I’m trapped and don’t know how to escape my soon to be marriage

[Followthestarsxoxo]

Im due to get married in 28 days in Greece, our family and friends have paid thousands to come and join us at our wedding.
We have been together 10 years since we was 18, we have 2 boys who are 1 and 4, we have a mortgage, a car on finance that’s in my name. He earns all the money I work a 16 hour a week retail job that pays minimum wage ,I done this because he didn’t want me working after the boys arrived, which at the time I was happy with but now i realise I have nothing, I have to start from the bottom again and physically won’t earn enough to support me and the boys if I leave.
I’ve just worked around his work and the boys for the last 6 years and got nothing for myself, if he leaves he’s fine, probably better off to be honest.

i don’t think I love him anymore, he’s aloud his family to treat me so bad leading up to our wedding, I’ve cried to him multiple times asking for him to support me and he just won’t and over the last few months I’ve just started to resent him, I don’t look at him the same anymore.
it’s taken all the magic away from this wedding, I wanted to love him when I see him at the end of the aisle, now I’m unsure.

I’ve spoke to him about doing the wedding but not signing the paperwork he just thinks it’s a joke but I’m dead serious. He doesn’t take anything serious, he’s a man child.

im scared and don’t know what im going to do. I have no family to help support me and I have no savings as this wedding as cost us a fortune, just the equity in the house which split will be about £20k each maybe I don’t know.

Time to take your courage in both hands and do whatever you need to do to be happy for yourself and your children. Maybe it's the case that you need to go through with the wedding to secure your legal rights – there will others along very soon to advise you. Forget everyone else, stay laser focussed on doing what's best for you.

I'm not an expert in these things OP but financially perhaps the best thing might be for you to go ahead with the marriage and then make your plans to seperate. I think that marriage will give you financial right that you don't have when you are not married.

You'd potentially be in a better position for leaving in the future if you're legally married, but it may not be worth it.
Do you think he would fight you for custody? If not, with children that young you would probably manage okay renting and getting universal credit to top up your wage until you can work more when they are older.

Id be considering whether the marriage might provide the rights to his assets 🫣, morally they are both yours in any case.

I knew before I married my first (abusive) husband that it shouldn’t really happen. But money had been paid and I thought marrying him would ‘cure’ his jealousy and insecurity that led to his what I now know was abuse of me. It took me longer to plan the wedding than it did to leave him 16 months later. I was lucky though I didn’t have children with him. Could start again. Don’t marry him if you don’t want to. Explain why to everyone. If you lose family and friends because you decided you couldn’t go through with it for very good reasons, then let them go. They’re not your friends. And they’re family who don’t have your best interests at heart. Good luck.

I think that youre thinking too far ahead op. The first thing to do is not to marry him and quick.

I'm sorry, ive edited my whole post.

Doesn't the legal ceremony have to happen in the UK?? Cancel that. Call ASAP and cancel that part.

Then speak to those around you who you think you can trust. Will they stand by you if you do the big brave thing and cancel the abroad ceremony?

That's what I'd do first. Can you move yourself and your kids to your parents place, til you figure out your next steps?

❤️

Not sure if marrying him and then divorcing him to get in a better financial position would work as some suggest, there is something about short marriages not entitling you to 50%. Others might know more about this, but just something to consider. Personally I wouldn’t marry him if you don’t see a future, I deeply regret getting married because I thought that’s what I needed to do.

I’m just so scared of making the wrong decision for both me and the boys, only time will tell I suppose, I don’t feel like I have a choice but to get married now everything is ready, everyone has paid

The people who have spent money to attend your wedding are people who love you so I doubt they would want you to do anything you're not sure about OP.

Whose name are the deeds to the house in?

What’s the value of your savings (his & yours)?

What’s the value of your pensions (his & yours)?

What’s the value of any other assets (cars, other vehicles, premium bonds, shares etc)?

What’s your total debt (his & yours)?

I agree with the early posters in that you are potentially in a very vulnerable position as a low-earning unmarried mother. However, if you have a large pension or other property etc in your name, that could be fine.

If all the assets, pensions etc are in your OH’s name, then the smartest thing to do would be to get married and then separate. That could be the difference between you being homeless and penniless or staying in the family home and getting half his pension and other assets.

No, no, no. You ALWAYS have a choice. No one can tell you what to do – that's the good bit about being an adult! Do you have a friend, a colleague or any family member who you can talk to about your options without any pressure, either way?

I can’t believe people are saying marry him for the assets, which aren’t huge anyway. Besides, how long would she have to stay in an unhappy marriage in order for it not to be considered a short marriage, entitling her to less?
OP forget the money spent on the wedding, forget the time invested in the relationship until now, put aside your worries about work and supporting the kids. Do what you have to do to be happy. I think you know what that is. The alternative is more unhappiness. If you think you feel trapped now, imagine how much more so you’ll feel that once married.

Even if you choose not to marry him, the people who paid to attend can still come and have a holiday (with or without you). What I mean is, don't use that as a reason to marry someone you don't feel certain about.

Get legal advice asap

If you weren't behind in your career and in a precarious financial position due to this id say absolutely do not get married.

But I do agree with PP. Getting married should give you some financial protection. Yes, short marriages are often not treated as 'proper' marriages but you have really been living as though married for a long time and can prove detriment to yourself.

If you went through with the marriage, what would most upset you? The pretence? Feeling like you were getting in deeper? Faith?

See if you can get some advice re the financial side of a short marriage after a long term dependent relationship. Citizens advice or a woman's charity or a legal forum.

Money comes and goes. They can enjoy a holiday out there. Do what is best for you. If you paid to attend someone else's wedding in the same situation as you, would you get annoyed? Don't be afraid or under any pressure. Why go through an entire wedding ceremony when your heart is not in it? If he isn't bothering with how you feel and not taking you seriously, then you need to take a stance against this. Better to engage in couples therapy before making any drastic decisions.

OP - I think you probably have cold feet - which is common.
Your only issue is something about your future H and how he allowed his family to treat you - which you say caused you to feel resentful. And how you can't "look at him with love" as he walks down the aisle?
It's like you are living in a movie....

In reality - you have been with this man for 10 years. You chose to bring two children to this world with him. It is not a movie, not some romance novel.
You want to throw away this relationship over the stress prior to the big expensive destination wedding??
Sounds really immature and selfish.

My advice - get married. See how the relationship develops. Your children are small - and you are in the hardest part of parenting with both kids so tiny and demanding a lot. Every relationship gets challenged by this stage.

You can't support yourself and the kids. If you break up now - it'll only case a lot of misery to you and your children. Cancelling the wedding with such short notice is also going to cause a lot of upset for your family and friends.

I don't know what horrible things his family did to you in the runup to the marriage. But it seems that you are throwing a tantum over it now - in some sort of power struggle with your partner.

Marry him, then separate. It sounds mercenary but you’ll be much better off. Financially and also in every other way, he sounds controlling as fuck, and appalling in allowing his family to abuse you.

He’s controlling her. He didn’t want her to work. He allows his family to abuse her. What on earth is your post, seriously?

I think she should marry him, but then divorce so she’s in a better position.

Go through with the marriage, endure it and split a year later (not sure about potential ramifications of early divorce in regards to assets). Gun for half of everything he has. You are tied to him for life whether you like it or not. It is better to end this union with half of his assets as opposed to doing the noble, humble thing and cancelling the wedding, potentially leaving yourself destitute and penniless. Ideally you should have married him before breeding with him but the clock cannot be turned back.

Have you seen the deeds to the house? Are you absolutely sure your name is on there?

Can you have a check on benefits calculator to work out if you’d be able to claim enough to cover your basic costs, along with working. You might be surprised.

My very close friend cancelled her wedding 1 week before it was due to take place. She said she just knew in her heart it wasn’t right and she felt ill at the thought of it all. I was so happy she was able to make the right choice for herself, no one minded about the money spent we just wished the best for her.

You don't owe anyone your life.

Please phone Women's Aid. Don't marry this controlling abusive man or into his family. You will be ok on your own with your children. You just need help from people who aren't emotionally involved.

All the guests can still go, enjoy their holiday. Fake illness, can't go, acute problem, not life threatening, let them all go for a nice holiday.

Consider options then.

The period living together before the marriage is normally taken into account when looking at the finances.

I think it would be a smarter move to go ahead with the wedding. Financially you will be better off if you leave him later on. Look on Moneysavingexperts website. You will be entitled to more financially if you are married including more of the house and missed earnings from bringing up your boys.
I hink you are in quite deep now with family who have committed to the day.
I would think with your brain at this point rather than heart as with 28 days to go it’s too late..