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Original poster

DD and new partner

29 replies

bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 19:34

I could use some advice. I have 3 DS (dd17, ds15, dd12). Their DF and I divorced 5 years ago.

i have a new partner since 18 months. He is great, treats me well, chips in with the household stuff when he is at mine. Is friendly towards the kids but doen’s force a relationship with them.

DP and I are making plans for him to move in in about 10 months or so.

The issue is with DD17. She doesn’t like it when he is home with me. It isn’t about him, she also doen’t like friends of mine of the other DC’s to be in the house.

i don’t know how to deal with this. I love my DP and want a future with him. I also want to take DD’s feelings into account but don’t see how she’ll ever be at ease with him (or anyone else for that matter) to live with us.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
HardworkSendHelp · 30/08/2025 19:46

Is your daughter thinking of uni, could you hold off to she us 18?

Daleksatemyshed · 30/08/2025 19:48

Does your DD say why she doesn't like anyone else in the house Op, our DP I could understand but it's not her place to say no ones allowed to have a friend visit

Silverbirchleaf · 30/08/2025 19:49

I may rethink when you plan to move him in. That time coincides roughly when your dd is doing her exams.

naemates · 30/08/2025 19:52

You have to pick either your own wants or your daughter’s comfort

Original poster
bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 20:26

She’s off to uni next month. She’ll live in halls but will be home each weekend.

I suspect she may be on the autism spectrum though undiagnosed. I have asked why but she can’t really say. She often demands a lot of attention from me.

OP posts:
Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk · 30/08/2025 20:52

Well I wouldn't move another person into the house and have your daughter be uncomfortable. Why rush to move him in?

Pbjsand · 30/08/2025 20:56

She may feel differently once she starts creating her own life at uni.

Onwardspeople · 30/08/2025 21:05

She is 17, not 7 and she will soon be moving on, even if only on a part time basis. If she has, and can articulate, a genuine reason why she doesn’t like him? Then of course, you listen. If she is just attempting to control the situation, and she doesn’t like anyone else to be in her, but also YOUR home? Nope. Not happening.
Explain to her that her home will always be with you. But, just as she is moving on, you need to as well. She may well find that she doesn’t want to come home every weekend, I certainly didn’t, neither did my dc. She will always have a home with you (my dcs still have bedrooms here if they need them, even though they are grown and long gone) but you do need a life too.

Crushed23 · 30/08/2025 21:40

Is she very nearly 18? Only it’s August 30th and she’s starting university next month, so unless she skipped school years, she’s almost an adult. In any case, I would wait until she moves out in a month, but other than that don’t pander to this nonsense. You’re allowed to have a life and move on from your divorce 5 years ago.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 21:49

Onwardspeople · 30/08/2025 21:05

She is 17, not 7 and she will soon be moving on, even if only on a part time basis. If she has, and can articulate, a genuine reason why she doesn’t like him? Then of course, you listen. If she is just attempting to control the situation, and she doesn’t like anyone else to be in her, but also YOUR home? Nope. Not happening.
Explain to her that her home will always be with you. But, just as she is moving on, you need to as well. She may well find that she doesn’t want to come home every weekend, I certainly didn’t, neither did my dc. She will always have a home with you (my dcs still have bedrooms here if they need them, even though they are grown and long gone) but you do need a life too.

I do think it is a control thing. I find it quite hard to navigate though. On the one hand I get she doesn’t want to be around a man she doesn’t know very well all the time. But on the other hand I feel like she goes out and does her thing with her friends and then when she is home she wants to claim me.

We’re not in the UK and where we are all uni kids go home every weekend.

I like the idea of having a chat about moving on. I think the more time she has to get her head around it, the better.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 21:52

Crushed23 · 30/08/2025 21:40

Is she very nearly 18? Only it’s August 30th and she’s starting university next month, so unless she skipped school years, she’s almost an adult. In any case, I would wait until she moves out in a month, but other than that don’t pander to this nonsense. You’re allowed to have a life and move on from your divorce 5 years ago.

