If you had low self esteem and now you have high self esteem...

[Needmoresleeporcoffee]

How did you do it?
I used to have what I think was just normal self esteem and felt good about myself but for years now my self esteem has been poor and I'm not sure why.
I've had therapy (many different approaches) but still struggling with it.
I struggle with how over-sexualised everything in the media is and images of beautiful, youthful women everywhere and I just don't feel good about myself.
I feel insecure, jealous, unworthy.
How can I change all that? Because I really want to feel at ease in society and not be the clingy, pathetic mess that I feel when we are out in public.
We were at an even at the weekend and beautiful people everywhere and I felt old, insignificant and like I couldn't 'compete'. I know it's not a competition but I feel like I could spend a week pampering myself and still feel shabby.
I feel exhausted with it all and it's caused problems in my marriage before but I feel like I'm drowning in a world filled with sex, porn, cheating and I feel like I'm not enough.

I just want to not have all this bother me but it does. If you navigate this world and none of it bothers you how? I want to change.

In your specific case, I’d focus on how advertising is making you feel exactly how it wants you to feel— unhappy with yourself, ugly, unworthy etc. A multi-billion industry is dedicating huge amounts of money to monetising the poor self-image it has worked on creating in you.

How do you go about feeling good about yourself when everything you see is actively telling you you're not enough? I want to learn. I think the advertising and online-ness of society definitely isn't helping.
It's also every day out and about society too though. I've tried all sorts of things to work on myself and nothing seems to stick. I just want to feel happy in myself but I don't feel I measure up to the rest of the world and I don't know why.
I have OCD and one of my 'tics' (for want of a better word) is that DH will cheat. I become hypervigilent and notice beautiful women everywhere. It's utterly exhausting. My insecurities loop round in my head and feed my OCD.

I would exercise - weights specifically with a recommended PT, or do couch 2 5km. Self esteem comes from within not externally - physiologically you body chemistry shifts with exercise which then shifts your mood - especially if you are doing something progressive like a programme - YOUR accomplishments and achievements will authentically build your confidence. I would drop the therapy - it looks like it’s counterproductive rumination - get out of your head and into your experiential body.

@Needmoresleeporcoffee that sounds miserable for you. I'm surprised that the counselling you have had hasn't got to the bottom of why you feel so self-critical. Usually that comes from a source that is someone else's opinion that we have internalised. Often it is a critical parent or could be a critical "friendship group" at school or other key person in our life.

You are not your insecurities or the critical voice, these are just thoughts that you are having and you are letting those thoughts become your reality. You are creating an environment of self-torture, criticism and negative comparison that actually only exists inside your own mind.

I follow "thechrishinton" on instagram and youtube and I think he is very helpful. He has a website as well. His free resources really help you understand that you are not the voices / thoughts inside your mind. I have no connection or relation to him in anyway at all, I have just found him helpful myself.

I totally agree with you that the relentless message women get that everything revolves around their appearance can actually destroy self worth.
I agree with pp who advises exercise having a very positive effect on mental health and definitely makes you feel better about yourself.
I also think social media is a real negative. If you stop looking at these " perfect" women and put your energy into things that enhance your life - reading? painting? gardening? etc etc - then you aren't constantly comparing yourself to others.
And remember so many of these so called " beautiful people" have extremely unhappy personal lives. They have their own insecurities.

I have suffered with low self esteem my entire life. I remember my Mum saying to me once that I wasn't beautiful. Boy that's stuck with me and I am now 51!

To be honest, it's only in the last 1.5yrs, since meeting my partner, that I have felt worthy. I still get a lot of moments of self doubt. I weighed myself this morning and saw I had gained another 4Ib (blasted HRT). But occasionally I will catch my partner looking at me .... and he will say "my god, you're beautiful" .... and you know what, I'm starting to believe him.

Your wasting far too much energy focusing on everyone else, in a shallow and vein type of way.
Being happy has absolutely nothing to do with the way you look, it's how you feel that matters.
I am healthy and glad to be alive, that's enough for me.
I am attracted to people who are kind loving and thoughtful, who are easy to be around regardless of their looks.
I feel no envy, or jealously whatsoever if seeing a beautiful person, l think good for them, but l bet they're no happier than me.
Looks can fade but a kind loving heart never will.
Stop comparing, validate yourself, your good enough.
I don't watch tv or follow social media, most of it is weak watered down crap.
I admire people who make a real difference, people who dedicate their lives helping other human beings and animals, who are genuinely trying to make this world a better place.
That's what you should be concerning yourself with, the bigger picture.
Sadly we live in a society that profits off people hating themselves when all we have to do is say I'm enough, and actually believe it.

