Am I being controlling in not wanting fiancè to meet his ex

[Ibahnis]

Sorry this is long and jumbled I need to get it out somewhere.

I've been with fiance for 5 years, engaged for just over a year and wedding is planned for next summer. He's bi which I've never had an issue with but before me he had a very serious relationship with a man he met at uni. They were together the whole 3 years during uni, maybe a bit more then kind of on and off afterwards. He's always described it as toxic, but said it was the first time he'd really loved someone and as much as they both wanted to make it work they'd hurt each other in different ways so it wasn't to be. I hated hearing that but I guess everyone has a past

When we first got together they still had a bit of contact, just the odd happy birthday on Facebook or whatever, nothing flirty from what I saw. Then about 4 years ago ex moved to Germany and I thought that we the end of it.

He's recently moved back to the UK with a girlfriend apparently but all of a sudden he's messaging fiancè again. Some messages come late at night which I don't like at all. Fiancè says it's just catching up and ex wants to meet up with him for a drink. I said I wasn't comfortable and he said I was being controlling and insecure and he can have friends if he wants.

But here's the part that worries me. Last Christmas I went in to the loft to get the decorations down and right at the front there was a box. Not dusty or hidden away so he must’ve had it out recently. It was literally right there on top of the Christmas things. Anyway inside there was things like his graduation photo etc, but there were loads of photos of them together and a pile of love letters from his ex, saying how fiancè was the love of his life, things about the future etc, I didn't read them all this was just one. There was also a letter right at the top that fiancè had written but not sent to him saying he still loved him and wished things could've been different etc. The date on it was prior to us getting together so I'm not worried about that but I've never been able to forget it.

I put it all back and never said anything but it’s been sitting in my head all year. And now with him back here and messaging again, I can't shake the feeling that if they saw each other again something could happen . Fiancè says it’s ancient history (they split up over 6 years ago now) and that he’s with me and marrying me so why would I think he wants someone else. But if that’s true then why keep all those letters? And why was the unsent one right on top like he’s been reading it again?

I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable to say no, don’t meet him, or if I am being controlling and paranoid.

AIBU?

I'd be saying 'Oh great, Mike can bring his girlfriend and I'll come with you. I've heard so much about Mike, it would be lovely to meet him'. If it's all innocent, then you boyfriend shouldn't be at all bothered by you suggesting a double date. If he starts making excuses, then, well it doesn't sound such an innocent meeting.

I said probably, but yes I do think that a probable outcome of a toxic, controlling relationship with no trust or respect for a partner’s independent life, is unfaithfulness to some degree.

‘Allowing’ or not a partner to be friends with whoever they choose is controlling and abusive.

I think that staying friend with your ex.Who you still have feelings for is toxic and abusive and disrespectful.

But we'll have to agree to disagre

But the threads not descended into that, clearly, you sound panicked, like you think everyone is going to say that and you don’t want to hear it, when your issue is you’re thinking it yourself, that he’s going to cheat with this man, but your accusing anyone who suggests such a thing as being bi phobic. Like it’s ok for you to think it, but not anyone else to read what you’ve written, about the letters, the messaging, the wanting to meet, and no one else is allowed to think thr same as you , as it makes them bi phobic.

if you don’t think he’s going to cheat then let him meet, you’ve no issue here.

Tricky.

You say your Df said the relationship was toxic; I wonder what the ex is up to? Twanging your DF’s strings?

I think the bisexuality is relevant and it is possible to say that without bringing bi-phobic, and the ex may be still seeking sex with men, even if your Df does not need sex with men.

If your DF really wants to meet this guy he really wants to meet him, whether you manage to stop him or not,

I would talk to him calmly and neutrally about what he wants and needs out of this connection, and why he thinks the D.C. is getting in touch. What does he get out of it. And a bit more about the nature of toxicity and hurt that transpired.

She mentioned it as it’s relevant to the story? You’d have worked it out regardless when she went on to say ‘meet him for a drink’. Saves her having to respond to a hundred posts asking if he is in fact bi, or insisting he is gay.

