Relationship coming to an end im heartbroken even though he treated me so badly

[Merseymum1980]

Please can I ask that people are a little sensitive with me as im very fragile at the moment.
Ive been in a really toxic relationship for nearly 5 years
He and I had a discussion last night that we weren't happy and he will be leaving the property soon (delay due to a few practicalities) rather than not honouring the decision.
The dynamic really changed between us when I found out he slept with an escort, tried to forgive but I can't forget. Its got more and more toxic. He complains every meal I make,refuses to help in the house at all point blank ,now refusing to help in the garden.
He doesn't kiss, hug me or have much intimacy at all in the last few months.

Doesn't help out much financially really, faffs with crypto, self employed delivery jobs and gambles loads.
The gambling has caused the biggest issues as it dictates his and the house mood and he sinks into deep depression when he looses.
He says he gambles because he has nothing to look forward to in his life because I restricted his life and I nagg 24 7 apparently.

I made 3 doctors appointments for him regarding depression which he didnt attend.

He does really care about my son and my son really cares for him (he is not his biological father).

Ive absolutely tried everything to revive the relationship prior to this conclusion, paying for days out,spending 4 hours a day on public transport so he could use my car until he had one, doing all the housework plus I run my own business.

I know logically its completely the right decision for my son and I. I also know i should really be happy to exit such horrible treatment from him.
He is good with my son and never shown him depression etc.

My partner says he is bored of his life and wants a fresh start.
I know logically he is right.
So why do I feel so heartbroken,why do I still love him.
Im completely following through on the decision. I almost feel like im cutting off a limb (metaphorically speaking) in ending a relationship with someone I love deeply.

I just wondering does it get easier. I've always struggled ending relationships but in my past relationships I've disliked the person amd fallen out of love at the end which really helped me end it.
I can't wait for this to happen in this relationship now as I have to think of my son too and effects on him too.

Im really worried about the effects of this relationship breakup on my son who is 9 paticularly he is due back in school on Wednesday.
Sorry for the rambling, I just want to know if people have broken away from a toxic relationship and got through the pain to be happier and mentally free.

He's love bombing because he doesn't want to pay his own way and the reality of this is finally hitting him. Please stay strong! You've got this.

Toxic relationships are by far the hardest the get over because not only do they have the horrible down moments, they often have the huge up moments - probably experienced early on in the relationship before he became the tosser he is now, right? I remember this very well, and still do ten years on from those initial highs!

It’s also that they get into our heads - make us question ourselves and plant belief that we are not capable of myriad things without them, that we will never find better, or simply that we’re x age and you don’t really like the thought of being single and on your own.

I 1000% promise you a life without this waste of space will be infinitely better than being dragged down with him. The financial freedom, the emotional freedom (once it comes) and the acknowledgement that you and your son deserve better will come, honestly. Whilst your are in the midst of it right now and I truly understand how horrible it feels (7 years, 9 y/o DS together, marriage but horrible abuse pre and post separation) there is absolute liberation in being free from these wastemen.

Id also try and get him gone before the 13th, send his onto his mother.

Get therapy going forward to work out exactly how and why you got with this person in the first place. He along with other factors is why your self worth is through the floor. It makes you a target for such low life. Unlearn the vast amount of crap you have learnt about relationships to date. Learn about red flags in relationships.

Love your own self for a change , enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and read Women who love too much by Robin Norwood.

Your boundaries here, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse and past poor relationships, are being further got at by him now. Your child as well as you deserve better. In the meantime be on your own and put your son as well as you first and center in your life.

He’s dragging you down
You will be able to breathe again when he leaves and you process the end of the relationship

The loss feels hard, but you’ll be much better off and get your life and self back eventually

He has no plans to leave and is probably desperate for you to ask him to stay si he can reluctantly agree. I hope you dont.

Look back on previous relationship patterns. Do you have form for flogging a dead horse and staying longer than you should? Will you look back and regret all the time wasted? I know I do and ultimately I lost respect for exes when I’ve been treated badly and found them repulsive eventually and wouldn’t go anywhere near them now. Make yourself busy improving yourself so you rise above being someone interested in having a partner who treat you like shit. It’s like an addiction when you are in the intermittent reinforcement though so at the moment you’ve correctly identified you need to write out all the way he’s treated you like shit and get support from like minded people. I wish you well. I think you know you will be better off without him but the longest journey can be from the head to the heart. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself but know he needs to be out of your life. Your son will be fine. Even if he’s not being actively shitty to your son you’ll be surprised at how much your son will have noticed

It's perfectly normal to feel the way you do. But what you are reeling from is the end of co-dependency, not love. You've shared a home, intimacy and your life with this man and you can't see how that huge void can ever be filled - even though it's filled with total crap at the moment. I've been there OP but once you're out of it you will quickly realise how awful it really was. In fact your "love" will actually turn (for a while) to anger, which is also normal. Just to add too that no matter what you may think, this man is not good for your son. Read what you've written and ask yourself if this is in any way what you want for your child.

Get him out asap, OP. He has no real intention of leaving of his own accord and he brings absolutely zero to your life.

Believe me you feel so much better without this absolutely drain on you. You'll lose weight, feel happier and have more money to spend on yourself AND your son, instead of spending it on a loser who makes you feel shit about yourself.

Where he goes is not your problem. Tell him to pack up and go, give him 24 hours if you are feeling generous. Otherwise he'll keep making excuses as to why he hasn't actually gone on the 13th. He's a grown up and responsible for putting a roof over his own head.

Ive split up with about four guys over the past 40 years I loved and was in a long term relationship with. Each time they did things that forced me to walk. I still loved them. Cried buckets.

Occasionally caved and phoned a couple of them shortly after we split, got back together but the issues we split up about were still there. So we split again.

What I learned is:

1. not to make excuses for bad, selfish, ignorant or lazy behaviour. I wouldn’t do that to them. I won’t be a doormat for them to have it done to me.

2. Someone that loves me would never treat me like that. So they cannot have loved me. No matter what they say. They are manipulative liars out for themselves and their needs.

3. while you are with someone that is just using you and doesnt really love you, then youre not free to find a guy that will love you and do anything for you.

4. dump and move on. Cry. See friends. Keep busy. Dont be tempted to step back into the old ways with someone under serving of your love. You deserve better.

He will try and get back with you when he realises hes no home no money and nobody to be his whipping boy. Suddenly youll find hes all keen to make up blah blah, and back in the day you’d be all happy with that….but not now. Youve seen him for what he is. A lazy useless waster who cares nothing for you but is quite happy to use you for as long as it suits him, all the while knowing that he doesn’t fancy you or love you. All the while keeping you from meeting someone better. Because he doesn’t care about you. Just himself. Prick.
Dump and move on.

Sorry OP. You can do this. Stay strong. Youre worth ten of him.

@Merseymum1980 your self esteem is at rock bottom and this person makes sure it stays there. You can lose weight etc but it doesn't sound like he would ever be a decent partner. Look forward to not being put down and blamed for his weakness and failure and you might be surprised how quickly you prefer it.

Thank you guys. Im looking forward to when I can do a fresh post to say im healed.
Im actually adamant.
Im going to look up this freedom program as ive never heard of it