Feeling very selfish because of my partners depression

[haribo1989]

My partner has not been diagnosed but has been what I imagine to be depressed for about 2.5 years (there are some good days too) but was all triggered by his daughter turning 18 and deciding she didnt want to have contact with him - he has two daughters and the older one is fine and more than happy to spend time with us. But this really triggered something dark inside him and it means that when other things dont go quite right (struggling with his business, not having enough money, family issues, even if we have a small disagreement) he goes into a very dark place.

I have tried many things, obviously talking with him whenever he is able, trying to put practical things in place, suggesting different grounding techniques etc. So far in 2.5 years and very recently I have made the tiniest bit of progress. He has point blank refused counselling, going to the GP anything that involves a professional person. But he has downloaded a book for his kindle which he has started to read, he has agreed to finally tell a friend what he has been going through (they are meeting tonight) and he is doing regular exercise and eating well to help the physical side. All good and all steps in the right direction.

BUT - I am utterly exhausted and flagging myself, he is a talker but only talks to me. As an example, we both WFH and take an hour for a walk at lunch. Every lunch time is an hour of discussing his business, why its not working, why is he such a failure etc - I have suggested lots of things - but his mindset always comes back to his youngest child not wanting to see him which must mean he is a failure. I dont want to be mean or horrible but I am so frustrated, tired, exhausted of dealing with the same thing every day. I put myself through 6 counselling sessions from work which helped but that was a year ago and I still practice the techniques now.

2.5 years ago when this all started was when I had just had a operation to remove a cancerous tumour, had my recovery - all good now but I feel like I havent had much time to process myself (this is crazy right?) also 4 weeks ago I had to put my beautiful old lady cat to sleep so I am struggling. Today because he is going out for dinner with a friend to talk about stuff - he is in a dark place and seems to be taking it out on me. I am so tired of this but at a loss of what to do next. any ideas/advice/thoughts

You're not being selfish to put your needs and quality of life first. If you don't do that, who will?

Next time you take one of you lunch time walks, ask your partner if he'd be willing to talk to you about how you are doing and let him know that you can't pour from an empty cup and need some support from him.

Ultimately, if I were you, I'd be willing to walk away from the relationship. Life is too short.

I say this kindly, but he’s a taker. He’s not treating you as a partner, and if he can’t even be supportive when you’re dealing with cancer because woe is him over his daughter not talking to him, he’s not a good long-term prospect.

A decent man would have prioritised looking after his partner and supporting her through the cancer diagnosis and treatment, not demanded your energy during that time to support him over his daughter making what may prove to be a transient choice. A decent partner would have realised that it was selfish to be demanding that of you and sought counselling or therapy so he could be supported that way and continue to support you during an incredibly difficult and scary time.

It won’t be an easy conversation, but at some point you are either going to have to talk to him about how lopsided things are and have been, and the need to get back onto a more equal footing, or you’re going to have to leave for your own wellbeing. The recent steps are all well and good, but he’s still relying on you to drive him forward, and making you responsible for his mental health. That’s just not on.

You are not being selfish. You have a duty to look after yourself and this sounds absolutely draining. I think it's a sad reflection of how men are socialised to show no weakness except to their romantic partner!

If you are the type of person who always puts themselves last (and if you have stuck around for 2.5 years I think you might be), look at it as putting your own life jacket before you help anyone else like that tell you to in plane emergency info. What can YOU do to help yourself? If it's leaving after 2.5 yrs I wouldn't blame you. You can always plan to come back when you're feeling stronger.

I don't expect you to answer this question on a public forum op , but I'd possibly be wondering if his character has something to do with why his daughter doesn't want to see him. I could be wrong but it's worth considering.

And no ,you're not selfish. The older I get , the less patience I have with people that talk themselves around in circles and refuse to get professional help. They must realise that their behaviour has a negative impact on those around them. I also fail to see what his daughter has to do with his failing business. Sounds like a pity party to me.

1. he is doing regular exercise and eating well to help the physical side - This is what I do and it has helped massively
2. I wish most men had a partner like you who keep supporting through this , most men would not suffer in silence. My ex left me with our child whilst I went through the worst depression episode and knew her and the kid was the only reason I seeked help and kept going with life.

He has point blank refused counselling, going to the GP anything that involves a professional person.