Yes, she turns 18 in October.

I don’t think that it’s about not wanting me to be with someone other than her dad.

I suspect it’s more an abandonment anxiety issue than anything else. Her dad pissed off to the US 6 years ago and she has a lot of resentment. I was always there for her and the other 2…

The other DC actually like having him around. Especially the youngest.

OP posts:
DoRayMeMeMe · 30/08/2025 21:54

bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 19:34

I could use some advice. I have 3 DS (dd17, ds15, dd12). Their DF and I divorced 5 years ago.

i have a new partner since 18 months. He is great, treats me well, chips in with the household stuff when he is at mine. Is friendly towards the kids but doen’s force a relationship with them.

DP and I are making plans for him to move in in about 10 months or so.

The issue is with DD17. She doesn’t like it when he is home with me. It isn’t about him, she also doen’t like friends of mine of the other DC’s to be in the house.

i don’t know how to deal with this. I love my DP and want a future with him. I also want to take DD’s feelings into account but don’t see how she’ll ever be at ease with him (or anyone else for that matter) to live with us.

What would you do in my position?

I would delay moving in with him

PinkFlloyd · 30/08/2025 21:59

Why is she planning on coming home every weekend and surely she has to be 18 by tomorrow?

Onwardspeople · 30/08/2025 22:01

bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 21:49

I do think it is a control thing. I find it quite hard to navigate though. On the one hand I get she doesn’t want to be around a man she doesn’t know very well all the time. But on the other hand I feel like she goes out and does her thing with her friends and then when she is home she wants to claim me.

We’re not in the UK and where we are all uni kids go home every weekend.

I like the idea of having a chat about moving on. I think the more time she has to get her head around it, the better.

Show quote history

She’s heading into adulthood. And, as an adult, we don’t get exactly what we want, all of the time. That is life. You know that, even if she doesn’t yet. She needs to learn to compromise. Because what is the alternative? You ditch this man and spend the rest of your life alone? I mean, do that if that will make YOU genuinely happy, but only if it’s for you. Don’t do it for her, because whilst she is obviously a priority, your wants and needs do matter. And if you teach her that she can control everything? She’s going to be very disappointed in life.

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/08/2025 22:14

bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 20:26

She’s off to uni next month. She’ll live in halls but will be home each weekend.

I suspect she may be on the autism spectrum though undiagnosed. I have asked why but she can’t really say. She often demands a lot of attention from me.

I've got an early 20s DD who is autistic and has always been very focussed on me. I think i'm a place of safety, trust and predictability. She has lots of anxiety and needs lots of help and reminders about life admin. I'm very proud of her though - despite numerous difficulties, she is doing very well indeed with her uni studies.

I would hold off for a bit on moving in your DP. Starting uni is a big transition and to be honest, you may need to deal with a lot of things to help your DD - I know I did.

Also, are you planning on getting a diagnosis for your DD? It really does help.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/08/2025 22:30

I don't think her going to uni is a good enough excuse to move a man in tbh.
It may cause more issues if she has trouble with changes and transitions to plan this at such a turbulent time.

It sounds like loads of time since the divorce but really you started seeing another man about 2yrs after you split whilst she was a young teenager, surely taking more than typical time to merge him in is better than rushing and causing hurt just because you want to... shes still your daughter that will be living at home.

DiscoBob · 30/08/2025 22:32

I wouldn't move him into my house if I lived there with my kids and one of them didn't like him.
Also it's quite quick. What if it goes wrong, he might end up sticking around for ages claiming he can't afford to move out? I wouldn't want to lose my independence.

Ultimately it's your choice. But blood is thicker than..erm...semen?

