Page 21 | Argument over a £1

Bunnycute23 · 30/08/2025 15:01

I might have a Chinese tonight. I'm vegetarian. The place nearby does tofu. Its great.

Wilfulignoranceabounds · 30/08/2025 15:02

To be honest OP, I think coming on here may well undo any good that your therapy did. These comments are only gonna make you feel worse about the situation. Do yourself a favour and stop reading them.

bumbaloo · 30/08/2025 15:04

sourdoughtoastisthebest · 30/08/2025 09:52

If it was his property, surely he consented to borrow money against it? Not sure why it’s 100% your fault?

The bigger issue is the fact he’s calling you such nasty names. There’s no excuse for that.

I don’t think the money was borrowed against it. I think she borrowed money and just couldn’t repay so he had to sell it so op wasn’t fucked

Blankscreen · 30/08/2025 15:05

It not an argument over £1 it's resentment over probably hundreds of thousands of pounds.

I don't think if I was you DH I could have forgiven you and probably would have ended the relationship when you helped them against my wishes.

If he worrying about his job and future then it probably brings into sharp focus the loss of that financial security for your family and children.

I feel like you need to post the figures involved to give some more context

PlacidPenelope · 30/08/2025 15:05

I am guessing you took out the loan and gave it to your friends to stave off repossession of their home? Did it never occur to you how risky this was? If they couldn't keep up morgage repayments how on earth did you think they could take on additional repayments to you? How much did you give them @ForGentleBeaker ?

How long did you fail to make payments on the Bank Loan for? You say you were racking up penalties which I guess is why your husband felt compelled to sell the house to clear the debt you accrued.

FollowSpot · 30/08/2025 15:07

Well unfortunately worry about his job and financial security will throw the lost money into sharp relief.

Amidst your anxiety and depression , OP, did you apologise?

Caving in and becoming an emotional wreck is very different to stepping up and working as hard as possible to make good the damage. Falling into depression and anxiety just meant he had to carry on with no support, possibly while supporting you.

Pinkfreedom · 30/08/2025 15:07

Who borrows money to then lend to a friend?

I don't understand that, at all. Nobody does that.

BlondeFool · 30/08/2025 15:07

So you got a 75 grand unsecured loan pregnant for a ‘friend’. This must be one of the most stupid things I ever read on here. I’m out. For those of you suggesting women’s aid as she’s abused, her husband is a saint.

Unijourney · 30/08/2025 15:07

I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do

Yes there was, you could have got a job and contributed to yhe house.

You say your husband is now worrying for his job, as sole provider that is concering so its understandable that he will be reflecting/ruminating on your financial error that means your family are less secure.

When wondn blow up, it's always 'reasonable"' . I suspect your dh is under enormous pressure

LesCigaresVolants · 30/08/2025 15:07

thelongestwayhome · 30/08/2025 14:57

Which bank would give the OP a £75k unsecured loan?
Anyway it’s redundant now, as due to a massive drip feed, the property was a highly leveraged BTL.

Show quote history

I was obviously using that as an example figure. The OP says it was a large sum, but what that means is subjective. We don't know since the OP won't provide any answers to any of this. But if she was on a reasonable salary, she may well have been able to secure a largish personal loan if she had needed one while she was still working, to be paid off over, say, 3 years. The bank would not necessarily know she was pregnant at the time of application and had no intention of returning to work. Nor would the bank know about the arrangement with the friend and who would be paying the money back.

bumbaloo · 30/08/2025 15:10

He sounds incredibly stressed and being stressed makes us behave poorly. Yes he spoke outrageously out of line but I can forgive him this as he sounds at the end of coping with all the financial stress of struggling due to you playing Mary bloody Teresa with money you didn’t have and screwing up your family’s financial security.

unbelievably stupid and unconscionable thing to do. And then to perhaps not even strive to rebuild by not working and spending unnecessarily. He’s probably feeling completely fucked and can’t see a future where he can relax without the burden of financial responsibility on him. All because you wanted to be some hero to people who made their own mess.

I’m not surprised in times of extreme stress like when he is fretting about his job that he feels unbridled rage for the position you put him and your whole family in.

even your title is minimising things

Dragonflydancer · 30/08/2025 15:10

I feel less bad for him now I know he was a would be BTL London landlord who was planning to rake in 6 figures through unearned wealth

Bunnycute23 · 30/08/2025 15:12

LesCigaresVolants · 30/08/2025 15:07

I was obviously using that as an example figure. The OP says it was a large sum, but what that means is subjective. We don't know since the OP won't provide any answers to any of this. But if she was on a reasonable salary, she may well have been able to secure a largish personal loan if she had needed one while she was still working, to be paid off over, say, 3 years. The bank would not necessarily know she was pregnant at the time of application and had no intention of returning to work. Nor would the bank know about the arrangement with the friend and who would be paying the money back.

Show quote history

Its actually possible to run off into the night if you're being abused.

The degree to which finances Trump safety on this site does me noodle in.
.
Get yourself and your kids our.

Worry about pensions (will not be half!) Later.

bumbaloo · 30/08/2025 15:13

Pinkfreedom · 30/08/2025 15:07

Who borrows money to then lend to a friend?

I don't understand that, at all. Nobody does that.

Fecking STUPID people
never lend what you can’t afford to lose.

Original poster

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 15:13

Bunnycute23 · 30/08/2025 15:12

Its actually possible to run off into the night if you're being abused.

The degree to which finances Trump safety on this site does me noodle in.
.
Get yourself and your kids our.

Worry about pensions (will not be half!) Later.

Show quote history

Is this directed at me?

OP posts:

CaptainMyCaptain · 30/08/2025 15:14

Bunnycute23 · 30/08/2025 15:12

Its actually possible to run off into the night if you're being abused.

The degree to which finances Trump safety on this site does me noodle in.
.
Get yourself and your kids our.

Worry about pensions (will not be half!) Later.

Show quote history

?

Homegrownberries · 30/08/2025 15:14

If this happened years ago and his level of anger is new, then something about your current financial situation has changed. You said that he's been worried about money lately. I suspect that your financial situation is worse than you realise. You need to investigate.

Wilfulignoranceabounds · 30/08/2025 15:14

Unijourney · 30/08/2025 15:07

I had to have therapy to deal with this but, there is nothing I can do

Yes there was, you could have got a job and contributed to yhe house.

You say your husband is now worrying for his job, as sole provider that is concering so its understandable that he will be reflecting/ruminating on your financial error that means your family are less secure.

When wondn blow up, it's always 'reasonable"' . I suspect your dh is under enormous pressure

“Can do”…she’s talking about now, not then. Her op reads like she is working now, although … who knows. Working when her kids were little may now have been financially viable given the extortionate cost of childcare.

She’s getting absolutely skewered on here. If she felt bad before she posted, God knows how she feels now. I’m baffled as to what kind of responses she was hoping for.

everardshutthatdoor · 30/08/2025 15:14

FollowSpot · 30/08/2025 15:07

Well unfortunately worry about his job and financial security will throw the lost money into sharp relief.

Amidst your anxiety and depression , OP, did you apologise?

Caving in and becoming an emotional wreck is very different to stepping up and working as hard as possible to make good the damage. Falling into depression and anxiety just meant he had to carry on with no support, possibly while supporting you.

This ^

Hereforthecommentz · 30/08/2025 15:16

BlondeFool · 30/08/2025 10:03

He had to sell his flat to bail you out. I’d have divorced you.

Absolutely.

Homegrownberries · 30/08/2025 15:18

If he hadn't sold the house to help you pay this loan he might have sold it at some stage over the years. People sell investment properties for all kinds of reasons. It's not a given that he would have held on to it and still had it at it's current value.

He's obviously really struggling at the moment.
He looked after you when you needed it. It's your turn to step up and look after him.

Robin67 · 30/08/2025 15:19

heroinechic · 30/08/2025 14:32

You presume wrong, I’m a working mum. I have the upmost respect for SAHM’s though. I couldn’t do it! They are often under appreciated.

Glad you aren’t abusing your husband (yet!)

Show quote history

I absolutely could do it. I am part time until youngest is 4. I enjoy my job and I am good at it. So actually I don't want to give it up. Partly because I enjoy it, partly for the financial security of now and the future, but also because I don't want to set a bad example to my daughter or my son. But actually my days at home are more fun and infinitely easier. It's is not comparable to the world of work. I respect working mums more because of this

I passed on your concerns to my husband. We are on a long drive home and you made him chuckle. So thanks for the entertainment.

Didimum · 30/08/2025 15:20

BlondeFool · 30/08/2025 15:07

So you got a 75 grand unsecured loan pregnant for a ‘friend’. This must be one of the most stupid things I ever read on here. I’m out. For those of you suggesting women’s aid as she’s abused, her husband is a saint.

OP did not say it was £75k. No one knows the amount.

everardshutthatdoor · 30/08/2025 15:20

I don’t want to add to the kicking so I’ll say this. Your DH needs supporting. He is stressed and unhappy and lashing out. It’s your turn to step up. Have a plan to make good the loss somehow so that you can enjoy your future together as a family. Move house, move country, do whatever it takes.

user1471471849 · 30/08/2025 15:20

ForGentleBeaker · 30/08/2025 08:57

Years ago my best friend and her husband ran into severe financial difficulties and were going to lose their home. I was pregnant, hormonal, emotional, my head was all over the place, and I desperately wanted to help them.
At that time I had no money but we owned a property in an absolute rundown part of London - my husband purchased it with a gift from his parents and I was added to the deeds after we were married.
Long story short, my attempt to help my friend went awry, and my husband had to sell the property. The property is worth an absolute fortune now. The whole area has undergone gentrification, and we missed out on the crazy London property boom.

My husband doesn't ever want to discuss and I had thought we had put it behind us. I have immense guilt.

Last week, whilst grocery shopping with him, I exchange a premium product for a store brand, and he went ballistic. He started mumbling about why I was saving pennies when I happlynlissed away so much trying to help my friend.

In the car, I was called a jumped up bitch, and he spent the journey home ranting at me for making him sell the property; being a SAHM when the children were younger; spending money; and diminishing his role and magnifying mine.

He is refusing to speak to me because he doesnt want to listen to the verbal diarrhea coming out of my mouth - his words.

I don't know where we go from here. We have 3 children, and he is an excellent father, and husband, till now. It seems he has been harbouring this resent towards me but there is nothing I can do.

I can totally understand why your DH would be annoyed about this. The resentment is obviously festering since it happened and now that he's older it must be hard to not get annoyed about not being in a stronger financial situation.
He wasn't on board with you lending money to your friend, yet you did it anyway, essentially putting his feelings and wishes in second place to your friend. His concerns about her not paying it back were correct. I think the not respecting his wishes part is the main problem. These kinds of decisions ( to lend money) have to be made as a team.
I think the only thing you can do now is go for couples therapy to see if the relationship is strong enough to save and to see if you can both get past this, otherwise it'll be a nightmare for you both.