Husband is so angry and not coping

blueelephant7 · 2025-09-01T19:44:53+00:00

I have spoken with him tonight about his anger and he admits he is feeling very easily frustrated at the moment and is struggling to manage his emotions. He is feeling stressed about money because he is the only one earning much at the moment, he is sleep deprived as we have a 6 month old who still wakes twice in the night and although I get up, he wakes up with the baby monitor, he is stressed about our middle daughter who has additional needs and tries his patience and he’s at his wits end. I don’t know what to do, he says he loves me and isn’t planning to leave but just isn’t coping at the moment with the stress of life, he loses his cool really quickly. He told me that he is worried about his temper as he doesn’t know what he’s capable of but he won’t seek help because he’s afraid that a trip to the doctors might trigger a social service referral and he might lose the children. I don’t know how to help him, He just feels under so much pressure and is literally at breaking point. We have 3 children and he was desperate for the third but it’s just crippled us and he is on the verge of a breakdown. We have a child who is very strong willed and oppositional and when she says no or refuses to do something, he looks like he just can’t take this anymore.

Nightmanagerfan · 01/09/2025 20:46

He could pat for private psychotherapy?

MotherJessAndKittens · 01/09/2025 20:47

The doctor would be more concerned about his low mood and not coping. Could you go with him? Is there a chance he could be signed off work for a week or two?

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 20:50

It sounds like you and your partner have a lot going on.

A real positive here is that your husband was able to tell you how he was feeling and let you know before he was at a breaking point.

I appreciate that money is an issue here and that this may not be possible, but is there any way that he could take a few days off and go and stay with some family/friends?

Smaller, but is there another room he could sleep in away from the baby monitor? I know you do the hard work, but he is struggling with his mental health. A few full nights of sleep can often work miracles. It will also communicate to him that you care about him - which you obviously do!

I wonder if he needs a little time to himself? Having a 6 month old in addition to your lovely family is a blessing, but as we all know, with every change to family dynamics we need space to get used to the changes.

What normally helps your husband to deal with stress? If you’re not sure, maybe ask him?

I also wonder what your support network is like and what you need when you’re stressed? We need to make sure we look after you so you can look after him.

TeenLifeMum · 01/09/2025 20:54

My starting point would be to find a way he can get 3 nights of good sleep in a row (might be staying at a friend’s/family member. I think that sleep is a huge factor here. Then have a conversation about how he’s feeling following sleep.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 01/09/2025 20:56

Nightmanagerfan · 01/09/2025 20:46

He could pat for private psychotherapy?

The OP has just said he is worrying about money.

Original poster

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 20:58

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 20:50

It sounds like you and your partner have a lot going on.

A real positive here is that your husband was able to tell you how he was feeling and let you know before he was at a breaking point.

I appreciate that money is an issue here and that this may not be possible, but is there any way that he could take a few days off and go and stay with some family/friends?

Smaller, but is there another room he could sleep in away from the baby monitor? I know you do the hard work, but he is struggling with his mental health. A few full nights of sleep can often work miracles. It will also communicate to him that you care about him - which you obviously do!

I wonder if he needs a little time to himself? Having a 6 month old in addition to your lovely family is a blessing, but as we all know, with every change to family dynamics we need space to get used to the changes.

What normally helps your husband to deal with stress? If you’re not sure, maybe ask him?

I also wonder what your support network is like and what you need when you’re stressed? We need to make sure we look after you so you can look after him.

Well our support network isn’t great as we grew up in a coastal town with no job prospects so moved to the city which means family are over an hour away and we rarely get much chance to see them.
He can take annual leave but he likes to save that for holidays which he will say are a priority as that’s what he lives for.
I have suggested time to himself. He used to play golf but doesn’t seem interested anymore.

OP posts:

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/09/2025 21:01

The anger sounds a lot like a by product of depression and or anxiety. An intense feeling of frustration and being on the edge all the time can feel a lot like anger.

His first step needs to be seeing a doctor a out antidepressants, not anger management. See if he can get himself feeling a little more level. An attempt for better sleep would help also.