Original poster
bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 22:36

dizzydizzydizzy · 30/08/2025 22:14

I've got an early 20s DD who is autistic and has always been very focussed on me. I think i'm a place of safety, trust and predictability. She has lots of anxiety and needs lots of help and reminders about life admin. I'm very proud of her though - despite numerous difficulties, she is doing very well indeed with her uni studies.

I would hold off for a bit on moving in your DP. Starting uni is a big transition and to be honest, you may need to deal with a lot of things to help your DD - I know I did.

Also, are you planning on getting a diagnosis for your DD? It really does help.

Show quote history

Getting a diagnosis might be a good idea. I’m also very proud of my dd. she got into medschool which is not easy in our country. I do wprry a little about the 10+ years of studying and her reliance on me. I sometimes struggle to carry it all.

We’re not planning on moving in for 10 months/ a year. But I really like having him around mine. He really lightens my load both practically as mentally.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 31/08/2025 07:30

bumblebreath · 30/08/2025 22:36

Getting a diagnosis might be a good idea. I’m also very proud of my dd. she got into medschool which is not easy in our country. I do wprry a little about the 10+ years of studying and her reliance on me. I sometimes struggle to carry it all.

We’re not planning on moving in for 10 months/ a year. But I really like having him around mine. He really lightens my load both practically as mentally.

Show quote history

Congratulations to your DD!

I also find my DD’s reliance on me difficult. However since both of us were diagnosed with autism and ADHD, I have a better understanding of why she is like that and I am more accepting of it - she really can’t help it.

I really would strongly recommend a diagnosis for your DD especially given what she is about to embark on. In fact, according to my psychiatrist, everyone with autism also has ADHD. There is medication for that and it is life changing. My DD gets extra time for exams too.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 31/08/2025 07:33

Does she get her own way with regards to other visitors to the house? Have you ever stopped her siblings friends from visiting?

Original poster
bumblebreath · 31/08/2025 07:59

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 31/08/2025 07:33

Does she get her own way with regards to other visitors to the house? Have you ever stopped her siblings friends from visiting?

No - she knows she doen’t get to decide. I see that she is uncomfortable though.
With DP it is different because he is there quite often. But the dc are with me pretty much full-time so I am either away from them to see him or he is with us. I try and balance that out and also have 3-4 days a week when I am alone with them.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 31/08/2025 08:14

I would say your DD might feel she's being replaced if your DP moves in as soon as she goes to Uni, on the other hand if she'll be studying for 10 yrs and back weekends that's too long to wait. Could you wait for a bit longer until she's settled, maybe 18 months

towhoknowswhere · 31/08/2025 08:26

Why the rush to move him in? He’s been your partner for a short time so presumably still a bit of a stranger to your dc?
Why can’t you continue to be with him and live apart?

ChersHandbag · 31/08/2025 09:08

I really empathise with this from both sides.

I am lone parent of two teen DD. The older one is very resistant to change when it comes to me. I have a lovely partner but she’s neutral or unenthusiastic about him integrating any further than a bf who comes over occasionally. Not because of his traits, but just she likes her status quo. I’ve always been very open with them and said they’ll never have a stepdad or anything but also said I do like having a companion myself.

However, as a teen my parent got a partner who tried to be a real stepparent and I didn’t like it. When I went to uni they immediately reconfigured the house to be more of a ‘them’ space and I felt completely abandoned, even though I was having a lovely time.

I don’t know what’s best. It’s hard. Especially when you give so much of yourself already like we do. It seems tough not to be able to have a support person who loves you around.

Original poster
bumblebreath · 31/08/2025 09:26

i’m not sure I understand why people are talking about rushing. The moving is would happen the earliest after the coming schoolyear. And would be preceded by a lot of conversations with all the DC.

DP is pretty good at leaving the parenting to me. He doesn’t comment on behaviour and actually likes my DC as people. He has his own DC who are a little older.

The issue is not really about the moving in and more about how to keep the balance between the needs of my eldest dd, my youngest dc and my DP and somewhere in all of this also fitting in my own.

OP posts: