Is DP being an arse with DS16 here?

[Isdpabullyingknob]

I'm struggling to work out if im being sensitive or if he is being a total arsehole that needs dealing with.

DS16 has just started college, vocational course part time (which was a surprise we thought it would be FT), GCSE results not great at all but good enough to get on the course and he did try, hes just not academic.

Hes a lovely young man. Very polite, loving, caring, got a really good heart, we're really close, he loves his younger brother. Hes never given us any trouble at all. Teachers all had a soft spot for him and would comment on his manners and say they genuinely hope he has a good life. He is a bit lazy tbf but nothing unusual according to other mum friends.

Ive picked up recently that hes been a bit overwhelmed with everything. I just sensed hes having a bit of a crap time realising hes in the big world now. When I suggested this to him the other week and put my arm around him, I could actually feel the tension drain from his shoulders and he admitted as much. My poor kid 🙁 I dont think he knows what he wants to do career wise just yet either. I know he'll do ok whatever he chooses, I just think he thinks he should have a clear path mapped out and be successful in something already.

He has also applied for part time jobs in retail etc without any luck at all. So that's been a bit disheartening for him.

Now on to DP. His dad.

He can go on and on and on at the lad. Mostly when I'm not in - i found this out today. A family member told me who overhears it and said they wanted me to know. Badgers him to go to the gym so hes doing something, goes on about him going to the college to get on an extra course "just go now (at 3pm) to the office and stand there" (he started last week ffs!) says he'll drive him round all the morrisons/asdas/KFC's - says kfc will "take anyone on"....tells him "we're not going to keep you forever you need to get a job".....just harangues the lad by all accounts.

i have been here when DP is like this, he can be a bit similar with me, but when he starts on the DC I do shut it down if I hear it and he will back down, but then the atmosphere is awful.

On the one hand i want DS to gee himself up a bit, for himself, but on the other as I can see he's just struggling a bit right now mentally, and he is still only 16 and a bit overwhelmed, i think its pretty shitty to actively make him feel even worse at this stage 😕

The issue is, DP doesn't do feelings/emotions really. Doesn't understand it if people dont agree with him or feel how he does about stuff. Very "mental health and feelings is bollocks" type thing. Im not saying this to bias any opinions, just explain that I have tried to make DP a bit 'softer' in his parenting and talk about feelings but he just says "well you shouldn't feel that way because i didnt mean it like that".

Now to go on to what's made me make this post. Its one thing for DP to be a dick with me - i am very slowly checking out and do see our future together shortening - but when it comes to DC i do bite back. Loud and hard. And I can't help but feel this latest episode is ultra shitty and just a macho display of power and bullying over a young lad who just needs a little bit of time and space to get used to this next phase before we (i) work with him to help him pull his socks up a bit.

As a side, I have seen a shift in DP generally. Hes starting to turn into someone who thinks hes the most oppressed in society. I suspect he is watching a lot of stuff on YouTube that lends itself to that narrative.

Sorry that's long. Just wondering what MNers make of all this. I honestly dont know if im just being down on DP because I am actively checking out, or if he is being a total arse here that needs addressing tonight. Is my instinct right here and DP is getting a bit out of hand?

(I did speak to DS btw. Just mentioned id got the feeling Dad had been on at him a bit and not let it get to him, Dad just wants the best blah blah. DS said, quote, "dont worry I just ignore him mum"....but what if he stops ignoring him? 😟)

Hmm its a difficult one really. Ds does need to do something and not be mamby pambied (i had a son with a mamby pambyed one and was a complete man child slash useless sack of an excuse of a father) however your dp sounds a bit ott and not very good at communication.
I don't think your ds sounds too bothered by dp wittering

I mean he is being a bit of an arse but it sounds like your DS basically just tunes him out.

in similar circs my son spent a lot of time in his room or round his girlfriends.

One thought, is it definitely a part-time course or could it be a full-time one which is taught over approximately half the week? The latter is more likely for colleges and how they get funding for 16-18 year olds. If that is the case and your DP realised, might it take some pressure off your son?

I do not like the sound of your man at all and he talks down to you in an unkind fashion . He’s a bully and no good. You’ve basically become used to this verbal crap from him but now he is doing the same to his eldest son. It’s not acceptable and will emotionally harm him. If you are seen by this young man as not protecting or otherwise standing up for him then he won’t want to see you either.

Send your man back to his mother’s. He’s not good enough for you either and who died and made him king?.

Many college courses do not have their students attend all day every day. My son’s college course was done over part of the day over 4 days a week.

Your partner is a bully.

Your son sounds like a decent young man and his father seems to enjoy criticising him and knocking him down. This is just going to wreck his self confidence.

snd a man who does not do feelings or emotions is a big walking red flag.

He needs now to become your ex partner because bullying men like this pick on women or kids. He would not talk to another an
like this. And your 16 year old is still a child in a legal sense. He was still at school
three months ago . And retail jobs for 16 year olds are practically non existent.

Who is looking out for this lad really because it’s certainly not his father who has no clue about his son nor empathy. Thank goodness this person said something to you about your man s behaviour towards his child when you are out.

Maybe you should suggest 360 feedback family meeting. We all agree to give each other feedback and set a target for each other to improve. Your DH can be emotional intelligence and considering other peoples perspectives.

Sorry op i didn't realise he was in college

I think your DP sounds like someone with zero EI and no empathy. I'm wondering if this is who you want in your and your childrens lives ?

I can see ops bloke not at all being receptive to feedback of him from anyone who he regards as lesser being than he. Such men only consider one perspective - their own.

