be honest - would you really be friends with a depressed person? Cos I need a friend right now

[PeedOffandPg]

I hardly know where to start so here goes...

Today started well enough, I was quite chipper and decided to take DD out in a sling. It was the first time but I'd already been out a pram once and that had gone okay. I havent doen it much as I have mobility problems and anxiety issues. Overall I feel safe at home so spend most of my time there.

I expected to feel quite pleased with myself but actually it was nerve wracking. Would DD get sunburnt (she did have a hat on? What if the sling broke? What if I slipped? What if she was overheating and I didnt know?

DD was fine, she fell asleep and I was only out for half an hour, if that. After we got back I gave her a top and tail and a feed and during that feed I crashed, just felt NOTHING. It was scary.

I think it was me just shutting off. I was desperate to get out instead of being cooped up all day but also there is the situation with DP.

His depression/self-centredness/whatever it is has rendered him utterly useless as a partner. He comes over so I can have a shower or take me to the supermarket and thinks he deserves a medal. He cant offer me any emotional support so there's no point telling him.

I am sick of feeling like some isolated weirdo. i want to meet people, other Mums, enjoy a laugh and a moan. I love my DD to bits and am up for the challenge of being a single mum (I knew it might go that way when I got pg. I am not needy or clingy, and I dont drink smoke or have any addiction problems.

But I'm sick of pretending to be someone I'm not incase someone judges me so tell me if I'm someone you could be friends with. I might be depressed but it doesnt define me. I still have a sense of humour and am smart and respectful. I have namechanged tho till I get your replies. Then if I am feeling brave enough, I will "out" myself.

So tell me honestly, am I the kind of person you would avoid?

Yes I am the same PeedOff (tho no longer pg)who had the problems with her DP and DSD.

You sound lovely. I'd be friends with you.
Have you done anything about getting your depressions sorted? Seen your GP? There is help out there. You don't need to carry on feeling like this.

Hello PeedOff, so sorry to read you're having a tough time. I'm on the other side of the world and can't physically share a cuppa but wanted to say hi & yes if we clicked there's no reason we couldn't be friends.

I'm 5 months pg and as a first time Mum I'll probably be very paranoid and worried. There's nothing wrong with that, just open up and let others guide you.

Have you thought about joining a playgroup close by? So you can meet other Mums. Or baby massage, etc., offers from local council...

I'm sure more MNs will be along soon.

I'm off to bed now

Thank you Lyra, yes I am lucky that my GP referred me for therapy and I have AD's which i am loathe to take as i am BF. Thinking i will have to, now.

Oh yeah, wanted to add: have you seen your GP? It might just all be coming down on you at once. I'm sure all of us have our good and sad moments, it's just human. TRy to find some groups in your area, or search here. I'm sure some of us will live close to you.

Wishing you well!

I suppose i just want to meet people willing to admit in RL that it can be hard. I feel pressured to be all sparkly and "normal"

me too peed off but not for the same reason. i have had depression on and off for years and people do define you by it a little. I work really hard and have managed to build a life through it and there is no reason not to be friends with someone cause they have had a hard time. you wouldnt decide someone wasnt likeable cause they had the flu - its an illness just the same. you sound lovely mrs so just hang on in there.

I'm finding this quite a hard post to answer because it's like you've thrown out a challenge and one would have to be pretty horrible to say 'no I wouldn't be your friend'. I have absolutely no idea if I would be friends with you in RL but I think that is totally irrelevant, because what YOU need to do is take your focus off yourself and your difficulties and look around for someone who YOU would like to be friends with, not for someone who might deign to give you the time of day and to whom you should feel grateful.

The great thing about having a baby in tow is that it is a great conversation starter. You can talk to other women about their babies/children/birth stories/whether they work/SAH and while you are doing that you can be working out if any of them seem like the sort you could feel comfortable going out for a coffee with or inviting to your house.

