Would I Feel Better if I Just Told Him?

[HangingOnYourCloud]

I had a crush on a work acquaintance for about 18 months. We got along well and I I thought there was some chemistry between us but I didn’t and still don’t know if he’s single. I am but going through separation/divorce and was just going about my life working and looking after my kids without any hope or agenda of a relationship any time soon although I did hope I might meet someone in time.

I changed jobs and before I left, my crush wanted to talk to me, he did, but then he made no move to take my number and allowing me to walk out of his life. I don’t know whether he really isn’t bothered or if he’s just not very self confident and he bottled it. I wish I could just leave it at that but the problem is, I’ve since realised it’s not just the crush I thought it was and it turns out I’ve got these big feelings and now I can’t stop thinking about him. Would I feel better for sending an unsolicited message to him or will that just look weird and should I just leave him alone and try and get my head straight?

Agree with this

love this story 😊
Defo go for it OP !!!!
Good luck 🤞 ..

Quick question OP ..
He looked to chat to you , how did you know he was looking for you to talk to you ?

Did you go for it?
Nothing ventured nothing gained.
At least you would know one way or the other and be able to move on.

@Missj25 he sent me a message in teams while we were still working together.

I think I will have to send him an email, I don’t know how it will go down but I’m struggling with not knowing.

I think you need to find out if he’s single first, before throwing any feelings out there, just a general txt and see how it goes from there, if he’s interested you’ll know.

Yeah @dollyblue01 you’re right, I think I’ll just keep it breezy.

Can't you find an excuse to
contact him (some vague innocuous work related question) and also the usual 'how's life' type q's, to try and open a conversation- surely you don't need to put your pride on the line and declare your feelings - but can perhaps glean from his response if he's keen to pursue contact? I find it usually happens organically that way, or if his responses and close ended, you have your answer without any damage to your pride x

Yeah, I get you. I don’t think I’ll be declaring anything straight away.

Someone I used to work with (clearly we liked each other but nothing happened) messaged me 18 months after I left.

we’ve now been together for 10 years

Great bit of advice I've ever been given is that if he wants to date you/he fancies you, you will be in no doubt. I believe this 100%.

Men have toppled religions, given up thrones and started wars for love.

I came to these conclusions after I was at a party one evening with a group of friends. At the end of the evening, one of the men asked a young lady for her number. She was also at the party but we had never met her before. She gave him a number.

It turned out that she was already in a relationship, but rather than be mature and tell him, she deliberately gave him a wrong number. This professional, intelligent, mature man was so smitten that he asked the party host to contact her and get the correct number.

That was when I realised that if a man fancies you, you will know!

You’ve got absolutely nothing to lose. If you wait till Xmas , he may not be single by then . Just go for it . Literally just ask him , if he fancies a coffee to let you know . I bet he’s to shy to ask you . Do it ! But tell us what happens 😊

Oh, just send him a quick "Hi John, How's life at X company? If you ever fancy a coffee, let me know, would be lovely to catch up!".
It will stop you wondering "what if". He may reply, he may not, but at least you will know.

I'd say wait until you've sorted the divorce/separation before doing anything other than sending a professional keep-in-touch type message. Would you want to get into a sexual relationship with you at this point in your divorce?

Why don’t you just send a lighthearted message asking if he’s got time to meet up for a coffee or after work drink some time to catch up on the gossip? Nothing to lose and at least you’ll know one way or another.

Yeah, on one hand I think it’s better left alone, but on the other, I’m really struggling with the not knowing. If I do contact him, I’ll definitely just keep it light hearted.

Just do it. You’ve got nothing to lose. I don’t know why people prefer to sit there worrying and not just get a straight answer.

I wouldn't send him a message saying that you like him, but something like you'd enjoy meeting up for a drink, if he ever wanted to. I also like @PashaMinaMio's idea about leaving it a bit, if it's only been four days (!), but I might message before Christmas in case he meets someone in the meantime.

That should be enough to signal your interest, I'd have thought? Then if he doesn't take the hint you will know your crush just got out of hand in your brain 😁

Rip off the bandaid and ask because otherwise you're going to remain in limbo for a long time. You can be breezy - as has already been suggested on this thread - or you can be direct, up to you. But either way, what is the point in sitting with these emotions? They're not making you feel good are they?

They’re not @Arlanymor, my mind is more occupied today so I’m feeling a bit better but generally I’ve felt dreadful for over a week now.

I think I might leave it for a week
of so and reach out with a ‘hi, how’s it going, are you missing me yet’ see how that goes.

You've felt dreadful for over a week and now you want to leave it yet another week to feel dreadful in too? Sorry I really don't understand this. Why not do it today? Put yourself out of your own misery - often the anticipation is worse than the reality, I find this to be true 99% of the time in life.

Are you sure these feelings are about him, and not just sadness/emotional upheaval about leaving your job, and the other people you worked with? Even if you moved for positive reasons, you can still miss what you’ve left behind.

Personally I’d wait for a bit longer, till you feel more settled in your new role. Then it would be quite legitimate to contact him and say you’re missing working with him (and others, if you need to ‘camouflage’ your message!) and suggest meeting up for an after work drink/chat/catch-up.

I’d also ask - are there no other ex-colleagues that you get on well with that you could ask about his relationship status? Someone must know if he’s involved with someone else?

Yes, everything you’ve said resonates.

Yes, I might have someone who still works there who might be able to find out more, I just think he’s a bit of a closed book. He holidays alone and talks about going out with friends on weekends so it doesn’t sound like there is anyone but that might just be what I want to think.

After reading the different threads you've made about the subject, I've changed my mind and think you should just let him be.

You are making no attempt to contact him and keep expecting him to magically contact you. You have extreme feelings for him, so much so that you can't be bothered to contact him, and finding every excuse not to do so.

TBH I think you are obsessed with the fantasy of this man, and you don't want to contact him at risk of destroying that fantasy.

I‘m just a bit scared @NowStartingOver.

Of what?

Say you message him, and ask him out for a drink. What's the absolute worst thing that can happen?

He says no, or doesn't respond at all. Then you're in exactly the same position as now, you've lost nothing, and know he's not interested so can move on.