Do I leave my long term relationship?

[LoversDemolition]

I have been with my partner since we were both 16. We have two DC under 5. I’ve never had that ‘madly in love’ feeling for him to be honest - I think I’ve always had a codependency issue and things have worked well for us practically so I stayed.

Since our second DC was born, I’ve been feeling that i can’t see a future with my DP. We are so different and I am starting to have intense panicky feelings about the situation. I simply don’t love him anymore - there’s no abuse etc, which is why I feel so guilty about it all. I’m stuck in the headspace of thinking is it better to leave now while the DC are young and won’t remember? Or do I keep them in a stable family situation in a lovely quiet area and big house?

I grew up with parents who stayed together ‘for the kids’ but my brother and I were constantly witnessing arguments, bitterness and two parents who clearly had no love or even respect for each other. I don’t want my kids to end up in this same situation (although we rarely argue and get along well).

Another issue is that my partner shows no affection. No hugs, goodbye kisses or compliments. We have quite an active sex life but as soon as the sex is over, there’s no more physical touch until the next time. He works ALOT and barely sees the kids for 30 minutes each day. The kids don’t even react when he walks through the door. To be quite honest, I’m craving an intense romantic connection with someone, and want to feel loved and desired.

Im also worried I’ll lose the relationship with his family. Arguably I have a better relationship with his parents than he does. I communicate with them about the kids, holidays etc while he sits back and lets me do it all. I would be scared that they’d cut me off if we separated. I’ve effectively known them for half of my life and they’re like a second set of parents to me.

Another issue is finances. I’ve worked part time (3 days a week) since having DC. I come out with £1500 after tax monthly. My partner earns close to £100k so I don’t even know if I’d afford a mortgage on my own. We currently have a joint mortgage that I wouldn’t be able to afford on my own.

I also feel intense guilt at the thought of leaving my partner. He just wants a comfortable, easy life and I would feel terrible at derailing everything he has planned for the future.

So, what I’m trying to ask is: would I be a bad person for leaving this relationship, turning my kid’s and partner’s lives upside down just because I don’t love him anymore? Or do I stay put until they’re older, and give them a nice upbringing where money is not a second thought? Do I stay and try to build some savings up to myself and kids? I’m lost

Do you not think counselling worth a shot?

@LoversDemolition "... would I be a bad person for leaving this relationship, turning my kid’s and partner’s lives upside down just because I don’t love him anymore?"

No.

I left an unhappy relationship when my children were 3 and 5 (I'm male.) I don't regret it and I'm sure it was better for my sons. If you face this situation with courage, and you're honest and do your best to remain calm and focus on what you want, you can end up in a better situation for everyone. Obviously, you can't just go by one person's experience but what I've observed is that people who've made the very difficult decision to leave an unhappy or unsatisfactory relationship rarely regret it. And one more thing: you actually might be setting your children a good example: "Sometimes, for things to get better, you have to make very difficult decisions."

Obviously, the final decision is yours only. Wishing you luck and courage.

Did you leave with your children? Or they stayed with their mother? What’s the split in children now?

Children stayed with their mother in the family home and I became someone's lodger for a year or so. The boys were with me at weekends, and this continued when I met the woman who was to become my wife. At a certain age - 15? - they started doing their own thing. I took them on holiday every year with their uncle. My sons are now 29 and 31.

Right.

So a very typical scenario of a man leaving.

Not so for a woman.

And whilst you saw them at the weekend, you wouldn’t have had them overnight if you were a lodger

I know on here the stock answer is you can leave for any reason you like. But I do think with kids involved you should do what you can to make the relationship work before calling it a day, if there is no abuse. From your post it doesn't sound like either of you have done much to salvage things. Have you even spoken to him about why you are unhappy, does he know about any of your resentments? Would he give counselling a go? Do you have any couple time at all?

That's where you're wrong. They came to me at my lodging, which was in the house of a good friend. I had a large room and a large bed and the run of the house. My two sons and I slept together in the large bed.

Splitting up with their mother was a mutual decision. I did the decent thing and left the family home, with little hope of ever buying my own place, but that wasn't my priority at the time. As it turned out, things looked up for me later, but I didn't know that at the time.

If you're a father, your children's security (and, by extension, that of the mother) is paramount. My children's mother never had to leave the family home. I would never have put her in the position where she had to sell, whilst the children were with her. I suffered financially because of this but that was my responsibility as a father.

So, in the OP's scenario, even though it would be her ending the relationship, I'd expect the husband to put his family's security first and leave the family home if necessary. Maybe, for them, selling the house and buying two smaller places would work, but that's for them to work out.

As I say… very very much a man’s experience of leaving the family.

So now a joint decision? Rather different to your first post 🤔

I don't quite get what you're saying when you say "very much a man's experience". It was my experience. I went from being a homeowner to a lodger. I would not expect the OP to do this, not if she's the primary caregiver.

