How to introduce kids to new partner

[Sweetlove23]

myself and new partner both have a child each, same age (6). We are considering introducing them in the new year where we will have been together about 7 months.

what is the best way to do this?
and what pace do we move at?

We were thinking maybe as part of a bigger group with other children so it takes the pressure off then doing something just the four of us and also thought me spending time with him snd his child and vice versa.

Any advice welcome.

You’ve only been with this new “partner” 3 months and you are already planning on when to introduce your kids.

The only advice I’d give is to slow down and make sure you really know this person. Right now you are still in the honeymoon phase and don’t know the full person.

Step 1 is to wait until you have been together at least a year.

After that go slowly and low pressure. Short visits of a few hours to start with, getting more frequent before getting longer. Don't go suddenly expecting them to get along for long periods of time.

Talk through before hand how you will both deal with any bickering and fights so you can approach things in a similar way and preempt accusations of unfairness.

Make sure there are lots of 1 to 1 time, you with yours and he with his, where feelings are able to be discussed openly and honestly even if they are negative ones.

I’ve got a 6 year old and the longest I’ve dated anyone since the divorce is 4 months. Even within that period I felt like I was a long way from feeling confident enough in the future to introduce DD to the person. In the event, I was right. I would wait at least a year.

I also think you should be waiting at least a year. Too soon.

Best advice is to leave your children out of your love lives.

As above, please don't be planning anything so far in advance when, and I mean this kindly, it might fizzle out. Ask Mn again this time next year.

Good grief, you've been together a few weeks. Why are you even discussing your children meeting?

Don't make any plans for the new year. Start talking about making them when the new year comes.

you don’t
you have no idea if this is a serious relationship or not after a matter of weeks
There is zero rush to introduce your child to anyone
why are you even thinking about it? If the partner pressuring you?
so many threads on here about very unhappy blended families - you really need prioritise your child and yourself over any new partner

Too soon

They are not a partner, they are a boy/girlfriend. You do not introduce them until you know the relationship is established and the person is safe to be around your child.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/research-resources/early-years-resources

Why involve your children full stop?
I raised two sons on my own, they never once met a partner l was dating, there was simply no need, and my husband died young so l didn't have anyone else who could ever look after them. I waited until they were older and kept my relationships well in the background.
You hardly know this man. I wonder what insights his ex could inform you of.
Do you not worry your child could become attached only for relationship to fail ?
In the beginning of a new relationship everything seems so hopeful, only for things to go wrong further down the line. I have nursed many a broken heart alone in private and so thankful now l never involved my sons in that.
You can build a way of life that doesn't involve forcing your relationship into your children. Fastest way for a relationship to turn stale is jump in head first, enjoy your dates for what they are and forget about introdductions.
I can guarantee you will be stuck looking after him and his kid for little in return if your rush things now.

Wow thanks for the advice. Christ I’m not introducing them yet. I am someone who likes to think about things in advance and how it would work. Yes I am well aware it may not work but that’s why I’m not introducing yet. The way you lot have come back to me is like I’m thinking about doing it now! Won’t bother asking for advice again but thanks.

the only exception to this is @DoAWheelie who has actually given me some actual advice instead of jumping down my throat.

You’re still thinking about doing it much too soon at just a few months in
Maybe the people “jumping down your throat” are advising action for a reason?

You see “jumping down your throat”.

I see people who didn’t give you the opinions/advice you were hoping for. No-one has been rude. You asked for advice, people gave it to you. You just don’t like the advice given.

@rubyslippers most of the advice says 6-12 months. I realise you all think a year but if I feel towards the 7 month mark we aren’t ready I will suggest leaving it longer. like i said with everything in life I like to think about things in advance and i am asking this so i am ready and im thinking about what’s best here.

I didn’t ask for how long. I asked for how to do it.

@Hollietree I asked for advice on the best way to do it not how long. And if you look most advice says 6-12 months so sorry for looking at that advice first before posting and some of that advice is from threads on here!

I would start with each of you meeting the other’s DC and see how that goes. Then get all the DC to meet. Neutral place, short meeting with an activity so less pressure eg a playground. I think with others might be tricky as who to choose (as inevitably one set of DC will know the other kids & one won’t which will result in them feeling left out or even if they don’t know any of the other kids this still could end up with some DC feeling left out).
Whatever you choose I recommend taking it slowly. You can meet but doesn’t mean you need to suddenly spend a lot of time together.

Hi op, I have been with dp for 10 years my DD was 6 when we met.

I know you didn't ask for a time but I would agree with around a year of dating. A local place would be best eg park, soft play that way you can introduce the kids then hopefully they go off to play together.

Relationships around the 6-12 month mark are all hopes and dreams based on the side of the person you have been seeing up to that point.
That generally isn't the same person you will be with in 5+ years - are you showing this guy everything about you, warts and all? I doubt it.
Personally I wouldn't be thinking of introducing kids until this time next year at the earliest.

I see nothing wrong with introducing your kids, but I would wait til after the holidays. And make it causal - it might be just a brief meeting at first. Had he met your child at you his yet? I’d do that first, also for a brief occasion.then work up to maybe spending a couple hours with them. Then your/his child can get used to the partner before getting overwhelmed by both.

Honestly? I would wait until the New Year to think about how to do this. I don't think it's helpful to over plan and given its so early you may change your mind about him. I'm wincing a bit at him being a referred to a DP at only 3 mnths, not sure how much of a partner he would be yet.

Obviously meeting on common ground when you do meet is obvious, zoo or day out etc... I think the actual meeting is the easy bit.

My kids have met partners* of me and their Dad after 1year, 9 months & 3.5 months. Shorter as they’ve got older & they’ve asked to meet partners. I, perhaps controversially, think over 1 year is a long time especially if DC have got used to parents being separated.

It’s fine to plan ahead & each circumstance is different. After 1 year isn’t always in DCs best interest.

*boyfriends/girlfriends or whatever you want to call them when you don’t live together but have an other half post marriage

You're rushing if you're thinking about introducing your kids after a mere 3 months. He's not a partner, this is a brand new relationship.

You're getting defensive about the advice to wait longer, which makes it seem like you only want to hear what you want to hear.

Your kids are important, they are only 6.

OP, thing is, introducing them too early can cause major challenges in the future.
So, for example, myself and dp didnt introduce the kids for ages, a lot longer than just 12 months. 10+ years later they still get on like a house on fire, make their own social arrangements together, and its been lovely seeing how the relationships have developed positively, both kids and adults alike.
My DPs ex introduced them far earlier, probs around the 8 months mark and my gosh, she had a challenge. The New partners kids barely visit or speak to them, my partners kids are OK but tolerate rather than get on.
If you are genuinely looking for a long term relationship, invest in the short term inconvenience for the long term gain

Honestly, I think it is right that it’s way too early to be thinking about introducing the kids even if you are a planner (I am so I know how it can snowball in the excitement).
Right now, just enjoy each other and figure out if you’re really on the same page with values, goals, and all that. Relationships can still flip from amazing to awful pretty fast at this point. I'm sure we've all seen the fall out so make sure it’s really really solid before thinking about or making big moves.

When you are ready, don’t overthink it. Keep it low-key and maybe meet at a park café or play centre, something relaxed. If he’s already met your friends, that can be a good step first. They can be a good gauge and support before dragging kids into the fold.
Just don’t pile it all on at once, and keep in mind the kids might not click straight away. They need to feel like a priority and not see a big shift.