Plotting my escape - hand holds would be nice, please.

[DuckslnARow]

Dear Nest of Vipers

Longterm poster, name changed for privacy. I am embarrassed to be in this position.

I am stuck, financially trapped. I am devastated and possibly/probably depressed. I had planned a better life but my ex cheated and I lost so much money, my safety net has gone. I have no family of origin. Ripe for NPD abusers, now I know. I'm doing all the research into NPD whilst looking for my way out.

I just need a safe place to vent right now.
I feel utterly sick.
I am with a man who is not the father of my children. I was in a bad place when he met me - their father was cheating on me, we were living separate lives but stuck in the same house til it sold.

I don't know how much to say here as I don't want it to be outing. I may change some details if I worry it's identifying. But suffice to say, I came out of the marriage with not enough to buy a new place, and after a bout of illness digging in to what little I did come away with, I am still stuck renting and can barely make ends meet. Bottom line, and I see it clearly now, new guy swooped in when I was vulnerable, offered a lifeline, a promise of a future, and I am in a bad place now, trapped and dependent on a financial lifeline he pushed with promises of a shared future, but his promises have not happened, and I see now that when we met, he told me what I wanted to hear - love bombed, future faked, lied - he mirrored me and my values, and now I'm finding out we are not aligned in the ways that matter. He is not physically abusive and we don't live together, but please believe me when I say for now that I am stuck. I am working on getting a better job, but finding the job market brutal.

I just wanted to post here as I feel so sick and I know many have come out of similar messes.

I feel so awful for being with him and plotting my escape. It makes me feel like a liar. I hate this so much. I hate my life.

[Edit for typo]

Holding your hand love 🩷

Thank you. That made me cry. 🩷

Op am lost here, so you don't live together?
Guessing you had your rented property before you met this guy?
Why are you so financially dependent on him to a point you can finish this relationship

Back away. Be less available to see him. Have you got a talent for a side hustle? Crochet? Knitting? Making jewellery? Can you iron?

Hand hold from me. It doesn’t feel like it now but it will get better. One day at a time - it’s overwhelming to start over again. Maybe start with writing down where you’d like to be in one year, two years, five years. Then make a to do list for now. It’ll feel better when you can start to tick bits off.

what type of work are you looking for (and what is possible if you need to work round childcare?). Do the kids spend time with their dad? That could free up some time for working - even if just waitressing or pulling pints? Could you work from home doing copy typing type jobs? You could work that around kids and log on for a bit when they’ve gone to bed (not ideal and I know it’s hard work, but could help in the short term - and short term is the hardest hurdle and the first step to improve things).

I am struggling with not saying too much as I don't want to be outing.

I just wrote a huge reply but I can't post without stressing this will somehow end up on the front page of the Daily Mail and he'll find it. I need to bide my time.

I'll sum up as briefly as possible that he offered me part time work til I got on my feet - I am still working for him, in a self-employed capacity, whilst job hunting. I have been job hunting for over a year, had a few interviews, but my god the market is brutal. I have been ghosted twice after separate phone interviews where they promised an in-person interview to follow, this is not how it was 30 years ago at all. If I didn't have the small job I do with him, I'd go under. I was lucky to even get those interviews, the numbers I'm hearing are 300 people for one position.

There are a few other traps including something to do with my accommodation. but I really fear being outed. Please believe me that I am well-educated and know my position, I have looked at my options, contacted Shelter. but for now, I need to bide my time.

The above is an over simplification, I truly can't risk letting him get wind that this is me.

Aww good luck op I truly hope you find a job,
💐

I am working on an Etsy set up right now, but am not especially crafty, but looking at how to make that work.
I am looking at what my options are, I've started writing on Medium just as an outlet but I suppose that could eventually lead to paid reads, but that's not a big earner afaik, unless I get really lucky.

I am otherwise utterly NOT crafty. I was cleaning but have a health injury that makes that hard, likewise for ironing. I mainly need a proper job that is not connected to him, really. But this is proving really hard to come by.

Thank you. I hope so. I see so many people though for whom it does not get better, and it has me in floods of tears. Cost of living is brutal. Rent is brutal. Finding a job, brutal. I spend many hours applying for jobs, getting nowhere. I know one will land, but til then, I am trapped with him. Where I live, rent is so high, I just can't afford to lose his financial support.

My main goal is simply a better job. I can't be too outing but it is office work, ideally wfh more often than not, that would be ideal. I felt I got really close with one of the interviews but they just disappeared without even letting me know.
I am applying for so many jobs. I desperately do not want to be doing self-employed bits here and there, really - I need something secure.

My kids only do EOW with their father. He moved away and lives too far away to do school run and after school stuff, so that is all on me.

There's a bit more to it, this trap I am in of his making, that I truly believe he deliberately manoeuvred me in to when I was vulnerable and not thinking straight, but a job away from him would be step one in my escape plan.

Thank you.

OP just a thought about the interviews to date - as you work for your partner is he providing the reference? Otherwise where are these coming from? I am just wondering whether there’s a reason behind the responses from employers dropping off.

Have you run your scenarios through the benefits calculator, or have you already claimed all you can? Looked for housing association homes re rents?

I've only had three interviews (well, one in-person interview and two phone interviews) in a year, none have got to references stage. I have two friends in HR who have looked over my baseline CV (obviously I amend for each job, and sometimes I send them my updated ones), they say my CV is great, and that it's really just luck and numbers these days, and to keep on trying.

Yes I have run the benefits calculator. Benefits are woefully inadequate for the area I live in. I can't move - this is my home town, and my children are settled here with friends and school.

