Relationship coming to an end im heartbroken even though he treated me so badly

[Merseymum1980]

Please can I ask that people are a little sensitive with me as im very fragile at the moment.
Ive been in a really toxic relationship for nearly 5 years
He and I had a discussion last night that we weren't happy and he will be leaving the property soon (delay due to a few practicalities) rather than not honouring the decision.
The dynamic really changed between us when I found out he slept with an escort, tried to forgive but I can't forget. Its got more and more toxic. He complains every meal I make,refuses to help in the house at all point blank ,now refusing to help in the garden.
He doesn't kiss, hug me or have much intimacy at all in the last few months.

Doesn't help out much financially really, faffs with crypto, self employed delivery jobs and gambles loads.
The gambling has caused the biggest issues as it dictates his and the house mood and he sinks into deep depression when he looses.
He says he gambles because he has nothing to look forward to in his life because I restricted his life and I nagg 24 7 apparently.

I made 3 doctors appointments for him regarding depression which he didnt attend.

He does really care about my son and my son really cares for him (he is not his biological father).

Ive absolutely tried everything to revive the relationship prior to this conclusion, paying for days out,spending 4 hours a day on public transport so he could use my car until he had one, doing all the housework plus I run my own business.

I know logically its completely the right decision for my son and I. I also know i should really be happy to exit such horrible treatment from him.
He is good with my son and never shown him depression etc.

My partner says he is bored of his life and wants a fresh start.
I know logically he is right.
So why do I feel so heartbroken,why do I still love him.
Im completely following through on the decision. I almost feel like im cutting off a limb (metaphorically speaking) in ending a relationship with someone I love deeply.

I just wondering does it get easier. I've always struggled ending relationships but in my past relationships I've disliked the person amd fallen out of love at the end which really helped me end it.
I can't wait for this to happen in this relationship now as I have to think of my son too and effects on him too.

Im really worried about the effects of this relationship breakup on my son who is 9 paticularly he is due back in school on Wednesday.
Sorry for the rambling, I just want to know if people have broken away from a toxic relationship and got through the pain to be happier and mentally free.

I could desperately do with a reply from someone just to get me through the next couple of weeks until he goes (practical reasons for the couple of weeks.
He has woken up this morning and sort.of back tracked saying that he doesn't help in the house as he finds that life boring and sort of thing. He also said when he looses money he doesn't want to help with anything as he feels so down and needs to be left alone to snap out of it. Its literally every other week he looses money though.
He is now saying he has a migraine but he will help with the bed sheets later(my back has gone) when he feels up to it.

He also said I put him off as he asked me a couple of weeks ago did I want to go on holiday.
I said no but he didn't ask me why. I explained the reason why is that I can't actually afford the new clothes and spends for us all (he doesn't tend to think of these practicallities) and had won some money so was going to pay the actual holiday cost. Also I run my own business so can't afford to take the time off work.
I have also gained loads of weight with binge eating due to being miserable, he is younger than me and lean. I look such a big fat frump next to him at the moment

Sounds to me like he’s trying to put blame on you for everything he does. That in itself is really toxic. Don’t doubt yourself. You have absolutely made the right decision that you will be better off without this toxicity in your life. Stick to your guns. If he can go sooner, even staying with a friend or whatever, that will be better. Dragging it out will only make the process harder.

Deep breaths @Merseymum1980

You will be ok. Keep saying that to yourself. Things will be fine.

Having ended a decades long marriage which was abusive, I sympathise with feeling grief. It's very normal. Keep talking to us, focus on getting through the next couple of hours. One day at a time.

Also, please do not get sucked in again by his backtracking. He's not a good person, this is not a good relationship and it needs to end.

Thank you so much for responding guys.
I actually thought i was going crazy for being so upset and still caring. My mum is a real strong woman whom I admire greatly and she has a great husband. She can't get her head around why I still care about someone who she thinks acts like a petulant teenager at times. So I thought is there something wrong with me being upset and hurt?
My self esteem is in the floor

Thank you so much for responding guys.
I actually thought i was going crazy for being so upset and still caring. My mum is a real strong woman whom I admire greatly and she has a great husband. She can't get her head around why I still care about someone who she thinks acts like a petulant teenager at times. So I thought is there something wrong with me being upset and hurt?
My self esteem is in the floor

he doesn't help in the house as he finds that life boring

Pathetic. Housework and house maintenance are boring for all of us including you, I'm sure, but they're a necessary part of being a responsible adult.

He sounds like an immature teenager.

Give it a couple of months and you'll find yourself feeling relieved to be no longer living under the same roof as this man-child.

Big life changes are always hard, even when we know it’s the right thing for us. It ok to grieve for the life you hoped to have with this man. It’s ok to be sad that it didn’t work out that way. And it’s normal to feel apprehensive/worried about a different future.
Im here for a handhold x

You deserve so much better.

Can you access counselling to work on your self esteem?

You’ll feel so much better in a he is out of the house. Right now he’s still in the way casting his miserable shadow over you.
Once he’s gone it will be like the sun’s come out.

