How to respond to ExH having a go at me

[Teletex]

My exh is remarried. Things were pretty amicable until then, but have gone downhill since, though I’m not entirely sure why.

i feel as though any chance he has to tell me off he takes it and I’m so bored of it. This might be my parenting (if kids have told him something they don’t agree with, from their point of view, and he doesn’t seem to realise they moan about him to me), or him calling me names over money or arrangements I have made to do with pets to be looked after or family occasions. This is always on phone or via text.

I sometimes say to him that surely as he has moved on with new wife he needs to stop looking at what I am doing and finding reasons to tell me off. Sometimes I put phone down or have a go back at him. I think he should pack it in but I don’t think he will so I need to work out why it bothers me so much and learn to rise above.

im frustrated that we have gone from amicable to adversarial so I need to make sure I’m not making it worse.

Grey rock. Every time you respond to him it feeds his ego.

I have a friend who went though similar so everything went via email. It makes a huge difference, particularly because you have a written dialogue that you can always go back to. Stop phone calls now by blocking and then send an email saying you will only communicate that way. He’s enjoying the power he still has over you, did he display narcissistic tendencies when married? It sounds like he is now, please don’t engage.

Sorry you are dealing with this OP.

Remind yourself: “This is not about me being a bad parent or person. This is about HIS difficulty managing feelings, control, or boundaries. I do not have to absorb his tone or words as truth.”

I recommend a short, neutral reply “I hear your concerns. I’ll think about what you’ve said.” (instead of engaging in the argument) If there is name calling say something like “I’m not going to continue this conversation if it becomes insulting. Let’s talk later when we can both keep it constructive.”

if it escalates say “I’m ending this call now. We can pick this up another time.”

Perhaps consider using a co-parenting app (like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents) to log all communication. This reduces impulsive phone/text arguments and creates accountability.

Agree you are allowing this behaviour. They are teens, you do not need to be involved in communications any more. They can be done through the children. You don't even have to be home for drop off/pick up's. Get a ring door bell, tell them he's not allowed in and to meet him in the car outside only. Take his power away NOW.
I rarely speak or message my ex. I moved home 200 miles away as he used to control me like this.

It’s tough to balance an exH when you have to tread around custody and finances.

The easiest way I have found is to use text message and keep replies short and sweet. It’s easier to control how you react and you have record of his behaviour towards you.

Remind your children that what happens in your home stays in your home - you all deal with issues between you as the only adult and the kids without outside input.

The difference with what happens at home is that you are the ‘safe’ adult being one that is more emotionally mature and not a bully.

I had to tell my children at a young age that I now don’t converse with people who use bullying behaviour and tactics and that included their father. Sad thing is - they understood.

Oh I feel for you, my ex was the same when he got remarried, it went from being fairly civilised to him just being absolutely horrid to me every time we spoke. He kept trying to make me out to be a bad mum and that him & his wife were better parents. I’m sure they were great on the 2 days a fortnight they had him. The financial abuse didn’t stop either even with the CSA involved. My son is now 19 & contact/maintenance has stopped, it’s been a long 16 years of not being married to a man who got his kicks from making my life difficult. I really hope you don’t have to suffer this for long.

When my ex has a go at me I just reply, 'your comments are noted.' I hope it's sufficiently infuriating!

I feel for you. My daughter is 20. My ex has always been in her life but put a lot of things first before her, left her out of family holidays etc, worked away for months at a time then not seen her much when home.. as an early teen she was typically awful and my ex decided that this was all my fault instead of realising the hormones were flying about. Zero help when things got tough. New wife chimed in etc. instead of helping me and encouraging our daughter to be a bit nicer! It’s been a tough old time and she went to live in their box room 6 months ago after an argument about her not pulling her weight in our home. Your ex sounds like mine, it’s a shame these men just don’t see that teenagers like a moan etc. Hope it gets better for you!

OP, he sounds like a controlling arsehole and a very poor parent.

And what the fuck was his problem with you entering his dad's house??? Jesus, some people.

While there is little you can do about him other than ignore, I would certainly be having a word with my daughter and asking her to never again put me in such a horrible position. Your kids aren't babies, I am sure they have a pretty shrewd idea of what their dad is like and the way he speaks to you.

If my DD ever deliberately sewed discord between myself and her dad, I would be very upset with her. In fact, she goes out of the way to avoid doing so, as she would never want to put either of us in an uncomfortable position.

I do realise that this may sound like I am putting too much responsibility on a child, but I don't think we do our kids any favours if we infantilise them as they grow into young adults. Tell your daughter that her choices led to an upsetting situation for you - that you are always happy to work any conflict through with her, and that you will always apologise if you over react, and trust her to do the same, and that you will be looking to her in future to be mature enough not to go crying to dad as soon as any problems arise.

I wouldn’t engage.

First of all this isn’t working so I would do:

Sit down with kids and say this house my rules, his house his rules.

if they object to something you have done they can address with you when they are calm but you won’t have him intervening.
so ….. ‘Dave my rules in my house, my parenting same goes for you’
rinse and repeat.

But do not answer the phone when he rings or leaves a voice mail.
do not be a punch bag standard phrases

’I do not appreciate your tone, my house and my parenting rules I am ending the call now’ put the phone down.

But I would send an email sorting out the contact arrangements for September

days set in advance for at least a month, no conversations needed in the meanwhile

end calls and do not reply

‘I am not discussing this with you’

Another good phrase is ‘I will get back to you on that’