And, regarding whether my leaving was a joint decision, I haven't gone into detail because it's not for me to derail this thread. My relationship was horrible, I put up with it as long as I could (for the children), then I left and everyone was happier. If you want details, you're welcome to DM me, though obviously, you'll only get my side of the story.

How would it not be a joint decision? Just because the father moved out doesn't mean it wasn't a joint decision or does it?

op

Whose sake would you be staying for if you stayed because it won’t be for them, more likely your own because it seems somehow “easier”. Your parents stayed together for your sake and I would think you would call their decision to do so ultimately an unwise one.

If you no longer love your partner separate rather than drag things out for the kids and or resentment builds. You can both choose to coparent amicably.

I think if I suggested counselling my partner would just end the relationship. He has a big issue with pride so would feel that if I have any doubts, he wouldn’t want to try and work on things

Over the years we’ve had many conversations about the lack of affection etc. it always ends with us both saying we’ll try more but it never happens. I’ve realised in the last few years that I’ve just accepted things as they are and given up trying to improve anything. Maybe that says I’ve mentally checked out?

Read the first post this poster makes

sounds like it was mutual?

I left an unhappy relationship when my children were 3 and 5 (I'm male.) I

but now you didn’t leave it
it was a very amicable mutual decision
rightio

So in that case Op, it doesn’t sound like he’s particularly happy or committed to the relationship either. If he’d end it over a suggestion for counselling then he’s hardly committed is he.

Can’t say I have known many mothers leave their husband and children, and move in to a room as a lodger.

However I have known a few men and certainly lots of mumsnet… that have.

So yes, I agree…. Very much a man’s experience of a breakdown of a marriage. But not many women will have done this.

and I don’t understand how you say you “left the relationship” but then say it was a “mutual decision”?

Lets not get sidetracked. OP isn’t married and may have little to no claim on her partner’s assets. She is in an extremely vulnerable position and it can not be taken for granted that her partner will treat her and the children equitably or favorably goong firward. But that fact argues fir leaving sooner, rather than later, as the OP is as young as she will ever be now and dhe has the mist tome to build up her own career and find a new partner. A high sex but loveless relationship suits the partner but not OP: my advice is to get out fast.

@LoversDemolition
The way you paint the picture in your first post, it almost seems as if you're silly for leaving someone you have a very good, stable, loving relationship with, who is a good partner and father and provides a good income.
And I'm sure that's how you see things, and you're angry at yourself for feeling like this isn't enough.

However, then your post continues and you add a few replies, and actually I see a man who is

• neglectful
• uninvolved
• gives no intimacy except sex
• too proud to work on your relationship
• has shut down all deeper communication
• refuses to put in any effort
• leaves you to carry the mental and emotional load of the household all by yourself
• emotionally constipated
• And probably a lot more than the surface we have scratched here

You're not wrong for being intensely lonely. I would be too if I were in your shoes.
You're not wrong for wanting to leave.
You do deserve better.

Look, when something isn't working, you can try to work on it or walk away. But relationships take two. If you want to do the work and your partner doesn't, then ultimately the choice to let things crumble was his and not yours.

Is it sad for the children? Probably. But they are not the first children to go through divorce, nor will they be the last. They will be fine. And maybe giving them a chance to grow up with a happy mum goes a longer way than living in a big house with two parents who can't be bothered with each other.

He’d really do that? Jesus, no wonder you don’t feel anything for him, that is pathetic.

Exactly

This isn’t the OP not wanting to be with him

This is two people not really wanting to be with each other

I was you many years ago. I too was married to a man who never showed me affection and we slept in separate beds for pretty much the 9 years we were married.
His Mum still asks me to visit. I think she realised what a challenge I was taking on!
The reason I left was to eventually meet someone to show my child what a good relationship looked like. I have never achieved that. But my daughter has coped with the two house, backwards and forwards.

@AttilaTheMeerkat 'and I don’t understand how you say you “left the relationship” but then say it was a “mutual decision”?'

My ex was abusive. In a rare moment of lucidity, we decided, mutually, this couldn't go on. I left the family home.

Agree with pp he doesn’t want to be with OP either sadly. She even said he just wants a comfortable life. And I think that sums it up - he’s with her for convenience.

But OP don’t be so sure he has made plans to stay with you forever! Many men are known for ditching their partners /wives in middle age. And he doesn’t exactly seem enamoured with you even now.

And why aren’t you married - is that a mutual decision?

You’ve sacrificed some of your earnings and career for your joint kids but yet you don’t have the security of marriage.

It seems to be benefiting him as you’re enabling him to be at his high paid job - not a good position for you.

How do you split bills? Do you have joint savings? Is he paying extra towards your NI/pension since you work part time ?