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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How on earth can you find a relationship these days?

35 replies

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 18:01

I know this might have been done to death, but what is a person who genuinely wants to find a relationship meant to do these days?

The apps mostly don’t work. You have to get very lucky or be not that picky. Dating someone at work isn’t advised due to the awkwardness there. As an adult friendships can be a challenge juggling kids and work, so who is going to set you up with a nice friend. I just genuinely haven’t got a clue how to meet anyone.

Does anyone else feel like it’s hopeless out there and they might as well just give.

Please don’t tell me to join a hobby group! I don’t like running nor do I want to date a runner.

OP posts:
MonsterBoo · 04/09/2025 18:11

Apps do work you just have to keep trying. It's how most people meet now.

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 18:17

I just can’t get on with the apps. It feels so false and just such an odd way of treating people. Like it’s a game and you are judging them on a few photos.

If this is how it has to happen, I guess I’ll stay alone!

OP posts:
Slackbladder22 · 04/09/2025 18:28

I tried the apps, had fun but nothing lasting. I’m now dating someone I met in work and it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had had. Just more in common from the off, we were friends then it developed.

I struggled to match with people similar to me on the apps

smallsilvercloud · 04/09/2025 18:31

You have to be open to it, you’ve already discounted apps, work and hobby, so the only other option is socially, through mutual friends or meeting someone out.
personally unless you are very sociable, keep going with online dating, there has be a needle in a haystack somewhere.

pinenuts75 · 04/09/2025 18:35

I’ve been on the apps for years I think I need to change my photos 😂

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 18:47

This is the thing - people are on these apps for years and years. It doesn’t work for the vast majority of people!

OP posts:
Shutup9 · 04/09/2025 18:48

Are you in a big city? There are groups like Bored of Dating Apps which hold regular singles nights.

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 18:48

Surely their job is to get you off the app and meet someone. If you’re on there for many years it simply isn’t working. I’m the same and have been on and off them, met a few people (most time wasters, users etc)

OP posts:
Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 18:49

Shutup9 · 04/09/2025 18:48

Are you in a big city? There are groups like Bored of Dating Apps which hold regular singles nights.

No not really. I’m in a small ish town, there’s a city about 25 mins drive.

OP posts:
Shutup9 · 04/09/2025 18:50

I know you don't want apps but Breeze is meant to be decent, as it arranges a date right away rather than wasted conversations on the app that go nowhere.

PrincessofWells · 04/09/2025 18:52

Take up a sport or two. Loads of single guys at our cycling club, badminton and tennis club.

pinenuts75 · 04/09/2025 19:03

I was chatting to someone all of August via WhatsApp he asked if I would like to chat on there, I thought we were getting on great felt we connected, we were meant to meet up yesterday, he’s just disappeared haven’t heard a thing from him 🤷‍♀️

Constantlypuzzled82 · 04/09/2025 19:04

I know how you feel I was on and off the apps for years & was about to give up…and then met someone lovely. Previously I was very picky with who I’d swipe on and eventually realised some of my parameters were too rigid. I wouldn’t swipe on people who I thought were too attractive for me - I explained this to friends who said I had too low an opinion of myself and encouraged me to aim higher 🤣 I was fixated on age I’d always had boyfriends at least 7 years older than me. I also ruled people out if they had certain types of profile pictures with specific hobbies. My partner now is a little bit younger than me, I think he’s better looking than I am 😉& has hobbies I’m not into but in reality that just means when he does those things I do other stuff. I did not lower my standards I just broadened what was acceptable in terms of swiping/matches. The overall goal remained the same. I just gave myself a bigger pool to pick from which increased the odds I suppose. I have a wide circle of friends, am super sociable and work with lots of men but just didn’t meet anyone that way.

PermanentTemporary · 04/09/2025 19:09

My Dh had a book called How Not To Be Single and then met me. The advice it gave included telling everyone you know that you would like to be in a relationship. Say yes to every invitation. Can’t remember what else but I should think the book is findable on Amazon or whatever.

Speaking personally, the apps have been fine. Dp and I met when we’d both been on Ourtime about 3 months. But that was 5 years ago.

taxguru · 04/09/2025 19:31

Work and hobbies seem to be the way (based on myself and friends/family).

By work, I don't mean people you directly work with, i.e. your immediate colleagues or line management, I mean people you come into contact with on a more casual basis, i.e. people you see in the kitchen or drinks machine, or people you "vaguely" know by just chatting as you pass in the corridor, or even the guy who comes regularly to repair the photocopier, or suppliers/customers, etc. I was an external auditor back in the day which basically meant working at a business's site for typically one or two weeks, and got asked out a couple of times by staff working there. My sister ended up marrying a bloke who went into her workplace every few weeks to deliver stationery! If you keep a kind of "distance" and don't date people you're literally working alongside daily, it's easier to back away as you won't see them constantly and it's easier to get other staff to deal with them if there's a bad break up.

Hobbies can be a lot more than jogging/running! My "hobby" back in the day was being a Special Constable! Great way to get some "one on one" time working with someone to break down barriers. I must have worked shifts with dozens of people (maybe over a hundred) over the years I did it. By being a Special rather than regular, there was a lot more options of days/shifts as we weren't bound by the shift patterns, and I even had a choice of 3 different main police stations (and a few smaller village stations). Again, very easy to "avoid" someone in case of a bad break up or otherwise wanting to back away if someone gets a bit too "close" or you get a stalker! By a similar token, another "hobby" was joining the Institute of Advanced Motorists, firstly as a trainee and then as an observer (similar to instructor) and then committee member of the local group- again lots of "one on one" time with other people, typically an hour driving around in a car. A few friends have found their long term partners from other hobbies like rambling, birdwatching, amateur dramatics, etc.