How are you?

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 21:04

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 20:58

Well our support network isn’t great as we grew up in a coastal town with no job prospects so moved to the city which means family are over an hour away and we rarely get much chance to see them.
He can take annual leave but he likes to save that for holidays which he will say are a priority as that’s what he lives for.
I have suggested time to himself. He used to play golf but doesn’t seem interested anymore.

Show quote history

I’d encourage him to go and stay with family for a few days and have a really good rest and relax.

I know he likes to save the days for holiday, but tell him you’ll have plenty of trips together when you’re back at work too.

Is there anywhere else for him to sleep in your home?

Original poster

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:09

I’m feeling much the same way I always did.
He’s 38 and says he thinks he’s going to have a heart attack soon.

OP posts:

LadyRoughDiamond · 01/09/2025 21:10

The fact that he is no longer interested in something that he usually enjoys (golf), alongside his feelings of anxiety, does suggest depression. I’d suggest that he speaks to his GP focusing on how he feels overwhelmed by life at the moment.

cestlavielife · 01/09/2025 21:11

He needs to see gp
They not going to take kids away when one parent is fine

Original poster

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:15

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 21:04

I’d encourage him to go and stay with family for a few days and have a really good rest and relax.

I know he likes to save the days for holiday, but tell him you’ll have plenty of trips together when you’re back at work too.

Is there anywhere else for him to sleep in your home?

Show quote history

There’s not really apart from an arm chair or the corner sofa which is far from comfortable.
I have suggested he book a hotel in our home town and spend some time at the beach and with his parents but he won’t and I know it’s because he feels he shouldn’t.

OP posts:

oreopanda · 01/09/2025 21:16

OP are you based in the UK? Whilst I was on maternity leave last year the health visitors told me about the under 19s service - basically support for children and parents. They prioritise parents of under 2 year olds so I would speak to your health visitors and ask what help is available for your husband if they have a similar service. My husband went to speak to one of their counsellors a few times and it seemed to help when we were in the weeds. It might also be good for you to speak to someone too, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate at the moment.

Original poster

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:17

The thing is he needs a break but because of the situation he’s telling himself he must work harder

OP posts:

Notmyreality · 01/09/2025 21:17

TeenLifeMum · 01/09/2025 20:54

My starting point would be to find a way he can get 3 nights of good sleep in a row (might be staying at a friend’s/family member. I think that sleep is a huge factor here. Then have a conversation about how he’s feeling following sleep.

Agreed. This is key. Can you not swap the corner sofa for a sofa bed? Is there really no other room/options?

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 21:17

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:15

There’s not really apart from an arm chair or the corner sofa which is far from comfortable.
I have suggested he book a hotel in our home town and spend some time at the beach and with his parents but he won’t and I know it’s because he feels he shouldn’t.

Show quote history

You clearly have a wonderful and trusting relationship. At the same time, he sounds like he is really struggling at the moment.

Is there anyone that he listens to/trusts? Maybe you could suggest he reaches out to them?

What are the things that will help you through this time? You have a new DC and are in the thick of caring for everyone.

Original poster

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:35

I forgot to mention that apart from the baby waking twice in the night, he has had sleep problems for about a year and just can’t get off to sleep or fall back to sleep once he wakes up. I think the sleep deprivation is a massive problem for him.

OP posts:

Monvelo · 01/09/2025 21:41

My husband and a friend have both found beta blockers prescribed by the doctor very helpful ion managing anxiety. My husband had a spell of depression and the GP referred him to CBT. GP is definitely the first port of call.

AnaisVB · 01/09/2025 21:41

It’s frustrating that he’s not really accepting any of your suggestions about getting help .

