Why does my mother do this? TW death mentioned

[whywhywhywhine]

Long, sorry.

My mum has always written important, but sad dates on her calendar. She is quite obsessive about it. I don’t mean just the date when someone passes away, or their funeral, but also other things like ‘first stroke’ ‘fourth TIA’ and other medical episodes. Both her parents were very poorly before they died, various versions of strokes, hearty issues, and eventually dementia, but both lived to their late 90s. My own dad had mini strokes and other things before he died, he died quite young, around 45. Sad events, but not a tragedy in the way of perhaps a child’s death.

My mum writes all of these medical events on her calendar, and there’s a lot. She also does their birthdays, funeral, dates they died, wedding anniversary etc. Then every year she gets a new calendar and copies everything over, along with her current things like appointments etc. I find it really, really odd. She does it about her friends’ families too but I don’t hear so much about them. I understand maybe it was her way of coping or honouring them and tried not to criticise. However she then passively-aggressively texts me on those certain dates. ‘Hope you are ok, I am just about ok’ and so on. Then I wrack my brain to remember why it’s a ‘special’ day (I don’t know when her parents wedding anniversary is for example, so I have to work it out) and feel guilty I hadn’t checked on her.

A few years ago, sick of being made to feel guilty, I asked her nicely to stop the texts. I have 2 high needs ASD children and my own calendar is full to bursting with their appointments and just general life. I can’t keep track of who got sick when, from 10-20 years ago, and explained that I could be having a fine day, then I’d get her text and realise the date, and feel shit - either bad for not remembering my granny’s birthday or whatever, or bad for not texting my mum offering support. She sort of stopped for all the minor things, and for a while mostly let birth/death days slide too thankfully.

Earlier however she has sent one of those texts. ‘Hope you are feeling ok’ kissy emoji. I replied normally, thinking she was more or less asking a general ‘how are you?’ (She never asks me anything, just sends statements, we are not close and she’s not interested in my life, just checks in but doesn’t want to actually know) then I read it again and realised the date - would have been a birthday for my dad.

My dad died about 20 years ago for context, it’s not like these are the early years of grieving and us still accepting it. I’ve now been alive without a dad for longer than I had him around. Yes it is sad, but also very bluntly he died, and his birthday isn’t something I think about or stew on or celebrate.

Her dad died around 18 years ago and her mum around 10 years ago. I understand these times were very hard for my mum, she obviously went through a lot. But it was like she was the only one allowed to grieve, she demanded all the attention every time a death/illness/event happened, and when my own dad died I don’t feel I was ever supported by her in my own grief. I was around 19 when my dad died and was pretty much ignored by her as she basically had a breakdown and so of course I came home from uni, helped her (arranged dad’s funeral and wake, did all registering and paperwork, closed his accounts and all the other admin etc) and we don’t have many other family members who supported me. I came to terms with it in my own way and moved on. She has never acknowledged this time, it was only ever referred to about it being a hard time for her, no recognition that my own father died - always just her husband. BTW they had split up before he died, but she has rewritten that bit of history! He was her soulmate etc etc when she mentions it.

Has anyone ever heard of this type of thing before, does anyone in your family do this? I find the calendar and texting thing very weird to say the least and just do not know how many ways I can tell her to stop this. If I feel sad about someone’s death, I just feel it, whenever that comes up. I don’t want to see it on my calendar or phone and be sad about it on or just because it is one particular day. I think probably I’m too matter of fact about death, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I focus on my family and not the ones who are not with us, but maybe other people honour their loved ones in similar ways and I’m being unfair to her, but it’s like performative grief as she just has to send those texts. Can anyone please help me understand?

I have never heard of this.

It's quite obsessive behaviour for her to write everything in her calendar going back years. But also very odd for her to expect you to remember these details. I am not sure how you can deal with it sympathetically without upsetting her as she sounds rather fixated and possibly mentally unwell.

The fact that she gave you no recognition of it being your father is quite telling of her self absorption. Did you ever speak to her about that?

I have a mother like this, but my Grandparents both died before I was born. But the ritualising of certain key dates i fully understand as I lived it like you do .

This is advice I got, from a friend who is a clinical psychologist, and it has served me well but took months for me to finally be at ease with it, but I stayed the course. Maybe it can help you too?
When you get one of these texts, instead of asking “What am I forgetting? Am I failing her?” try reframing: “This is her coping strategy. It’s about her, not me. I don’t need to join her in it.”
You cannot stop your mum from writing in her calendar, but you can decide how you interact with her around it.
It’s a known form of complicated grief, where the person cannot integrate the loss into the flow of life, and so they keep circling back to it. For your mum, those calendars may feel like her anchor. It looks performative to you, but to her, it may be the only way she knows to feel like she’s keeping people “alive.”
That doesn’t mean you have to participate in it. It just means you can step back with less self-blame, seeing it as her psychological process—not a judgment on your way of grieving.