Says it all really. He doesn't want to be fixed but he wants mummy (you) to make life okay again. OP, he is an adult and needs to take some responsibility himself and after this length of time he needs to involve those who can actually help him. And that's not you. You aren't trained in MH problems, or medical problems, and being supportive in other ways hasn't worked.

The fact he has been so self absorbed is probably why his DD refuses to see him. She "sees" him for who he really is and maybe it's time you took off your own blinkers. A taker.

Hi all,

thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I will be taking a little time to think things through (I know 2.5years is ages) but personally I am not going to rush but I really am taking on board that actually it is not ok to live like this and something has to change. thanks everyone for opening my eyes and the reassurance I am not being selfish

I think working from home in this situation is draining for you.
Can you go in the office a little and tell a white lie to him that its mandatory
Just to give you a little breathing space

You need to change the conversation. Depression is one of the most selfish and self absorbed illnesses there is and one person cannot absorb another persons misery none stop for an infinite amount of time.

Next time he tries to offload. Tell him you don't have the bandwidth right now to hear it and he needs to book a professional to help him.

You're not being selfish, he is! He's only just started taking responsibility for his physical health and still won't get any proper help for his mental health. Instead, he's dumping it all on you each day.

Tell him it's getting too much and you won't be listening to him anymore. If he's struggling, he needs to speak to a professional.

Of course you should be providing emotional support as his partner but it feels like it's gone beyond that. He's just dumping all his shit on you constantly.

What about you? What emotional support has he given you after everything you've been through? So sorry to hear about your cat by the way.

I'd end the relationship, it doesn't seem to be serving you.

You are not selfish, I would say you are at burnout with it all. My DH has had depression and they change personality don't they? My DH used to snap at me and take to his bed for days, which meant I had to look after two young children on my own. I got very resentful, others were "poor DH" and I wanted to scream, "what about me?"

I think it's line in the sand time, maybe it's time for the ultimatum? Get professional help, because I have nothing more to give to it, or we will probably separate.

I would have lost my shit with him, long before this. He is totally selfish not to seek help for himself. He has ignored a trauma in your life, and still pours out all his crap to you. You should consider yourself a saint for putting up with him.

I have a lot to think through....

It definitely gets worse over the summer when his daughter is back from Uni and the nature of his work slows down. But still... I dont want to dread certain times of year do I.

I think there has to be an ultimatum. I think I was too gentle with my previous one, I said 'if you wont get professional help please share with your friends and family, I dont have capacity to carry any more especially at the moment whilst I am grieving my cat' Which he has done and had dinner with a friend last night and from what he said sharing how he felt was really helpful. He also didnt come home and share everything with me which is what I thought would happen (I also didnt probe) but I was gentle. It just takes alot for me to reach a boiling point and be less gentle....

but this is all good fuel for me. We are going on a holiday in a week. I will be maxing out on relaxation (booked myself a massage!) and have lots of books to read. This will give me a chance to reflect and rest ready to be stronger in my convictions when home.

I'm so glad to hear you're taking things on board.
I jsut wanted to repeat some of the things that have already been said, because I agree with previous posters.

You do not have to live like this.
Your partner is choosing to refuse professional help for a very real mental health problem. Meanwhile, his refusal has lead to you carrying the burden of his mental health all on your own.
He lacks ownership and accountability for what's been happening to both of you.
Imagine that instead of a depression he had broken his leg, and now 2,5 years later he had still refused to go to A&E, has refused to see a doctor, refused to get the bones set, refused a cast or crutches... But because he can't walk he now expects you to wheel him around in a wheelchair and carry all the household tasks on your own because he can't walk.

People can't just refuse help and then expect others to make up for the things they can no longer do.

And that's coming from someone who's partner suffered from a very real and very bad depression a few years ago, who also refused professional help for a long time. My patience ran out after a year, at which point I gave him the choice between getting help or moving out.

He has point blank refused counselling.

Really? Well you should point blank refuse him NOT going to counselling. That would be my ultimatum. I wasted 5 years of my life in a relationship where my ex refused counselling and I was all softly-softly with him. Things didn't improve. It's not your job to fix him. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who is emotionally healthy. Now we all go through challenges in life, that's why we get the professional help we need, when we need it.

Untreated mental illness can be your hill to die on.

He refuses medical treatment.

You can refuse to stay with someone who won't get necessary mental health care.

Was he a good father to his daughter? Why has she gone NC? Does he deserve it? To be honest men don't need much excuse to inflict "depression" on their wives and wallow in never ending fucking self pity.

He’s the selfish one. May be something to do with his daughter going NC

He's dragging you down with him.

I'd really struggle to cope with that and the fact he's refused professional help.

Can you go for a walk at lunchtime or go out and run some errands? You can't spend your lunchbreak endlessly listening to him. He won't like it but it might break the habit he has of sounding off to you. Tell him you can't listen to him for so long anymore and that he needs to find proper counselling. If he still refuses or takes things out on you then I think you know you need to walk away.

You do NOT have to stay with someone who is not making you happy, whatever issues they do or don’t have. This x 100 if they are not actively seeking medical or therapeutic help.

just in response to this I know it will appear that I am defending him but from my position he is a great dad, when him and his ex separated they remained really good friends and still are. He has always provided a good stable transition to their separation, seeing both of his daughters all the time,

when I came onto the scene both girls spent the first 5 years or so almost every weekend at my house (where my partner had moved in) they both stayed over all the time and we did loads of things together, cinema shopping etc. His oldest then went to Uni so it was just his youngest around and everything remained the same loads of happy times together doing fun things.

the change came when his youngest turned 18 at all at the same time lots happened, him and his ex agreed they would sell the family home, house went on the market, I had surgery and treatment, and just before fathers day that year she sent a message saying she was going no contact. So whilst she was doing A Levels the house was for sale (my partner wanted to leave it but his ex wanted to get on with it as she had a house lined up). He split the equity with his ex at 70% in her favour to help her buy a lovely house outright that their mum and both girls live in.

Since his youngest went to uni, she hasnt contacted, they only communication is through her mum when she needs money for flat deposits or extra spending money on holidays. My partner has tried to communicate, has always done xmas and bday messages and presents etc and a few messages and letters in between.

I am not a mum and I dont have great examples of parents but I havent seen any behaviour that would make me think he is a terrible Dad and to have 5 years of loveliness with both girls, then a couple of years 1-2-1 whilst Uni for the first DD so that 7 years of good times, to now 2.5 years of nothing is really tough.

BUT NOT EXCUSABLE for his behaviour, I know that now thanks to you!

Hi OP

It's not a partnership if one person always gives and one person always takes. It's not a partnership if one person won't do anything to help themselves and expects the other to provide counselling, advice, care, support, direction etc without giving anything back. Of course there are sometimes long periods where one person gives and one takes in a long relationship but its not selfish to not be ok living like this indefinitely.

What does he currently bring to your relationship? What support does he give you when youre going throigh a hard time? What do you think he will bring to your relationship in the future? What do you want your relationship to look like?

Are you saying he still financially supports his daughter even though she doesn't speak to him? What did she say her reasons were for going NC? What does his ex say about it? Is he actively doing anything to improve things (based on what his daughter said were the issues?)

Has he spoken to his ex partner or other child to find out why she won't speak to him x

I have been in a similar situation. In my situation, I personally found the "doom narrative" something I couldn't overcome and my then partner was too set into it to be able to see out of it. In supporting him, I lost myself. It felt really hard to advocate for myself as I was worried that it would make things worse. i kept saying to myself "it's not him, it's the illness".

I really hate depression.

(Doom narrative to me means "I'm not worthy, the person I love doesn't really love me, so I retreat further and despite the support offered, I do not think anything will ever get better, so I start to treat people badly to test how much they say they love me, and when they react, it confirms I am not worthy")

So in answer to the daughter questions.

Yes - he sill financially supports his daughter through Uni as he did with his eldest and doesnt want to do anything differently to ensure its fair. This is in the form of a monthly payment of £300 and things like flat deposits and vouchers for super markets, driving lessons and contact lenses.

In response to asking his ex and eldest DD - he has done this several times over the years. Eldest daughter hates being caught in the middle and has asked not to be involved. His ex has no idea why the youngest DD is behaving this way and has tried on many occasions to discuss with her but it hasnt made any difference.

In her message saying she was going no contact she said she felt their personalities were too different for them to be compatible in a father daughter relationship (they are quite similar in some aspects and more alike that the eldest DD!) and that she felt stressed being around him because they were different. The only disagreement I know of is my partner used the wrong pro nouns for someone when we were watching a tv series together, it happened twice and she was quite upset.