Plotting my escape - hand holds would be nice, please.

[DuckslnARow]

Dear Nest of Vipers

Longterm poster, name changed for privacy. I am embarrassed to be in this position.

I am stuck, financially trapped. I am devastated and possibly/probably depressed. I had planned a better life but my ex cheated and I lost so much money, my safety net has gone. I have no family of origin. Ripe for NPD abusers, now I know. I'm doing all the research into NPD whilst looking for my way out.

I just need a safe place to vent right now.
I feel utterly sick.
I am with a man who is not the father of my children. I was in a bad place when he met me - their father was cheating on me, we were living separate lives but stuck in the same house til it sold.

I don't know how much to say here as I don't want it to be outing. I may change some details if I worry it's identifying. But suffice to say, I came out of the marriage with not enough to buy a new place, and after a bout of illness digging in to what little I did come away with, I am still stuck renting and can barely make ends meet. Bottom line, and I see it clearly now, new guy swooped in when I was vulnerable, offered a lifeline, a promise of a future, and I am in a bad place now, trapped and dependent on a financial lifeline he pushed with promises of a shared future, but his promises have not happened, and I see now that when we met, he told me what I wanted to hear - love bombed, future faked, lied - he mirrored me and my values, and now I'm finding out we are not aligned in the ways that matter. He is not physically abusive and we don't live together, but please believe me when I say for now that I am stuck. I am working on getting a better job, but finding the job market brutal.

I just wanted to post here as I feel so sick and I know many have come out of similar messes.

I feel so awful for being with him and plotting my escape. It makes me feel like a liar. I hate this so much. I hate my life.

[Edit for typo]

I truly appreciate the kindness. I don't feel like I sound strong at all. I don't have my kids this weekend and have been crying about my situation on and off a lot of the day. It's hit me so hard today. I am working on plans to escape his trap, it's just such a hard slog, and I feel old and like I should be at an easier stage of life by now. I am exhausted and not sleeping well. It's all because of him. I can't wait for that day that I am free. I know the relief will feel amazing.

Wishing you strength and luck to get through this, op. It took me 20 years to realise I was married to a covert narcissist. Try not to feel shame. It can happen to anyone. I find listening to podcasts helps. I like IndoctriNation, and anything with Dr Peter Salerno (see his YouTube videos) and Dr Ramani. Try to grey rock as much as possible. Take care.

Just adding my support OP. My ex partner beat me up when my son was three because I’d gone with friends to the pub without him. We obviously split up after that. I ended up selling the house and moving back to my home town with my son. Such a very difficult time. We stayed with my parents until we found somewhere to live. Fast forward 30 years and I’ve now been happily married for 26 years and have another son. When I look back at what I put up with I’m baffled. I’ve come so far and you will too xx

Thank you for your kind message. I am glad you got out.

I hear you re shame, but it's hard, because I do feel so gullible. Looking back, it was all too good to be true, everything he said. I feel so stupid. I feel so broken and ruined. It is very hard to see a way out.

I've been watching reels by Dr Ramani, and a few others on Fb. It was actually some random fb reels that started me putting the pieces together to realise the trap I was in and the man (beast) I am dealing with.

I am SO sorry you experienced that. I am so glad you got out, and that you had supportive family to help.

I know what I am putting up with, and I know why. I have no family to fall back on. I can't imagine ever wanting to be with another man, ever again, so working out how to manage on my own (financially) is causing a lot of stress and worry. xx

I’m sorry I gave you work advice yesterday, you said twice that wasn’t what you needed! I really hope things turn around soon.

How did you work it out to be a convert narcissist? I’m curious about my own circumstances.

It's ok, I totally understand it comes from a place of care and trying to help. Thank you.

@Liftmyselfupagain The marriage had been hard work and confusing for such a long time that I was googling some of his behaviour, particularly how he used to claim that I was rejecting him whenever I did something that wasn't about him. I thought he might have ADHD. But the search threw up articles on covert narcissistic traits and it was suddenly so obvious. But also horrifying. I still struggle to come to terms with all the emotional manipulation that I thought was his stress or anxiety because of his upbringing. Some of the other red flags were his aggressive driving (and blaming me for his driving because I had apparently made him angry), waking me up regularly at night (various excuses for that, mostly him needing emotional support), and dumping me (before we got married) because I had had an accident and couldn't travel to see him one weekend. No empathy, no compliments, criticises everyone behind their backs, overreactions to minor things, has to be a priority (and if he isn't, he's either completely uninterested, resentful, or says he feels rejected). Once I had realised, it made our divorce negotiations so illuminating and just confirmed it all for me. I only got through it by grey rocking and remaining completely calm while he would rant and try to bully me.

OP, can you try to do one thing for yourself each day? Even if it's only something tiny - buy yourself a bar of chocolate, stop to smell some flowers, watch some birds soaring free? Two minutes for yourself, something to give yourself a bit of hope that there is a life out there for you.

You can do it. It might take a bit of time and be awful while it's ongoing, but one day - one day you will be out there. Look after yourself in the meantime, try to find pleasure in the small things and look to the future.

Well done. It is draining stuff. I reckon I’ve been confused 9.5/10 years of my marriage. What age were your kids?

Thank you. I think I am quite good at this, and I 100% appreciate what I have, especially my children. It's going to take a big change in circumstances to turn things around, but I am increasing my efforts re the job hunt as that is most pressing. But even if I do get a decent job, and can escape him, I worry about managing in retirement, stuck renting, and not feeling like I am at peace with my housing situation.

I dont know how old you are, but I didn't manage to get on an even keel until I was 40, and was skint up until my early 50's. Once you are free you will be in the right headspace to deal with it all. Honestly, I had days when I could only feed my son but there was still an overwhelming feeling of relief that I had escaped. One small step at a time x

Thank you. I am already early fifties (trying to be vague for non-identifying purposes), had my youngest quite late in life. It's proving really hard to get a job at this age. Still, I am persevering, of course. I am glad you have escaped and are making it. x

Job hunting in your 50s, even if you have loads of experience is soul destroying.

Thank you, I am finding that to be the case. It is utterly demoralising. I need to think of an alternative route out, as despite applying to lots of jobs, I'm not getting many interviews. I'm even applying for roles that are paying less than half of what I was on before kids (15+ years ago). It is HORRIBLE out there, and I feel past it. I need to think outside the box. Can't really face the prospect of slogging my guts out til retirement anyway. I am so tired and drained.

It’s not you. Age discrimination is alive and well.

Thank you! I think it is too. Doesn't help me though. I need an alternative, really. Just did two extra lines on the lottery. I realise it is rather unlikely.
Feeling quite down.

Hi op as you’re a mum, could you train as nanny or childminder or nursery worker or teaching assistant supply?

Thanks for the suggestion. That just doesn't pay enough to fix my problems, not in this area.