Is DP being an arse with DS16 here?

[Isdpabullyingknob]

I'm struggling to work out if im being sensitive or if he is being a total arsehole that needs dealing with.

DS16 has just started college, vocational course part time (which was a surprise we thought it would be FT), GCSE results not great at all but good enough to get on the course and he did try, hes just not academic.

Hes a lovely young man. Very polite, loving, caring, got a really good heart, we're really close, he loves his younger brother. Hes never given us any trouble at all. Teachers all had a soft spot for him and would comment on his manners and say they genuinely hope he has a good life. He is a bit lazy tbf but nothing unusual according to other mum friends.

Ive picked up recently that hes been a bit overwhelmed with everything. I just sensed hes having a bit of a crap time realising hes in the big world now. When I suggested this to him the other week and put my arm around him, I could actually feel the tension drain from his shoulders and he admitted as much. My poor kid 🙁 I dont think he knows what he wants to do career wise just yet either. I know he'll do ok whatever he chooses, I just think he thinks he should have a clear path mapped out and be successful in something already.

He has also applied for part time jobs in retail etc without any luck at all. So that's been a bit disheartening for him.

Now on to DP. His dad.

He can go on and on and on at the lad. Mostly when I'm not in - i found this out today. A family member told me who overhears it and said they wanted me to know. Badgers him to go to the gym so hes doing something, goes on about him going to the college to get on an extra course "just go now (at 3pm) to the office and stand there" (he started last week ffs!) says he'll drive him round all the morrisons/asdas/KFC's - says kfc will "take anyone on"....tells him "we're not going to keep you forever you need to get a job".....just harangues the lad by all accounts.

i have been here when DP is like this, he can be a bit similar with me, but when he starts on the DC I do shut it down if I hear it and he will back down, but then the atmosphere is awful.

On the one hand i want DS to gee himself up a bit, for himself, but on the other as I can see he's just struggling a bit right now mentally, and he is still only 16 and a bit overwhelmed, i think its pretty shitty to actively make him feel even worse at this stage 😕

The issue is, DP doesn't do feelings/emotions really. Doesn't understand it if people dont agree with him or feel how he does about stuff. Very "mental health and feelings is bollocks" type thing. Im not saying this to bias any opinions, just explain that I have tried to make DP a bit 'softer' in his parenting and talk about feelings but he just says "well you shouldn't feel that way because i didnt mean it like that".

Now to go on to what's made me make this post. Its one thing for DP to be a dick with me - i am very slowly checking out and do see our future together shortening - but when it comes to DC i do bite back. Loud and hard. And I can't help but feel this latest episode is ultra shitty and just a macho display of power and bullying over a young lad who just needs a little bit of time and space to get used to this next phase before we (i) work with him to help him pull his socks up a bit.

As a side, I have seen a shift in DP generally. Hes starting to turn into someone who thinks hes the most oppressed in society. I suspect he is watching a lot of stuff on YouTube that lends itself to that narrative.

Sorry that's long. Just wondering what MNers make of all this. I honestly dont know if im just being down on DP because I am actively checking out, or if he is being a total arse here that needs addressing tonight. Is my instinct right here and DP is getting a bit out of hand?

(I did speak to DS btw. Just mentioned id got the feeling Dad had been on at him a bit and not let it get to him, Dad just wants the best blah blah. DS said, quote, "dont worry I just ignore him mum"....but what if he stops ignoring him? 😟)

It’s good that DS is saying he just ignores on the one hand but it doesn’t bode terribly well for their future relationship does it? It’s very sad when people behave like this. I assume he is repeating his own parenting without any insight into how damaging it can be.

Unless you are going to leave him what you are doing already is right I think. Give ds the space to talk about it and let him know he has your love and support.

My ex was like this despite being a bit lazy himself . He constantly bullied our son and said I “babied” him . DS got a nightime job in a supermarket in Covid but I was wrong for driving him there despite there being no public transport. It came to a head when he physically attacked our son after drinking . We left and I felt immense guilt for not leaving sooner. It destroyed DS’s confidence for a while . Tell your DS not to feel disheartened about the retail jobs .My son tried a few times At 16 it’s harder as they need supervision to sell alcohol and hours are restricted. They will soon be recruiting Christmas staff . As previously stated it’s all online with the big companies now .

I found a 30 year letter recently from my teenage db to me at uni where he is saying that my df never stops moaning at him. Neither of us went on to respect my df very much as adults. He basically always wanted to dump his own anxiety on us regardless of how it impacted.

I think there’s a half and half. DS probably needs a bit of both. It’s hard out here in the world of work especially with no experience etc so he does need to be encouraged to keep going and be stubborn with it.

maybe your DP is trying to push him as he knows what it can be like to be a man with low skills in society. Yes he’s only 16 but time passes quickly.

if you are providing gentleness and hugs with no need for pressure and DP is pushing for grit, determination and perseverance in the face of adversity. He is getting a bit of both

driving round the shops is stupid, can you guys not hook him up with something entry level at either of your workplaces?

You’ve had a lot of good advice here. I’ll just add that many high st places won’t take on under 18s these days so the jobs are like hens teeth anyway.

You should say to your DP what you’ve said here and ask how he thinks his relationship with his son is going?

Yes your DP is being an arse. He will ruin his relationship with DS, he just won't respect him.

We were surprised when DD started college that her level 3 NVQ course was only 3 days a week. She is supposed to do work alongside but she completely failed to find paid work even with college help. Took her a long time to accept she'd have to do volunteering.

Hope it may be easier when she turns 18 in November.

I don't know what you do about DP. You can tell him but as his behaviour is coming from some place of insecurity I think he'll just get defensive. You could try the therapy way of 'ive noticed you doing x - I am worried about you and your relationship with DS - what is worrying you and make you act like this?'. And try and have a conversation about DP feelings - DS' life is his own you have to let him live it but offer advice if he asks and a safety net if he falls.

His dad needs to back off.

It’s not encouragement, it’s bullying. He’ll turn him completely off if he’s not careful.

Your DP needs to learn how to communicate effectively, and not totally ineffectively.

Good for you, for standing up to DP and having your son's back.

He's literally 16, he's working towards qualifications so he can get a decent job in the future. If you can afford to support him and are happy to do so until he finds his feet a bit, then why shouldn't you? It's not like he's mid 20s, sat about sponging off the bank of mum and dad.

Can't stand macho men who think it's OK to pick on their sons to "toughen them up". See it time and again, and frankly it's gross 🤢

Been with this type of man and left and had this type of son and he’s turned out to have a brilliant job, work ethic, house and gf.
You have already checked out so nothing to lose here by standing up to DP. He doesn’t only lack emotions he oppresses and polices other people's emotions. He’s an inadequate bully. It’s not ok. I am well trained at being cool and calm in the face of being shouted at - god it works. In the end when you calmly keep pointing out they are shouting at you they do expose themselves as stupid bullies and then likely to storm off and tell you well you do things your way. And just keep supporting your son gently. At this age I and other mums got their DS their first job - it’s not a weakness it’s just parenting. You don’t help a baby bird fly by booting it off the roof top. And they all fly with different levels of support. If he’s still 21 and struggling to be independent then tougher love needed but at 16 just gentle encouragement as he finds his place in the world and hopefully retains that lovely heart that will serve him well all his life xx

I think it's important for kids to have a range of things to put on a cv so i think suggesting things he might want to consider is a great idea - what your OH is doing though is not. He needs to approach it in a positive way rather than try to bully the poor boy into it! This will of course be impacting your sons mental health even if he says he's ignores it.

I would give the supermarkets a miss and try other shops/cafes/fast food places, this is a good lesson in resilience and just how difficult it is to get any job. I really don't think there's anything wrong with going into places and asking if they're looking for people and asking where they advertise jobs. I would also suggest volunteering in anything he might be interested in to give him the idea if it might be for him (if possible). The other thing is there are loads of free courses, youtube vidoes and moocs on just about anything you might be interested in. I would recommend doing some of these to help him work out what he's interested in. All these things can then help with a CV. Has he considered doing an apprenticeship? Can be competitive but lots of options there - and a good cv will definitely help.

I think he could do with you sitting down with him and looking at all the options available to him once he finishes his course. It sounds like he's a bit lost at the moment and a bit overwhelmed by the options so maybe you could help him go through the options and thinking about what appeals.

Morning all, sorry i assumed id had no replies as didnt last time i checked ☺️

Thank you everyone, very reassuring to see its not me. I am aware im starting to get a bit conditioned myself to not rock the boat (when it comes to me) so it is getting more difficult to see what's shitty behaviour.

But like I say when it comes to the DC I really dont care about going up against DP. I do try to do it out if earshot of the boys but do think it does no harm for them to sometimes see me pulling him up so they know i will have their back when someone's being a dick to them.

I mentioned the YT videos in my op. I genuinely think these are affecting DP so hes getting worse, so it is all going to come to a head very soon anyway. It almost feels like hes throwing his weight around at home because of those. There's another thread on MN about that that really resonated.

I can move quickly if needed and would be ok financially thankfully.

With DS i am going to just give him a bit of time to get his head around this new phase and will help him. I think cafes/independent shops are the way to go and I can try and get him a few days here and there in my work to get on his CV. He did that last year and loved it ☺️ he did day hes had an email from college to say theres a revised timetable that he'll get next week so it probably will be condensed FT.

With DP id messaged him yesterday when I heard what happened and said 'we' need to lay off DS as he is struggling a bit and hassling him isnt going to help him at all. I thought this would kick off as he usually does when I pull him up but DP hasn't said a word about it and was Mr Nice last night. My thinking there is ive laid down a bit f ground work so if I hear/see that behaviour from him again he shouldn't be surprised when I explode.

We're definitely not going to last much longer, I know that 100%. He just doesn't do talking through things and refuses to consider people's emotions and feelings, so issues are never resolved.

It’s such a tricky age isn’t it. They aren’t adults. But they almost are. Some are completely flying with a clear plan and others are floundering around going “I don’t fucking know what I’m meant to be doing”

no advice, sounds like you’ve got a bit of a plan in place for DP. And solidarity from another mum with one the same age. Keep up the cuddles and the cake. We do lots of walks (easy to talk) with cake and ice cream!

I am 40/60 on this.
Tbh my mum was a bit like you and my dad was a bit like him and sadly he was not in the house so I was raised by my mum, she was soft and I went to college and never got a job til i was 22. Its just one of those things, without pressure, I just was a bit naturally lazy and a kick would have help without being too bully like your DH,

Tbh he maybe rigjht, KFC and McD takes foreigners who barely speak english on the spot, your son needs to try there(My brother managed one and I know this for a fact, it's not as hard if you show a bit of wit). He def needs to do something in his free time, even GYM as suggested