If you give off vibes that say 'I really don't feel worthy of your friendship', people will not be drawn to you. If your vibes say 'I'm interested in you, I'm a nice, non-threatening person' you will attract good responses.

Sorry for not sugaring the pill but that's what really struck me from your OP. Good luck x

I think you really need to take your ADs
Then wehn you are feeling strong enough you need to start going to any baby groups you can find
You need to get confident taking your dd out and you need to force yourself to do that
Go to ryhme time at the library - an organised activity like that is a lot less threatening because you don't have to chat if you don't feel like it, you can just absorb yourself in your dd but it will give you confidence

great post janni - tough but true.

That's a good point, by posieflump, about organised baby activities being easier to deal with than the more non-structured parent and toddler groups.

I think you'd be surprised how many people are relieved to take off the sparkly mask of normality and just be themselves, Peedoff

You sound from our OP like any other mum with a baby and a bloke that doesnt help very much TBH. Your depression isnt jumping out at all, and had you not mentioned it I very much doubt the word would have been mentioned.
One of my best friends gets very depressed and it doesn't define him in any way. He, like you is still humourous and fun and a nice person and when hes down I really feel for him and try and prop him up, but regardeless of that hes my my friend, hes always been the way he is and it really doesnt matter.
Why do you feel like an isolated weirdo?
You got out today ok didnt you? Maybe set yourself a task of getting out to story time at the library or similar.
Good Luck.
Where are you in the world? There is a meetup site here, why not see if theres anyone local to you?

also if you are struggling a bit with all the pressure some areas have creches specially for mums who are a bit down. not a give us your kids social services thing - jsut a chance to ease the strain a little bit.

janni all that you say is true - I suppose there is a self esteem issue here. And I hadnt thought of it that way before, that I should pick my friends, not wait for them to pick me. Really made me think and see how skewed my POV is - thank you!

People did talk to me when I was out with DD - it was amazing - but it didnt cheer me up like it would usually have done and that freaked me out a bit.

Thanks everyone.

I had suffered with depresion for years and would be friends with you.

Where do you live?

NAB - in Edinburgh.

Your baby sounds really little. My dh is lovely and I've got plenty of friends, but I always felt sort of desperate all the time for the first few months of my babies. And I don't have mobility problems either. Go to baby music and whatever, if you can get there. It's crucial to have something to do in the day so you're not at home alone for hours, feeling like you're sinking.

There are loads of Edinburgh Mumsnetters, I always see the meet up threads popping up in active convoslike this one. That one might not suit (I think it's tomorrow!) but I am sure you would be welcome to attend and am sure they could reccommend some friendly baby groups if you posted on there?

I looked on the Edinburgh meet up - but they all looked super-confident capable working mums - sorry for the generalisation. God I really am down on myself, hadn't realised before.

Shame , too far for me but there will be MNetters wanting friends too.

I have met a few MNetters. Normal, really normal people. No matter what they seem like online.
Perfectly normal Really Bloody Nice People. (some of them on ads, if you must know) Really go along to a meetup.
Im in Kent or I would offer to go with you, used to live in Falkirk

Phew - thanks for saying that. After I'd posted I wondered if I'd been unkind - it was said with the best of intentions

Peedoff, I've battled depression for a long time too and agree with Janni and Posieflump. A GP can refer you for counselling or psychological support as well as prescribe ADs. Having a small child gives good opportunities to talk to people. I have invited other mums from groups back for coffee and (to my surprise & pleasure) found some new friends You can too!! People who appear confident, often have a much more complex story to tell when you take time to listen.
Sometimes I just have focus on the good things in my life, and recall the positive things people have said to get me through a tough day. I'd meet you for coffee if I lived closer! Good luck!

I would be friends with you. I had awful PND for 18 months after all 3 children, and know what it is like to ned a friend. I'd be your friend - you sound lovely!

peed off - I am in Glasgow. Would love to come through some time and meet up if you like! Promise I am NOT soem super duper working mum - am pt mum and pt student.