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Original poster

Should I not even consider returning

30 replies

Alicej34 · 04/09/2025 21:21

Apologies for the long post! I am trying to make sense of my situation and would appreciate some guidance. I split up with my partner over 2 years and we have a six year old son. The relationship was very very toxic although we have known each other since we were little so there is a lot of history there. I still feel not ready to move on from my expartner and feel like there is “unfinished business” . During the relationship and whilst pregnant he would frequently disappear on nights out and not return until the early morning. When he would return he would lie in bed all day hungover leaving me to get on with my day. I actually lost count of the amount of times this happened. I remember on one occasions when I was heavily pregnant he went to buy some cigarettes and didnt come home untill six am. I tried to explain these problems to him during our relationship but he just said he would “never change for anyone”. Anyway I left, but not before trying again and again and again. The last time over a year and a half ago we tried again, he said he would take me out in a date, we lived separately at this time, anyway it was his day to pick his son up from nursary the same day. On that day he never picked his son up and turned his phone off and went on a bender all night. When I questioned him about this he said well I assumed you would pick him up as we were meant to be meeting up later? Again no accountability! That made me certain of my decision.

anyway, not long after this he met someone else and moved in with her pretty quickly like within a month! Fast forward a year and a half, he asked me if I still have feelings for him. Which I have to admit I do. He”s basically said he will leave his current partner to be with me and we can try again. Am I stupid for even thinking about this? I don’t know if he had changed with regard to his drinking as I only see him every other Saturday when he picks our son up for the day/night. I know some people will read this and think why would I even consider this as an option but I guess I’m just very torn. I know he is no good for me and the relationship the way it was was no good for my son. I can’t help but think would it be any different this time round… any help please

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 04/09/2025 21:23

Do not, under any circumstances, get back together with him.
He's unreliable and doesn't respect you.

Dozer · 04/09/2025 21:24

Yes, if you do this it would be stupid and destructive, for your DC as well as you. Don’t!

Sally2791 · 04/09/2025 21:26

Don’t do it. Your poor child.

Original poster
Alicej34 · 04/09/2025 21:28

Thankyou I’ve done a year and half without him and I’m finally getting back on track i just need to keep reminding myself of how bad things were

OP posts:
user764329056 · 04/09/2025 21:30

No, no, no, aim higher, he’s a loser

LeftieRightsHoarder · 04/09/2025 21:32

I know he is no good for me and the relationship the way it was was no good for my son. I can’t help but think would it be any different this time round?

OP, you know the answer, you’ve said it yourself! Of course it wouldn’t be any better if you let him come back. And the disruption would be harmful to DS. This man is a nightmare.

GentleJadeOP · 04/09/2025 21:33

No! Never! Make your son your priority

CrostaDiPizza · 04/09/2025 21:33

You should not consider it.

WhyDidntIGetAnySoup · 04/09/2025 21:33

I rarely comment on these threads but wanted to chip and say please please please don’t get back with this fella. He treated you badly then and will do so again, perhaps even more so as he’ll see you as a pushover. Whenever you’re missing him, remind yourself of all those times when he let you down and left you feeling like shit. You deserve better, you know this. Also, think of your son and the confusion it would cause him - also, it would be his blueprint for future relationships. Pleas don’t get back with him!!

something2say · 04/09/2025 21:35

It would be a complete waste of time to try again. He hasn't been able to make it work with this other woman and he thinks he can sweet talk you back. But he didn't make you happy.

There are TONS of better relationships[s you c an have than one with this man. He 'will never change for anyone' meaning he is utterly selfish and focused on what he wants, and he doesn't care about letting you down. She must have had enough and want him gone, and he thinks he can doss at yours, doing whoever he likes, with you adoring him and giving him sex and food and a bed, until he decides he is up for a night out, at which point it will be back to square one.

You can do SO much better!!! Stop thinking about him and start thinking about your own future.

YetanotherNC25 · 04/09/2025 21:36

I know how it feels when you still care about an ex. But it’s the attachment not the person you’re missing. Don’t go back. He won’t change and you’ll just put yourself through hell all over again.
Stay strong and well away from him.

Merseymum1980 · 04/09/2025 21:36

Please dont these sesh head type guys rarley grow up and some end up as addicts.
Ive dated many such idiot before my child and my sons dad was one them turned to an addict.
He could also be a narcissist or covert narcacist and have your head messed up.
Read a book called women who love too much.
Also make plans for your future like studying, gym etc.
Good luck

PussInBin20 · 04/09/2025 21:43

Why on earth would you put yourself through it again? It will not end well and will mess your son up.

Think of him.

Diarygirlqueen · 04/09/2025 21:44

Why do you think he's looking back to you? There has to be a reason.
Don't do it.

gamerchick · 04/09/2025 21:45

The women he's with has obviously reached the end of the line and he senses that. He knows he's going to be out on his arse soon.

If you want to self harm, you may as well just punch yourself in the head repeatedly rather than the slow death with him. Because self harm is all it is.

ProperCupofTea · 04/09/2025 21:53

Oh come on OP. You know the answer!
The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and exepecting a different outcome. A bit like bashing your head against a brick wall and being surprised it hurts.

BonneMaman77 · 04/09/2025 22:02

He’s shown you who he is and he is not going to change. Don’t go back to that. You deserve better.

It maybe that you love him, but what you really want and is love should be as a partner and a father. He isn’t that and in fact he has told you and shown you that he doesn’t want that. This man is not for you.

I actually think you’ve done so well to leave him and stay away, stick with that decision. It took me two years to leave my ex-H when no kids were involved, so you’re strong and amazing! Stick to your decision and stay away.

Original poster
Alicej34 · 05/09/2025 08:05

thanks for all the comments , and I’ve been back many times I became very unwell and was diagnosed with post natal depression. This is actually why he says he used to disappear all the time because of my “moods” and the fact that he didn’t want to be around me. I actually remember another time i rang him on a Sunday night and a woman was in the background saying “just turn it off and tell her your phone is dead”. Another occasion where he pocket dialled me when he lived in his own house and was sat in his house doing god knows what with another woman in his house but didn’t realise he had pocket dialled me and so rang me the next day pretending he had slept in. The fact that he blames me for his actions because of my moods and yes I was moody and tired and drained because I had a newborn baby and I had no clue what to do, but it does make think did I drive him to act this way because of the way I was back then. This is the only reason why I’m thinking was this actually the case and it was me who made him that way? To provide more context to the situation my father was an addict and he died through drink and drugs. I grew up with that all my life and so was determined when I had children to would not put them through that. So when my sons dad would start drinking and I mean drinking excessively not just one or two, I would become extremely anxious, we would argue and a lot of times I’d end up kicking him out. I just did not want that round my son. But he would reply to say “everyone drinks around their kids”. I agree with having one or two but drinking to the point where your rolling around on the floor no I don’t agree with it and don’t think my son should have to witness it. Anyway fast foreword a few years he says he changed? He no longer drinks? And will change for me and we can be a family.

OP posts:
TheGoddessFrigg · 05/09/2025 08:12

He told you he wasn't going to change for anyone. When someone tells you who they are- believe them.

He probably going to be homeless because his latest girlfriend is about to kick him out and as Amy Winehouse sang ' He's going back to his same old safe bet'.

You and your son are worth so much more than this waster

Dery · 05/09/2025 08:18

Post-natal depression is extremely common. The early stages are a huge stressor on even very strong relationships. DH and I were warned about this by friends who were already parents and gave each other a lot of grace around our exhaustion and snappiness but it was tough.

Your ex is just a useless, faithless waste of space. Instead of supporting you and stepping up to fatherhood, this guy just fucked off. Becoming a father sorts the men from the boys. Your ex stayed a boy. If he can walk away from and cheat on the woman who has just had his baby and walk away from his tiny baby, he can walk away from anyone.

Do NOT go back to him.

Imbusytodaysorry · 05/09/2025 08:20

@Alicej34 read what you have written over and over again . Go back to how you felt when living like that .Is that how you want to feel is that how you like to live?
Jeeze he is still useless , he picks his son up every other weekend ???
You are well rid . He is a cocklodger ,not happy where he is so looking for a base untill he moves to the next one .

You deserve better do not let him in emotionally, start dating . Tell him no but you would like him to step up with his son more .

You should seek some counseling .
What he is giving you is just words , he has had plenty chance and he’s s actions have been shocking . Don’t fall for it again .

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/09/2025 08:27

Anyway fast forword a few years he says he changed? He no longer drinks? And will change for me and we can be a family

Well I don't believe a word of that.

Your whole post this morning sounds like you're trying very hard to blame yourself for his behaviour.

Be very careful. None of this was your fault. None of it.

He will not change. He's already had far too many chances from you.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 05/09/2025 08:30

@Alicej34 I cant believe you are even asking this.

What you have described is such poor behaviour. This man is a wasteman.

ncduetooutingsituation · 05/09/2025 08:32

I actually did get back with an ex, after a tempestuous relationship where I wasn’t treated as I wanted.
I loved him, but I was unwilling to tolerate certain behaviours.
When I left, I told him he needed therapy.

He contacted me 10 years later, thanking me for the parting words. He had three years of therapy, and wanted to show me that he had changed.
I was single, and incredibly curious (and hopeful).

I met him at the house he had bought, and we talked through the previous 10 years.
He understands why he behaved as he did, and explained that he had been angry because I hadn’t been able to ‘fix’ him.
Ultimately he made a commitment to fix himself.

You didn’t cause his behaviour. You can’t change his behaviour. You correctly refused to tolerate his behaviour.
It sounds like you have done a great job in protecting your son from his nonsense.

Has he given you any reason to believe that he could be a great partner now?
He’s in another relationship, but now he’s contacting you again. This doesn’t suggest he would be capable of being a faithful and supportive partner, anymore than he was then.

Look at what he’s doing, not what he’s saying.
Don’t give him any opportunity to make you unhappy again and destabilise your life.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 05/09/2025 08:34

@Alicej34 is this the same bloke you posted about in 2017?
The coke head with five children by different mothers?