Some excellent advice above that I can’t say better. But I think the problem here is at the end of your post where you say it's causing problems in your marriage and you feel like you’re not enough. Is that feeling coming from within you or is your partner making you feel that way?

come off social media. No Facebook insta or anything. Just Mumsnet.
stop watching stuff and don’t bother with all the shite influencers spouting their crap. Does a 22 year old with a trout pout really think she can tell me anything, huh, bog off hun.

Just decide what you need to do to make yourself look better. Maybe it’s get a trim or a new top or something that will make you look better or maybe it’s going to the gym or walking for an hour daily to tone up so you feel better from inside.

does your partner say anything negative about how you look? Does he watch these social media trout pouters? Is it him making you feel your fears about things are real?

The way I did this was to get busy with my own work, interests and hobbies. Volunteer. Study. Do something you love every day that is nothing to do with how you look -garden, swim, run, draw, belly dancing (by God those women have confidence!)

Doing things you enjoy, can immerse yourself in and do well at makes you realise how unimportant looks are and reduces the amount of time you can spend stewing on how you look.

I don't know how old you are OP, but you are younger today that you will ever be. In thirty years time you will look back and realise how bloody gorgeous, vital and full of beans you were today and will wish you'd realised it now.

Affirmations are useful, I say to myself every single day ‘I love and approve of myself, I am amazing just as I am’.

If I hear a negative thought creeping in I correct it with the above affirmations.

We do have control over our thoughts and we do not have to believe or listen to the negative ones. The brain thinks that’s what it does but you can reprogram it to think nice thoughts rather than negative ones.

But the vast majority of younger beautiful women are just normal, lovely people. They will enjoy your company and not care at all what you look like. Why do you care what other people look like as they almost certainly don’t care what you look like!

imho worrying about your DH cheating must have different roots (and really has nothing to do with your appearance anyway). Has he cheated on you before?

agree with pp exercising can improve your mental health and self esteem massively.

To answer some questions: I'm mid 50s, old enough that I should be past all this by now but the world seems to have changed so much that I'm struggling to keep up.
I don't have social media any more, I deleted it during the pandemic.
A previous partner cheated on me so that is one reason why I'm like this but I don't think it's the whole of it.
I don't think DH has cheated BUT when we are out and about he looks at other women. I'm so tuned into it I see his eyes glance and there is always a beautiful young woman in the direction he's looking at. If we pass one in the street when he's driving he looks in his mirrors at them etc. It makes me feel shit.
We've had all the conversations/arguments and he says he isn't doing it but he is.
Even last night on TV we were having a chat and I was sat next to him and his eyes shot to the TV and a young beautiful woman in gym clothes on the TV, straight away I feel fucking miserable He won't change. I know the answer will be to leave him. Everything else is great though. If only I could make myself not mind but I do.
I'm not unattractive in the slightest and I have a good figure but I know this isn't really relevant. I just feel I'm retreating more and more into myself and my OCD which has been under control is spiralling again.

Being blunt, exercise. Also/combined with Being outdoors. Being strong is amazing. I am old but working on it!

I think people look at other people. Probably more so young attractive people. I think it’s actually quite hard not to. If it’s just a glance to me that’s different to following around the room or keep glancing over your shoulder etc.

I don't think the answer is to leave your DP @Needmoresleeporcoffee unless there are other things that bother you about him. Or, if you can't or won't trust him, then I don't think it is fair of you to be with him and always be suspicious of his behaviour. Unless he has given you reason to be suspicious, then you shouldn't be treating him like a suspect in a potential unfaithfulness crime. That is no way for either of you to be happy.

People will look at other people and we are more likely to look at attractive people. I will look at a handsome man appreciatively but I'm not leering or thinking I want to be with him. I'm just appreciating his attractiveness. In the same way I will admire cute babies, or gorgeous dogs. I don't want them, I just like the look for them.

Is your DP leering? Is he being a pervert when he looks at attractive women or is he just looking? If he is just looking then there probably isn't much you can do about it.

I guess the question you need to ask yourself is why do you care so much who he looks at. It sounds like you are trying to control him out of being unfaithful, by insisting that he doesn't look at attractive women. But that is impossible. I suspect that even if you could achieve him not looking at other women ever, it wouldn't solve your own anxiety, you would find something else, because this isn't about your DP, it is about the narrative running in your own mind.

