Feeling very selfish because of my partners depression

[haribo1989]

My partner has not been diagnosed but has been what I imagine to be depressed for about 2.5 years (there are some good days too) but was all triggered by his daughter turning 18 and deciding she didnt want to have contact with him - he has two daughters and the older one is fine and more than happy to spend time with us. But this really triggered something dark inside him and it means that when other things dont go quite right (struggling with his business, not having enough money, family issues, even if we have a small disagreement) he goes into a very dark place.

I have tried many things, obviously talking with him whenever he is able, trying to put practical things in place, suggesting different grounding techniques etc. So far in 2.5 years and very recently I have made the tiniest bit of progress. He has point blank refused counselling, going to the GP anything that involves a professional person. But he has downloaded a book for his kindle which he has started to read, he has agreed to finally tell a friend what he has been going through (they are meeting tonight) and he is doing regular exercise and eating well to help the physical side. All good and all steps in the right direction.

BUT - I am utterly exhausted and flagging myself, he is a talker but only talks to me. As an example, we both WFH and take an hour for a walk at lunch. Every lunch time is an hour of discussing his business, why its not working, why is he such a failure etc - I have suggested lots of things - but his mindset always comes back to his youngest child not wanting to see him which must mean he is a failure. I dont want to be mean or horrible but I am so frustrated, tired, exhausted of dealing with the same thing every day. I put myself through 6 counselling sessions from work which helped but that was a year ago and I still practice the techniques now.

2.5 years ago when this all started was when I had just had a operation to remove a cancerous tumour, had my recovery - all good now but I feel like I havent had much time to process myself (this is crazy right?) also 4 weeks ago I had to put my beautiful old lady cat to sleep so I am struggling. Today because he is going out for dinner with a friend to talk about stuff - he is in a dark place and seems to be taking it out on me. I am so tired of this but at a loss of what to do next. any ideas/advice/thoughts

In answer to the relationship questions:

In the good times when we are not sitting in the 'doom cloud' he is so funny and fun loving and spontaneous, we really enjoying spending time doing the smallest of things and doing big life adventures together. He is a really interesting human and we spend ages talking about all sorts of things. He is kind and caring and very supportive and and whilst I am not good at accepting being looked after but he has taught me its ok to be more vulnerable. he truely can be the best person to spend time with and I treasure those times.

obviously the doom cloud comes and it hangs over the whole house and it all changes....

Hi I am going through the same thing at the moment, although my husband had such a bad episode I ended up calling the Crisis team and he has been being seen by them for the last couple of weeks. He has normally had sessions with them individually but I went into his final session as I didn't think he was taking the treatment seriously. The Crisis nurse backed me up completely, that if they don't take responsibility for their own treatment there is little point in continuing to enable the behaviour because they will just carry on. He somehow has managed to remember to make an appointment to get the doctor to sign him off sick from work and look up early retirement on ill health grounds, but as the crisis nurse said, the only point in going off sick is to take the time to get better. Not to wallow some more. If a trained professional hadn't said that in my presence I would have felt guilty and selfish saying it to him.
My husband kept coming up with excuses all the time and the crisis nurse knew straight away what he was doing. Have given him a deadline to take his meds and engage with therapy from the CMH team (and then the job coach with a view to getting back to work) otherwise he moves out. Problem is he hasn't got a job so we will have to sell the house and I don't want to do it while the kids are doing exams, but I know I have a time limit on it so I'm not throwing my life away for someone who wont engage in treatment. In your position I would stop feeling guilty and tell him what he has to do, the consequences of not doing it, and stick to it. I've realised the pandering, pussyfooting, enabling and excusing just makes it worse.

After your holiday get him told to get his arse down to the gp for some antidepressants or youre off.

You cannot support this feeling sorry for himself any longer. He needs meds end of. Hes being selfish.

As for the daughter, Im sure the ex knows more about this than shes letting on. Do you ever speak to the daughter? Can you invite her round or anything? Is she transitioning herself and doesn’t think her dad will support her? I’d want to get to the bottom of it all. There must be a reason. I’d be tempted to tell the girl that her dads been heavily depressed for over two years, a shadow of his former self, all because of her not wanting to see him and he doesn’t know why and can she kindly explain it to you because he can’t and you thought he was a good dad and what has he done to offend so much?

I’ve had a bad experience with my ex husband’s “depression”. Like yours he refused to do anything about it, instead preferring to dump it on me. It took me too long to realise it was about pity and attention not depression.

You should stop these walks and reclaim your lunch hour. Your break is for you, it’s not his time to take to use you as a free counsellor while he refuses to see someone. Is there any truth in what he’s saying about his business being a failure? If so, what’s he doing about that?

It is absolutely awful he’s been doing this to you for the last few years and feels entitled to make your lunch hour all about him. He has decided it’s your job to make him feel better.

@TalulahJP I completely agree regarding getting to the bottom of this with the youngest. Unless they are both attention seeking and both up and down emotionally