advice… thank you so much. 💙

You make an excellent point about him being able to change/tone down his toxic behaviour when it matters to him… 😒

OP, I can guess you've stayed so long because he isn't always awful. No one would stay in a relationship if the person didn't sometimes show their 'nice' side. But the nice side isn't enough. And no matter how nice he is sometimes, you will never feel safe.

Thank you for saying that.

I do know that I’ve not done anything cruel or abusive towards him or our child (just in case my post about making mistakes was a bit ambiguous!). But yeah, I’ve definitely miscalculated and over-extended myself and didn’t speak up or communicate as well as I could have.

Although sometimes it seems like he purposefully misunderstands me or “forgets” what I’ve said and then accuses me of keeping things from him, but that’s a separate issue.

This is so true. That’s the crux of it. I don’t feel safe with him.

The only person who is going to tell you to stay is that piece of shit.

I’ve realised I’m spinning in circles here in a never ending cycle of self-doubt and over analysis. I know what I need to do. Thank you for all the wise words, advice and validation.