I have a standard response that I literally copy and paste. Here it is “Thanks for checking in. I’m focused on the kids/our week ‘event’. I look forward to a proper chat in a day or two”

I hope this helps, even a little bit.

She’s a weird ghoul. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this.

I write on my calendar when people have died. For me, it's more to know that if I sense something is up with someone I can have a quick look and see if there is a reason for it on that day. It's written on quite small, so you wouldn't see it at a glance.
But I agree with Delia above, reframe it as her coping mechanism

@DeliaOwensVery thoughtful reply. Yes, I was thinking the same, that this is the way that the OP’s mother manages her emotions. I have a friend who does similar about her family too.

@TerrribletwosI have tried over the years, but given up now as she would just dismiss it. One day when she was monologuing about herself and how he died and how she’d never want another man, I did snap and point out that a) she had left him and they were separated when he died and b) she has the choice to re-marry at any point, but I do not get to choose another dad, so why is her grief more important than mine. And she completely dismissed it and looked right through me. She has totally rewritten the narrative about their separation - they were living in completely separate houses at the time of his death! But apparently when she tells it now, they were always soulmates and best friends, the separation was just a technicality, they were always in love and so on. I can’t reason with that. I do think she has mental health issues, and I suspect she may be on the spectrum, but she’s in absolute denial about anything like that.

@DeliaOwens thank you, that is a very interesting point and I will look into that type of grief. I hadn’t framed it like that, so that’s very helpful thanks. I don’t always realise what the texts are right away as usually I’m busy with a billion things, so I’ve usually just replied matter of factly, and then she just gives it a thumbs up. Later it’ll hit me and I’ll realise she was fishing for something. In some ways, if she’d just openly say ‘hi today is X day, I’m feeling sad/grieving/whatever way, but how are you?’ it would take away the feeling of it being performative and also acknowledging that I have feelings too. Because the texts are pass-agg or cryptic, usually about her, it seems way more attention seeking than genuine. I know that’s only my opinion, but it smacks of those vague Facebook posts ‘what a hard day.’ ‘U ok hun?’ type of thing. She wants me to ask but she just won’t say it. And I won’t play that game anymore.

Well that does put a completely completely different on things. And yes she does sound completely cold to disregard your grief. I honestly don't know how you put up with it...I would have gone NC with her at that point.

Edit: completely different complexion on things.

Hi OP, I echo @DeliaOwens post.

I think people who've been through multiple traumatic events act things out like this.

My mum is the opposite, though I think - if this makes sense- coming from a similar place.

Her parents died when she was 12 and 19, respectively, leaving her homeless and with no money. She had very little family support. My DSis had an aggressive form of cancer as a baby and almost died.

My mum now is almost aggressively resilient. She never mentions her parents except if asked. She has never visited their graves, like ever. She gave away her mum's wedding ring. When her beloved dog died, the dog was cremated, but my mum refused to keep her ashes. My mum herself does not want a funeral or any kind of burial but wants to donate her body to science. She brushes the topic off as "morbid", "it happens to everyone so stop dwelling etc".

I sometimes also find this upsetting but as Delia says, she has been through some tough stuff and distancing herself from it is her way of coping.

I imagine your mum feels unnecessary guilt or a fear of forgetting to behave this way.

@longtompot thanks for sharing that. For my mum it’s more about putting all her focus on that day - she’ll be aware of it, and sometimes will say ‘it’s X day coming up, so you can imagine how awful my week has been’ type of thing, and it’ll build up to it, and then she’ll send the texts on the date. So you do it more to be aware of others who are affected, if I’ve got that right? And do you go back 20 years or more? If you don’t mind me asking. I’m trying to understand her mindset because I have such a sceptical feeling about her motives/reasons, which might be really unfair to her.

@JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff that is another interesting point, thanks. Maybe there is a guilt or fear there. She was always highly competitive with her siblings when her parents got sick. Like who could visit and almost prove they care the most - ‘I’ve driven there twice this week, and I’m going again at the weekend, your Aunty has only been once’ and so on. Maybe she feels driven to keep competing and be the most grieving even now.

I've never heard of anyone writing these things in a calendar but I have known plenty of maudlin people who remember every miserable thing that ever happened to them and their family and mark the occasion annually. Of course everyone grieves and remembers but some people seem to really enjoy it.
The best thing is to just not react or appear remotely interested. Difficult when it's your mum. You have my sympathy op!

I think the recording dates and the passive aggressive texts are two completely different things.

I record dates like that in my diary and copy them over. Mostly because when these days come round, I like to spend a few minutes just remembering - not the grief and the sadness, just the person themselves and recognising that it was part of my history. Like a mindfulness kind of thing.

It's not morbid (or maudlin!) it actually makes me appreciate that they were in my life or that we got through a hard time, whatever the circumstances were then.

I also record lovely days and I DO sometimes text friends or relatives about them. Like 'its a year today that you did <insert fabulous thing> , can you believe it?!' And often they will reply and be glad that I've reminded them and reminisce a bit.
So it might be a bit quirky, but it adds to my life in a nice and thoughtful way.

I don't know whether your Mum does this for the same reasons, just offering another point of view. The ambiguous texting is definitely not on, though.

@Terrribletwos I’m very, very LC with her. I’m a lone parent and I rarely ask her for help, (the times I’ve asked she had said no) however it’s good to know she’s there in an emergency, and the kids love her to bits, so I don’t want to cut her off completely. If it wasn’t for that I’d definitely be NC as very sadly, she brings nothing positive to my life. Except for these pass-agg texts I rarely ever hear from her.

Thank you @RolledDahlI appreciate hearing your perspective. I can completely understand keeping those people in mind. It’s fine of course if that’s how she wants to remember her loved ones, and that sounds a positive way for you of dealing with sad (and happy) things. The texts, no, I just can’t accept that. It’s like she forcing me to participate in being sad because it’s a particular day. Particularly when she fully knows I do not like it or need it, or that it actually makes me sad when she’s forced me to realise it’s a certain date. It feels like she just steamrollers over my wishes and sends them anyway. Maybe she feels better for it, but it hurts that she doesn’t care about my wishes.

Can you accidentally set fire to the calendar? This would drive me crazy

Yeah i get it OP.

My mother likes to shuffle in (she lives with us but in a different part of the house) when we're all laughing at something and wait till we look at her and then say ''18 years today .... ''

and we're all 🤔 '' ... wot?''

''18 years since Auntie Maude died'' and shuffles off again. Like the spectre of doom 🙄

Oh! And i meant to add - she used to keep a big list of people on a pin notice board (like all our GPs (5 or 6 at our surgery) and hair dressers, trades people ect) and would put a big red line through their name if they died 😳

Sorry OP but your reply made me crack up

You’ve got some good advice on how to handle your DM, I wish you luck! She sounds insufferable.

PS I did think ‘autism’ after your initial post; the hyper-fixation on every single date and the monologuing are two rather large clues.

I'm sorry but that is really really funny! a bit like the red cross on the portrait when people are banished from Traitors

@Laiste and @MarthaBeach I could totally get on board if she did it Traitors-style! I will also now be on guard for the ‘Shuffle of doom’ adding to the repertoire 😂

@Allmarbleslost I suspect she may have other copies, just in case. In my head I call it her ‘diary of death’ and it shall be cremated if she doesn’t calm down with it.

@ProfessorRizzsince my kids are ASD and I have ADHD, I do recognise many traits in my mum too, she and my daughter will monologue me to death one day. I could flat out expire in front of them and they’d both just carry on talking, and no doubt my death would be deeply inconvenient to my mum because it would steal focus from her. I could tell her I’d won an Olympic gold medal and mum would just be like ‘oh yes, very good dear, it reminds me of the time Mrs Somebody’s son’s friend won a prize at school, she was my bestest friend ever, and she really liked me, and let me tell you…’

Mum denies anything to do with autism or anything like it and thinks everything she does is perfectly normal and the right thing to do, and generally doesn’t believe in autism - she thinks my kids are just ‘hard work’ hence why she’s not super involved in our lives.

Your mother may well have some untreated as well as untreatable personality disorder. There is nothing here to indicate ASD in your mother and ASD is not a Mh condition.

I would further reduce all contact with her down to zero sum. The reasons you keep
in touch with her at all are weak . She is unlikely to be there for you in an emergency and besides which your kids should ideally have an emotionally healthy grandparent, she does not fit the bill. Children can be indiscriminate in who they love so it is down to you as their parent to guide them. Not all family members are nice and kind.

Regardless of why she is the ways she is, it is not your fault and you did not make her that way either. What if anything do you know about her childhood because this often gives clues.