DD and new partner

[bumblebreath]

I could use some advice. I have 3 DS (dd17, ds15, dd12). Their DF and I divorced 5 years ago.

i have a new partner since 18 months. He is great, treats me well, chips in with the household stuff when he is at mine. Is friendly towards the kids but doen’s force a relationship with them.

DP and I are making plans for him to move in in about 10 months or so.

The issue is with DD17. She doesn’t like it when he is home with me. It isn’t about him, she also doen’t like friends of mine of the other DC’s to be in the house.

i don’t know how to deal with this. I love my DP and want a future with him. I also want to take DD’s feelings into account but don’t see how she’ll ever be at ease with him (or anyone else for that matter) to live with us.

What would you do in my position?

I’d just put it on the back burner for a few months and don’t discuss it further until she is settled into uni life - it may make her grow up and cut the apron strings a little once she is forging her own way in life and making new friends.

Maybe when the time comes you could make his moving in a gradual process and have him around more frequently so she gets used to the idea.

If she's in Scotland its possible to go to uni at 17. Or even 16.

I’ve not discussed the moving in part with her at all yet. I was going to wait until she’s settled.

There are other things to sort out before anyway. DP is a musician (on top of his FT job) and needs space for a music studio. He also needs time away from the madness once in a while and I enjoy the quiet at his space as well. So he would likely keep his flat for a year or so after moving. And then we’ll see.

But besides the moving in together, the issue is there generally when he is visiting. It might ease once she is at uni but I also don’t want the weekends to be tense. Nor for DP to stay away at the weekends because then she will never get used to it.

i think I will do 2 things:

1. have a conversation with her a few months into her uni days and talk about moving on an how important she is to me but also what DP means for me.
2. start a process to try and get an ASS diagnosis. I spoke with her about that today as she also thinks she is on the spectrum and she would like a diagnosis too. I am not sure her dad will be on board with that but that’s a hurdle for me to try and overcome.

And DP’s dd is expecting her first child, which my dd2 is very excited about! She lives down the road from me with her DP. That might change the dynamic too.

Thanks for the advice!

I agree