Am I being controlling in not wanting fiancè to meet his ex

[Ibahnis]

Sorry this is long and jumbled I need to get it out somewhere.

I've been with fiance for 5 years, engaged for just over a year and wedding is planned for next summer. He's bi which I've never had an issue with but before me he had a very serious relationship with a man he met at uni. They were together the whole 3 years during uni, maybe a bit more then kind of on and off afterwards. He's always described it as toxic, but said it was the first time he'd really loved someone and as much as they both wanted to make it work they'd hurt each other in different ways so it wasn't to be. I hated hearing that but I guess everyone has a past

When we first got together they still had a bit of contact, just the odd happy birthday on Facebook or whatever, nothing flirty from what I saw. Then about 4 years ago ex moved to Germany and I thought that we the end of it.

He's recently moved back to the UK with a girlfriend apparently but all of a sudden he's messaging fiancè again. Some messages come late at night which I don't like at all. Fiancè says it's just catching up and ex wants to meet up with him for a drink. I said I wasn't comfortable and he said I was being controlling and insecure and he can have friends if he wants.

But here's the part that worries me. Last Christmas I went in to the loft to get the decorations down and right at the front there was a box. Not dusty or hidden away so he must’ve had it out recently. It was literally right there on top of the Christmas things. Anyway inside there was things like his graduation photo etc, but there were loads of photos of them together and a pile of love letters from his ex, saying how fiancè was the love of his life, things about the future etc, I didn't read them all this was just one. There was also a letter right at the top that fiancè had written but not sent to him saying he still loved him and wished things could've been different etc. The date on it was prior to us getting together so I'm not worried about that but I've never been able to forget it.

I put it all back and never said anything but it’s been sitting in my head all year. And now with him back here and messaging again, I can't shake the feeling that if they saw each other again something could happen . Fiancè says it’s ancient history (they split up over 6 years ago now) and that he’s with me and marrying me so why would I think he wants someone else. But if that’s true then why keep all those letters? And why was the unsent one right on top like he’s been reading it again?

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to say no, don’t meet him, or if I am being controlling and paranoid.

AIBU?

There’s no reason to be in contact or friends with an ex unless you have kids. It’s a choice. It was also your choice to get engaged to a bi man. I would leave you clearly don’t trust him and you’re not even married yet. Nightmare.

I would say you don’t feel comfortable them being in contact and ask him to choose.

I don't think him meeting up with his ex is the issue. The issue is he WANTS to meet up with him. And if he really can't understand how justified you are in being upset about this then he is being unbelievably obtuse.
I would suspect he will always have feelings for this guy .
You would probably be better off not marrying him

I don't think him being bi is an issue and I don't want this thread to be derailed with biphobia. I'd feel the same if if were a gf.

I agree that the “bi” is a red herring. But I wouldn’t want him to be meeting up with an ex like this.

@Ibahnis if you didn’t want it to be an issue then why disclose he’s bi? You could have left all that information out and just used the word ex instead. You clearly have an issue or you wouldn’t have mentioned it.

As his friend/ex has a girlfriend now, why doesnt he suggest that you all meet up together, the four of you?
See what he says to that suggestion

No I wouldn’t be happy either. It all sounds a bit unfinished to me. Nostalgic trips down memory lane are dangerous and unnecessary. If he’s really not interested in listening your concerns and understanding why this makes you uncomfortable, I’d be questioning the future of this relationship.

I agree - surely if his ex is a friend, he would want to introduce you as his fiance? I know all my DHs friends and their partners, he knows mine. We often meet up together as well as him going out with them on his own.

I was good friends with my ex for many years and still have the love letters too. It didn't mean anything about my commitment to my DP. I've had partners who were friends with exes too and never understand the prevailing Mumsnet view that it's unacceptable. I'd have found it controlling to be told not to do that.

Having said that, is he happy for you to be part of the friendship? What would he say if you said you'd really like to meet his ex, since he's your fiance's friend and they're so close? If he wants to keep him separate that would be concerning for me.

Absolutely he should not be back in contact with him, never mind meet up and be messaging late at night. It makes it worse not better that he's doing this while planning to marry you. It sounds like one of those stormy, "star crossed lovers" type things that always smoulder away and can stop you moving on to a healthy adult relationship if you let it. If he really loves this man he needs to be with him and stop messing you around. And he should not be planning on marrying you while he's so conflicted. It would really worry me and I'd think twice before staying with him.

But the bi is relevant op, because this man can give him something uou can’t. Very different to if he was meeting a woman. And no id not have that either. The thing is you can say no. But you know he will just lie and go anyway, hide it from you.

I think you both need a talk, but that talk has to happen after they’ve met up, unless you would be ok with him seeing this man on the side when you’re married.

I disagree with the above posters. Everyone has a past, most people have been in love before the person they get married to. I've kept love letters from my ex but I'm completely committed to DH, I've just kept the letters as a sort of keepsake. They split up 6 years ago, I think you should try to trust him. Meeting up as a foursome is a good idea though.

