How to be a 'carer' when you don't want to be married anymore

[NoMoreCoffeeformethanks]

I've posted about this before under a different name but it's been all change since then and im not sure how to handle it.
My husband lost his job last year and had a breakdown and was sectioned. Since then he's been on a cocktail of meds. He's had 2 jobs which he couldn't do and another job he's in now which is very low paid and part time, but he was saying he couldn't cope with that either.
However over the summer he had another breakdown. We had been having problems before this because I didn't think he was being proactive with going to therapy etc and just kept quitting jobs instead of getting to the root of the problem and I was just tired of it. Turns out he wasn't taking his medication. I was furious. We have 2 kids going through exam years and he couldn't even stay stable for them. They have had a terrible summer with him in bed can completely uncommunicative. I've been taking them out of the house, sent them to their grandma's a few times etc, spending money we don't have because of his job situation just to give them a half decent summer. He is being seen by the community MH team and I'm making him take his meds so he is at least more communicative but still in bed.
The problem is as far as I'm concerned the marriage is still dead. I don't want to be married but he is still here, in bed all day and I have to tell him to take his meds and cook for him.
I feel like I'm doing ' caring' things like getting him to go for a walk and to do chores so more like a paid carer but when I read things it says ' tell him you love and support him' but basically I'm resentful, angry and am dreaming of a life of single hood! I still want him to get better, start going to therapy and hopefully hold down a job- just not with me! I'm not sure what to do for the best with regards to him either or what I should do to help him get better more than I am doing or should I just leave him to make the effort to get better himself.

I'd be furious about the meds, too. Maybe he just likes being helpless?
I'm starting to think this. I tried to give him responsibility for taking them but he still isn't doing it properly. He tells the MH team he's worried about money yet he has no money worries practically because I'm now paying all the bills, his meals just turn up paid first and cooked on the table, he's not the one having to ask grandparents to pay for music lessons and trips. I am.

I don't have kids so I cannot advise you on that but I had a major breakdown last year that I have had to recover from. At the end of the day my breakdown was not my fault but it was my responsibility to work on my recovery. That included taking my medication, attending therapy appointment's, changing medications when necessary. I had to want to get better.

What I am trying to say here is that your husband has to want to engage with everything available to get better, you cannot do it for him. Did he say why he stopped taking his medication? You are in a really difficult position and you have my sympathy. If he is not engaging in his recovery, there is not much you can do.

Because it's 4am and I'm awake and resentful I think is because he just forgets and there's little consequence to him not taking them. He can just lie in bed and everyone else just runs around after him. He's always been a bit lazy and unfortunately I feel I've enabled him over the years and just done things. Can I ask, I know all illnesses aren't the same but were you aware that you were responsible for your recovery and were you able to do things like remember to take your meds and treatment? What did you have that made you understand that?

Of course you can ask. I am in Australia, so its not 4am here😀
I don't really know when I knew I had to work to get better. In the beginning, I was like your husband and struggled to get out of bed. Getting out of bed and getting dressed was winning! Depression is a weird illness and you can get stuck in your own head. I just reached a point one day where I knew I had to try and not wallow in it anymore. Its been a rough road and I have had to change medications at times and relapsed another time.

Is it worthwhile having a discussion with him and saying that this is something you cannot do for him, much as you would like to? That he needs to try and the first step is taking responsibility for his medication, because the current situation is not working. I suspect if you saw that, some of your resentment would ebb.

Also take care of yourself, which I know is easier said than done. Care giver burnout is real

Hi.

just wanted to add my experience.

i had a breakdown during Covid. Not sectioned, but I had symptoms of dissociation, non epileptic seizures and memory blackouts. Was also experiencing loss of consciousness.

i am seriously physically disabled and at the time was living in a rented house with my adult DD who is also disabled with an auto-immune disorder. We’d left the family home after my then husband was violent to her.

i took every med I was prescribed. I sorted out an electric wheelchair as I was having too many tremors to use my manual.
I was working full time at the time and I asked work for a room for me to nap in and store my wheelchair in and to go to if I had seizures, which they gave me.

i vividly remember waking up after one on my Karrimat and weighted blanket that I’d stashed in there.

i never told my daughter until a couple of years later as she was suffering herself and didn’t need more worries.

some people in this sort of situation grit their teeth and get the fuck on with it.

others don’t.

it is to some extent a personality thing, and a persistence thing.

your husband sounds like he is having an impact on the whole family. Step back and focus on yourself and your kids. Your kids are at ages where they need support. Pull in grandparents, let school know the situation (my DD’s school were incredibly helpful) and get them the support they need at the critical time for them.

your husband has professional support. Don’t do the emotional support and getting him to eat/nagging him to get out in the sunshine etc stuff. Focus that in your kids.

if you can get you and your kids into a separate space then do so but be aware that in itself is a big change.

locks on their bedroom doors and keeping routine going and keeping them away from him as much as possible may be the way to go. Are there any grandparents you can ship in to help out at all for holiday times etc when they’d be around each other more? Either ship him out or get them to come down and keep him occupied.

Thank you both. I'm going to ring the MH team this morning. Kids are back at school on a few days but I did ask grandparents to take them a few times over the summer. @Octavia64 I am doing that although he is coming to eat with us and is at least engaging with us which the kids have said makes them feel he's at l great getting better. In going to have to give him a short deadline to start taking responsibility for his meds. It's good to know he should be capable of doing it if he wanted/ had to. At the moment the consequences of him getting himself well is that he'll have to get out of bed get a job and take adult responsibility which isn't that appealing!

If it was reversed he’d probably leave you. Does he have family you can take him to?

Have you applied for pip and ESA for him also as sounds like he would at least be able to get the lower rates, you can also put your a carer on UC and you get given something for that aswell

Being brutal.

If he wasn't there and you were officially a single parent, would you be entitled to more?

Yes we both would actually! His benefits wouldn't be affected by my salary and Is presumably get more because I was a single parent. There is someone coming round to talk about benefits tomorrow.

I told him to leave and go to his mums but he had a breakdown at hers and as she lives in a different trust he had to come back here! She is an even bigger enabler than me so made him much worse!

Then get legal advice.

I can't tell you what to do, but I do have a 22 year old DS who has severe depression (including suicide attempt) alongside physical health issues and chronic pain.

He takes his meds every day without fail and sucks up the side effects. He goes to his local Mind drop in. He goes out, cooks for himself, keeps his flat clean and tidy. He's looking for work, having completed a degree.

Mental illness isn't an excuse for not helping yourself.

If you want to leave, do so. You don't owe your husband your entire life.