This has turned into a thread about work. Please let me assure you I am on top of what I need to do financially to escape this trap. I do not want to be self-employed long-term. I am looking at side hustles too, but these would be to top up rather than survive on. Well, who knows - maybe something will take off. I really am keeping an open mind.

I really posted to get emotional support and a handhold at being stuck with a narcissist. Having to tolerate his lies, up and down moods, and pretend everything is ok, its draining and demoralising and I feel very conflicted.
Looking back on all the things he told me to entrap me - and it's not just the work, but I don't want to get sidetracked on that right now - I just feel like a gullible idiot - it's easy to see in retrospect but he lied, he told me he was the things I needed to believe in, and I know now these were all lies. I wanted to see if anyone could relate.

I'd really like to focus on that. I have had other threads about my work/job hunt and that's not my issue here.

Keep a diary - one day when you’re in a better place you can read back and see how far you’ve come

massive hugs xxx

I believe you when you say you are stuck. Sometimes “just leave” is impossible. Stay strong and keep up the charade, if that is what you have to do. I know you didn’t want job advice, but you say you were in admin work? Is registering with a temp agency an option? Contract work maybe? Sorry if this is an unworkable solution, I really feel for you. Your sadness is palpable. X

Sending love to you xx

Thank you. I have just started doing this. It has made me realise all the more how much I need to get out.

Thank you so much. If it was as easy as just get a better job, I'd have done that, I'd be out like a shot. I DO have to keep up the charade, and that makes me feel awful, I keep having to tell myself it is survival. He is making a liar out of me.

The issue isn't so much day to day money. I mean, yes, I am skint at the end of every month, it's long term that is my most pressing concern. I need a better paying reliable job that I can feel secure in, before I can walk from him. Temping is too precarious, as is being self-employed. I have absolutely no safety net. Other than him. I believe this is one of the things he zoned in on, because it made me vulnerable. I've learnt a lot about NPD once I started noticing a pattern of behaviours.

Thank you.

So sorry to hear about what you're going through. It's scary feeling trapped - I can relate to that feeling at certain times from my past- but keep strong, keep believing in yourself and that the situation will improve.

As the PP suggested -and sorry, I know you didn't really want suggestions regarding work- registering for an agency alongside the small self- employed role you're currently doing might be a good way forward. A longer term temporary position might lead to something more secure and you may meet people who can offer support and reduce your sense of isolation.

With benefits - if you're living with dependent children you can earn £411pm without it affecting Universal Credit (or £678pm if you're not a renter).

If your self employed earnings are low trying to increase your income/savings via agency work and/or benefits seems to make sense.

Good luck and keep making plans for the life you want.

Thank you, I appreciate you replying. I don't need work advice. I am clued up on that. I need a lottery win, or for a side hustle to do phenomenally well, or a rich old uncle to remember me in his will. I don't have any rich old uncles (or aunts), chances or winning the lottery are miniscule, and I am not especially talented when it comes to side hustles.

What I am asking for here really is just some kind and supportive words to get me through while I act the part of caring girlfriend to a man I feel is a misogynistic, horrible, unethical man, who engineered me into a position of dependence when I was ill, vulnerable and struggling. Whilst I work on my escape route, I've got to play along, and that goes against every honest fibre in my body. I need people to believe me when I say know my options re work, believe me when I say that I am financially trapped by him (and systemic poverty, I guess, meaning that I can't afford anything other than a one-bed apartment without his help now), and despite not living with him, I am tethered. He is a master manipulator and utterly toxic, but my children would be worse off if I presented myself to the council as homeless, I understand the waiting lists and what others are offered (facebook posts galore about damp and cockroaches and drug dealing) so for now, I bide my time and act my part for the sake of my children. Tale as old as time. I am REALLY struggling to tolerate him.

I would never have understood how bad being with a narcissist is until experiencing it for myself.

[edited to reduce brevity tone]

Was a terrible situation you are in. Firstly, don't blame yourself. Men like him have a super power of spotting vunerable women and manoeuvring them into a position of dependence on them. You were doing the very best at the time to support yourself and your family. I can't even begin to imagine what you are going through, but instead of framing it as living a lie, can you manage to reframe it as taking the necessary steps whilst you are making your plans to escape?

I totally understand why you don't want to present as homeless. Many years ago I was on the cusp of having to turn up at the council with a suitcase and a toddler. I would have been placed on an estate that was notorious for being a no go area for the police. You are staying to protect your children from experiencing that.

You are being incredibly strong. I wish I had some magic words for you, but all I can do is offer you a virtual hug, tell you to keep your head up high and know that you will get free, no matter how long it may take x

Sending you a hug and a hand hold. Don't feel guilty. He is the one who should be feeling guilty.
You sound very strong. You can do this. One step at a time. Trust that one day you will look back with so much relief.

Thank you - this is the kind of kindness I needed to hear really. I feel SO stupid, so gullible, but he was so convincing and looking back, clearly a well-practiced narc and liar. I see through it all now, but I was at a real low point and he clearly saw this.

Thank you - I swing from framing it as doing what I need to do as a mother to keep a roof over my kids' heads, and then othertimes I feel like a liar. But I have never been deceitful in a relationship in my life, til now, and it's only because I am a single mother and finances are as they are that I am desperate. The government safety net is not sufficient. He also did manoeuvre me into a tight spot, and even though I have to take responsibility for accepting his help at the time, I look back and think, he did this on purpose, not to help me, but to trap me. So that makes me feel less bad about not letting on that I have seen through his lies and future faking, and in return am doing what I need to get through the days til I can make a change.

I really appreciate the virtual hug, thank you.