I think picking up your husband on looking at beautiful women all the time is not going to end well. I think it’s something we can’t help doing. I do it, my husband does it. As long as it’s just a casual look and not leering at someone or flirting. Loving someone and committing your life to them is so above the physical appearances. If he is flirting with attractive women or cheating on you or saying he wishes you looked like that then you’re better off withOUT him. But just looking? I think you need to stop trying to change this as I think it’s only natural to look at and appreciate beauty. Saying that, if someone has an over the top look (trout pout, excessive make up etc) I think he’d be looking and thinking thank goodness my wife doesn’t look like that.

Put down your phone and do something interesting and useful that makes you feel proud of yourself.

I could have written this. I also have OCD and have had so much therapy over the years and am still having some now. I just cannot whatsoever seem to feel good.

My situation is made worse by the fact I can’t exercise, when I really want to. This is due to long term health conditions. Plus the fact my husband has taken up more exercise, has lost loads of weight and gained muscle and is more attractive. It feels as if my ‘attractiveness’ has got less while his has increased. I’ve no reason to doubt him but I absolutely feel convinced it will get to the point I’ll no longer be enough (because of what I can’t do) or that I’ll be too much for him. I also get worried he will connect with other, fitter, healthier, more attractive women at the activities he now does and it’s taking so much to not let that affect our relationship in the here and now.

I’m also perimenopausal and that isn’t helping. Some people get to that ‘don’t give a fuck’ stage, but it seems to be eluding me!

I had crippling low self-esteem for over 20 years, but now feel very confident, proud, as though I can comfortably hold my own in any situation, and if I can't I have the confidence to recognise that the problem isn't me. I recognise my weaknesses, and I'm not hugely concerned by them.

What changed?

I got a new job, having been freelancing. This kept me out of the house, socialising a lot, and ultimately off the internet for the majority of my day. I've been doing things that I believe in and am proud of, and working really hard for them.

I became a mum. This took the focus completely off me and on to the little one. Despite that fact that my body is significantly rounder now, I'm much more confident.

I also find that I don't have the time to feel self-conscious anymore, eg. I have quite thin hair on the top of my head, and simply can't be bothered to think about it everyday and continue exploring solutions, I have just forgotten it and trust that overall I am still beautiful. Who's got the strength?

I also just got older, more secure in myself. I know myself better, and have come to know myself better by putting myself in different situations. It takes plenty of bravery!

How old are you? It sounds like you are searching for your validation from others, but ultimately it comes from yourself. You are the one living your life. Could you go for a spa day, or give yourself a day of pampering at home, with only yourself in mind? Spas are to make you feel good and healthy, not your husband. Could you go to the gym because it makes you feel good and full of endorphins? It's not so that you can look "better" than the lady next to you. You don't need to participate in this "race" with others.

What different therapeutic approaches have you tried and for how long?
What was your childhood like?
What is/was your parents relationship like?
Do you have a critical inner voice?

Exercise has helped me as has getting hair done and new clothes and generally investing in myself. I’m still bigger than I’d like to be but I feel good for the exercise.

For me exercise helped massively and gave me a confidence boost, I work hard and treat myself to some nice bits, like nice bath and body stuff, I have a Weekly pamper night and buy myself some nice clothes every few months, I used to be quiet and shy and now I am confident and kind and it shows and has helped in lots of areas in my life, I started to prioritise me a bit more at first it was hard but so worth it, spend a bit of time doing things you love and be kind to yourself.

By decentering men to another planet.

The more a country spends on advertising the worse the mental health is in that country. it's evil and designed to make us feel bad so we buy things, and it works.
Of course you are going to feel bad about yourself if you focus on comparing yourself to others, so stop doing it.
Confirmation bias means you look for evidence for what you are thinking and focus on that. Then when you see someone who is more beautiful than you a negative spiral of thinking starts.
Take some time to start to notice what thoughts crop up remember thoughts are not facts. Then start to practice changing those thoughts, there are lots of CBT techniques you can use such as STOPP, thought challenging, distraction, grounding, compasdion etc
When you go out, look for something different instead, not how many people are less attractive than you because that's not healthy either. Something like noticing what hairstyles are popular or shoes or clothes, anything to change your thoughts pattern. There are lots of resources online or books you can use to help you.