Why does my mother do this? TW death mentioned

[whywhywhywhine]

Long, sorry.

My mum has always written important, but sad dates on her calendar. She is quite obsessive about it. I don’t mean just the date when someone passes away, or their funeral, but also other things like ‘first stroke’ ‘fourth TIA’ and other medical episodes. Both her parents were very poorly before they died, various versions of strokes, hearty issues, and eventually dementia, but both lived to their late 90s. My own dad had mini strokes and other things before he died, he died quite young, around 45. Sad events, but not a tragedy in the way of perhaps a child’s death.

My mum writes all of these medical events on her calendar, and there’s a lot. She also does their birthdays, funeral, dates they died, wedding anniversary etc. Then every year she gets a new calendar and copies everything over, along with her current things like appointments etc. I find it really, really odd. She does it about her friends’ families too but I don’t hear so much about them. I understand maybe it was her way of coping or honouring them and tried not to criticise. However she then passively-aggressively texts me on those certain dates. ‘Hope you are ok, I am just about ok’ and so on. Then I wrack my brain to remember why it’s a ‘special’ day (I don’t know when her parents wedding anniversary is for example, so I have to work it out) and feel guilty I hadn’t checked on her.

A few years ago, sick of being made to feel guilty, I asked her nicely to stop the texts. I have 2 high needs ASD children and my own calendar is full to bursting with their appointments and just general life. I can’t keep track of who got sick when, from 10-20 years ago, and explained that I could be having a fine day, then I’d get her text and realise the date, and feel shit - either bad for not remembering my granny’s birthday or whatever, or bad for not texting my mum offering support. She sort of stopped for all the minor things, and for a while mostly let birth/death days slide too thankfully.

Earlier however she has sent one of those texts. ‘Hope you are feeling ok’ kissy emoji. I replied normally, thinking she was more or less asking a general ‘how are you?’ (She never asks me anything, just sends statements, we are not close and she’s not interested in my life, just checks in but doesn’t want to actually know) then I read it again and realised the date - would have been a birthday for my dad.

My dad died about 20 years ago for context, it’s not like these are the early years of grieving and us still accepting it. I’ve now been alive without a dad for longer than I had him around. Yes it is sad, but also very bluntly he died, and his birthday isn’t something I think about or stew on or celebrate.

Her dad died around 18 years ago and her mum around 10 years ago. I understand these times were very hard for my mum, she obviously went through a lot. But it was like she was the only one allowed to grieve, she demanded all the attention every time a death/illness/event happened, and when my own dad died I don’t feel I was ever supported by her in my own grief. I was around 19 when my dad died and was pretty much ignored by her as she basically had a breakdown and so of course I came home from uni, helped her (arranged dad’s funeral and wake, did all registering and paperwork, closed his accounts and all the other admin etc) and we don’t have many other family members who supported me. I came to terms with it in my own way and moved on. She has never acknowledged this time, it was only ever referred to about it being a hard time for her, no recognition that my own father died - always just her husband. BTW they had split up before he died, but she has rewritten that bit of history! He was her soulmate etc etc when she mentions it.

Has anyone ever heard of this type of thing before, does anyone in your family do this? I find the calendar and texting thing very weird to say the least and just do not know how many ways I can tell her to stop this. If I feel sad about someone’s death, I just feel it, whenever that comes up. I don’t want to see it on my calendar or phone and be sad about it on or just because it is one particular day. I think probably I’m too matter of fact about death, it’s not that I don’t care, it’s just I focus on my family and not the ones who are not with us, but maybe other people honour their loved ones in similar ways and I’m being unfair to her, but it’s like performative grief as she just has to send those texts. Can anyone please help me understand?

My mum suffered from complicated grief for years after my dad died. A friend who met us ten years after his death thought it had happened the previous year, such was the rawness. The fact she told me she might have divorced him had he not died didn’t diminish her grief. And yet I went through nothing, apparently. She would never admit my childhood had been less than perfect despite losing my dad when I was six. Someone suggested I was depressed as a teenager and she took offence as I had nothing to be depressed about. Every one of my birthdays turned into a monologue of how hard it was for her, and yes, birthdays and memorial days had to be greatly marked.

I had to step back from it all.

Does she have much going on in her life? It sounds like she uses these 'death dates' almost like they are still events that she's participating in somehow, and like they're a part of her identity.

As PP said, this may be her way of coping. How were her relationships with the deceased when they were alive? You mentioned she has rewritten history with your Dad; I wonder if she feels it's easier to show she cares after they've died than when they were alive?

Either way, it's really shit that your feelings around your Dad dying weren't acknowledged 😔 She sounds very self-absorbed and like she enjoys being the victim.

As for the texts, that's tricky. If you've already plainly stated that you don't wish to receive them on those dates, it could be worth just flat-out ignoring them. Either she will get the message, or she will question why you haven't responded: you can then state that you have already requested that she doesn't send these kinds of texts anymore, and you won't be engaging with them going forward. If she does it again, rinse & repeat until she (hopefully) learns.

My “D”M also remembers significant dates and will be more miserable leaving up to them.

Me and my DSis call it planned grief.

It’s almost as though she thinks she should be miserable on the anniversary of a loved one’s death, so she plans her life so she won’t forget the date and has her planned day of misery.

I honestly don’t think it’s ever occurred to her that you can take a few moments to remember some of the times you enjoyed together then go out and enjoy your day but then misery is one of my M’s hobbies.

Your M takes this to a whole new level though with the medical appointments and the texts.

I do like the suggestion of a standard text as stated above.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

I've read a number of studies suggesting that the link between Cluster B PDs and autism is more than just coincidental. They often co-exist. I often wonder if PDs emerge at key developmental stages as an (maladaptive) autistic coping mechanism. I’m not saying I have the answers, just lots of questions brewing away.

@AttilaTheMeerkatthank you, I know logically it’s not my fault, but it’s hard sometimes not to feel guilty. And not this situation specifically, but I have noticed ASD/ADHD traits over the years along with many signs of narcissism. And she has high anxiety but won’t acknowledge or deal with it. (Eg she won’t go anywhere on her own, she refuses to drive to places she doesn’t know, won’t shop anywhere other than 1 particular supermarket at a set time, other limiting things.) There’s also some OCD in the mix too, which again she denies, but is clear when I see her obsessively checking her things are switched off at the plug or locking and unlocking the door a set amount of times. However these things could be just her ways, a personality disorder, symptomatic of something on the spectrum, or mental health issues as there’s so many overlaps. Anyway that’s not the point, other than if it was something like that causing her behaviour, I would try to understand it more I suppose. Rather than thinking ‘she’s cruel to me’, it would be easier to accept. It doesn’t make the behaviours better but would be nicer to think ‘it’s part of her condition’ instead of thinking she just wants her own way or to hurt me.

I know you are right, she wouldn’t be there for me in a situation unless it was dire, but there’s nobody else I could turn to and the kids don’t see this stuff. To them she is just nice granny, and definitely never unkind to them. They have limited, rare time with her so she’s not too much of an influence either way but they do love her, particularly my eldest. I suppose also I feel a duty to not go NC as she is still my parent no matter what. I am her only child, so I dread her needing care in old age as it will be all on me (I assume) and I’d feel awful cutting her off totally as I assume underneath it all, she loves me in some way she can’t show. It’s complicated. This is partly why I’m canvassing experiences here. I’m working through things with my therapist as well, but it’s nice to have insights from the hive mind.

I don’t know much about her childhood in great detail. She’s a middle child, her siblings are not in good health and/or have busy lives themselves. Her parents as far as I know were quite traditional, they married young during or just after WW2, her father was distant and strict figure, always out at work and her mother was the typical stay at home, fresh groceries, cook from scratch every day etc., I know they took pride in being hard working, working class, northern ‘no airs, don’t get above your station’ no nonsense folk.

@RainbowSlimeLab I’m sorry you’ve had that experience too. My mum also won’t admit to anything negative about my childhood. Lots of what you say resonates. She feels anything I went through reflects badly on her, so I get what you are saying about depression - like if we are anything less than perfect, it’s a problem for them, they are not seeing us as full humans but just as extension of them. My 40th birthday was turned into a rigmarole about her, lots of wailing and drama over something minor, not able to celebrate me for one bloody day. Are they following a script here?! How did you step back? Did you go NC?

I suppose also I feel a duty to not go NC as she is still my parent no matter what.

Why?. Are you really mired in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and is this talking?. I would be discussing this point further with your therapist.

You do not owe your mother anything let alone a relationship here. I am also wondering if she sees you as an extension of her and if that is the case that is narcissism. The kids may not see this stuff directly but they see your reactions to her when you interact with her, both spoken and unspoken.

You are also under NO obligation to become her carer in her dotage; you have more than enough to do and see to as it is.

Both my aunties! Not on a calendar but on paper, I think for that generation it may be a bit normal. It’s like diary I suppose.
Autism wasn’t widely known about back then, along with ADHD etc people will come along and say, how ignorant! But back then they were working at 14, walking there and back, it was hard, then back to home, household chores, wash in a tin bath, book, bed.

Different education, no social media, less access to these things, not everyone knew someone with additional needs, back then it was word of mouth, things were kept quiet etc.

I haven't read the whole thread yet but since you mention your children are autistic, is it possible your mum is too?

Oh god. This could be my mother. She has a habit of dredging up relatives deaths at really in opportune moments.

My dear beloved grandfather (not her own father, but her estranged ex-husband’s father) died on Boxing Day many years ago. While I like to remember my wonderful grandfather in my own space and time, there’s something really jarring about my mother making an announcement over Christmas dinner “ it’s x years tomorrow since Frank died”. She doesn’t even want to discuss “Frank”, just wants to make this weird announcement during each and every Christmas dinner

There are others as well. Alevel results were published on the anniversary of another relatives death and she was pissed off that I planned to celebrate with the DC if the results were good

She sounds like my mum, who is diagnosed with personality disorder but I strongly suspect is also autistic (many of my family members are autistic but this wasn't picked up in her generation).

@whywhywhywhine I guess I do as I have my grandparents on there too, and one of them died when my dd was 6 months old and she is 28 now. I don't involve anyone else in it, and I wouldn't use it to make someone else feel bad. I think of I were you I'd grey rock my mum when she did this. A non committal hmmmhmm and move on.

Could you get 2 calendars made up?

One you call her death calendar with pictures like seances and tombstones and people under a cloud of depression and tell her that one is for her morbid dates.

The other calendar with happy pictures of her living family and friends with special dates for them on and suggest she only has the living calendar on display? (Only slightly tongue in cheek…)

I think it's not that unusual to remember death anniversaries (although it's how you remember them!) - but I've never known anyone of any generation who marks dates of funerals or medical events - as whywhine wrote in the OP:
I don’t mean just the date when someone passes away, or their funeral, but also other things like ‘first stroke’ ‘fourth TIA’ and other medical episodes.

That's very strange and a bit obsessive, like she's trying to feel some sense of control over the bad things that happen.

Anyway, OP, I hope you can distance yourself in a healthy way.