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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to be a 'carer' when you don't want to be married anymore

38 replies

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 10:12

I've posted about this before under a different name but it's been all change since then and im not sure how to handle it.
My husband lost his job last year and had a breakdown and was sectioned. Since then he's been on a cocktail of meds. He's had 2 jobs which he couldn't do and another job he's in now which is very low paid and part time, but he was saying he couldn't cope with that either.
However over the summer he had another breakdown. We had been having problems before this because I didn't think he was being proactive with going to therapy etc and just kept quitting jobs instead of getting to the root of the problem and I was just tired of it. Turns out he wasn't taking his medication. I was furious. We have 2 kids going through exam years and he couldn't even stay stable for them. They have had a terrible summer with him in bed can completely uncommunicative. I've been taking them out of the house, sent them to their grandma's a few times etc, spending money we don't have because of his job situation just to give them a half decent summer. He is being seen by the community MH team and I'm making him take his meds so he is at least more communicative but still in bed.
The problem is as far as I'm concerned the marriage is still dead. I don't want to be married but he is still here, in bed all day and I have to tell him to take his meds and cook for him.
I feel like I'm doing ' caring' things like getting him to go for a walk and to do chores so more like a paid carer but when I read things it says ' tell him you love and support him' but basically I'm resentful, angry and am dreaming of a life of single hood! I still want him to get better, start going to therapy and hopefully hold down a job- just not with me! I'm not sure what to do for the best with regards to him either or what I should do to help him get better more than I am doing or should I just leave him to make the effort to get better himself.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2025 10:19

You can only help your own self ultimately and he has to want to get better for his own self; you cannot influence that process.

He is getting support; where is yours and your kids support here?. Do the community MH team talk to you at all?.

If your marriage is dead then start divorce proceedings. Your children will also thank you for doing so. They've also seen and heard more than enough already.

Temporaryanonymity · 31/08/2025 10:23

I was in a very similar situation to you when my sons were 2 and 4. My ex was an alcoholic with mental health issues. Dealing with it really killed any lingering feelings I may have had for him and I decided to leave, mainly because I didn’t want the children growing up around an alcoholic.

It was the best thing I ever did. Don’t guilt yourself into staying. My sons are 18 and 16 now and although it was challenging at times, I don’t regret it. My own mental health is better for it, I know that.

Do what is right for you. You don’t have to be anyone’s carer.

Omgblueskys · 31/08/2025 10:26

MH team should be supporting you all op, have you told them how your feeling thsts a start, you will resent him op he refuses medication to help him, please don't become his carer because you will, he needs you help himself,

Please tell MH nurse your burnt out and how it's affecting your boys, what about their mh watching this play out op

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 10:34

No I'm not getting any help. Should I refer myself? There is a carers group number I was given.
All I think about is the impact on my kids. They are going into final gcse and A Level years so I'm not sure divorce and all that entails would help or hinder them (next year is the deadline I've given myself). @Temporaryanonymity yes his father was an alcoholic and seeing the effect on him of his mum staying I'd be out the door too if he started abusing alcohol or being verbally abusive.

OP posts:
Davros · 31/08/2025 10:40

Definitely contact your local carers organisation. Ours is excellent. Apart from counselling and activities they can give you a grant which must be spent on something to benefit YOU

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2025 10:44

I would reset that deadline you gave yourself because your kids and you have already had a miserable summer. What is the point of hanging on in another year?.

Studying in that household as it is currently is not conducive to them being able to study in either a peaceful and calm environment. There is always an underlying tension and they do pick up on all the vibes, both spoken and unspoken here.

Ratafia · 31/08/2025 10:45

Ask Social Services for a full care assessment, including a carers' assessment. Make it clear to them that the assessment cannot assume you will be providing care long term as you will be leaving.

What's the position with the house? Do you own it, if so is it in joint names, or what?

Omgblueskys · 31/08/2025 10:45

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 10:34

No I'm not getting any help. Should I refer myself? There is a carers group number I was given.
All I think about is the impact on my kids. They are going into final gcse and A Level years so I'm not sure divorce and all that entails would help or hinder them (next year is the deadline I've given myself). @Temporaryanonymity yes his father was an alcoholic and seeing the effect on him of his mum staying I'd be out the door too if he started abusing alcohol or being verbally abusive.

Ask the mh nurse who visits you h for any help support therapy for you and boys dealing with this,
You do need boundaries tho op, h needs to try and get better, and be better around the boys,
It's OK to talk to boys about it, and they in turn need to talk Ask questions, you don't want them going quite on you you three are all in the same boat but the difference is their ages, they are to young to deal with all the emotional feelings, how do they process this, that's where therapy may help them

OrangeSmoke · 31/08/2025 11:14

If it's what you want you can transition from wife to carer (huge if - absolutely not saying you should). I used to be a professional care worker and it was surprising to me how many people's main support was an ex partner or husband/wife, even ones who had moved on and remarried, it's quite common. I think sometimes having children together was a factor - it's not nice for the kids to see their other parent's life completely collapse, or at their ages there is a possibility they will take on a caring role themselves.

The key thing is to have clear boundaries in place. I think you need to live separately as a minimum. Then it becomes a question of what you are prepared to do. Daily check in visit? Morning visit to check he is up and ready for the day? Weekly shop or pop in a couple of times a week with meals? Or nothing?

Neemie · 31/08/2025 11:38

It is easy to resent people with mental health problems because it feels like they should be able to control them to a certain extent but they can’t really. Expecting someone to stay stable for their kids when they are going through a mental health crisis is a bit unrealistic. If they could stay stable, they wouldn’t have a problem. They can’t switch it off any more than someone with cancer can switch off the cancer.

If you step back, I expect one or other of your children will end up picking up the slack. Mental health services probably won’t. I don’t know the answer but I would try to carve out a tolerable set up for yourself that involves an acceptable level of input and hope the situation changes.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 12:48

Davros · 31/08/2025 10:40

Definitely contact your local carers organisation. Ours is excellent. Apart from counselling and activities they can give you a grant which must be spent on something to benefit YOU

Oh I had no idea about this. I didnt really think it applied to me until the MH team gave me all the leaflets about carers organisations. I'll look them up.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 13:02

Neemie · 31/08/2025 11:38

It is easy to resent people with mental health problems because it feels like they should be able to control them to a certain extent but they can’t really. Expecting someone to stay stable for their kids when they are going through a mental health crisis is a bit unrealistic. If they could stay stable, they wouldn’t have a problem. They can’t switch it off any more than someone with cancer can switch off the cancer.

If you step back, I expect one or other of your children will end up picking up the slack. Mental health services probably won’t. I don’t know the answer but I would try to carve out a tolerable set up for yourself that involves an acceptable level of input and hope the situation changes.

Yes I am also worried about this- that I can step out but they can't really.

The thing is ( and I fully accept that I don't understand what its like to go through what hes going through) is that I dont expect him to be able to do that now, when je is in the depths of it but I did expect him to keep taking his medication after he came out of hospital the first time, because he was stable and able to make decisions and function properly. He was aware of the dangers of not taking the meds because the consultant told him what would happen if he didn't. He is only back in this state because he didn't bother accessing treatment when he was lucid. I wasn't angry the first time. I'm angry that he didnt', when he was stable on anti depressants think 'Oh that was a terrible time for me and my family, Id better make sure I do everything I can to make sure I maintain my mental health'. Also everyone keeps saying he needs to access treatment himself for it to be effective so it has to be able to be done otherwise every professional wouldn't say 'He has to access treatment himself if you see what I mean. I want him to be in a position to help himself but I also don't want to be too enabling.
The way I'm dealing with it at the moment is that the only thing I'm doing is reminding him to take his meds, although I've asked him to put a reminder on his phone so he can take responsibility for it, and just going about my business and telling the kids to go about theirs as normal, but I don't' know whether that's the right thing or not.

OP posts:
Nearly50omg · 31/08/2025 13:05

I’d send him to go and stay with his mum for a while

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 13:29

Nearly50omg · 31/08/2025 13:05

I’d send him to go and stay with his mum for a while

Did that. Its how we ended up in the shitshow we are now in!

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 13:30

Ratafia · 31/08/2025 10:45

Ask Social Services for a full care assessment, including a carers' assessment. Make it clear to them that the assessment cannot assume you will be providing care long term as you will be leaving.

What's the position with the house? Do you own it, if so is it in joint names, or what?

We own the house jointly. We can pay all the bills out of my salary ( so we dont get a whole lot in UC because of that) but its things like kids activities/ extra curriculars that are a struggle.

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 13:35

OrangeSmoke · 31/08/2025 11:14

If it's what you want you can transition from wife to carer (huge if - absolutely not saying you should). I used to be a professional care worker and it was surprising to me how many people's main support was an ex partner or husband/wife, even ones who had moved on and remarried, it's quite common. I think sometimes having children together was a factor - it's not nice for the kids to see their other parent's life completely collapse, or at their ages there is a possibility they will take on a caring role themselves.

The key thing is to have clear boundaries in place. I think you need to live separately as a minimum. Then it becomes a question of what you are prepared to do. Daily check in visit? Morning visit to check he is up and ready for the day? Weekly shop or pop in a couple of times a week with meals? Or nothing?

Yes this is what I'm prepared to do. I think I'd be happy to provide some support as long as me and the kids had a calm place to escape to. I would be prepared to either pop in or have him come round for meals once or twice a week and engage with the kids ( like an alternative to custody if that's possible). Ideally when hes able, this would be my preferred scenario until the kids area at least both at University.