Have you actually had an all cards on the table talk with your DF?
Explain why you feel the way you do, tell them what you found, ask them their intentions, ask them how they would feel if the situation was reversed etc?
He needs to be open to having a proper talk with you and not throwing words like "controlling" at you and refusing to talk. The refusing to talk would be a big enough red flag for me.

Totally agree. There's a reason they are exes

I just don't want this thread to transpire into biphobia of “all bi people cheat” “he's really gay” etc etc. I don't have an issue with the fact he's bi, he was very upfront about it and has never kept it a secret.

I don't have an issue with him keeping the love letters but why the one he didn't send? Surely after he decided not to send it he would've thrown it away and the fact he must’ve been looking at it not long before I got the decorations down as I said, it wasn't hidden away or dusty.

I know his ex doesn't live in our area anymore, they live elsewhere and are apparently have only moved back for a year. But he messages fiancè late at night, for example we went away for the night and when we got back to the hotel his ex was messaging him. Fiancè hadn't been on his phone all night and I don't know what he said as fiancè didn't check.

I agree with @GreenAndWhiteStripes

Was also going to suggest meeting up as a foursome- your fiancé should be agreeable to this and might put your mind at ease

I’m another who thinks you’re being controlling.

You’re entitled not to want a partner who has contact with their exes, but the way you achieve that is ending the relationship, not by dictating who your partner can and can’t speak to. All that will achieve is a toxic relationship, and probably a partner who cheats on you.

Sometimes people text late at night as that's when they have the free time to do it. Your fiancé is not hiding it from you, from the sounds of it so why does the time of day matter?

I think it's manipulative to still have an ex hanging around.

I'd be wary of anyone who was friends with their most recent ex. There needs to be a significant period of time apart before any genuine friendship can develop, because there are too many other feelings involved immediately after the break up. And often one side will be hoping for more than friendship really.

They had a toxic relationship but it never really ended just morphed into friends.

I chucked all my love letters from my first bf years ago. I have zero feelings for him at all. I dont think there is a single ex I would agree to meet or want to be friends with.

By having his ex hanging around in the background for your whole relationship he has put you in competition with his ex.

Honestly one of my male friends has gone through this recently and he is on the verge of a split. His gf has an ex who is also just a good friend and she visits her ex. He just found out she stayed overnight in her exes place...its a one bed flat.

Having an ex hanging around is disrespectful to the current partner and puts you at a disadvantage.

You arent being controlling at all. People saying you are must have standards that are on the floor.

Tell him you're not happy with it. Tell him everything. If you cant no point marrying him.

Telling a partner, they can't have contact with exes means that they'll end up cheating on you?

How on earth did you work that one out? Either they're going to cheat on you or they're not, but if they are going to do it
They'll do it whether or not you've told them they can or can't see the ex.

As I said in my above thread, my male friend was ok with his current girlfriend remaining close friends with her ex boyfriend. She's just spent the night in his flat and in his bed. This is what it leads to. And my friend condoned this behavior he was happy with his girlfriend to be friends with him. He was ok with it, and she still broke his trust.

It is just too complicated with somebody. You have previously loved previously, been intimate with and have a history of a relationship with. Especially if you never really cut it off afterwards and it just went on and off and then to friendship.

It's cleaner for all parties, just to cut it off.

The thing is, he wants to go and see his ex. Personally I think ex is for a reason ex. I don’t want to see or talk to my ex. My current relationship is worth more than a fall out with my partner because let’s say I wanted to go and see my ex for whatever reasons. I think you are worried if he still have feelings for him and will they want possibly to get back together which means you’ll be the one with broken heart. However on the other side, being with someone and deciding to get married is everyone’s free will. People can change their decisions, views etc. I’d rather know now, than after the marriage if someone would rather be with their ex than me. I wouldn’t want to be an option but a definite choice. It’s really hard, I wouldn’t be happy about it at all, because of the fear that my heart will be broken. I’d probably ask if I can come too. Good luck OP!

I disagree about him being bi not being an issue, particularly with that relationship history. Men, when they are bi, famously seek to satisfy that side of themselves. Join something like Grindr and look on the message boards.

I agree with this entirely. I just think you have to be very honest with yourself.If someone always maintained a close friendship with an ex. I'll be wondering how interested in me.They really were.

When you're interested in someone and I mean, really interested in them to the extent that you want to marry and spend your life with them, you won't risk that for anything or anyone. I wouldn't jeopardise my current relationship by hanging out with some ex. It would be disrespectful to my partner, and I would expect he didn't do the same either.

What you say is exactly true.Your current relationship is worth more than any ex with whom you already know.It doesn't work purely because they're an ex.

He never really cut contact with this guy.It just morphed into something else.

You need to know. Tell him you're not comfortable about it. And telling, you found the letters, it's your home, and they were in plain sight, you're entitled to be in the lot.

You are not being unreasonable, paranoid, nor controlling.