How to respond to ExH having a go at me

[Teletex]

My exh is remarried. Things were pretty amicable until then, but have gone downhill since, though I’m not entirely sure why.

i feel as though any chance he has to tell me off he takes it and I’m so bored of it. This might be my parenting (if kids have told him something they don’t agree with, from their point of view, and he doesn’t seem to realise they moan about him to me), or him calling me names over money or arrangements I have made to do with pets to be looked after or family occasions. This is always on phone or via text.

I sometimes say to him that surely as he has moved on with new wife he needs to stop looking at what I am doing and finding reasons to tell me off. Sometimes I put phone down or have a go back at him. I think he should pack it in but I don’t think he will so I need to work out why it bothers me so much and learn to rise above.

im frustrated that we have gone from amicable to adversarial so I need to make sure I’m not making it worse.

How does he find out what you’ve done?

Either from the kids or in laws telling him. Or it will be in a discussion about Xmas or his attempts to amend financial or custody arrangements

Block him on the phone etc and correspond only via email until he stops doing this. You owe him nothing, he is your ex not your current partner and therefore gets no say in your life.

Why are you having this lever of communication with a man you divorced some time ago? When I divorced my ex, we had 50/50 shared care of our then 6 yr old child and the only time we needed to speak was on the day we handed her over, and even then that stopped as the childminder would pass on any important messages. We would occasionally write a note if something was coming up when dd was meant to be with the other parent, such as a cousins birthday party, and we would confirm holiday dates as she would go away with each of us for q weeks in the summer. Other than that, we just didn’t need to speak!

I would smile and say “thank you for your input, I’m happy with my decision” every single time.

He’s getting some kind of pleasure from
trying to control your life or make you look like the bad guy/unreasonable.

Just smile quietly and go on as you were.

Then vent to a friend out of earshot of the kids.

Use a parenting app for all conversations going forward.
No need to speak to him on the phone or converse at drop offs.
Grey rock and use the 👌 emoji a lot.

This kind of man hates being ignored, so the less you respond, the more it’ll wind him up.

Keep your messages on the app short and factual and ignore any of his rants, or simply respond with 👌

It will do his head in 😂

I wish this was the case @Soontobe60 im not sure how to do things differently!

for example Xmas/birthdays are always a moving feast and I’m never sure when he is going to bring DC back or pick them up. I try to avoid using the kids as messengers. Holidays dates are also under discussion and who will take kids to medical appointments. I’d really rather never speak to him again, but thought that day would only come once the kids are adults.

How old are the kids and what is the custody / contact arrangements.

I’m liking 👌 and thank you for your input

Could you say 'I've heard your viewpoint, I'll bear it in mind'? And then just ignore completely, unless on any specific thing he has a point. I can't see any point arguing with him.

But if you feel able to give a specific example that'd help to understand.

They are teens. Custody is 9/5 days but I try to be flexible and accommodate things if kids or he want to do something differently

On the him telling you off, I'd just ignore or absolutely, this is the time for the thumbs up emoticon.

On things like arrangements, I think you just have to be as flexible as you're willing, and when that flexibility starts to run out, be clear on what you can/can't, will/wn't accomodate... "I don't mind which days around Christmas you want but our agreement is for me to have Christmas this year so let me know outside of that what your preference is"

id asked my teen to do some stuff for me which she didn’t do so I told her off. I probably was a bit fierce but I was super mad as it needed doing, and she had the time to do it and just didn’t bother.

she rang him upset, probably as I never shout and that time I did so then he called me to accuse me of all sorts and threatening to come and pick her up and take her away. What he doesn’t seem to realise is that they have plenty to say about him but I take it with a pinch of salt, plus I tell them whilst they are there I cannot get involved.

other things are less dramatic. His dad invited me into his house once and he went nuclear about that

If he rings in a situation like and you can't think in th emoment, just tell him you're busy and you'll call him back. Then calm yourself and prepare a simple statement and call back, then end call.

"Eg, she's a teenage girl who is upset becuase I told her off. It's normal and of course she's not happy about it. I don't get involved in your discipline issues, please don't get involved in mine". Allow it go go round no more than twice, then end call.

Why are you taking his calls? Just send him straight to answer phone. If he rants on the answer phone, delete it. If he asks for a call back, ignore it. If it’s anything serious like a health issue, kids will tell you. Just reduce your communication to email or text and grey rock until the cows come home.

Your concern has been noted thank you. And repeat and repeat and repeat. Is he wanting a reaction from you? Was/is he controlling? Come up with a stock phrase and dont deviate from it

He was financially controlling. Which is the bit I’ll never be forgiven for. Taking half of ‘his money’

he did get his own way about most things. Though i became quite good at working out how to get the outcome i wanted from time to time. Was no point going head to head as he was so stubborn!

Op tell him to msg WhatsApp only as from now on you won't need to talk over phone, because you need to keep a record of conversations, when he does msg ' hopefully in future,' you always rely with 👍 or something like ' i see' fine' grey rock, but you'll make him think your keeping a paper trail of communication moving forwards,

😊 is a good one to ,

Block him on the phone. Set up a new email and only access it when required. Surely the teens can organise their own contact? I’d also be asking them to stop telling h8m everything that happens that has nothing to do with him.

I'm counting down the days until my children have their own phones and can arrange contact with their dad without my input. He only has them EOW any way. I would just block him tbh, he has no reason to contact you at all and if your children have phones then that will be okay!

You need to ‘drop the rope’, he cannot argue with himself. In my case I blocked all phone communication and would only respond to emails he sent to my (monitored) work email. Anything not totally relevant to the children was ignored. After a year or so of this we have been able to resume occasional texting as it’s easier but any sign of it slipping and I’ll immediately go back to email only. It took me a long time to realise there was no point in engaging with him, as infuriating as it was. You’re not letting him win if you don’t defend yourself. He will lose all power and you will feel good!

I agree with the other posters - do not take phone calls, limit communication to a single channel such as a co-parenting app (ourfamilywizard or talking parents, where all messages are retained and can be produced in court), and ignore/greyrock all rants. I am in a similar position - not just does exH think he needs to give me a talking to on all my life/parenting choices, he also rants and rages about my many character flaws, how awful I was to him etc. Wounded masculinity! All utter nonsense. Why give your exH rent free space in your head - ignore all the rants, and only respond to the messages on logistics.

Do this and as suggested by others never ever speak to him in real time. The reason he phones you is that he knows that gives him the advantage; you feel unable to stand up to him over the phone and so in that situation he has power over you.
Therefore when you answer the phone you are giving him power over you, stop letting him draw you into arenas where he has the advantage. Every time you subordinate yourself to him like this it gives him an incentive to keep on trying to dominate you.

Op always keep in mind, when he's on the call to you berating you is ow in background egging him on, this might be the change you are seeing op, children have a little moan dad OK but ow in background exerting her place by egging him on to call you and put you in your place,

Just a thought op, seen this with my bill, he was an amazing dad did everything with his boys, but all of a sudden things dropped off, too busy, forgot made plans, all at short notice, his relationship ended with ow and that's when he apologise to children for his shitty behaviour towards them, ow was in the background egging on, making sure he was unavailable for his then teenagers, it's not the same as your situation op but this came to mind when I seen your post,
You said you both co- parented well previously,

You’re facilitating this by allowing it carry on. BLOCK HIM!!!!!! Unless u have tiny children then there is absolutely no need for you to have contact. BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK