If you're middle aged, can I ask what your friendships look like?

[camiseta]

I'm middle aged and live with a number of conditions that have made life and relationships very difficult. Nevertheless, I've fought really hard to make and keep friends in my life in some capacity although I haven't had the energy to foster close links with more than a few people and I'm hindered in ways that most people aren't (eg speech disorders mean phone calls take weeks of mental preparation and then days to recover - even though you wouldn't know I had speech disorders, I sound normal). And because, until recently, I didn't have diagnoses for most of these conditions I could never explain why I couldn't do some things or sustain certain types of effort which has left me in a situation where a lot of people think I'm quite a low effort, flaky friend, even though I'm pushing myself to the point of exhaustion just to give what I'm giving on a sporadic basis.

For the first time in my life, however, there are a number of treatments on the horizon for some of my conditions and I'm starting to dream about trying to improve the friendships I do have and maybe even make more friends, but I'm really not sure what to aim for or what's normal. I know it varies widely but I'd be interested to hear from other people who consider themselves middle aged - how many friends do you have and how many would you call close? What do you define as close? How many people do you phone on a regular basis and how many people do you manage to text regularly? How many people do you see in person regularly and do you seem them in groups or one on one? Are there people you're in touch with without fail or do most of your relationships ebb and flow a bit? As in you might go through phases of texting or phoning a lot then not speak to people for months? I'd love to have some idea of what's normal for someone not hindered by all these weird health things that I've been living with! Some of my friends have tried to get closer to me over the years and I haven't been able to reciprocate their efforts. I'm now wondering if I should try and do more if it becomes possible (no guarantee I'll be a candidate for the treatments or that they'll work) but not quite sure what's normal re more and what will make me look like an obsessed stalker! Now people have kids I'm also aware they have less time although I don't have kids myself. To sum up, what is a normal level of effort when it comes to close and less close friendships and what are normal outcomes from these levels of effort?! All insights welcome - I don't expect anyone to answer each and every question, just an overview would be really helpful!

I m perimenopausal and so are most of my friends. We are all living through a cost of living crisis, mass movement of people, a housing crisis and climate change. There is quite a lot of social unrest just now, people are polarised.

Middle age is a time when people often focus on their immediate families, their budget and themselves.

My friendship circle has definitely decreased. Friends are no longer a bunch of teenagers laughing at everything. It's a pity.

Effort for close friends: it really depends, I ld say meet once every couple of months and call on the phone for a catch up once a week. Odd text in between. Show up to events when invited.

Effort for situational friends: polite and positive in respect of the shared interest. Polite acquaintances. Contact in respect of the shared interest.

I m possibly completely wrong,..... The above seems to be my life. I ld say I have 3 good friends, and at this stage maybe 6 regular loose friends. It's not that many really.

There is a loneliness problem currently. Maybe technology is also to blame.

I don't think you can be wrong - everyone's situation is different. It's lovely you have 3 good friends that you phone every week. I couldn't sustain that level of effort at the moment but am hoping that might be doable if the speech disorder treatment becomes available. It would be a good level to aim for to be honest.

Anyone else?

I'm in my mid forties...I have probably about five women who I consider close friends. I see it like this now I'm this age...my friends aren't actually part of my life like they were when I was in my teens/twenties....I live my life and they live theirs and we occasionally catch up to tell each other about it

I'm mid 50s, had a 30yr career in a mostly male environment. I left that job 10yrs ago, and have 2 close friends of 25+yrs made through that job. They both live approx 80 miles from me in opposite directions. I see them twice maybe three times a year, but text often
I moved house during covid to be nearer my now 90yr old mum, and have 2 friends who live within 10 miles of me. I go on holidays with one of those, and see the other one regularly for dog walks.
Like pp I had a big social circle in my 20s & 30s - now I like my own company, and I'm happy with how my friendships with others are.
I'm happily single and feel like I've got the right balance for me - although I appreciate my life might seem a bit uneventful for some.

I’m still close friends with 6 of my school friends. We try to get together as a group a few times a year and we’ll do things together individually, we’ve all known each other for nearly 30 years.

I also have another group of friends from my sports club. We see each other at least twice a week for practice and we also go for drinks/meals/weekends away together.

For context I’m 40, married with 2 young kids.

Hello OP. I'm late 50s. I have a couple of friends I've known for years and it's comfortable being with them as we have shared history. I don't see them very often now. I think like other posters have said, most of us are busy with jobs and caring responsibilities. I have social nourishment from my job and I have other friends who's company I enjoy, but we are not close.
There is a book called Friends by Robin Dunbar which I listened to and enjoyed. Mel Robbins also has a chapter on friendships and how the evolve in her book Let Them (both were recommended on this forum and you might find them interesting)

I'm 56 and have several small groups of friends. We chat pretty much every day via WhatsApp and get together when we can - though everyone is busy with work, family etc. Whilst the groups have met, they have never merged really - different ambience with each. We tend to host at each others houses, go out for cocktails and food occasionally and I normally do several trips each year - either with them, or to visit other friends in different countries. My job is a bit full on at times so I don't really like doing things in the week, and weekend I have things to catch up with / see dd etc so I probably don't see people in person as much as I would like to. But no longer really like "big nights out". Prefer going out for a long lunch or early drinks. I am happy with the balance though. As we chat and share pics daily I feel like I know what is going on with everyone.

I’m in my mid-50s now and I have a variety of friends. We are empty nesters for the main so free to socialise at will.
My friends are v much in my life - I see good friends once a month or occasionally more depending on what’s going on. We message a lot though.
It does vary as I have a WhatsApp w old work friends but we only get together once every 3 months, but message almost daily.
Most of my friends are from my teen years, but some from work and mum friends too.
My extended social circle isn’t as big as it was, but I haven’t got the energy for partying too much now / I also have health issues so don’t drink.

I'm mid-40s, single and childless. Have 4 really close friends who I see once/twice a month and message more often. Then maybe 10 friends who I see quite often, sometimes because we have hobbies in common. And maybe 20/30 friends who I see 2-4 times a year socially 1:1 or small group.

I’m 55 and find that technology has hugely helped me maintain my friendships. It’s not like the old days when I went off to uni and was dependent on letter writing and the weekly phone call (from a payphone that you queued ages for) to my parents. Now that was hard work and you really found out who your true friends were!

I have two very close friends that I WhatsApp with most days. One of them I have been friends with for 50 years and saw her pretty much every day of my life until I moved away (to uni and then forever) at age 18. I live 250 miles away from her hence the WhatsApp but I see her every time I go back to visit my family. She’s usually my very first stop! In fact I’m going up this weekend so already have plans for the day with her. My other close friend has been my friend for 32 years. We met on the grad scheme at our first post-uni job. We both live in London and now her kids are older, we see a lot more of each other. Every few weeks at least. I was on WhatsApp with her last night (she’s currently overseas on hols). I spend time with her kids too (both at uni) and they were my bubble in lockdown so we’re quite a tight little group.

I have 2 further close-but-not-quite-as-close friends. Known them both for 35 years. I see one in person every few months (she’s very wrapped up in kids and running her business) and the other one I haven’t seen for several years as he lives overseas so we message randomly but I know if I need him, he’d be there in an instant.

I have a much wider circle of ‘middling’ friends from school, various jobs, sporting hobbies, even some of my neighbours and I have contact with them all as and when. It can be multiple times in a day to not for months.

The one thing I don’t do is make or receive calls (except to my 80-something father). All my communication is WhatsApp or face to face.

I have a couple of friends - former colleagues - who I see a few times a year. Good friends rather than close friends. I have current colleagues I get on well with, but I don't socialise with them outside work - they mostly have children so are busy with family life.

I meet very few people who are on my wavelength.

Thank you so much - I'm just heading out for the evening but will try to reply when I get bavk, This is all helpful and interesting!

I agree with @HundredMilesAnHour about WhatsApp. I have fairly frequent message conversations with my friends.

I am in my 40s and have hearing loss. I am very sociable and have quite a lot of friends in addition to a handful of really close friends. I loathe talking on the phone - like you, I can do it, but find it exhausting as in ‘real life’ I lip read and use facial expressions so much. My best friend now lives on the other side of the country and we mostly communicate by WhatsApp messages. We are both super busy so a couple of weeks can go by without any meaningful conversation but we send links, memes and ‘saw this and thought of you’ type messages every few days. We meet up for weekends a couple of times a year and have a wonderful time catching up.
I’ve got old school friends that I can pick up with as and when - don’t speak for months and then go and have dinner or something. Other friends are related to work/hobby and I see them most days.
Great to hear that you have hopes of treatments - hope it opens up the world again for you.

I am 50 and find that now my kids have grown up I have time for friends again. I have a group of 3 school friends who I go away with once and year, speak to weekly and see every couple of months.

I also have a group of 5 mum friends who I have known since our 20 somethings were babies. I speak to 2 of them most days and we go out for dinner and or coffee at least a couple of times a month.

I then have half a dozen friends who I catch up with for coffee or dinner most months. They’re mainly friends I met through my kids

Finally DP and I have 3 or 4 couple friends we see fairly regularly on Saturday night and one couple we like to go away with for a week most years

i feel lucky to have these friends we’ve seen each other through a lot

I’m mid 40s. I only have around 4 friends, none of which I have ever spoken to on the phone. We only text to organise meeting up, never just chat via text. This happens once every few months. I’m probably not the best model for what is normal though!

I have two close friends from ‘back home’ (the place I grew up but haven’t lived there for over 20 years) who are like sisters to me. We see each other 3-4 times a year, used to be a bit more when all our kids were small and we would go on holiday with each other.
I have a wonderful circle of friends where I live now. Three of these are really close friends (but not part of the same group) who I see every week, text on a regular basis. We go out for drinks, might go for walk, a swim or whatever together and I will see these 3 at least every week. One of these friends is part of a circle of friends where we all socialise together as a group, sometimes with husbands/partners as well on a regular basis. I have lots of friends and have something on socially every weekend but I would say I have 5 friends who are ‘best friends’.
I think it’s fine to have some friends who are more casual- it’s fine to enjoy people’s company from time to time and not be too deep and meaningful and I certainly have a large circle of friendships like this.
To me, having a good solid group of friends is really important and I think you have to nurture it. To make an effort and make time for each other if you really value that person as a close friend. Not all friendships have to be really close, but you will know naturally who you really feel a close bond with and should make an effort to make time for them.

I'm 45, neurodivergent if relevant.

About six close friends who live 45 mins to 2 hours away. Their kids range from 3 - 15 years old. 5 - 10 age I would say is tricky as their kids are very active but not very independent, they tend to want to be with other kids and its all very noisy 😂. Not impossible to arrange to meet without kids but usually a brunch or if going out it would be for something special.
We whatsapp occasionally and I see them probably anything from every couple of months to once a year.

Love them to death, many memories together, shared values, and they know everything about me, doesn't matter that we don't speak often, always like nothing has changed. I see them one to one usually. Sometimes there will be a birthday or tickets to something and then the group will widen to other people. I'd say only one of them is your super reliable friend type personality - she's the one who I've probably messaged or voice noted twice a week though not at the moment as work is busy.

I'm really not a fan of the phone, not when I'm still young and people are in travelling distance.

I have kept friends from work at an arms length (mainly as I used to do a lot of drugs in my teens and 20s but work doesn't know me like that).

I need more child free friends tbh over next 5 years, join some clubs and groups - I prefer that as hate in when someone cancels - if its a group then it's happening anyway! Also easier to form friends though a shared activity over time.

You ok @camiseta ? Lots of thoughts here for you.

Ah, thank you all so much, this was exactly what I was looking for! And sorry for the late reply - I overdid it a bit when I went out and crashed but I'm used to that!

Definitely helpful to get so many perspectives too! And in some ways to realise that I've maybe missed out on less than I sometimes thought I had and that friendships do dwindle a bit as we get older, even for those who aren't plagued by weird health conditions. I had sometimes imagined that for others it was just like a continuation of their teens and twenties but with loads of money to spend on everything and lots of cute photos of kids to share around and cheer everyone up! Although some people do seem to have that and I do envy it.

I agree you can be happy and fulfilled with much less though - a few really good connections can go a long way as many of your stories attest to. And maybe I'm actually more suited to that. I can never quite work out if I'm actually an introvert or a chronically ill extrovert.

I'm encouraged to hear how rich and plentiful your friendships are HundredMilesAnHour, even though you don't talk on the phone! That gives me hope!

It's also good to know about Whatsapp dynamics - I don't have that many Whatsapp groups and use it mostly for one on one chat. I sometimes feel I'm missing out on that a bit. Something to work on although I'm not sure how.

I will check out those books MysterySong - thank you! I have read articles summarising them before and found them really interesting so it would make sense to read the whole thing.

CeciliaDuckiePond - the wavelength thing has been an issue for me too but i presume it is for everyone to some extent. I've gone through phases where one or two key people have made me feel really connected then there are other times where you just long to find that and don't. It's so hard when the people you're closest to move far away, especially when you don't have the money to visit them.

Chickoletta - thanks for your kind words and concern. That's lovely you manage to keep up with so many people despite also being a phone avoider and struggling with your hearing a bit. That can't be easy.

Tipeetommeey your life sounds busy but great fun! I've just started trying to make some couple friendships but my partner is quite socially anxious and that's a bit of an obstacle. I also read some unpleasant threads on here from time to time about people losing these friends if their's a divorce or a death, although hopefully the latter is uncommon until much later in life. I do worry about putting all that energy into something that might all be lost but I guess it's just part of life and you just have to have as many different types of connection as you can - as it sounds like you're doing. Or do you mean you see all these couples at once? I don't think my DP could cope with more than 4 people at one table although I'd love a bigger group and reckon a few of my couple friends would really get on with each other but will probably never meet because of this!

GreenMarigold - there is no normal! Just value in knowing what other peoples lives look like :) Again, I'm encouraged you have solid relationships that work well without the phone!

EllaPaella - love your username and your friendship circles sound like extrovert heaven! I'm not sure I'll ever be up to that level of effort but if I could manage a fraction of it I'm sure it would pay off!

BlueUmberFox · that's interesting you mentioned about brunches as well as MissAmbrosia mentioning lunch. I'm not an early bird so don't make that kind of thing. It just floors me. I am getting a bit sad that people are moving away from dinners to lunches a bit as I get older but i guess it works better for a lot of people. Glad you're also thriving without the phone! I get what you're saying about groups and then it's always happening! I miss the days of groups for that reason too, although I can also be the one to cancel and I feel less bad about it when it won't stop the whole thing from happening. What kind of clubs or groups do you join? I've had very little luck with those at all although maybe because I'm never that interested in the thing and just want to meet people. They can maybe sense that.

I have always had problems retaining friends. I am shy, and into solitary interests. I was married for 18 years until two years ago, and that took up a LOT of my time. (Part of the reason I divorced him was because he wanted attention on himself the majority of the time. He made me feel guilty for going out anywhere) All my current relationships with people I know are fairly shallow. There’s one very old friend whom I have known since childhood, (our mums were friends) whom I text occasionally but she lives 80 miles away, currently, and is a busy parent of two boys. I told her I was moving closer to her recently and she was very pleased actually. But there’s no close friends, in the distance or emotional sense. My brother is the person I text the most, other than my daughter. He also lives 80 miles away! (Same town) I am hoping to make new friends in my new town because I don’t want to continue being alone as I have been currently. I have had a lifetime of drama and emotional stress, and I will ghost people that I perceive to be wasting my time. Unfortunately, that’s most people! I am perimenopausal, too.