Thank you guys I think its the weight gain and the cheating that hasn't helped my self esteem. When my son is back in school im going to speak to the doctor about maybe some counselling.
The cheating seem to come out of the blue so it really floored me

He sounds like an absolute dickhead. You will realise this soon OP and be glad you left.
I don't think its really him you feel loss for its the loss of your hopes and dreams for this relationship, for the happy future you hoped for and lost.
At the end of the day he failed you and smashed your dreams.
Move on, pick yourself up, you'll do better next time.

He really doesn’t seem to be adding anything positive to your lift except be an additional person who cares for your son. And that can be appealing and you probably see that good side of him and it makes you waiver.

Space will probably be the answer for you in terms of getting over him. This is the hardest bit x

You have hit the nail on the head kewgirl. That's the main thing that's kept me in the relationship especially of late.My son doesn't see his biological father and sees my partner as his Dad

He sounds like a horrible horrible person and you have tried your best to help change him but it's time to think of yourself and your son.
You really need him out the house ASAP as that will make this so much harder.
When you are in the thick of a break up you think you'll never get over it but everybody does, we all move on and realise there was no need for us to be stuck in a bad situation for so long.

When I have something horrible I need to get through and my mind is racing I try and stick to one phrase and repeat everytime I spiral. It sounds silly but sometime I say to myself 'you can't get over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go through it' like the kids rhyme. Or when it all seems too much to leave a relationship, move house, get a divorce etc I'll say 'it's all just logistics, everything is figureoutable'.
Good luck, you will get through this and you'll be sooo happy Once you have x

Thank you everyone. Its come at a really difficult time as my son is due back at school Wednesday which will make it really painful for him as my son is really nervous about his new teacher (he is very strict and my son has adhd). My son isn't naughty what so ever just very easily distracted and goes into a day dream. The teacher isn't known for his patience.
Im looking after my mums dog for nearly a fortnight from tomorrow. My partner who doesn't really work was going to help me out with the dog as I run my own business. I can't afford to cancel my commitments for the next 10 days and my parents are going abroad, this had been arranged a year ago for us to have the dog. My partner can't and won't help with the dog if I insist he leaves immediately so we agreed he would stay until my parents are home and my son and I will stay with them for a couple of days after so my son doesn't have to go through watching him take his things.
The back tracking from him today has kinda of taking me by suprise

Give yourself a lot of grace, your world has just imploded.
You are allowed to let things slide, you might have to leave the dog while you go out and work, your son may well be upset with starting school.
Let's be honest there's never a good time for these things to happen but you'll get through it all, it will all figure itself out bit by bit.
You'll get there, sending you strength and hugs x

Its come at a really difficult time as my son is due back at school Wednesday which will make it really painful for him as my son is really nervous about his new teacher (he is very strict and my son has adhd)

Can you reframe this bit as this will be a new start for you all and once your ex moves out you will have the headspace to heal whilst being more present for your son? You can rest and recover from your broken heart and it will be easier when ex isn't in your and your son's home anymore.

when is he due to move out? sounds like he is backtracking now because he doesn't want to lose the roof over his head. Please don't be offended by me saying this, it's just that most men are practical that way.

He is due to move out on the 13th September

@theoldbird he was the one to originally start the conversation last night about moving out going our separate ways and I agreed with him that It's for the best as he is so unhappy and im so frustrated so I dont know what is going on
You could be right as he often changes his mind about things x

You don't need to be with someone like this, gambling, not contributing to anything, moody, angry and shows no care to you or your son.
Focus on your life that you will have on the other side of this, you will be so much happier and more peaceful, it will just be a hard Time that you need to go through to get to that point.
Good luck x

He was expecting that threatening to leave would make you backtrack and accept his shitty behaviour and mistreatment of you. He didn’t expect you to actually agree with him because he clearly has nowhere to go and no plan and is reliant on you being there to ensure he has a roof over his head, food on the table and clean clothes to wear.

Does he have family he can go to on the 13th? Or a friend? Because if not, expect some love-bombing and more backtracking over the next two weeks. Just the bare minimum needed to cause you to doubt and to give him yet another try, before he settles back into his old ways when you get past the 13th.

You deserve better than this, as does your son. For all that this guy may be a father figure to him, he’s not much of a role model, is he?

@GrumpyInsomniac I didnt actually see it from that angle

You were right bizarre love bombing now

I am really sorry that I was right. I think I always hope to be wrong about these men being such arseholes, but here we are.

At least you know what he’s doing. Offer to see if they have any spare boxes at the supermarket next time you go so he can make a start on packing.

You took back your power in this when you agreed it was over. Keep a firm hold on it and don’t let him work his way back in xx

He isn’t serious about leaving. Why would he leave a free house where he doesn’t have to lift a finger, gets sex if/when he wants, bills paid, meals prepared, loan of a car, he doesn’t have to do anything as mundane as actually getting a job and then for shits and giggles, he can sleep with a prostitute and no-one says a word…

Come on, OP. Relationships are about working together in synergy where both parties give and take. This man is taking, you’re giving. He’s bringing you down.

I get what it’s like when your self worth is in the gutter and you feel like this is what you deserve and all you can get, plus you tell yourself he’s a good stepdad, he’s this and that, it’s the sunken cost fallacy. I’ve genuinely been there.

But he brings literally nothing to the table. He should be embarrassed to call himself a man.