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Original poster

DP watched porn after being intimate

26 replies

ellie09 · 01/09/2025 01:08

Hi all

I recently found out my DP had watched porn not even 1 hour after we were intimate.

There were also other times he has viewed porn - on average 2-3 times per week.

For context, DP has always had issues with "finishing" - he claims this has been with every partner he has had - ever. He has no issues with getting an erection and staying hard for a good 20-30 minutes.

We have been together for almost 3 years and this has been an ongoing issue - we moved in together about two months ago. I did think that moving in together would sort of "help" matters where by porn wouldn't be used as much, but it seems not.

Just to add - I dont have a negative overall view of watching porn as long as it isnt excessive or having an impact on your relationships - which it clearly is with ours when we are living together and it is being used after we have sex.

Obviously, it isnt the best feeling for any partner to feel they aren't "enough" for their partners desires.

I have addressed this with DP who has gotten upset, said he doesnt want to hurt my feelings and that he knows he has a problem with using porn as a crutch to these difficulties rather than actually facing them. He says he isnt going to view porn any more.

How do we move forward with this? Obviously this is a deep issue rather than simply deleting porn and avoiding it. Would counselling etc help? He doesnt have much self esteem, confidence etc (despite my efforts to raise them when I can)

OP posts:
caringcarer · 01/09/2025 01:28

If he's said he won't watch porn again could you see if he sticks to his word. Personally I wouldn't tolerate a relationship where my partner felt he needed porn but you seem not to mind in general, only after he's had sex with you but not finished. Is he finishing watching the porn?

Original poster
ellie09 · 01/09/2025 01:45

caringcarer · 01/09/2025 01:28

If he's said he won't watch porn again could you see if he sticks to his word. Personally I wouldn't tolerate a relationship where my partner felt he needed porn but you seem not to mind in general, only after he's had sex with you but not finished. Is he finishing watching the porn?

Yes, he's never had a problem finishing with porn. So it isnt a physical issue, its a porn issue/psychological issue.

I dont mind porn use now and again, and if it doesnt interfere with real life relationships - e.g. I use it now and again but I can still have sex normally with my partner and finish.

OP posts:
Jasrai · 01/09/2025 01:47

There could be a few reasons behind his inability to ejaculate: kink - he might need to do something specific to get off. Psychology - fear of getting you pregnant etc. Masturbation - insensitivity due to a tight grip. Disinterest in sex - prefers porn.

There are more issues here. You seem to be spying on his internet history and you're taking responsibility for his feelings. He's a grown up and can see a therapist or research this but obviously doesn't want to.

You've been with him three years, he's had this problem for a long time and he's done nothing about it. I wouldn't listen to him saying he's going to give up porn either.

Rightandwrong · 01/09/2025 02:37

ellie09 · 01/09/2025 01:45

Yes, he's never had a problem finishing with porn. So it isnt a physical issue, its a porn issue/psychological issue.

I dont mind porn use now and again, and if it doesnt interfere with real life relationships - e.g. I use it now and again but I can still have sex normally with my partner and finish.

Show quote history

I dont mind porn use now and again, and if it doesnt interfere with real life relationships -

But thats the thing about porn isn't it? It has a nasty habit of becoming addictive
And it does interfere with real life relationships.
If he is really bothered about your relationship then he needs to seek help to address his addiction.

UKMARRIEDCOUPLE · 01/09/2025 03:41

Can you not just sit him down and calmly ask him about this ?

Original poster
ellie09 · 01/09/2025 07:55

UKMARRIEDCOUPLE · 01/09/2025 03:41

Can you not just sit him down and calmly ask him about this ?

I have done - he doesn't really know what to do bar "go cold turkey off porn"

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 01/09/2025 07:56

Rightandwrong · 01/09/2025 02:37

I dont mind porn use now and again, and if it doesnt interfere with real life relationships -

But thats the thing about porn isn't it? It has a nasty habit of becoming addictive
And it does interfere with real life relationships.
If he is really bothered about your relationship then he needs to seek help to address his addiction.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, I have told him this and he agrees. Not sure where the help will be coming from. For now, he definitely needs a counsellor at least.

OP posts:
UKMARRIEDCOUPLE · 01/09/2025 08:36

Ellie09 I messaged you

Lurleenlumpkin79 · 01/09/2025 09:08

Sounds like he could have the death grip from watching too much of it. Now he can't get off normally.

SummerDreams81 · 01/09/2025 12:04

Have you tried using porn while having sex?

Original poster
ellie09 · 01/09/2025 13:19

SummerDreams81 · 01/09/2025 12:04

Have you tried using porn while having sex?

This isnt for me - I havent tried with current partner but tried in the past for others.

OP posts:
Original poster
ellie09 · 01/09/2025 13:20

Lurleenlumpkin79 · 01/09/2025 09:08

Sounds like he could have the death grip from watching too much of it. Now he can't get off normally.

I think so too

OP posts:
SummerDreams81 · 01/09/2025 13:24

ellie09 · 01/09/2025 13:19

This isnt for me - I havent tried with current partner but tried in the past for others.

Show quote history

Maybe it helps him when you two have sex to also watch porn, and in time, when he does better sexually, he won't need the porn anymore.

CATomas · 01/09/2025 13:49

Do not women enjoy porn as a form of foreplay from time to time?

ScrollingLeaves · 01/09/2025 13:56

It sounds like an escalating addiction.

ScrollingLeaves · 01/09/2025 13:59

ellie09 · 01/09/2025 13:20

I think so too

Show quote history

Yes, and what he is watching could be getting more extreme too if he is getting dulled and inured to a real person.

isolate34 · 01/09/2025 15:17

SummerDreams81 · 01/09/2025 12:04

Have you tried using porn while having sex?

I don't think op should have to put porn on during sex so her partner can get off. How is that addressing his issues with not being able to ejaculate without it? It's only going to further the problem and he still won't be able to be intimate without watching something

isolate34 · 01/09/2025 15:17

CATomas · 01/09/2025 13:49

Do not women enjoy porn as a form of foreplay from time to time?

What??

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/09/2025 15:39

I can’t finish with a Man I have to do it myself (with him there is possible sometimes if he’s not distracting me and I feel really safe with him! ) I would feel so upset and frustrated if my imaginary partner didn’t want me to have an orgasm in the way that I usually have them.
could you make a video of the two of you for him to use to finish off? Then you’re still included!

SummerDreams81 · 01/09/2025 17:00

isolate34 · 01/09/2025 15:17

I don't think op should have to put porn on during sex so her partner can get off. How is that addressing his issues with not being able to ejaculate without it? It's only going to further the problem and he still won't be able to be intimate without watching something

Show quote history

It seems he has some insecurity issues and he can't ejaculate without porn, so if porn was brought to bed and he slowly started losing the insecurity, maybe in the future porn could be removed and he would have learned to ejaculate without it. I guess this is an issue that a therapist should solve.

Onesie123 · 01/09/2025 17:08

OP if he hasn't stopped watching porn in the last three years to try and sort this issue out, and hasn't stopped now that you've moved in together, why on earth would you think that he will now stop? I would just end it, who needs to be putting up with this porn addled loser.

ginasevern · 01/09/2025 18:06

I dont mind porn use now and again, and if it doesnt interfere with real life relationships

But the reality is that porn all too often does interfere with relationships. And it is in this instance. To be honest OP I doubt that he'll ever kick the habit and he's just saying what you want to hear.

ginasevern · 01/09/2025 18:07

CATomas · 01/09/2025 13:49

Do not women enjoy porn as a form of foreplay from time to time?

Nice try.

beAsensible1 · 01/09/2025 18:12

A some men struggle to ejaculate with partners and can only manage solo. The same way a lot of women struggle to orgasm with partners but not solo.

moving in / access to sex isn’t the issue it can be mental or physical stimulation. Ultimately it would require some sort of investigation and sex therapy and practise which most men are wont to do.

i don’t think it’s even about the porn it’s just his visual aid to the masturbation. If he is feeling aroused but can’t finish with a partner he is likely masturbate with or without porn.

beAsensible1 · 01/09/2025 18:14

Jasrai · 01/09/2025 01:47

There could be a few reasons behind his inability to ejaculate: kink - he might need to do something specific to get off. Psychology - fear of getting you pregnant etc. Masturbation - insensitivity due to a tight grip. Disinterest in sex - prefers porn.

There are more issues here. You seem to be spying on his internet history and you're taking responsibility for his feelings. He's a grown up and can see a therapist or research this but obviously doesn't want to.

You've been with him three years, he's had this problem for a long time and he's done nothing about it. I wouldn't listen to him saying he's going to give up porn either.

This. He’s an adult he needs to fix it himself.