I've never actually done traditional dating where you go out with a random stranger or even someone I've known briefly, i.e. meeting in a pub or club. Every single one of my dates/boyfriends was someone I actually got to know pretty well beforehand before we moved onto dating. As for meeting my husband (now together for 37 years), I must have known him for over a year before our first "date", part of that time I was dating someone else (as was he), but even during that period, I spent a fair amount of time with my, now, husband as friends in the hobby setting, often seeking each other out if we found ourselves doing the same thing at the same time! And we didn't specifically ditch our respective partners to be together, it was just a lucky coincidence we found ourselves both single at the same time.

I do think people need to "get out" more and meet people in real life. It's too easy with WFH, home shopping, etc., to stay in too much, and if you're not the kind to go out on the pull to pubs and clubs etc., you're not going to meet people.

dodobedo · 04/09/2025 19:48

Get your face out of your phone and your arse outside the house.

WandaWomblesaurusWonka · 04/09/2025 19:49

Dating app culture is much more fraught and weird these days - I think a lot of people are getting fed up of them and going back to trying to meet people in more organic ways. There’s local history groups, there’s gardening clubs, there’s cinema clubs, it’s maybe more about just getting out and doing things you enjoy and wish a bloke would do with you. And then you might find him in the place you would like him to take you.

Mumoftwojune · 04/09/2025 19:58

Constantlypuzzled82 · 04/09/2025 19:04

I know how you feel I was on and off the apps for years & was about to give up…and then met someone lovely. Previously I was very picky with who I’d swipe on and eventually realised some of my parameters were too rigid. I wouldn’t swipe on people who I thought were too attractive for me - I explained this to friends who said I had too low an opinion of myself and encouraged me to aim higher 🤣 I was fixated on age I’d always had boyfriends at least 7 years older than me. I also ruled people out if they had certain types of profile pictures with specific hobbies. My partner now is a little bit younger than me, I think he’s better looking than I am 😉& has hobbies I’m not into but in reality that just means when he does those things I do other stuff. I did not lower my standards I just broadened what was acceptable in terms of swiping/matches. The overall goal remained the same. I just gave myself a bigger pool to pick from which increased the odds I suppose. I have a wide circle of friends, am super sociable and work with lots of men but just didn’t meet anyone that way.

This is excellent advice OP

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 20:25

dodobedo · 04/09/2025 19:48

Get your face out of your phone and your arse outside the house.

Hmm compassion bypass much?
I am trying to do that. But it’s not easy. Are you single and 42?

OP posts:
Sparklesandspandexgallore · 04/09/2025 20:34

I also agree with Constantlypuzzled

2ndMrsdeWinter · 04/09/2025 20:43

I was approached by a female friend of my current partner, who told me she thought I might be his perfect woman. Seems I am. Stay hopeful - it does happen ☺️

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 20:53

@2ndMrsdeWinter that's lovely - I’m happy for you. Hope is in short supply for me though!

OP posts:
CallmePaul · 04/09/2025 23:32

I've posted this before ref OLD but although I've never tried it yet, the vast vast majority of people I know if they've not been with their partners from much younger ages have all met via the apps.

My work team for example of 6. 4 of them have met partners through OLD. The remaining 2 have been together since far younger & met socially.

Pub night last week. Different bunch of us 7 people, 4 have met partners via OLD & are married. 2 met partners many yrs ago socially & I was the lone single & not dating.

MissColumbo · 05/09/2025 00:00

Thegrassroots26 · 04/09/2025 18:47

This is the thing - people are on these apps for years and years. It doesn’t work for the vast majority of people!

If "people" (men?) are on certain apps for years it means they want to be there. Some men are only looking for a succession of casual hook ups, not actually seeking a proper committed long-term relationship.

However, in the mid 2000s two of my female chums met their partners via online dating, one on Match and the other eHarmony. Both got quite "lucky" early on in that their (now) long term partners were their first and only dates from the apps. They were both in their 40s at the time.

I don't know what the mathematical statistical probability of that happening is - but they did both go into OLD exceptionally hopeful of meeting Mr Right. Perhaps their positive, enthusiastic, optimistic approach to OLD with the mindset that they would find someone / would find "the one" is the factor which led to their successful outcomes.

aurynne · 05/09/2025 03:41

I don't know what to advice you OP. I was exactly the same as you, tried online dating and hated it, I met a lot of men, and even made a couple of good friends, but never a romantic partner. Online datind left me feeling dissatisfied, and empty. As another poster, I am unable to develop romantic feelings after meeting a stranger just a couple of times. All my previous boyfriends have become boyfriends after knowing them as acquantances/friends for a while. In fact, the first time I met some of them, I did not have any interest in them. The interest developed later as I got to know them.

I ended up meeting my current partner while doing a multi-day hike by myself, he was doing the same by himself. I had deleted all my dating apps and was happy by myself, and not looking at the time. I thought he was an interesting person but did not have any romantic interest in him when we met. Then we kept in touch, started talking on the phone frequently, met another time by chance (he lives quite far away, but was passing by my town), and little by little I realised I was thinking of him more and more, and in a romantic way. And I was lucky that he in fact had been attracted to me from the first time he met me! (in his own words).

However I am very aware of the number of coincidences and luck that needed to align in order for this to happen. If we broke up I don't think i would bother online dating again, I did not enjoy it. But in my case, I am happy with my own company, so it does not really worry me.