Even if he had one good nights sleep away one night he would feel massively different. He could also try magnesium for sleep trouble. Can I just add that speaking to a GP will not spark a SS referral and even if it did they aren’t going to take 3 children away from a. Dad that hadn’t done anything but feels stressed and overwhelmed.
The GP can at least offer Talking Therapy and might do some blood tests , he could have an underlying condition that contributes to the stress and exhaustion .
I feel for you both sending love x

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 21:42

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:35

I forgot to mention that apart from the baby waking twice in the night, he has had sleep problems for about a year and just can’t get off to sleep or fall back to sleep once he wakes up. I think the sleep deprivation is a massive problem for him.

Has he had any support from his GP for his sleep?

That might feel a safer conversation for him to go and have with them? You could offer to go with him if he felt he needed the reassurance.

Original poster

blueelephant7 · 01/09/2025 21:49

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 21:42

Has he had any support from his GP for his sleep?

That might feel a safer conversation for him to go and have with them? You could offer to go with him if he felt he needed the reassurance.

Show quote history

He did go to the gp and was prescribed sleeping tablets but they didn’t make any difference.

OP posts:

Chocja · 01/09/2025 21:49

I think sleeping tablets and a weekend away at parents. Or could you take the dc to your parents?

I know sleeping tablets can be problematic with over use but for two night they should really help him

FrogFalacy · 01/09/2025 21:50

Op why can’t he go Gp and say he feels close to breakdown and suffering some anger issues? He doesn’t have to disclose that he feels a danger to the kids - but the fact he does actually means he should go and go soon!
Has he ever tried an antidepressant? It’s not that hard to go to GP and they will immediately be happy to prescribe him one. I think he’s making excuses

Ps sleeping tabs are highly addictive. Gps much more able to prescribe antidepressants. Antidepressants can help with sleep. He just needs to go GP

Kittyquestion12 · 01/09/2025 21:54

AnnaSunshine · 01/09/2025 20:50

It sounds like you and your partner have a lot going on.

A real positive here is that your husband was able to tell you how he was feeling and let you know before he was at a breaking point.

I appreciate that money is an issue here and that this may not be possible, but is there any way that he could take a few days off and go and stay with some family/friends?

Smaller, but is there another room he could sleep in away from the baby monitor? I know you do the hard work, but he is struggling with his mental health. A few full nights of sleep can often work miracles. It will also communicate to him that you care about him - which you obviously do!

I wonder if he needs a little time to himself? Having a 6 month old in addition to your lovely family is a blessing, but as we all know, with every change to family dynamics we need space to get used to the changes.

What normally helps your husband to deal with stress? If you’re not sure, maybe ask him?

I also wonder what your support network is like and what you need when you’re stressed? We need to make sure we look after you so you can look after him.

Agree with all of this.

Also, when mine was struggling, he did have a short run of counselling sessions. Money was also a stressor but it was worth it to have the support but for him to not need to go via the GP. Feels like something is needed.

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 01/09/2025 21:55

DP went through a stint of not being able to sleep properly, or at all. It was awful.

He was prescibed phenergan to try and help him sleep, but that didn't work so now we just buy melatonin, which should be prescribed really, though extremely hard to get as an adult, but that's really helped.

Loop earplugs and a really comfortable eye mask also help.

We also have a high needs autistic child, and while he can try everybodies patience, it is not fair for your partner to make all of your childs needs your problem, even if he hasn't already. He needs to be going to the doctors so that he can fulfil his obligation to his family to help.

He is being daft if he thinks going to the doctors about his irritability will trigger social services. He will be asked to do a questionairre which will gauge whether or not he has depression. This is routine in most doctors practices, and it will help the doctors understand a starting point, then they will offer a medication, advise him to speak to iapt and get booked in for some talking therapy, and offer a follow up appointment usually 4-6 weeks in or ask him to rebook himself so that they can do another questionairre, talk about any side effects, and work out whether the dose needs to be amended. This really is bog standard what happens when you go to the doctors with poor mental health.

I try to be sympathetic in cases of poor mental health with everybody, but I do feel like there's "the script" that a lot of men with families go off which is basically a load of excuses why going to the doctors won't help, and why their partners need to step up and do all of the childcare and all of the housework and make no requests or demands of them that I just don't fall for.

I do think the baby years are the hardest. I definitely really struggled.