Argument over a £1

[ForGentleBeaker]

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

Are you suggesting she should try and recoup the loan?

when people have “lost everything including their home” that’s generally your sign you’re not getting anything back.

Caving in and becoming an emotional wreck is very different to stepping up and working as hard as possible to make good the damage. Falling into depression and anxiety just meant he had to carry on with no support, possibly while supporting you

I thought exactly the same; there's a lot of "me me me" in OP's posts and nothing at all about anything done to try to earn back at least some of the money, or even an answer to the many questions about whether she contributes to tthe home financially

That property was not yours to give away to your friend who wasn't in a situation of never paying you back

Edited to add that unfortunately it was, @Safxxx; OP said that her DH owned the place originally and then added her to the deeds
An unfortunate decision as it turned out ...

Are you still friends with the couple you ‘lent’ I say that in the loosest of terms as if this happened years ago and they haven’t paid you back then it’s more of a gift

if I was your DH I think that would probably annoy me more especially as they clearly have no intention of paying you back after all these years, if my friend lent me money due to dire financial issues I caused myself, I would 100% be doing everything possible to get myself sorted and repay my friend

but your DH is correct, if they got into a shit financial situation due to poor money management they were never going to be able to repay your to allow you to make the loan repayments

Turns out he was right, wasn't he? Imagine putting your own family at financial risk because of some saviour complex. I would have been furious with you. Difference is I would have left. He should probably have done that.

FFS why are so many of you unable to cope with a bloody disagreement?

He is quite rightly (IMO) pissed off that you have totally ruined a secure financial future with your misguided (and quite frankly stupid) attempt to be lady bountiful for a so called friend who has proved not to be as she has clearly never made any attempt to pay you back.
He made the decision to bail you out and you've moved on but seeing you penny pinching when you shouldn't have to be, has obviously triggered his worries about your financial security. It doesn't mean he obsesses over it constantly.

It certainly sounded like he thinks you don't contribute equally financially and have an inflated sense of your own value in the relationship, so that needs discussing

Just have a conversation with each other when you've calmed down, clear the air and get over it. Like adults.

Caving in and becoming an emotional wreck is very different to stepping up and working as hard as possible to make good the damage. Falling into depression and anxiety just meant he had to carry on with no support, possibly while supporting you

I thought exactly the same; there's a lot of "me me me" in OP's posts and nothing at all about anything done to try to earn back at least some of the money, or even an answer to the many questions about whether she contributes to tthe home financially

Do you think mental health illnesses are by choice?

So... did you take this personal loan out without his knowledge, knowing that if you couldn't repay it the two of you would have to sell his investment property to cover it?

(I say "his" investment property as he bought it with a gift or inhertance from his parents before you got married and you hadn't contributed to it?)

My questions were ultimately leading to ask what has OP done to build bridges with her husband. If efforts were made or if she is as lax about it as she appears.

I do agree, probably not could've been done to get some money back, but for the sake of 10s of thousands (presumably) i personally would've sought professional advise.

This isn’t a “disagreement” though, is it? Did you miss the part where her husband has been harbouring resentment towards her for years without giving her any indication that there was a problem, then randomly exploded on her in the supermarket, called her a bitch and is now refusing to speak to her? I don’t see how she can “have a conversation” when conversation isn’t an option.

If that level of abuse is counted as a simple disagreement in your relationship, your bar must be pretty low.

You sound quite surprised that your DH had a rant at you.

I'd imagine he'd have more than a rant if he sees your title being headed with 'Argument over £1' as if it's funny . It sounds as if you feel it should be forgotten by now , when you says it seems that he is harbouring resentment .

Your husband couldn't fall into anxiety and depression or become an emotional wreck, @ForGentleBeaker he had to carry on and support you and the children. Now he is worried about his job and anxious for the future it is time for YOU to step up and help and support him and your family. This is something you can do and something you absolutley should be doing and saving £1 on shopping isn't it.

Do you think mental health illnesses are by choice?

If you're mentally ill and have a partner and children, you have a responsibility to get yourself help. You can't just use it as an excuse to absolve yourself of all responsibility and expect people to forgive you.

Lazy - because SAHP while her husband shouldered her debt with his investment property while still working to support a family of five.

Deceitful - because it sounds like they discussed it and then she went ahead and did it anyway. If a husband did this to his wife, everyone on this thread would be absolutely ripping into him.

Lacking in integrity - because she has misinformed everyone with her thread title. I think that is symptomatic of her whole attitude. She is very dismissive of what she has done. She is very selective with the information she gives, as is her prerogative, because it paints her in a increasingly poor light.

OP abused him financially, on a massive scale. I think being called a bitch, once, is getting off bloody lightly in comparison to the damage she has done.

It is not a "disagreement" though

Its emotions and thoughts that have been bubbling and simmering for years on the husband's part. He clearly has huge resentment towards op and it isnt healthy that he still feels this towards her so many years later.

I don't blame him for his feelings, but I also don't think op should resign herself to live with this level of resentment that will not go away, since it clearly hasn't lessened over the years

A conversation and clearing the air when they calm down will not fix this

She did get herself help. She got herself into treatment for the mental health issue.

She brought up the anxiety and depression because a poster accused her of not feeling any guilt over it.

Being completely honest, if I was your husband and sold my property to repay your ludicrous debt, thus missing out on a huge property increase, I’d never forgive you either. That resentment would eat away at any feelings I had for you until resentment and contempt was likely all that was left. 😬

He has a lot of repressed anger about the property thing.
Did you coerced him years ago, re your friend's imenent loss of their home?

People can still work and earn a living while suffering from anxiety and depression. OP also likely still looked after her children with anxiety and depression while getting treatment for it.

How do you know OP isn’t doing anytime to financially support the family?

People make mistakes. And my God, you made a fucking whooper. And you know that. However, it's how you behave after a mistake that really matters imho. If this had been me, I would have done whatever it took to repair the damage. You should have owned this @ForGentleBeaker and it seems you sat back, became a SAHM and let you husband pick put all the financial burden.

That wouldn’t have been very useful tbh. Presume the OP would’ve known she could register a debt with the bankruptcy or take out a small claim against her friend. She didn’t do either and I don’t think for a second it was due to lack of advice.

Thank you, tumblingdowntherabbithole; I was about to reply to @Didimum's post myself but you put it better than I could

I'll be very clear that there's no way of knowing whether this applies to OP, but it also wouldn't be the first time someone has self diagnosed themselves with this and that in order to avoid responsibility for whatever it is

How do you know OP isn’t doing anytime to financially support the family?

Edited to add we don't, which probably is why so many have asked about this.
However for whatever reason OP's chosen not to respond

Yes - it's great she got herself help for her self-inflicted issues, but where's the support for her poor husband? If I'd fucked up on the scale OP did, I'd be doing everything in my power to help make it better.

When I read your posts, @ForGentleBeaker, it sounds a lot like you're minimising what you've done. I understand that you felt bad and you had therapy - but what support did your husband get at the time? In his shoes, I would have felt furious, betrayed and completely trapped. Did he get any counselling to work through his feelings?

What did you do to show him you felt remorse and that you would stop putting others before him in such a life changing way? Did you/do you continue to socialise with these people? Did you go back to work?

I think your husband needs individual therapy before you can even consider marriage counselling, and I think you need to reflect on what you can do now to ease his financial worries. This may involve looking for a better job if you're currently working, or going back to work if you're not. The underlying issue is he doesn't feel like you're on his team. If you can do something to show him with actions that you are, then maybe you can work through this with professional help.

I hope you find a way through this, whether it's with your husband or without him. Ultimately, as you have children together, it's in your best interests to at least reach a point where you can coparent civilly, even if the marriage itself has no way back.

You are married and took out a loan for a friend, even when you knew your husband was against it? That's terrible. I'd be angry if my husband did that for a friend, leaving us worse off. You could get a job and start putting money into the shared account, to make him feel more financially secure.