If you had low self esteem and now you have high self esteem...

[Needmoresleeporcoffee]

How did you do it?
I used to have what I think was just normal self esteem and felt good about myself but for years now my self esteem has been poor and I'm not sure why.
I've had therapy (many different approaches) but still struggling with it.
I struggle with how over-sexualised everything in the media is and images of beautiful, youthful women everywhere and I just don't feel good about myself.
I feel insecure, jealous, unworthy.
How can I change all that? Because I really want to feel at ease in society and not be the clingy, pathetic mess that I feel when we are out in public.
We were at an even at the weekend and beautiful people everywhere and I felt old, insignificant and like I couldn't 'compete'. I know it's not a competition but I feel like I could spend a week pampering myself and still feel shabby.
I feel exhausted with it all and it's caused problems in my marriage before but I feel like I'm drowning in a world filled with sex, porn, cheating and I feel like I'm not enough.

I just want to not have all this bother me but it does. If you navigate this world and none of it bothers you how? I want to change.

I've been where you are OP with the OCD type intrusive thoughts and inability to stop the spiralling about being cheated on and not feeling good enough. It's awful and debilitating, I'm sorry you're going through it.

Here's what I did:

Had counselling to get to the root of where the feelings of unworthiness were coming from and why I felt like my appearance was all I had going for me.

Realised that validation needs to come from within me, not from other people.

Realised that my worth doesn't come from being considered attractive by men.

Became secure in myself, so the idea of being cheated on/left doesn't scare me any more.

Focused on my achievements, not just my appearance.

Only followed content on social media that makes me feel good about myself.

Exercised regularly because it makes me feel good, not because it makes me look good.

Had other things to keep my mind occupied, like kids, work & hobbies (I joined a book club!)

And probably not relevant to you, I left the abusive marriage that made me feel small and insecure in the first place.

This a really good account on Instagram which I also found helpful:

www.instagram.com/rebeccaorecoaching?igsh=MWp2aDJxdG8zOGdlaQ==

How it worked for me was to achieve success in a particular field.

Previously I was a disregarded, plain, people pleaser who was pathetically grateful for any scraps of affection. It led me to make dreadful life choices and entertain men that I shouldn't have given the time of day to. My appearance was mocked (to be fair I am, objectively, not pretty) and I was scraping along trying to be all things to all people.

Then I attained a measure of success in my profession and I gained a high profile. Suddenly people wanted to listen to me, they wanted to associate with me to get some 'fame by association'. And I gained a huge measure of self worth from knowing that there was SOMETHING I was good at!

Now when I get mocked or my appearance is remarked on (I am mistaken for a man on a surprising number of occasions), I can smile inwardly and think 'don't you know who I AM?' Which, of course, I never say out loud, my self esteem isn't THAT high.

So my advice would be to find something you are good at, OP, and lean into it.

I got old and realised my worth wasn’t based on what I looked like or how big and perky my breasts were. My friends don’t love me because I’m gorgeous they love me because I’m kind and make them laugh.

If people would like you better if you were beautiful aren’t they really rather superficial?