Husband is so angry and not coping

[blueelephant7]

I have spoken with him tonight about his anger and he admits he is feeling very easily frustrated at the moment and is struggling to manage his emotions.
He is feeling stressed about money because he is the only one earning much at the moment, he is sleep deprived as we have a 6 month old who still wakes twice in the night and although I get up, he wakes up with the baby monitor, he is stressed about our middle daughter who has additional needs and tries his patience and he’s at his wits end.
I don’t know what to do, he says he loves me and isn’t planning to leave but just isn’t coping at the moment with the stress of life, he loses his cool really quickly.

He told me that he is worried about his temper as he doesn’t know what he’s capable of but he won’t seek help because he’s afraid that a trip to the doctors might trigger a social service referral and he might lose the children.
I don’t know how to help him, He just feels under so much pressure and is literally at breaking point.

We have 3 children and he was desperate for the third but it’s just crippled us and he is on the verge of a breakdown.

We have a child who is very strong willed and oppositional and when she says no or refuses to do something, he looks like he just can’t take this anymore.

Could you, the baby, and one of the children bunk in the main bedroom and he sleeps in the childs bedroom?

OP can you sleep in with the baby?

He needs to go back and explain. The GP will be able to give him something different

Does he wear earplugs? Or earphones playing white noise? Something to reduce the likelihood that the baby monitor disturbs him?

I also really think he should go to his GP. He isn’t going to get referred to social services for feeling depressed or angry especially if he is seeking help before he has done anything to put himself or the kids at risk. By not seeking any help he is more likely to lose the kids if he lets things escalate to the point he isn’t safe to be around them, right now he doesn’t sound unsafe just like he’s struggling and needs help so it doesn’t get to that point.

Maybe you could remind him that for you all to function as a family you both need to take care of yourself.

The old adage about put the plane oxygen mask on yourself first and then the child, as the child needs you to save it.

And in this case the family doesnt need anyone having a heart attack. Send him to his mums for the weekend and tell him to make a gp appointment. There is absolutely no way children will be removed. Utter nonsense.

Sorry but I am surprised how little there is about protecting the children. He is telling you that he is a risk to them. Yes, I have compassion for him and want him to feel better, but there is an urgent need to protect the children, based on his own expressed fears. Yes we can hope that he’s fundamentally a good and strong enough man not to do any harm, but when someone tells you they don’t trust themselves I would say believe them. All it takes is a shake or a shove, with a crack against something hard for everybody’s life to be ruined.

I think you need to separate them urgently. You need to push harder for him to stay away for some time. Assure him it’s the right thing to do, you will be fine, etc. it will be tough for you, but hopefully he can recover quickly and your children will be safer. And if he doesn’t, I think you need to get ready to be willing to call social services yourself, rather than worrying about whether a gp would.

I work with people (trying not to be outing) and deal with safeguarding a lot…. going to the GP about this absolutely wouldn’t get your kids taken away. Honestly. He must go to the GP.

Could you sleep in the same room as the baby for a while? I know it's not ideal but I did this for a while and I actually felt less stressed than when I was creeping in & out of our bedroom.

Re: counseling, does his employer offer anything as part of an employee assistance programme? I got quick, free access to 6 sessions which really helped me. They also do stress support tools.

He needs stop the bullshit excuse about SS involvement if he seeks help from.the Dr though.
It's going pop that causes problems, not being a mature responsible adult & seeking support so he can be a fully functioning parent. He knows this, surely?

Take care of yourself too OP.

Also tell him that going to the doctors is probably the best way to prevent social services involvement.

If he gets help and he's sorted, why on earth would social services need to get involved.

If he spirals, then obviously there will be safeguards put in place and that might mean a referral to social services.

Seems daft to avoid the doctors for fear of social services when going to the doctors is exactly what he needs to do to stop social services involvement.

It sounds to me like his depression is telling him to resist all efforts to help. Tbh I would book him a GP appointment. Go with him at all costs.

I hesitate to ask this because I’m so out of step with other people on this but… how far away from the baby are you? My own view is that baby monitors are only really needed for some medically specific issues or if you’re a really long way away from the baby (in a mansion or sleeping 3 floors apart or something). I slept in a different room from ds but we were about 2 metres apart and I never bothered with a baby monitor. Your dh’s sleep is clearly awful and I actually don’t think getting rid of the monitor will necessarily help very much, but it might help a little bit.

My DB was treated under crisis team for psychosis and there was no mention of socials for his kids, just treatment and support. I understand his fears around seeing the GP but they’re unfounded. On the other hand, my DB’s psychosis was triggered by severe sleep issues and he became actively suicidal. I’d urge him to go to the doctors before he finds himself in that situation.

Would sleeping separately be an option, not near the baby with ear plugs and an eye mask? Sleep deprivation plus stress is not a good combination. His mood will be massively affected by lack of sleep. Does he have any access to counselling through his work at all via occupational health? It might be quicker than an NHS IAPT referral (you can self refer to these in most places so don't necessarily need to go via the GP). His GP could also sign him off with stress temporarily to give him time to get his sleep pattern more sorted.

Honestly social services will not be interested in a father who takes responsibility and gets help because he knows he is struggling emotionally. They are far more likely to be involved if he crashes out and has a mental breakdown.

I had to give my DH an ultimatum when he was grieving, suffering with PTSD and struggling to manage his anger, he got help or moved out because the random angry outbursts about nothing and being hypercritical were not okay emotionally for me or DD1. He got help and it worked. Together still over a decade later.

As others have said, definitely back to the GP. If the first sleeping tablets haven’t worked they will try something else. There are tablets that help if you can’t go off to sleep and others that help when you can go to sleep but wake up and can’t get back to sleep.

My DH struggled with waking and not being able to go back to sleep when he was in his thirties and had a stressful management situation at work. The tablets did work. What also worked was him putting the radio on quietly as it relaxed his brain from all the intrusive thoughts. He hadn’t wanted to do it in case he disturbed me but I told him to get on with it if it helped and it did. He still struggles with it intermittently 20 years on and what helps now is a slumberband - it’s like a wide eye mask with Bluetooth so he can pop on a podcast or whatever when he wakes up and it plays into his ears (no earphones needed) and doesn’t disturb me at all.

In the short term I’d do whatever it takes to give him a couple of nights of sleeping somewhere on his own, even if that means you going in with one of the children for a bit. He also probably needs some straight talking about going to the GP - don’t take any excuses about SS. Book an appt and take him there if necessary.

Does he not get paid sick leave op? Sounds like he’s burnt out and the only cure is rest really. Invest in a good set of noise cancelling ear plugs for him for bedtime, you get ones that dim noise too for daytime.

He also needs to educate himself on the role and purpose of social services. The chances of a child being removed from your home because he’s cracking under stress are slim to zero. Maybe addressing that myth would help!

If you are using a baby monitor baby must be in separate room. Could you sleep there and encourage your DH to have early nights and maybe listen to relaxing podcasts and practice breathing. Some yoga exercises before bed could help. Let him have his own time to relax apart from the children. Encourage him to go to GP and get professional help for his anxiety.

If he’s worried about money, are there any savings you can set aside monthly so that he feels more confident about the future?

Sleep deprivation plays with your mind some more than others let him get sleep somewhere else in the house that is a start and reassess see gp as he need not suffer

What about an inflatable mattress in the sitting room? I had to sleep on one when visiting a relative and it was far more comfortable than I’d anticipated.

He could bring some light reading to relax him and I bet he’d sleep better. Even if he just had a couple of good nights, he’ll feel a lot better.

This is obviously very tough on you too. 💐