Disagreement about a MOTORBIKE

[mrsQKR]

Long story short, my husband wants to get a motorbike, I think its a stupid idea!
Its causing little bickers.

We used to save together but its gotten to a point now where I think separate savings is better simply because if he wants to treat himself I wont be so pissed off ? and I just think its a waste whereas ive always been more sensible with money.

Family and household life will never be last and everything is paid for and the kids are always provided for first without a doubt so the motorbike essentially will come out of the half of what we saved ( we split it )

I still just think its a stupid idea, but he has always loved motor bikes so instead of it causing agro ( which it has done already) do i just let it go?

In general we are pretty solid and work well as a team and I know people need their own things and we cant just go about life just working without treating ourselves on occasions. Although I'm the sort of person that feels guilty about even buying myself new clothes! I dont know why stupid really so maybe this is why I'm annoyed ? Because hes essentially treating himself and I think its selfish? But in theory is it really?

Opinions please. Am I just being a dick?

To add to this... does it work completely sharing finances ? We always have done and if I'm honest it has caused some issues over the years.

Do we share the majority of it going forward for the home, kids etc and the rest we have to ourselves?

How much is he looking to spend? Make sure he includes cost of insurance, safety gear, locks, etc.

Look into how his particular bike holds its value (assuming it doesn't get written off...)

Once you know the true cost of it, I'd want to know how that compares to the savings as a whole. If he's saying spend his half on a bike, that leaves none left for you, what does he say about that?

My wife and I had a joint account for bills, and put money in in proportion to our earnings, so if one earned 100k and the other 50k, then the one who earned 100k would put 2/3 of the amount required for bills in the joint account, and the other would put 1/3.

That covered everything. The remainder was ours to do with as we pleased. That said, any major decisions were discussed. Also, we still regarded whatever was left as joint finance. We were high earners at that time. There were also times when one of us wasn't working, so the other took over all of it.

In the instance of the motorbike, what is your objection? The cost or the danger? If he has ridden bikes all his life then he should know what he is exposing himself to. If it is an imbalance of expenditure, that is a longer discussion.

Why does he need your permission to get a motorbike, OzP? My husband had one for years. It was nothing to do with me, but actually turned out to be really useful for commuting in the city. And it was a great hobby for him. You can't tell an adult what he can and can't do - this is his choice.

We have never shared any finances in over 30 years, and it works brilliantly. We rarely need to discuss money, and if someone wants to buy, say, a bike - they can.

Thank you for replying. He has never ridden a motor bike but hes always wanted one! Hes mentioned it a few times over the years. So in theory he would be a new driver, hes a sensible driver anyway but I think the main issues for me are

1. the dangers that come with it And
2. he mentioned when we go out as a family he can follow behind and the kids can watch.

The second one annoyed me purely because why does we need to be in separate vehicles? Or am I just being stupid?

I'm the one dealing with all the children while he has a peaceful ride.

Maybe I'm just over thinking it which again I have a habit of doing.

Am I being unreasonable?

I didn't say he needed my permission 😒 generally big purchases are discussed in relationship
I'm glad your relationship is great thanks for the input

He can get a motorbike as long as he funds extra life insurance.

To be honest hes bloody clueless in all that so I dont think he realises what it entails ! I dont think hes even thought about insurance to be honest hes more interested in looking at the bike itself

Fair statement

Well, firstly my husband was killed on a moped so I have a particular view of motorbikes. I would not be impressed with the idea of him buying a bike. You have children and I am risk adverse.

The following behind thing is weird - like you need to validate his choices by being an audience? Also locally to us a lady was following her husband on his bike and watched him be killed on said bike. As I said I am risk adverse when it comes to bikes!

The savings thing would depend how much of the joint savings he wanted to spend. Could you take out as much and buy something solely for your use? Would that leave enough of a safety net for you as a family? The answer to that would influence whether him spending a significant portion is okay or not.

I'm so sorry to hear that 😔

My friend was killed my motorbike when we were teenagers.

I dont like them never have but he does. I just think hes being selfish on the matter but then again we aren't the type to ever go out or treat ourselves to big things as our money as always gone into the house and children. So I dont know ?

I thought @Pootles34
approach re being realistic about the total cost was a good one.
But I would also not be happy about the dangers on the road of him riding a motorbike.
As for his suggestion about following behind so the kids can watch: I would actually be totally disgusted with that. It makes him sound like a little boy himself who wants to show off. And actually that he wants to regress to a time when he was young and single. And, as you point out, leave you to be the solo parent while he enjoys his toy.
I would actually think less of him if he actually went ahead with this purchase. And I would be concerned that he is hankering after a different lifestyle that involves less responsibility and family commitment.

I hated DHs motor bike.
It irked me that when I had a little windfall I automatically spent the money on things that needed doing in the family home, but when he had a little windfall he spent it entirely on himself by buying a motorbike. I wouldn’t have dreamt of spending my few thousands on a handbag or jewellery, yet he bought himself a motorbike when we both already had a car each.

That said, it was his only hobby. He really enjoyed it, he met up with friends for scenic rides out, was in an owners club and went on charity rides etc.

It worried me to death every time he went out on it, but it was something he really enjoyed. He sadly died of cancer last year, so I now find myself feeling happy that he at least got to spend time doing something he enjoyed.

Motorbikes are dangerous and selfish. You are not being unreasonable and for me i would be telling him that you are totally against it and do not agree with it. This way when the inevitable happens you can say "don't say you weren't warned" (if he's lucky)

See this is whats annoying me! I will never agree or think its remotely a good idea but the bit about following us is bothering me. Why not just go out on his own ?