It sounds like your DS could do with a metaphorical kick up the arse to get into gear.
Your DP's suggestions sound very good to me.
The boy needs to be busy and work (work on his wellbeing, have a regular hobby, study, earn some money) because he has a lot of time on his hands. A routine, structure and satisfaction from achieving x, y and z would do him good. And help him deal with real life as an independent adult in the future.
However the delivery method your DP employs is annoying and won't work but that's the best the man can do. Disappointing.
Maybe you could have a calm conversation with DP and tell him to either back off or be sensitive to DS's gentle nature.

Oh me dad needs to get with the modern ways of job recruitment.christvthe days of popping your head in to the local supermarket are long gone.
Online application plus assessment and an interview if you're very lucky and it may be a group assessment with ridiculous questions..such as if you were an animal what would it be and why?
Looking at you Asda for a 12 HR a week cleaning job.

A family member told me who overhears it and said they wanted me to know
It must have been bad for this to happen.

I'd point this out, here the college courses are taught over 2 1/2 days but are full-time courses.

When I was at college the teaching time was just spreadout more. I had 1/2 day Wednesday (virtually all colleges and university do this for sport) then one full day off, with my classes spread out. Not even A-level students have a full timetable, DD only had 4 frees a week but that was because she did 4 and not 3 A-levels, a lot of her friends seemed to have a lot of free time.

So he's probably on a full time course. They do expect them to do more independent learning at college and some also work this way to allow them to work part-time. But it isn't actually that easy to get a part-time job anymore at 16 and virtually everywhere except independent business expect them to apply online.

Ultimately, your DP is being horrible to his son to try and get him to do what he considers the 'right' thing.
That's what it boils down to. Surely you would want to be nice to your child first and foremost?
I had a dad like this. He was crap. And he never seemed to notice that his methods didn't bloody work either, just kept getting louder and more annoyed that we didn't just do as he dictated. Not got much of a relationship with him now, which he is sad about but it's his own fault. He just didn't see why he should treat us like human beings with our own thoughts and feelings. And we were in no way coddled by our mum! He would also say he was 'not good at emotions' as if that was an excuse to just not bother to put any effort into a major part of parenting.

Stick up for your DS. He needs it. GCSE year is tough and they are under a lot of pressure. They're also trying to figure out what to do and how to get a career pathway sorted in a world where that's getting harder all the time thanks to AI. I do understand the impulse to push them to do productive things but he is in college and jobs for 16 year olds are hard to come by now. I also think that your partner is deliberately doing this when you won't be around to put the other side and that gives it a darker slant.

Whose name is the house in? How quickly could you get your ducks in a row, if needs be?

It sounds like your son needs practical help and not the approach DP is taking.

his job application process sounds like it needs to improve. His CV/covering letter isn’t right with the level of rejections. Who can help with this?
A part time job alongside his course will build his confidence.

It won't be part time, it will be compressed hours over 3 days or so. A level students have loads of gaps for timetabling reasons. BTEC especially at level 3 with no resits don't need that so teaching us 3 days, with other 4 for assignments, relaxation and work experience.

Join the lovely BTEC thread on the Further Education board to find out more.

My initial step would be to talk to DS. Mention that it’s been brought to your attention. Find out how he feels about it and ask him whether or not he wants you to step in.

as for when he does it in front of you, shut it down quick and clean. But there’s a reason he isn’t doing it in front of you…

ultimately - protect your kids. Show them their dad is not the way the world feels

in summary - yes your DP is a twat

DP is a bully. Keep standing up for your son and planning a better future without the miserable git. When did badgering ever have a positive outcome?

I think your DP is a bit of a bully. I have a DS similar age and sounds very similar to yours I think they do need a bit of a push but it sounds to me like your DP is going too far. I think a lot of college courses seem to be part time

For a family member to raise this it must've been quite concerning. I would talk to DS and see how he feels.

Your DP is bullying your DS. You need to have a word and try to get him to stop.

This is really serious - it is hurting your DS to have to try to ignore the bullying.

I think you need to try to find your DS some voluntary work which will help him get a job. Start finding ways to minimise the difficult conversations with dad, so take him out just the two of you.

You're not overreacting, in my view you're underreacting.

It’s hard, I’ve found myself nagging our eldest without wanting too- he sounds the exact same and is a legend personality wise but had no get up and go and sometimes you do panic thinking ‘I don’t want him to never work/ do anything/ know what he wants to do’. My dh sounds very like yours and if I was bad he was ten times worse and we finally sat down to talk about it and he calmed down a bit. The biting back and protecting thing you do won’t help op, your dh needs to calm down but you need to not be an opposing force too, because now he has the stress of his parents clashing over him.

ps my son finally got a job in an outdoor adventure type place. He adored it. Tell your ds he’ll get something, and now the world is his oyster, he sees it as crap I’m an adult, remind him this means he could go work for a year in places school never allowed him to think about (different parts of the country, crazy jobs like Disney etc) everything crossed for him x

Easiest way to find out is to have an open chat with your son about how his dad makes him feel surely.

@Isdpabullyingknob- yes he is. I suppose it could be coming from him trying to gee DS up to apply for jobs etc. But from everything else you’ve said, that’s not the case.

I had a similar situation with DH and DD - when she was starting secondary school and going through a lippy teen phase. He was really over the top with her. I tried to play peacemaker. But I wish I’d called him out - he was more out of order because he was the adult. Fast forward a few years and DD has anxiety issues and the underlying problems with her Dad are still there.

Only adding my experience to say I wish I’d been stronger in tackling DH at the time, and to encourage you to trust your gut about what’s happening.