OP, I think they had a lustful few years and now both settling down with marriage and potentially kids along the way they’re getting cold feet and going back to exploring that side of their relationship. It starts with catch ups, becomes emotional affair with drunken fumbles and so on.

It would be a hard no from me.

My husband stayed friends with an ex after they split. When we were getting married he told me all he could about her and I guessed he was still carrying a candle. So I took the stand she had to be a friend to both of us.

Christmas and her birthday I would send a card on behalf of us both. She would reciprocate and congratulations on the births of our children. Eventually after many years we received a wedding invitation, which was a polite gesture we didn’t take up. We did fly out and met the new husband and herself a few years later and I met other friends who knew my husband. We all got on exceptionally well.

We’ve now been married 45 years and yes, sometimes I think that relationship hasn’t really extinguished but recently she has moved home after becoming a widow unexpectedly. She lives just too far to be constant and she regularly invites us to stay over. My husband realised that I am now more her friend than his and regards her just as family, particularly when we go out to dinner and say in unison
’Dont order the Elton Mess, think of your cholesterol!’.

What I’m saying is, make this relationship yours too, make friends and get involved in the conversation rather than resentment. This man could be your ally particularly if he is in a relationship of his own.

But op doesn’t think so. So why did she mention it? Of course the boyfriend being bi is relevant to the story. It’s not just another ex, it’s someone of the same sex and he may well indeed be gay.

I always reverse these situations and imagine how the partner would feel. So imagine your fiancé had no ex on the periphery and it was him who’d found love letters etc and it was you who wanted to go meet your great lost love after all these years. Absolutely no way would he be happy about that . You have every right to feel uncomfortable and in this situation I don’t think I could marry him .

I wouldn't want to be the type of person who puts these rules in place. I don't think it is healthy and I like to be able to see who I want to see without the assumption I want to risk my relationship.

I am good friends with an ex. Not all of our partners have liked that, but we've stayed friends and they haven't stayed as our partners. Our current partners are fine with our relationship. I will say that we both make an effort to ensure our partners know they are welcome to join us rather than it being a twosome.

The ex has a gf too so they arent gay obviously.

I think the being bisexual is relevant. When you are bisexual relationships with men and women can bring very different feelings eg more romantic with one and more sexual with another (that’s a gross simplification but the point stands). You are feeling uncomfortable with him meeting his ex and there is a reason for that - it feels as if this relationship is special in some way. I don’t like his response to you about it - it’s clearly something that needs taking/working through.

That's a very good way to look at it. I don't have any exes hanging around. I've disposed of my old love letters from my first boyfriend. I kept the one christmas, birthday & valentine's day card. Nothing emotionally intense in them, just happy christmas, happy, valentine's day.

If you flip the situation and realize your partner is still very much in contact with someone with whom they had a very intense and almost toxic and relationship and they never really cut ties kept all these emotionally intense letters, including one that was never sent. If the situations will reversed, he wouldn't be happy about his fiancee having that.

Sadly it does happen to both sides. I posted earlier on in the thread one of my male friends is going through this. He was OK about his current girlfriend being friends with an ex boyfriend. But he found out a couple of weeks ago that she went over to his place and stayed so late at night she ended up sleeping over. It's a one bed flat. She said, there was nothing in it, it was just crashing there, but it does lead to this.

Someone with whom you ve had intense feelings for youve been intimate with and had sex with and been in a relationship with, it's actually quite difficult to turn that just into a friend. There's always going to be that history of intimacy there. My friends aren't people I used to have sex with or be in a relationship with.

I just don't think I could trust this situation and I wouldn't want it hanging over me. We all have different boundaries and I just prefer any partner I am with has absolutely zero ties with exes. Thankfully, my current partner has no ties with exes and no contact and nor do I. Not in contact with any of my exes and I can't imagine.I'd want to be ever again.

Don't think it's controlling at all to be uncomfortable was this dynamic, but she does need to say something.