Exactly my point. He just seems to be being so immature about it

I could have written this 10 years ago. We always had and do have shared finances. Husband always really wanted a motorbike. I was worried and scared and didn’t want him on a motorbike. We have 2 children.
Anyway, long story short he did his CBT training then got full motorbike licence. He got a small bike, transitioned to a bigger bike. Used it for a commute but also enjoyed a couple of motorbiking holidays with friends. He’s now sold it as he changed job and no longer needed it for the commute.
He really enjoyed his motorbike while he had it, it was cheaper than a car for a commute.
I didn’t get the attraction and still don’t but I have other things I like to do which he doesn’t and I’ve got to do those things.
good luck.

My whole family have bikes, always have. To be honest, bikes come and go, and in summer it’s great but in reality in the colder, wetter months, the bikes spend more time in the garage than they do on the road. I’d also ask your husband whether he’s considered cost of maintenance for the bike, do you have a safe space to store it throughout winter, with power, as you can guarantee it’ll be flat as a pancake when he goes to ride it again 😂

I’d maybe say to your husband that he may want to rethink timing and wait till next spring to consider it but look into doing his CBT in the meantime. He may hate riding a bike! Especially now we’re heading into autumn, the novelty of riding in the cold may ruin the dream 😉

If he's never ridden a bike tell him to book and pass his CBT before buying one, he can't just get on one and ride it. He also is restricted I the size he can ride until he passes the full test.

He might even find he does not even enjoy riding one.

My partner rides a motorbike and he told me his helmet costs £800!!! And, AND you need to replace it every 5yrs. 😯

Anyway, its his thing and he has riden all his life and has two bikes. But it's an expensive hobby. The helmet, the clothing, the insurance etc .... and I can see how it could become addictive, wanting a bigger/better bike every few years.

Three if you use it all the time too!

My husband is a biker. He's had bikes since he was around 18 and always had them since we met. I knew this about him when we met so I've always been supportive. I still love going on the back with him for a spin too.
I can absolutely understand your worry though that he wants to do this later in life. I knew my DH was a biker when I married him so I knew this was something I'd have to be ok with whereas your DH is wanting to add this in now.

DH had been riding a motorcycle before we met and when we started living together I took a CBT and the full test, from never having riden at all, to conquer my fears and this was in Central London! It made me realise that no matter how good you are, the state of the roads is fraught with issues and a bike's vulnerabilities are at the whim of so much. I drive a car and am always bike aware now. DH agreed to give up the bike for me, as he also knows that getting older you don't bounce so well and two of his close friends had bad accidents, one died, one nearly lost his leg and they were riders of very considerable experience, including having one been a motorcycle journalist. If he is set on it then not sure what you can do, but I'd definitely up the life / accident insurance and a bike costs considerably more than just the purchase price. Maybe going through the licence process will also change his mind!

Hi OP,
My partner has motorbikes (has done for years on and off) which he bought with his own hard earned money - we have never had a joint savings account we do have a joint account where we each put a proportion of our earnings towards bills and food shopping which works well then our savings money/rest of earnings we can spend as we like without having to discuss or debate anything.
I completely understand you questioning the decision to have a bike from the safety point of view because I was always exactly the same and its actually quite a big commitment if he is serious about doing it. I have learned to trust my partner not to be careless and to really think before going on rides (e.g riding at certain less busy times of day and only when dry so he doesnt have the issue of riding on the wet slippery roads) to the point i now dont even worry that much because hes proved he can be sensible while still getting to have an amazing thrill. He has taken years to really build his skills and has always taken safety very seriously so he has all the protective gear and hes always kept himself very educated on safer ways to ride that they dont even show you when your a learner (e g watching you tube videos from professionals/skilled road riders for advice).

With this sort of hobby I do think there needs to be an understanding that yes he can spend his half of the savings as he pleases but he needs to be serious and really be clued up on riding safely as this will also benefit you. There should also be an understanding that you get an equal amount of time to pursue your own hobbies while he looks after the children.

I think you need to list all the things he would need to buy/spend money on to have a motorbike:

Life Insurance (much more expensive for a rider)
Bike lessons
Bike itself
tax
bike insurance
mot
tyres etc
bike storage (they regularly get stolen)
full set of leathers/bike safety outfit
boots (feet and ankles often get broken/damaged by other cars driving on them/hitting them, so biker boots are a must)
waterproofs (we live in the UK 🙄)
helmet

Price all of that up and agree that you will split your savings and he can buy any bike stuff out of his share.

In our local area, I know, personally, four bikers.

A) died on his bike, leaving a wife and two primary aged kids.
B) had an accident and now can never ride again, but he can also never work again or do many things again, so his wife works full time and raises their kids and does the housework and all the driving and the caring for him.
C) sold his bike and all his stuff when person A died who they were very close to
D) lives next door to the widow of A and still has a bike that he only rides on sunny days a handful of times a year and almost has a hobby “tinkering” with it most weekends. I know that the widow of A used to cry/have panic attacks when she heard D’s motorbike start up, not sure if she still does and she’s never told D this, but I know she can’t stand to be around bikes generally (obviously).

The person I actually feel most sorry for is B. She is literally run into the ground doing everything for her family and despite recently having time off work for exhaustion, she was still so busy at home she was actually relieved to go back to the office. At least A managed to buy in help with childcare and cleaning etc from the life insurance/death in service, but obviously her and her kids are still grieving.

Essentially, that’s a long-winded way of saying as well as not wanting to spend savings on a motorbike, I also wouldn’t want to end up as the primary earner and carer for a husband who injured himself in a completely avoidable way.