OP posts:
MickGeorge22 · 31/08/2025 13:46

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 13:30

We own the house jointly. We can pay all the bills out of my salary ( so we dont get a whole lot in UC because of that) but its things like kids activities/ extra curriculars that are a struggle.

Edited
Show quote history

Is he getting any benefits he may be eligible for based on his MH such as ESA ( if he's paid enough NI contributions and PIP ?

Supersimkin7 · 31/08/2025 13:50

The no-meds thing is horribly common and I’d find triggering a relapse as offensive as you do.

I think you might have to leave because you can’t live with the fear, the risk and the sheer stress of him doing it again. Your family being held to ransom won’t fix him.

How keen is he to stay with you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/08/2025 14:34

Does he actually want your help and or support?. It appears not and in the meantime your kids are suffering as well. Currently there is no calm place really for you and or the kids to escape too; their house is certainly not the sanctuary it should be. And if your marriage is dead why on earth string it out any longer regardless of whether or not you become his default carer?.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 15:23

MickGeorge22 · 31/08/2025 13:46

Is he getting any benefits he may be eligible for based on his MH such as ESA ( if he's paid enough NI contributions and PIP ?

Show quote history

The MH team are getting someone to speak to him about benefits. He'll probably be better off on his own because his benefits are cut due to my salary anyway.

I know I need to go and am not prepared to put the kids or through it again, so I just need to wait until he's well enough to engage

OP posts:
Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 15:24

Supersimkin7 · 31/08/2025 13:50

The no-meds thing is horribly common and I’d find triggering a relapse as offensive as you do.

I think you might have to leave because you can’t live with the fear, the risk and the sheer stress of him doing it again. Your family being held to ransom won’t fix him.

How keen is he to stay with you?

Who knows really. At the moment I suspect it's just convenient. I tried to speak to him about it before and he an g to his mums then all this started and I had to bring him back home to access treatment.

OP posts:
Beachtastic · 01/09/2025 23:18

All I think about is the impact on my kids. They are going into final gcse and A Level years so I'm not sure divorce and all that entails would help or hinder them (next year is the deadline I've given myself).

Have you talked to them about your plans? It's just that I remember sleepless nights wishing I could wave a wand to help my mum out of her miserable situation. Divorce is sometimes not as traumatic as witnessing a really unhappy marriage.

I'd be furious about the meds, too. Maybe he just likes being helpless?

MeTooOverHere · 01/09/2025 23:46

NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 31/08/2025 10:12

I've posted about this before under a different name but it's been all change since then and im not sure how to handle it.
My husband lost his job last year and had a breakdown and was sectioned. Since then he's been on a cocktail of meds. He's had 2 jobs which he couldn't do and another job he's in now which is very low paid and part time, but he was saying he couldn't cope with that either.
However over the summer he had another breakdown. We had been having problems before this because I didn't think he was being proactive with going to therapy etc and just kept quitting jobs instead of getting to the root of the problem and I was just tired of it. Turns out he wasn't taking his medication. I was furious. We have 2 kids going through exam years and he couldn't even stay stable for them. They have had a terrible summer with him in bed can completely uncommunicative. I've been taking them out of the house, sent them to their grandma's a few times etc, spending money we don't have because of his job situation just to give them a half decent summer. He is being seen by the community MH team and I'm making him take his meds so he is at least more communicative but still in bed.
The problem is as far as I'm concerned the marriage is still dead. I don't want to be married but he is still here, in bed all day and I have to tell him to take his meds and cook for him.
I feel like I'm doing ' caring' things like getting him to go for a walk and to do chores so more like a paid carer but when I read things it says ' tell him you love and support him' but basically I'm resentful, angry and am dreaming of a life of single hood! I still want him to get better, start going to therapy and hopefully hold down a job- just not with me! I'm not sure what to do for the best with regards to him either or what I should do to help him get better more than I am doing or should I just leave him to make the effort to get better himself.

Take this to the MH team. They are there not just for him, but to help him get better and hence they need to know what's going on with/for you. Otherwise you'll end up being anew patient for them. Take it to them now and let them help figure out a way forward.

Original poster
NoMoreCoffeeformethanks · 02/09/2025 02:01

MeTooOverHere · 01/09/2025 23:46

Take this to the MH team. They are there not just for him, but to help him get better and hence they need to know what's going on with/for you. Otherwise you'll end up being anew patient for them. Take it to them now and let them help figure out a way forward.

Show quote history

Do you know how I do this? Do I talk to the people who come round or refer myself to them, or should I just ring the team? The people who visit I normally leave them to it because I thought it would benefit him just to talk to them.

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 02/09/2025 02:04

An acquaintance was in a similar situation. She was at the point of leaving her husband when he had a stroke.

She stuck it out for two years and then organised sheltered accommodation for him. The council organised carers for him.

They're now divorced.

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